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“The moving walkway exit is approaching. Please, watch your step... The moving walkway exit is approaching. Please, watch your step... ”
A moving walkway is an amusement ride provided free of charge at most major airports. It consists of a very large rubber band strung around two mutant hamster wheels. (Contrary to popular belief, the wheels, not the hamsters, are the mutants.) There are many ways to amuse yourself on a moving walkway, but the main objective is to score goals by preventing business travelers from making their connections. Because of the numbers of travelers involved, this game is most easily played at George Bush Intercontinental, Newark, or Chicago O'Hare (named after the late Bugs Bunny).
In the city-state of Lower Hyderabad, a primitive form of moving walkway has seen use in the execution of violent criminals. Frequently bloody, these executions serve to deter fellow villagers from mink theft.
Moving walkways are designed by engineers who could not hack it in Escalator School. It's a fucking belt that moves in circles all day, yet due to their abundant incompetence, two or three belts are always broken at any airport at any given time. (So chalk up several goals for the retard engineers.) Moving walkways are usually installed in pairs. This allows riders to ride without having to walk back to the starting point. Moving walkways usually have hand rails, but you have to be some sort of a douchebag to want to use those.
The moving walkways at Universal Studios Florida mark the first time a moving walkway has been installed outside an airport. It is one of the most popular rides at the resort, even more popular than the Incredible Hulk roller coaster and the Spiderman ride combined. In addition, it is also the highest capacity ride in the resort and almost never has a line. To make the ride more exciting, it has its own soundtrack and electronic displays.
edit Methods of amusement on a Moving Walkway
- One source of amusement on a moving walkway is walking opposite to the direction of travel. Engineers capitalized on this, resulting in the invention of the treadmill.
- Sitting on the handrails is another popular activity. Just be careful at the end of the ride, as one must disembark at the end.
- Looking at car insurance advertisements that unfairly label you as primitive. Wait, what?
- Infinite cartwheels!
- Cleaning without moving
edit Moving walkway safety
It is possible to get severely injured on a moving walkway. If you do not step off in time, you might get pulled down below to the other side of the airport. This "minus world" is the same as Terminal B, except when you go through your gate, you return to the start of Terminal B again. You are stuck in this (metaphorical) hell until you run out of time and die. If you are of normal height, you will shrink down to midget height before making a final scream, leaping into the air, and collapsing. Also, you will be able to move through solid matter during your decent to (actual) hell.
Also, it is important not to bring a dog on the walkway, or else the hamsters will become spooked and run at high speed, dragging you in frantic circles. If this happens, alert airport security by screaming "Jane, stop this crazy thing!"