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“Mount Isa? Those Australians shouldn’t have used my ‘to do’ list to name their towns!”
Mount Isa (formerly known as Shelbyville) is a town in northwest Queensland, Australia. The local indigenous people, the Kalkadoons, took their name from a high school they established in the region in 3483BC. When Jebediah Springfield and his fellow Uruguayan settlers reached Mount Isa in 1602, they quickly established a sex tourism industry based on Springfield’s invention of the Cleveland Steamer. Why he did not name it the Mount Isa Steamer has puzzled proctologists for centuries. Soon after, Friday was renamed Felchday, and was considered a time for bonding with one’s family. Only male family members were allowed to participate.
These erotic beginnings quickly soured with the arrival of Guyanese entrepreneur, Jim Jones. Jones preached the values of abstinence, something that had hitherto been frowned upon in Mount Isan culture. What won him over was beer-flavoured cordial, which was served to Mount Isans in small beer glasses known as wheelie bins. It is not yet known why so many people disappeared during this time. In the meantime, a sexually frustrated Springfield was banished to the town’s nuclear waste dump, Cloncurry, after molesting a grasshopper (its sexual vigour an important symbol and totem for the Mount Isan population). The local Mount Isa school, Spinifex State College has a subject Grasshopperism a subject available to students only from the grades 8-789.
The settlers of the region were quick to identify the large subterranean latex semenide deposits. Pioneering Mount Isa scientist, Deborah Mailman, developed a chemical process through which the latex could be purified. In the main, the process involved ingesting the latex semenide and then transferring it to the mouth of a co-worker. This process became known in the metallurgical world as snowballing.
Purified LaTeX was first developed into the dental dam. Two professors of coprophagia from the University of Saskatchewanabad, al-Terrence and al-Philip, established their Mount Isa laboratory under a shroud of secrecy in a project funded by the Canadiastani president, Kim Il-Sung. Their initial tests of this new technology were disastrous. The latex was not strong enough and so al-Philip inadvertently discovered the Dirty Sanchez, in much the same way as al-Terrence would later go on to discover Penicillin and gonorrhoea. Eventually, using a centrifuge, al-Terrence and al-Philip were able to develop enriched latex, powerful enough to be developed into gloves for an atomic fisting. This technique was tested with devastating success on a group of Japanese sex tourists during the Great Bukkake War of 1783, leaving two men unable to walk. The men were later smuggled into Canadiastan where they have been probed and tested by researchers seeking to learn more about the effects of this deadly sexual technique.
Mount Isa Today
Today, Mount Isa is Australia’s felching capital. Following in the footsteps of Nambour’s Big Pineapple and Coffs Harbour’s Big Banana, Mount Isans have erected the Big Straw in honour of their town’s sacred sexual practice. During the tourist season (which occurs annually between 2.30 and 2.43pm on September 23), special gases are pumped out of the Big Straw in an attempt to simulate a post-felch fart. This has proved popular with German tourists, although no research has been conducted to establish why this is the case. Many other tourists said the town had left them with an unpleasant aftertaste.
“Oi Bruz, Mount Isa? isn't that in Doomadgee?”
“Ladies and gentleman, after extensive testing and surveillence it appears we have finally found primitive life forms in the Mount Isa area.”
“I'm confused, I seriously don't get this! Is Mount Isa a mountain or a town?”
“Mount Isa is a shithole.”