MotoGP

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AsukamotorcycleGP

The four-times MotoGP Champion, Phyllis Watanabe, posing with her Do-Katty motorcycle after finishing 5th at the prestigious Welsh Grand Prix of 2007.

MotoGP, or FIM Motorcycle Grand Prix Road Racing World Championship for short, is the top tier of motorcycle racing where all of the world's best riders (usually from Spain, Italy, Japan, United Kingdom or the Dark System of States) compete in a literal battle to the death across several racetracks each season. As such, very few former MotoGP competitors are still alive today.

edit Brief History

MotoGP was invented by Professor Albert Motogp, who came up with the idea in a fit of rage after coming up with ever faster and ever more dangerous means of transport and accidentally putting together the world's first motorcycle which, despite a top speed of 170 km/h, was equivalent in size to the Empire State Building and therefore impossible to start moving, so the idea was scrapped. The blueprints for this original model were donated to the Casio Museum of the Prototype Technologies in Portimão, Portugal, but these were seized in an overnight raid by top spies from rival company Yamaha, who would successfully commandeer Casio's plans to become one of the world's leading motorcycle manufacturers in an event that went down in legend as "The Race Race".

The first such "champion" of MotoGP was the legendary Oscar Wilde, who rode for his very own team Wilde Card Racing, the most successful team in the history of MotoGP. Most people question the team's existence, however, due to their bikes, riders and crew members being invisible, silent and untouchable and the fact that the team are never mentioned anywhere. Only Valentino Rossi comes close to matching this legendary rider's speed, but recently he has begun to make some absolutely rubbish mistakes in races which cost him any chance of winning the title. He recently confirmed that he was deliberately throwing races because he felt it only right that his idol's record should stand for the rest of eternity. He is expected to retire at the end of the year if he isn't already dead.

edit Famous Competitors

The MotoGP campaign has boasted the most intriguing and exciting range of competitors thus far, most of which are now deceased of course. Let us look here now at a list of some of the "greatest" MotoGP competitors so far.

Valentino "Doctor Who" Rossi

A living legend of the MotoGP grid, who enters every race with "The Doctor" written on the back of his overalls due to his unrequitted love for the Doctor Who television series. He is known to be one of the most insane and ruthless motorcycle racers ever to enter MotoGP. He is one of the longest running MotoGP competitors having completed a total of 2 seasons (3 including his initial wildcard entry) without dying. He also holds a place in the record books for "Most famous bottom on TV" due to his on-bike camera being positioned right in front of his backside. The snot-coloured patches on his overalls are an homage to his first team, Nastro Azzurro (which translates literally as "Nasty Arsehole"). The Doctor is known never to operate without the assistance of Nurse Traction Control, and only rides special tires flown into race weekends by black helicopters. Rossi prefers to stay in front as, by his own admission, he likes other racers to watch his posterior.

Loriscapi Rossi

The brother of Valentino Rossi. He survived most of the season mainly due to being defended at all costs from opposing riders by Valentino. He was sadly killed after being involved in a head-on collision with 19 other riders in the Afghanistan Grand Prix.

Omelandryskull

Mark O'Melandry in a pre-season promotional shot, holding his rather unconventional racing helmet.

Mark O'Melandry

O'Melandry was an Irish racer for the Do-Katty racing team. Prior to his MotoGP career he lived a fantastic life travelling the world, his most recent job being as a diarrhoea salesman in Milton Keynes, where he first discovered MotoGP and decided to sign up "for a bit of craic" as he liked to put it. He had a successful start to his MotoGP career and made a name for himself instantly. He was killed in only his third race, making him one of the longer serving racers in MotoGP.

"Crazy" Colvin Edwards

"Crazy" Colvin once raced alongside Valentino Rossi at the Yamaha team, where he earned his nickname by proving himself to be even more of a nutcase than Rossi was. He entered the first race of the season, at one of the multiple Spanish circuits on this year's calendar, where he only just managed to pull through from a usual horrific incident. He returned to his seat by the time he recovered, only to die just 4 laps in to the race at the hands of his teammate, in an incident that came to be known as "The Perpendicular Bump".

Casey Stoner

Named after his rampant drug habits, Casey Stoner is one of the more artistic drivers in terms of his racing style, in that he has an uncanny ability to rebound off other bikes to gain an extra boost of speed. Along with Rossi, he is the only other rider to have survived a whole season in the sport. He retired from MotoGP with several race wins to his name, but controversy surrounds him after he conveniently managed to avoid several drugs tests. In a very rare interview with a living MotoGP rider, when quizzed about the matter, Stoner was quoted as saying "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Haaa! Ooooooooh, fuck a parrot! HA HA HA HA HA HA *gasp* GOD OH SERIOUS NOW- serious now hrrrm. Ber. Whaaaaat eehhh. What. What was the question again HHHHHH heheheheheee!"

Heehaw Lorenzo

Racing prodigy Lorenzo, a former apprentice greengrocer from a quiet Spanish village, endured a meteoric rise to motorcycling stardom following his humble beginnings in the 1cc category. Eventually making the top flight with Yamaha, he annihilated the record books by winning every race of his debut season, while holding a race-long wheelie, blindfolded, wearing only his underpants and carrying his mam's shopping. Despite taking a battering in the first race of his second season, in which he lost both of his arms in an incident known as "The Greasy Grapefruit", he was all set to go for the next race. Unfortunately, he instantly fell over at the start and was subsequently crushed to death by the oncoming bikes, rounding off what was a disappointing title defence.

John "The Grasshopper" Hopkins

MotoGP rider John Hopkins was nicknamed "The Grasshopper" due to his exceptionally long legs. Sizing up at 9"2, he is one of the tallest MotoGP riders ever, just missing out on the record to Ralf "The Giraffe" Giraffmann. He, along with quite a few others, was killed in the first race after being decapitated going under a low bridge.

Dani Pedrodelarosa

Dani Pedrodelarosa famously made his debut with Ripsoff E Honda where he induced one of the sport's most controversial rage-quits, bumping over his title-winning teammate, Nicky "The Hoover" Hayden. This year, he celebrated his 10th race anniversary with one of his signature industrial dance parties, as he prepared to enter into yet another MotoGP season. He was abruptly exploded towards the end of the first race by his latest teammate Marc M. Marquez's rear tyre, as revenge for costing him a 3rd successive title.

GordonBrownbike

Carlos of the Exchequer, centre, examines the MotoGP bike he is set to ride.

Carlos of the Exchequer

Carlos Exchequer was one of the leading politicians in the United Kingdom until he found it increasingly maddening, and furthermore knew it was giving him a negative profile. As a result, he altered everyone's memories of him using most secret GCHQ technology and became a MotoGP rider instead, despite no previous experience on a motorcycle. He was last seen as the sole rider for Pacman Do-Katty Racing, but like many others lost his life in the first race after "failing to work out where the steering wheel was".

Marc M. Marquez

A rising star in the world of MotoGP, having completed 5 races for Ripsoff and won the title on 3 occasions. Marc Mark Marquez quickly earned nicknames such as "Marks" following his coveted sponsorship deal with Marks & Spencer, "Marx" in honour of his trademark vaudeville routine on the podium, and "Mak" due to his "touch of death" collisions being legendarily deadly, with one famous incident known as "The Knobbly Sandwich" taking the lives of 6 riders simultaneously. Marquez sadly lost his life after sighing for too long following his first failure to mount a title challenge. One popular myth is that his lungs deflated so much his consciousness began to occupy negative space.

Randeep Yuniay

A dual nationality French/Indian rider, former Kawasaki rider Randeep holds the current record for the most penalties ever issued to a MotoGP rider: two. The first one was issued after he appeared to win the opening race but was revealed to have entered a cheat code into his bike setup before the race and was docked most of his one point. He committed the same offence the following race and was penalized by death when race officials activited his auto-destruct.

Anthony “Eastie” West

Anthony West, nicknamed "Eastie" in tribute to his favourite band, Westlife, was drafted in at Kawasaki to replace Oliver Jacques (pronounced 'Jakes'). He didn't last long, however, as despite a promising start to his debut race at the Antarctica Autodrome, he entered the pits to change bikes for wet-weather tyres. Because of this he emerged several laps down due to the pit lane being half the length of the continent for safety reasons. He still ended up missing the exit and sliding across the ice into the water, where he nearly drowned but fortunately was frozen to preserve his body for a later MotoGP season.

Shinji Nakano

Shinji Nakano, who completed in Formula One with Minardi in 1998, bore no relation to the motorcycle racer Shinya Nakano, who also competed in a near-identical series called Formula 1, racing for the Prost team in 1997. The two often swapped places between their respective racing disciplines out of boredom, which became apparent when during one Formula One race, Nakano was seen to be skiing his car around every corner. While an effective manoeuvre, the FIA and FIM frowned upon this act of mischievous deception, quietly withdrawing both racers and locking them in a fishtank. They remain on public display as a modern art instalment in Saskatoon.

Fatbiker23

"Racing Rob", lining up for his debut Grand Prix.

Kenny “Racing Rob” Roberts Jr

"Racing Rob" was the son of former MotoGP rider Kenny "Bobby" Roberts, who founded his own race team and conceived a son moments before his death following a MotoGP accident in a desperate attempt to keep his name in MotoGP. Unfortunately, the bike was worse than crap, and its rider Kenny Jr was killed in the first race in a bizarre incident which saw him run half the race distance upside-down.

Kurtis “Other Racing Rob” Roberts

Older brother of Kenny, Kurtis was drafted in at Team Bobby to replace him halfway through the season in a last-ditch attempt to keep the team going. They were not aware that Kurtis had no experience whatsoever riding any sort of motor vehicle, which led to a disastrous second half of the season in which Kurtis never managed to even start the bike. Because of this he was killed by the end of the first lap after being launched into orbit by race leader Stoner, who later said in an interview "I'm never smoking that shit again".

Michel Febreze-io

Fomer rider who has stood an at Suzuki, Kawasaki, Do-Katty and just about every other team. He made history as the first odour-eliminating spray to enter a racing category. Death isn't a problem for this rider as the team manager can just go and buy a fresh bottle from Tesco's.

Jeremy "Retire" McWilliams

One of the most experienced runners ever, having entered every MotoGP race since the series' inception, Jeremy McWilliams was famous for retiring and getting injured in every single race. He last raced for the aptly named Ill More team and crashed out before the season even began. He is currently dead, and undergoing yet another process of resurrection ready for his next inevitable attempt.

Eddie "The Nose" Lawson

An American rider, notable for his large nose. One of the fastest riders in his day, as a by-product of his famous nose improving aerodynamics in a way that the sport's rules would not allow as a technological development. He was the last rider to win the championship posthumously, as he died just before crossing the finish line in his final MotoGP race, in an incident famously known as "The Gas Turnip". His nose was donated to the snack manufacturing giant Frito-Lay, who used it as research into the shape of their tortilla chips.

Luca Candelabra

An Italian rider who made his name with Honda and Yamaha in the 80s. His career ended under unusual circumstances when, taken by hunger mid-race he began to ingest some yoghurt from his drinks tube. At this stage, his camshaft overheated, causing him to shake vigorously until it exlpoded, at which point his tube squirted yoghurt all over his helmet. His story his since been used as a precautionary tale, encouraging use of clear drinks during race meetings.

Kevin Schwing

One of the most legendary motorcycle racers in the sport's history, his racing prowess only surpassed by Oscar Wilde. He is known for pioneering the "Schwingarm", his patented version of the swingarm, heralded for its impressive vertical pivot. When he retired from motorcycle racing after securing one championship title and miraculously managing to survive, the FIM decided to retire all of his racing numbers as a mark of honour, However, this was revised when it was discovered this left just 4 numbers for use. When asked which number he wanted to take, he chose 34, on the basis that this was the average life expectancy of a MotoGP rider. Tragically, Kevin passed away the following year in a nothing accident. He was 33.

edit The Bikes

No MotoGP season is complete without the usual line-up of motorcycles to race for that season. Some of the most famous bike manufactureres to have developed a lasting legacy in the sport include:

Toybike

Yamaha's bikes are the absolute pinnacle of racing technology.

edit Yamaha

The Yamaha team is a rapidly growing team in the world of MotoGP due to is sturdy design and unsurmountable top speeds of up to 3mph. It is the only bike not to be powered by an engine. Instead the inner workings of the YamaHAHAHAHAAA bike consist of various wires, lumps of metal and some form of flammable fluid. The bike has an incredibly impressive record considering its design hasn't been updated since the 1950s.

edit Do-Katty Racing Team

Do_Katty first entered in 1990 as the first anime style racing team, and as such its riders consisted mainly of anime characters with weird hairstyles. Due to its anime roots the team usually puts up the most elaborate, intense and heroic performances out of any team. The most recent champion, Phyllis Watanabe, was Do-Katty's first champion due to her being the first rider for the team that held "main character" status.

edit Ripsoff E Honda

Sponsored by the underground, underhanded energy drinks company Ripsoff, this is regarded as the main team run by former sumo wrestler E Honda of Street Fighter fame. The team are relatively new, since they were taken over at the turn of the century by Team Telefone-sex scandal Moviestar (Run by the late Dave Moviestar). They are regarded as one of the most successful teams in the sport's modern history, with stars such as Casey Stoner, "Doctor Who" Rossi, Nicky "The Hoover" Hayden and M. Marquez all being able to use the machine correctly to secure the expected top spot in the championship books.

edit Kawa-sucky Team

The Kawa-sucky Team from Japan was originally concepted as an incredibly elaborate-looking tri-colour motorcycle, consiting of yellow, green and purple patterns. Unfortunately the team could not afford any more paint, so they had to just make it all green. The team has a terrible record due to crappy riders, only two bikes and an extremely low budget. I mean if they afford paint then they're hardly gonna be a massive success are they?

edit Ritz la Suzuki

Ritz la Suzuki was entered into MotoGP at the turn of the millennium in an attempt to make MotoGP appeal to a more upmarket audience. They enjoy a rather spiffing record in MotoGP, what what. A simply marvellous little team that really makes a promenade down the racetrack all the more worthwile. Chocks away!

edit Greasy Knee

Greasy Knee is one of an infinite number of teams running the E Honda bike. They are so called because of the unique wings attached to the sides of the bike which allows the rider to take the tightest of corners without causing damage to their knees. There has long been a campaign to ban this as it is an illegal aerodynamic feature that causes danger to other riders (many have lost feet as the result of a clash with this bike).

AsciiMotorbike

A Tech 3 riding noob demonstrates how not to steer a MotoGP bike.

edit OMG teh l33t T3ch 3 YamaHAHAHAHAAA

Running a second pair of YamaHAHAHAHAAA bikes by popular demand, the team was started over the internet by a conglomeration of noobs, who voted that the name should be Tech E because it sounded "LIEK TEH B35T NAM3 3VARRRR!!!111". Because the team was founded and owned by noobs, they have the worst bikes out of all teams on the grid and, as such, have yet to "finish" a race.

edit Team Alice In Wonderland(who the f**k is Alice?)

New team joining forces with Pacamac racing team, running a pair of ancient Do-Katty motorcycles. Pacamac was founded by Egyptian entrepreneur Caramac Lolcat Pacamac in 1983 B.C. as a "Scribes 4 Hire" service which still continues to this day, albeit with extremely little work. They have enjoyed a lot of failure in recent years as Pacamac Ponce and Pacamac D'arsey. Suprisingly, this seems to have had very little effect at this point in time, with their only new work being to assist chavs in writing text messages. Why they agreed to rename the team "Alice" is a mystery to everyone, and as such is considered the worst name for a product since Nintendo named their console after a euphemism for urination.

edit Liquid Crystal Racing (LCR) E Honda

The Liquid Crystal Racing team is famous for being the only bike developed entirely on a calculator screen. As a consequence of this, however, the bike only appears in a series of entirely black lines, and is a terrible bike as it is extremely difficult to stand up. Because of this, no-one has ever rode a Liquid Crystal bike and lived to tell the tale. Also worthy of note is that they couldn't be arsed to find a second rider.

edit Jerk Team Scot

Scot only entered because they wanted to jump on the bandwagon of teams that have run E Honda bikes, such as Ripsoff, Telefone-sex scandal Moviestar and the Chronica Minolta team, a previous name of the team. They have made no progress, and as such are only bothering to enter one rider which is bloody lazy.

edit Team Bobby

Team Bobby was unique in that you were only allowed to race for them if your surname is Roberts. Unfortunately, we doubt many would've wanted to as it would mean riding on one of the crappest motorcycles in existence, which is a humiliation that nobody in the world needs. That and, obviously, certain death. Team Bobby's riders usually consisted of Kenny "Racing Rob" Roberts and, Kurtis "Other Racing Rob" Roberts, though they briefly had other "talents" such as Shane "Shakey" Shakespeare and Jurgen van de Calrsbergh. Team Bobby have thankfully gone bankrupt after the Roberts family were wiped out by a freak earthquake in the UK on February 2008.

Womanscooter

Ilmor's veteran test rider, Doris, tries out their 2007 bike.

edit Ill More

Ill More's efforts to enter a MotoGP team began in 2006, when their team boss Super Mario Illien suddenly leapt from his chair and said "I know! Let's start up yet another pointless racing team that's doomed to fail from the very beginning!" Hence, the Ill More MotoGP team was born. They started off by entering the last two races of the season, where their rider Fishen Chipps achieved a shock debut victory, despite being 3 laps down on the rest of the field. This allowed them to be entered full time for 2007. They pulled out after one race due to a lack of promotional gold watches. Their drivers, namely Andrew Pitt-Lane and Jeremy "Retire" McWilliams, put in the best efforts of their shit careers during this time, which isn't saying much at all.

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