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Morris County is a nature preserve in New Jersey created to protect the endangered New Jersey Republican. The preserve was created by an act of the New Jersey legislature in 1993. Today, it is home to nearly 500,000 New Jersey Republicans.
edit Early 20th century: Historic strength
For most of the 20th Century, the New Jersey Republican was a thriving species. Republicans were widespread throughout the state, living in places as diverse as the City of Newark to rural Salem County.
Then-New York Governor Theodore Roosevelt came to New Jersey in 1899 to hunt Vice President Garrett Hobart, a long-sought-after New Jersey Republican, eventually killing him in November of that year with a rifle. Roosevelt mounted Hobart’s taxidermic head at his Oyster Bay, Long Island estate. Roosevelt then took Hobart’s place on the 1900 Republican ticket and was elected Vice President.
edit Mid 20th century: Adaptation and overhunting
The New Jersey Republican proved itself adaptable in the mid 20th Century, growing in strength and numbers even as the once backwater reaches of the state were developed into suburbs from the end of World War II through the 1970s. The socially conservative policies of the Reagan Administration, however, ultimately doomed the species. Abortion restrictions allowed the population of the New Jersey Republican’s predator, the New Jersey Democrat, to grow tremendously. The larger population of the New Jersey Democrat then began hunting the New Jersey Republican to near extinction.
edit Recent history: Protection
In 1992, Bill Clinton became the first Democrat to win a presidential election in New Jersey since Lyndon Johnson in 1964. The turn of events made it clear that New Jersey Democrats were hunting New Jersey Republicans at an unsustainable rate. With a collapse of the political ecosystem imminent, the New Jersey legislature passed the Republican Protection Act in 1994, which set aside Morris County as a preserve for New Jersey Republicans. The act signed into law by Governor Christine Todd Whitman. As the New Jersey Republican’s numbers have declined elsewhere in the state, it has remained strong in Morris County.
In 2000, the New Jersey Republican became protected under the Endangered Species Act.
Morris County is located in northwestern New Jersey. It is 482 square miles, making it one of the largest nature preserves in the Mid Atlantic region. A majority of the preserve is to the west of Interstate 287. The southeastern portion of the preserve is sparsely swampland known as the Great Swamp. To the north and west, the preserve becomes hilly, with dense woods to the far north and west. This is the preferred habitat of the New Jersey Republican, which often enjoys the seclusion provided by such terrain. New Jersey Republicans are known to become hostile when humans approach their nests, so seclusion diminishes the chances of an altercation.
Designed to protect the New Jersey Republican, Morris County is flush with the species. The New Jersey Republican is unique from other Republican species in several ways. For one, it does not carry guns to protect itself, leaving it defenseless when hunted by Democrats. Additionally, it is non-aggressive toward homosexuals, unlike its Southern Republican counterpart.
There are several different PACs of New Jersey Republicans in Morris County, among them:
- The Mitt Romney PAC is the smallest and weakest PAC. They live in the southeast corner of the preserve and distinguish themselves by wearing polo shirts and bright colored chinos to attract mates. They live in large, historic nests and are known to have the most resources, despite their vulnerability. The PAC is believed to be the descendants of Republicans that once migrated from Wall Street.
- The Tony Soprano PAC lives in the northeast corner of the preserve and is descendant from Republicans that migrated from the Italian neighborhoods of Newark. They are the largest PAC in the preserve, with nasaly, obnoxious mating calls. They live in large, tasteless nests.
- The Archie Bunker PAC, located in the northwest corner of the preserve, is known for its symbiotic relationship with the other PACs. This PAC provides grooming, cleaning, and mechanical or building repairs to the other packs in exchange for sustenance.
- The Sarah Palin PAC is the most isolated and aggressive PAC. This PAC (pictured) is known to attack other PACs for not being conservative enough. They are also known to forego Wall Street Journal opinion pieces for their preferred diet of Donald Trump speeches and clips of Alex Jones from InfoWars. They live in the southwest portion of the Morris County preserve. The PAC is extremely hostile to outsiders and should not be approached.
The Morris County preserve is a major tourist attraction in the northeastern United States. Each year, the preserve attracts 2 million visitors, who come to see supply-side economics, traditional family values, and the natural beauty of Morris County.
A popular attraction in the preserve is Chris Christie, the biggest New Jersey Republican. Although he is a member of the mostly docile Mitt Romney Pack, Chris Christie is the alpha male of the pack and poses a danger to small children and pets. Christie is known to beat his chest and butt heads with other males. He is also known to sing Bruce Springsteen lyrics as part of his unique mating call, which tourists can hear if they go out at night on guided tours of the Morris County preserve.
edit See also
Republicans and Conservatives
Mean and cranky is your only safe choice
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