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Evel Knievel was a hopeless loser who continually tried to jump over buses to impress people, but he could never clear even one. Then one day his brother Fah Knieval suggested he try it on a motorbike instead of just running up the ramp, and he was instantly transformed from loser to champion of the universe, even when he fell off. Try falling out of your car and still be considered a champion. It's not going to happen. See, motorbikes rock.
The most wicked motorbike is the Suzuki Hayabusa. Reputedly the fastest mass production vehicle in the world. It can and does make absolutely anyone look cool and bestows instant cred because of it's awesome power. Mr. Kawasaki (see note later)did make a short-lived attempt at bettering the Hayabusa but... well... it was soon relegated to 2nd again and was given the universal 'try-hard' dunce cap.
Motorbikes are similar to motorcycles but due to the influence of Hollywood the former name is used. Motorbikes were first invented by a man by a drunken homeless man as a magical escape to the moon. It failed miserably. His idea was stolen and used to make ugly, overweight men with white hair feel like a part of something cool. Charcoal was the first fuel in motorcycles, until Jesse James filed a complaint that the pollution has killed his horse. During World War II motorbikes were used to outrun German Panzer Tanks. After the war, motorbikes were used to outrun each other.
Some Japanese called Kawasaki and Honda could outrun Daimler in fact even Ford could outrun Daimler. The American Dream was nearly over when the Germans recovered from the failure of their Panzer tanks and created the BMW motorbikes. But everyone agrees that Harley Davidson still can support the heaviest ladies on the backseats during long distance riding.
The Japanese are the best mechanics because they all know Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,and because I ride one
edit Motorcycle Mechanic Cool
Motorcycles are fitted with chains on the outside so you can enhance coolness by pretending to adjust it. Artfully smeared oil on the jawline gives that devil may care look - you can't get away with this if you drive a Camry.
On arriving virtually anywhere on your motorcycle -weddings, bahmitzvahs, charity balls all are good occasions - whip out a wrench and while others are eating cucumber sandwiches you can be out in the car park surrounded by adoring onlookers impressed with your mechanical knowledge.
Avoid getting any parts of the body caught in the chain - hair, tongue, fingers all can get in there if you lose concentration - as the screaming like a girl detracts from the coolness.
Don't screw around with the parts under the chrome covers on the engine, as tempting as those bolts look - no-one knows what that stuff does - its there to make commercial motorcycle mechanics money.
edit What to do if you have shaft drive
Thats nothing to do with sex, its for when you're not up for the oily mechanic look of a motorcycle chain, or have gotten body parts caught in the chain too often. Also see BMW below.
Here you can still get street cred from the uninitiated by removing the seat. There's stuff under there that looks technical, often a battery or some ducts and stuff. Futz with those, using the toolset from the underseat pocket. The thing that looks like a backscratcher is sure to impress them - just don't adjust your suspension with it since all the skin will be removed from your hands when you do.
Tip: failure to replace the seat before riding off can result in the case of damage to the nether regions. Treatment for this is detailed in the next section.
edit What To Do If Testicles Rupture
Operate straight away! Do not consult your Pharmacist before trying (that would waste time and cause your testicles to shrivel up, similar to the G-Unit "shrivelled balls" effect) and perform in dark areas to ensure no one seeing you in pain due to us having complaints of "having my testicles stamped on by passers-by".
- Clean Hands
- Dirty Latex Gloves - preferably smeared with sperm
- Thick Needle
- Naked Nurse - highly recommended to keep the patient happy
- Anaesthetics - not recommended
- 10 pounds of C4 for every 12 grams of testicle
- There is no use for anaesthetics as it was created by Evil Demon Overlords only know as ɮʝɭɭ Ɠɚɨɛʂ*
Pull on Latex Gloves and have the nurse skinstriptease for the patient. Thread string through the thick needle. Open both testicles and plant half of the C4 in each testicle. Sew the testicles and wait for the patient to stop screaming - you can flirt with the nurse while waiting *but remember not to use the old motorbike trick to get yourself horny!* When the patient stops screaming call an ambulance to pick him up.
Disclaimer Notice: Uncyclopedia is not responsible for any of the following events; testicles blowing up, death, life, infertility, G-Unit sueing you for their "shrivelled balls" effect, unwanted birth or breasts replacing patients nipples.
edit Motorbikes and Sex
Motorbikes have high visual thermodynamic transduction abilities. Studies have shown that they don’t just make you look cool, they also make you look hot. Unlike most things, this is equally true for both sexes. Anyone riding a motorbike can expect 30-75% more sexual interest than those not riding one.
However such statistics has not helped prompted male bikers to settle down and start a family. In support, many motorbike magazines have used the sex theme very heavily and still the men won't go and grab a girl, made their wedding vows and settle down. Then real girls even join the bikers' community but it doesn't really shake the guys from their fanatical attachment to motorbikes. It is thus suspected that guys on bikes are actually having some communication problem due to a neglected childhood, and are using machines to express their inner feelings towards women.
Some eventually recovered and did attempt to speak to their women about trying out both the sixth and reverse gears. For those who started experiencing orgasm, it is very important to stop the motorbike before engaging in further gear changes, and for extra safety it might be a good idea to get off it as well.
Needless to say Women Rights groups have come out strongly against this article depicting women as a means to get to the bikes. We thus have to respond by saying that those women are mostly Desperate Housewives who needed lots of cash and none of them really care about the bikes nor the bikers. The proof of it is that none of them has responded to our calls and offers for free sex, spam emails and stake-outs in front of their homes.
WARNING TO MINORS READING THIS PAGE: Contrary to what adults may try to suggest to you, these two subjects are actually completely different and has no biological nor social similarities. Do not engage in sex with your bike. If you do however attempt to have sexual relations with your bike, see what to do if you rupture your testicles. (above)
edit Types of motorbikes
- Nakeds. A stock-standard street bike without fairings or other add-ons. Useful for people who are already pretty attractive, and like to drop the word “naked” into everyday conversation for innuendo
- Racing bikes. For riding really fast into the backs of trucks and sliding off sharp corners. The handlebars are set low so that the rider can lean down over the bike and show off their bums to appreciative spectators
- Tourers. Great big bikes great for picking up hot hitch hikers in the middle of nowhere, and for dropping on your leg and getting pinned there until six or seven people can get it off you
- Dirt bikes. For doing fun tricks like aerial flips and not sliding off corners, but getting girls to care can be difficult. Also, they sound like great big blowflies
- Cruisers. For concentrated sexual magnification, cruisers are unrivalled. They are also comfortable to sit on, but useful for bugger all else
- Scooters. A more sophisticated form of cool that has less raw sex appeal and more pretension. Mostly found in the inner city. But they’re still motorbikes and way cooler than everything on four wheels
- Pretend motorbikes. If you hold your hands up in front of you a bit like a zombie, and blow a really long raspberry as you run around in circles, it's a bit like you're riding a motorbike. Effects on sexual magnetism vary.
edit Types of riders
- Bikers. People addicted to riding. They often form clubs and go for long rides for no obvious reason. They can be identified by their blissful expressions whenever on two wheels and by the way their throttle hand twitches whenever they’re not on a motorbike. Almost as many bikers die of pneumonia from riding in unfavourable weather as in traffic accidents
- Bikies. Great big children who never grew up. They like their bikes loud, shiny, and exaggerated so everyone notices them. They always join clubs where they can be mean and tough together and go around breaking the law and stuff
- Commuters. Bikes are cheap to run and easy to park. Commuters can be recognised by the looks of abject terror on their faces
- Poseurs. If there was something to ride that was cooler than a motorbike, they’d be on that instead. Maybe if rockets were more affordable or something. They couldn’t care less about how much fun a bike is or any of that other stuff, they just really need something to compensate for their lack of sexual ability. Recognisable by outfits that matches their bikes, their ridiculously audacious rides, and the organ transplant scars on lucky recipients. In Britain they're called Power Rangers if they wear brightly coloured one piece high tech outfits. There are also the Harley Hogettes who seek to emulate the worst excesses of the average spaghetti western (these are usually accountants when they're at work)They are easily found at any roadside cafe drinking lattes and talking about how good they ride, after hours of watching real riders continue on and not stop they then jump on there machines with massive chicken strips on there tires and cruise home at 10 km under the speed limit. In summer they are seen in muscle shirts and shorts otherwise known as Squids.
- Rideaholics: Ride till they drop dead from no stopping except for gas and riding till all money runs out.
- Wannabee's - These are guys that claim they are excellent riders and can go REAL fast in a straight line bt when they approach the twisties they slow right down to cage driver speed and not lay the bike down past the flat spotted tires.NOTE: Poseurs and wannabee's are usualy the same people.
- Twats. If you see any rider who doesn't fall into these catagories, they are a twat. the end.
edit Enemies of Motorbikes
The following names will attempt to destroy motorbikes and their riders whenever possible:
- The weather
- Bad roads
- Soccer Moms
- School Run Moms (called affectionately: Prozac Pamela, Mogadon Mary, Vallium Valery, Neurotic Nadine)
- Four wheel drives/SUVs
- Cars in general
- Stationary, red post-vans (as demonstrated by the case Adam Miller v. Royal Mail)
- People using mobile phones
- Centrifugal force
- Sign posts
- Cable safety barriers
- Oil slicks
- Dirt piles
- Tram tracks
- Shoe shiners
- Yapping excitable dogs
- Insect swarms
- Low-flying birds
- Rabbits (like the one on The Isle of Man in the sidecar race in 2009)
- Little wet twigs
- Whoever's running the country today
- Manhole covers
It is a well-known fact that motorcycles have the ability to turn themselves and their riders completely invisible to all other traffic (a factor utilized by the Klingons in their cloaking device) except police officers, to whom the opposite effect occurs.
edit Motorbikes in the Wild
Motorbikes come in many varieties (breeds), and while the machines themselves are a tolerant species, their riders are much less tolerant of one another. By simple virtue of asthetics or functionality certain types of riders gravitate to certain breeds of motorbikes. In many ways this anomaly can be directly compared with, and in some instances correlated to dog owners.
The cruiser tends to attract dark leather and chap clad overweight middle-aged males intent on chasing down trailer-trash moms and their jailbait daughters. It is thought by many researchers that this occurs primarily due to physical limitations in this demographic that require a comfortable bike that consumes inordinate amounts of fuel for its substandard level of performance. This way they don't feel inadequate when they choose to remain near their home for fear that their hemorrhoids may begin to act up. Furthermore the cruiser is unquestionably the loudest breed of motorcycle, making it easier for the geriatrics of the bike world to assert their masculinity.
The Sportbike (AKA: Morbidus Motorbikus) was bred to entertain young, irresponsible riders that enjoy nothing more than sitting at a local gas station (Shell stations are the locations of choice in Canada) attempting to lure unsuspecting females into their sexually deprived circle of friends. You may spot a sport bike rider at a distance by looking for brightly coloured leather suits and matching gloves, boots and helmets. Alternatively during hot months they frequently wear trendy board-shorts, sandals and polo shirts. For the sport-bike rider protective apparrel is only necessary when the temperature is below 10 degrees centigrade. Because of this breed's uncomfortable nature they are less common on remote stretches of highway and prefer to make their home in school-zones or near movie theaters during summer vacation.
The scooter, often considered to be the retard of the motorcycle family tree, was developed for scrawny high school seniors who have given up on ever succeeding with women, having decided that gas mileage is more important than sex. These males often believe that they "will just get laid in college". It is a commonly held misconception that the "cuteness" or "quirkiness" or "Europeanness" of a scooter will be appealing to women. Studies have consistently shown that this is untrue, mainly due to the fact that it is impossible for two people to ride at once, and still maintain enough speed to not embarrass yourself (any scooter that is powerful enough to accomplish this will get bad mileage, rendering it useless, and, therefore, completely gay). Despite getting supernatural gas mileage, scooters will not appeal to environmentalist girls because they blow out more pollution than a hummer H2.
SPECIALISED MOTORCYCLES (Specialized Motorsickles : USA)
For the "nicest of people" the Japanese invented HONDA. Utterly well designed & engineered, but incredibly bland. For those "frightened of 2 wheels" (eg: Jez Clarkson) the convertible (rag top) car was invented. This is a very poor second to a motorcycle, but aged people who wish they had the cahooners large enough to ride 2 wheel, will buy one - favourite is a convertible Megane in metalic peach with half leather interior. For the "Power Ranger" (read chav) bikers - the latest equipment is essential. Matching leather suits, gloves, boots and (most importantly) helmets are a MUST. They tend to meet and have a strict routine of parking in order of surname alphabetical superiority. This is so that they can find their own bike within the line-up, as the plastic rockets have no decerning differences. The main difference between a motorcycle and any other form of transport - Errrrm, if I have to explain that one, you'll never be able to understand!