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The Motorola 6809 is one of the most evil contraptions known to mankind. Created by the evil WitchKing Dr. Lester Hiraki(see Witchcraft, Satanism), the 6809 was made using: 3 eyes of newt, 2 frog legs, 4 lizard tails, and an unknown amount of 'Tear of Student'. In order to be able to program using a 6809, a student must first feel the wrath of black assembly magic. Formed in a cauldron, black assembly magic is nearly impossible to master, as it was deemed obsolete two years before it was ever created. However, one Guru, Dr. Hiraki, has mastered the ancient art of black magic, and has kept the assembly compiler alive with aid from an evil witch doctor, Comrade Stalin.
Tear of Student
Tear of Student is one of the rarest, most powerful ingredients used in witchcraft. Fueled by sadness, Tear of student can become saltwater if the original host has prospered and rid themselves of sadness through the aid of Christianity. Through the late 1970's, there was a drought in 'Tear of Student'. This was because of the ending of the Vietnam War made everyone happy. As a result, the almost extinct 'Tear of Student was worth its weight in gold. This is why the Motorola 6809 was made. With Witches everywhere in dire need of Tear of Student, one such which came up with a solution. Using a high amount of Tear of Student, he created a processor so evil, so devastating, that no person could possibly gain any joy of it. All that is left is sadness, and so many tears from students, and the tear shortage could be cured.
As described briefly, The Motorola 6809 was deemed obsolete by mathematicians and computer scientists at least 2 years before invention. However, the evil witch doctor managed to not only make the device, but allowed the compiler to continue operation. The witch doctor added two more operational instructions, doubling the total instruction set. The assembler itself is old and heavy, and operates at a very hot temperature, comparable to the fires of Hell. As a result, the 6809 can be used as a heat source to boil cauldrons of water, melt metal, and cook eggs. Witches began drawing up the specifications of the 6809 board early 1979. It had to be slower than a turtle, yet powerful enough to be able to handle black magic. A speed of 1 MegaHertz was selected, however, the true speed is closer to 666 Hertz. The Registers are 8-Bits in size, although some would argue that they are either 4 or 16. It doesn't matter, though, as the processor takes ages to add or subtract any 4, 8, or 16 bit number. Motorola 6809 beta 2.0 (scheduled in 2020) will have the capability of dividing by zero.
Produced in the deepest caverns of ENG-245, the 6809 began mass production in late 1979. Production had only ceased when 'Tear of Student' supply ran out in 1981. It is for this reason that only 20 boards have been produced, and most of them reside in ENG-211. It has been rumoured that each of the 32 registers had been constructed before the processor had been mixed with the secret ingredients. Each register is made by mixing snake gravy and penguin wings together, with an unknown amount of 'Tear of Student'. This makes the registers withstand the enormous heat created by the obsolete processor, as well as protect the board from salt water tears that may drop on the 6809 board by a depressed student. RAM on the Motorola 6809 is virtually non-existent, and relies chiefly on the power of magic. This is why it is impossible to find out what is stored on the registers or RAM.
System administrators and support tech cannot fix a disabled 6809 processor, as black mage must resurrect the processor's fallen soul.
With 'Tear of Student' on the rise, it has been rumoured that more updated 6809 boards will be made.
Introduction to schools
However, upon its introduction to schools, nearly all universities refused to teach their students this chip, as suicide and drug use had gone up 200%. Upon reception of the chips, the Ryerson staff quickly realized that evil force radiating off of the chip, and tricked the evil witch doctor to banish all but 15 boards. The remaining boards were too powerful in black wizardry, that the only way to hide them from first year students was to lock the 6809 chipset boards in the darkest corners of ENG-211. Paired up with the 6809 boards are old Pentium III that have ancient serial ports. It has been rumoured that the presence of the Motorola 6809 has corrupted these once peaceful relics, causing them to deleted student's files and crash before saving homework.
Operating a 6809
The user may never be able to control a 6809, IT CONTROLS YOU! Only with the possession of the Crystal Ball Compiler System, (CBCS) may an evil genius in dark magic may assemble code on a 6809. A user must first plug in the power of the 6809 board, link the serial port to the host computer, and then cry. The 6809 is fueled by sadness and electricity.
The 6809 needs timing delays to waste a user's time. This has been proven by clinical study to not only increase frustration and sadness, but also decrease knowledge of black magic. A user needs to write a timing delay to make the 1 MHZ processor stop, while more crying is induced. This makes the processor a powerful collector of 'Tear of Student'. Timing Delay Routines (TDR) are always executed in three's, because of magical reference. They are always called DELAY, so the user may never get confused why he is waiting.
A subroutine is a small routine sandwich. In 6809 syntax, a subroutine can do many things that normal line-by-line assembly magic cannot. These small sandwiches allow the user to jump to different areas of the code, performing various actions. Branching to subroutines is the most effective way to achieve success, although success with any Motorola 6809 program is subjective.
Types of subroutines
- Subroutine Sandwich: 2 slices of bologna, one strip of bacon, Dijon mustard, all on a baguette. The most useful sandwich, it is most common in all code excerpts
- Racist Subroutine: Many assume the statement BNE (Branch if not equal) refers to equality of Human Rights. Since this will never be achieved, this condition is always false. Rumored to be a McDonald's McRib sandwich.
SIGH EQU $CFDC EMO EQU $CFDD CRY LDS #CRY BSR HIRAKI RTN HIRAKI LDB TEAR LDX #SAD SOB LDA ,X+ BSR WITCH DECB BNE SOB RTS WITCH PSHS B ENG245 LDB EMO ANDB #$10 BEQ ENG245 STA SIGH PULS B RTS SAD FCB $41,$76,$6F,$69,$64,$20,$45,$4E,$47,$32,$34,$35 TEAR FCB 13 END
This program does nothing useful, and with only the most powerful witch skills of black magic can it ever compile, and reveal a hidden message. It can, however, make a student cry. Or bleed. Here is another go at complex assembly, note the use of weird-ass syntax spawned from black magic.
STRG EQU $CFDD IORG EQU $CFDC CR EQU 13 LF EQU 10 ORG $100 DELAY DELAY DELAY BSR CLEAR LDX #STR LDB LEN LOOP1 LDA ,X+ BSR OUTCHR DECB DELAY DELAY DELAY BNE LOOP1 LDB MAX LDA #CR BSR OUTCHR LDA #LF BSR OUTCHR LOOP2 BSR GETCHR BSR OUTCHR CMPA #CR BEQ DONE PSHS A DECB DELAY DELAY DELAY BNE LOOP2 DONE LDA #CR BSR OUTCHR LDA #LF BSR OUTCHR LDB MAX LDA #CR BSR OUTCHR LDA #LF BSR OUTCHR LOOP3 PULS A BSR OUTCHR DELAY DELAY DELAY DECB BNE LOOP3 RTN GETCHR LDA STRG ANDA #$08 BEQ GETCHR LDA IORG RTS DELAY DELAY DELAY OUTCHR PSHS B OUT1 LDB STRG ANDB #$10 BEQ OUT1 STA IORG PULS B RTS CLEAR LDX #SEQ1 CLR1 LDA ,X+ BEQ CLOUT BSR OUTCHR BRA CLR1 DELAY DELAY DELAY CLOUT RTS SEQ1 FCB $1B,'H,$1B,'J,0 LEN FCB 21 MAX FCB 90 STR FCC END
A more full length code; it actually does nothing except waste time. Note how Delay routine "DELAY" is executed in three's. It does assemble, as this solution was copied off the door of ENG-245.
Usage Outside of Education
The 6809 has been disassembled off the standard board configurement to control certain devices. For example, it may control supermarket conveyor belts, street lights, nuclear device time delays, and the timing of the end of the world. The government has placed an embargo on 6809, restricting any further use.
Effects of Using the 6809
Short term users of the 6809 are lucky. Brief contact only results in sadness and crying for about 2 days. Loss of appetite may occur if a user touches the board physically. Short term users are the least likely to remember the 6809 witchcraft magic, and will not suffer corruption. Short Term Motorola 6809 Syndrome (STM6809S) is an increasing health hazard. Diagnosis of such an ailment only has one cure. The student must drop the computer science major or seek transfer.
Long term users are considered half witches by the FCC. Users have already let the corruption and black magic of the evil assembler sink in. They have no cure for long term users, and many seek Pope Benedict XIII for help. Signs of a long time 6809 user may be short memory, dressing emo, and severe depression. It has been rumoured the Motorola 6809 had started the emo trend.
Advanced users are the only ones who have mastered the 6809 architecture. They are full witches and may have earned higher rank in their secret cult. They lounge in the heated confines of ENG-245.To this day, there are only 4 advanced users, one witch doctor, and one master, the evil WitchKing. These people, along with their evil cult, have terrorized 3 generations of computer science majors. In total, it has been assumed they have collected a total of 1 million litres of 'Tear of Student'. If you come into contact with a advanced user, suck the life force out of them by using conductive plyers to short their circuits, which will disable the host.
Protection Against 6809
Although there is no way to fully protect yourself from the evil sorcery, here are a few helpful tips. Avoid sadness. Motorola 6809 is fueled by sadness, reducing sadness equals less 'Tear of Student', ruining the WitchKing's plans. Drop the course. Without the student being sad, 'Tear of Student' is just salt water. The witches need sadness. Wear garlic. 6809 is an electronic vampire. Although silver or a wooden stake will not kill the 6809, garlic will melt its circuits. If all else fails, call a priest and confess.
Here are some little known facts about the Motorola 6809.
- In episode 4 of Texas Ranger, the Motorola 6809 out-muscled Chuck Norris in hand to hand combat.
- The 6809 was passed up in 1996 to be James Bond. The role was given to Pierce Brosnan after the 6809 suffered a fatal divide by zero error.
- The 6809 has appeared in an episode of Dr. Phil. The episode was taken off the air by the FCC.
- Motorola 6809 was thought to be the alien in Scientology
- Motorola chipset was cast in the hit movie Transformers. It was featured as an insane pop machine and attacked 2 non-witches.
- The Motorola 6809 was credited with the fall of the Berlin Wall. Using ancient spell techniques, the 6809 wrote a timing delay that destroyed the Communist Russia.
- The 6809 was the first IC chipset in space. Flying to Mercury in 1984, one 6809 board collected up to 3 bits of data on the voyage.
- Motorola 6809 beat Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in the Democrat Candidate race for Alaska and New Jersey.
- The Motorola 6809 rejected Hitler's enterance into a Vienna University.
- The 6809 holds the record for longest session in World of Warcraft, 320 hours straight.
The Motorola 6809 boards have no impact on anything except for increasing the world's sadness. Using out of date assembly and techniques, the board has already been replaced by the ENIAC in most operational status. The slow processors have been replaced by conventional calculators in residential sections. More and more schools have began abandoning assembly in general, as rumours of the devastation caused by the 6809 reach the surface of education. As a result, Ryerson is currently the only place where these evil relics can call home, and Dr. Hiraki is the only person they may call "Otou-san".