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“Добро пожаловать в Москву, товарищ! (Welcome to Moscow Comrade!)”
Moscow (pronounced moss cow) is the particularly large clump of rather expired overstocked fertilizer liked as a capital of the Russian Federation and the seat of tsar Valdimir the Putin. From 1917 until 1991 it was also the capital of Soviet Russia so the next time you are angered by a rubbish Russian Reversal quote you know who to blame. The people of Moscow are affectionately known as "Muscovites" or "Putin's Imperial Guard"
Moscow is bloody cold. For one month of the year it is extremely hot. Snow in Moscow is white when it falls turning brown then black over a period of months. As it begins to melt it spawns beer cans, fag buts and packets. It is highly toxic eating through most materials.
Moscow was first created as a settlement by a nomadic tribe of marsh living midgets. People tend to inhabit their dreams, as this is seen as a nicer place to live. In April 2008, Moscow was twinned with Crofton.
During the Second World War, Hitler's wife fled him and his evil tyrannous reign over Europe - apparently Blitzkrieg was too loud and kept Hitler's wife awake at night. She fled to Moscow and hid in a secret nuclear bunker.
This enraged Hitler when he heard about his wife running off to Moscow, and instantly assumed she had left him for Stalin - Hitler's wife was always complaining his mustache wasn't big enough. Hitler took this very personally, cried all night, then mounted Operation Barbarossa the following day. This consisted of the entire German army heading straight to Moscow to find Hitler's wife. However, Hitler decided that the entire German army should head to Stalingrad, as his intelligence had informed him she had fled to Stalingrad. The entire German army went to Stalingrad, got their asses kicked by the superior species, and died. The rest of the army headed to Moscow.
Moscow was not happy at the threat of being seiged, so Moscow fought the German army away when they were 19 miles from the city. (It is claimed that Moscow is a very good shot with a rifle.) Moscow won, and in 1496 was granted status of "Most Awesome City In The World".
The vast majority of Moscovites are small, with flat heads and square faces. They are generally reticent about anything non-Russian, including such western ideas as central heating and freedom of speech. The most famous resident of Moscow is currently Vlad "the impaler" Putin, the incumbent dictator/President for life. Generally regarded by everyone with a gun to their heads as the greatest Russian of all time. Aside from Vlad "the impaler" Putin, Moscow's population is somewhere in the region of 350 - 400,000 people, though current figures are pending upon the death of 50 journalists who might be publishing articles about free speech. Rumours that there are 14 million people in Moscow are a complete and utter lie, as are rumours that the entire city centre can rotate to reveal a bristling array of nuclear warheads primed to launch at the Evil West.
Moscow Inc. is one of the most prominent producers of fertiliser in North America, using cutting-edge technological advances to produce a synthetic manure. The chemists involved in the invention of Moscow Inc's artificial manure spent fifteen years working with various chemical compounds, risking death by unexplained explosion almost every day, before they were satisfied. Moscow Inc's synthetic manure perfectly replicates real cow manure right down to the smell. Yngwie Malmsteen, the leading scientist in the in the invention of artificial manure, was awarded the Nobel Prize in 2002. Moscow Incorporated's headquarters is located in Boston, Massachusetts.
Moscow Inc. Employees
When it comes to hiring employees, Moscow Incorporated has some interesting requirements. As of 2004, company policy dictates that all new employees must be under 5 ft. tall and weigh under 150 lbs. Candidates who smile during the interview are absolutely never hired. Additionally, all employees must have a degree in botany, psychology, and/or interior design. In accordance with newly passed laws, employees are also required to ingest seven fluid ounces of cockroach potion four days a week. Wages vary.
Moscow Inc. has factories in 40 of the 50 states of America and sell their products in stores worldwide. Moscow Incorporated's spokesman, Karl Rove, said in a recent interview that Moscow Inc. plans to have factories in all 50 states and most parts of Europe by 2010.
List of most popular factory locations:
- Dearfield, Illinois
- Newton, Massachusetts
- New York City, New York
- Miami, Florida
- Mawson Station, Antarctica
Москва or Moskva?
The different municipalities claiming spelling rights fought for centuries. Noah Webster pinned down the Russian leader on a waterboard and, through peaceful negotiations involving strangling and simulated drowning, trademarked the Romanized version of the name, which later developed into 'Moscow'. Malaysian Death Metal band 'Sonny and Cher' ignored this with the release of their single, 'Moskau' in 362 BC. Webster has since sworn revenge and is raising an army of undead zombies against them. Watch out, you happy-go-lucky metalheads.
The stone of destiny
The (formerly) Council of Berwick upon Tweed decided to nick the stone of destiny, but James Bond and PC Ventress was hot on their trail. The councillers grabbed the next ferry to Bornholm, then to Leningrad. They dropped the stone at Moscow. After 45 years, the GRU (KGB that is) tracked it down. The stone was duly returned to London.