From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.|
“I think he's barely tolerable”
“Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it at the time”
“Who do you think would win?”
“Not Hugh Grant. Or Le Chiffre.”
Mister Mark Darcy, was the world's first secret agent, an absolute bad ass. He was James Bond's great, great, great, great grandfather and was alive while Queen Victoria or some other ridiculously old monarch was on the throne.
Well known for being suave, sophisticated and with a licence to kill he was the the world's greatest superspy at the time he was alive and was also well-known for having a taste for fast carriages, beautiful women (his personal favourites being Elizabeth Bennet and your mother) and extremely high-tech gadgets like revolvers. Highly educated with a great deal of knowledge on a variety of subjects, Darcy was always well-dressed and armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner.
Word is he was the original bad ass. He wouldn't give a **** about anybody, he wouldn't talk to you not even look at you if you were not worthy his precious time, this guy entered a room an without saying a word everybody submitted to him, he wouldn't waste his time with those lame dances and society standards, he made his own rules. He also owned Pemberley and 10000 a year, just that made him more bad ass than you'll ever be in this and in successive lives. Also, Mr. Darcy was such a stud that he turned on all the women around him just by standing there in a corner without talking, just blinking and breathing, don't believe me? just ask Miss Elizabeth Bennet, she went weak at her knees just by hearing his name. Now THAT's a super spy (Bond, take notes, you loser).
Mr Darcy lives today, his spirit came to earth from hell and took the body of some lame actor named Colin Firth, now his bad-ass soul resides in this body in modern time, lock your mums, girls and sisters because he will take them away from us, normal, loser men. Others actors like Matthew Macfadyen have claimed they are the real incarnation of Mr Darcy, but the real one is and will always be Colin Firth, forever and ever Amen.
Early life and career
Mister Darcy was born to a wealthy English couple named Monique and Frederick. They named him "Mister" after his uncle of the same name. At the age of two he was sent to Eton. When he was three, his parents died in a climbing accident when they were visiting Darcy's Uncle Mister in Switzerland. It has been alleged that the accident was actually suicide as a result of his parent shame at calling their only son 'Fitwilliam' (a name Darcy never mentions).
Mister Darcy was known throughout the tea-stained land of England to be a famous zombie hunter, the source of his uncanny accuracy with a handgun, (he is reported to have made a headshot blindfolded, from 800 yards from a zombie that never saw it coming) and a collection of badass, sexy scars.
At the age of eighteen Darcy was recruited by the British Secret Service and after successfully assissinating the head of the Indian Mutiny a year later, he was given 00 status. Assuming the name 007-1/2 (double "Oh" seven and a half) he excelled at espionage and exhibited a talent for, well just about everything but particularly defeating terrorists (yes they even had hem in Victorian times) who wanted to conquer the world and/or overthrow the British Empire.
While in his twenties he acquired a biographer, Jane Austin, whom he promptly seduced, applying his signature sexual move, the Darcy Teabag, to Austin repeatedly.
Mister Darcy's favourite gadgets
The Ministry of Defence's top weapons manufacturer Mr Q (the Q is for Quartermaine) designs Darcy's gadgets for him. Among his particularlar favourites are:
- The Revolver that can turn into a comb (Walther PPKs are a thing of the past and they haven't even been invented yet).
- The rocket powered-carriage that has no need of horses and can deploy missiles from underneath.
- The Cane that can turn into a sword.
- That thing.
- A pen which has ink inside, so no need for those darstedly cumbersome ink bottle (this is the Georgian times afterall).
C - His employer, the head of British Secret Intelligence and secretly Darcy's aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Also known as Codename: Judy. Mr Q - Alan Quartermaine's father and MI6's weapons manufacturer. Designed the hot air balloon for Philleus Fog.
Women (to say nothing of the men) Darcy has shagged
Darcy is infamous for fornicating even more than Casanova however being a member of the British Secret Service, not only does he have a Licence to Kill, he has a licence to fornicate.
Among the many beautiful (or otherwise) women Darcy has made love to are:
- Elizabeth Bennet (his personal favorite).
- All of the sisters of Elizabeth Benneth (yes, even the annoying Lydia).
- Elizabeth Bennet's mom (even though she didn't admit it).
- Hill and Sarah (the Bennet's maids)
- Elizabeth Swann (before she met Jack Sparrow).
- Cecelia Tallis (before she fell in love with that slimy guy from The Chronicles of Narnia).
- Keira Knightley's great, great, great, great grandmother, Saintly Knightley.
- His biographer, Jane Austin.
- Emily Bronte (he likes Goth chicks).
- Charlotte Bronte (inspired her to write an Mr. Darcy alter ego: Mr. Rochester)
- Bridget Jones, wanton sex-goddess.
- And any woman that read his book or watches his movies/TV shows (that means your mom, sister, aunt, and girlfriend).
Darcy has saved the world from deranged megalomaniacs and evil spies who want to overthrow the British Empire countless times. Among his most deadly enemies are:
- Doctor Septimus Pretorius
- Charles Wickham - A womanising evil genius with a talent for mathematics and card games. Le Chiffre's great ancestor. Seduced and later murdered Darcy's first wife.
- Doctor Danielle Cleaver - Head of the international evil organisation known as PHANTOM (Purveyors of Hijinx And interNational Terrorism and Onerous Mayhem - they came up with the name before they came up with what it stood for). Seduced and murdered Darcy's second wife and succeeded in seducing the third one but not killing her. Was drowned by Darcy in two feet of water and was replaced with the cat stroking villain, Professor Moriarty.
- Mr Collins, the evil social climber well known for his silver revolver and his alias, the Man with the Silver Gun
- Professor Moriarty - A cat stroking villain and Doctor Cleaver's successor as head of PHANTOM. His archenemy is Sherlock Holmes but he's had run-ins with Mister Darcy.
- Errand, the Chinese Assassin who can throw a top hat with lethal force and pin-point accuracy.
- Kaisar Wilhelm III (he's been plotting World War I for quite some time).
For Mr. Darcy's incarnation: Colin Firth