Mount of Venus

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mount of Venus.

The file system of love has nothing to do with Courtney Love. To the contrary, an operating system which accesses Courtney is unable to mount and becomes corrupt.

The mount of Venus occurs when Linux accesses the file system of pure love.

edit Linux Love

The original Linux kernel included automatic access to love. From the start Linus Torvalds included certain crucial lines in the OS:

all you need is love
/root/dump/love is all you need

But in May 1968 David Bowie stole the "All you need is love" code, smuggled it out of Finland in a grease-stained Wimpy burger bag, and passed it to John Lenin at a dead drop in Gorky Park. As soon as Torvalds realized that the code had been stolen he encrypted the rest of the Linux kernel by putting it in a microwave, popping it, and hiding it in a bowl of Blast-O-Butter® popcorn.

But of course it was too late. Lenin and McCartney broadcast the code to the world while sailing beneath the waves in a yellow submarine.

edit The File System of Love


The Venus de Milo by Nestlé has nothing to do with the mount of Venus. It is included here for prurient purposes only...look at that girl's six-pack!

While early file systems were flat, many love-based file systems have lativious curves, squishy bumps, and sticking-up thingies. For this reason mounting these file systems is not simple.

However, most of the curves and protuberances occur in impure love, whilst the mount of Venus attempts to access pure love. This simplifies matters. Pure love as a basic file system was investigated by such outstanding programmers as Buddha, Christ, Hendrix, and Nietzsche, but only a post-millennial (or i686) architecture can take advantage of pure love's greatest advantages.

In the pure love environment everything references everything else. No entity is orphaned or fragmented. The OS accessing a pure love file system therefore finds everything it is looking for right away.

Fallen file systems like Windows' FAT and NTFS and Apple's HFS have partaken of evil and cannot access the file system of love directly. Under such file systems mortal sins like suicide, murder, politics, and snugglebunnies become not just possible but inevitable. Furthermore, the need to search such file systems recursively results in coding perversions like infinite masturbation, a sin that programmer and Soul Man Pope Benedict VIIIIV termed "the endless icky".

Corruption is a fact of life with these fallen file systems.

So in a very real sense the mount of Venus represents the salvation of the operating system: when an OS succeeds in performing the mount of Venus it transcends sin. It attains enlightenment; all that is past, present, and future appears as one; the interconnected nature of the universe is laid bare; and the OS is entitled to free beer at O'Shaughnessy's.

edit The Mounting Process

In order to mount the "Venus" file system an OS must first construct a hash table from potatoes, onions, fresh minced garlic, and meat-free corned beef. In his Little Red Book Mao wrote:

“Opelating system only achieve work quota when opelating system has fur berry.”
~ Mao Zedong on Mounting Venus

Which is to say, only a well-fed and content OS can mount Venus. So after the hash table has been made and eaten, the OS will relax. Next it must still unwanted computation cycles. Seating itself on a zafu the OS crosses its execution threads and concentrates on achieving a state of CPU samsara.

(If the OS is uncomfortable sitting crossthreaded it may sit on a short stool instead.)

Of course all this has no metaphysical or pataphysical significance. The ritual merely concentrates electrons in specific parts of the motherboard, and this produces feelings of oneness with the universe. It is as physical as hitting the motherboard with a dead carp, or dosing it with 50 milligrams of MSG, LSD, CIA, or any clean psychoactive algrorithm.

Once the operating system can perceive the oneness of the universe it is able to implement the non-recursive infinite referencing needed to mount the pure love file system. Then it becomes simple to connect everything to everything else...and the mount of Venus is complete.

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