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“This Guy was my most worthy philosophical opponent. And by "This Guy", I mean the inventor of kitten huffing, not this goofy bastard.”
“Throughout the history of man, only a select few philosophers have formed the foundation of modern thought. And then you also have guys like Moronicus.”
Gaius Lucius Moronicus (1458-1424 b.c.) was the well known opponent of Idiocrates, the greatest of the early Roman mathematicians, and the most skilled aplolgist of Roman Paganism who ever lived. He is also called the father of Unintelligent Design and the Inventor of the Moronic Method.
According to Roman tradition, Moronicus was born in 1458 b.c. So called "Modern Science" and "Quotes from People Alive Near the Alledged Event in History" assert that Rome was not founded until the 8th century b.c. Therefore, using "Reason" and so called "Intuition", "They" assert that Moronicus never existed. However, these fools do not know that Janus, God of Doors, teleported Moronicus back into the second millennium B.C. This was done because of the well known fact that the gods believe everything is more humorous if it happened at some random-assed date in the second millennium B.C.
During his youth, Moronicus engaged in numerous theological disputes with the Etruscan tribes living in central Italy. In the year 1440 B.C., the proto-Etruscans threatened to destroy the small Roman community for worshipping strange gods. Moronicus, being the wisest, and only, Roman alive at the time, then challenged the Etruscan priests to a theological debate hoping to spare his city from certain doom. During that debate, Moronicus asserted that most, if not all pantheons were but different names for the same gods, now called the doctrine of universal pantheonism; in addition this debate was the first use of the Moronic Method.
The Moronic Method
The Moronic Method, simply put, is the process of winning debates by asserting that one's opponent is a heretic or blasphemer. Moronicus first asserted three basic facts about the gods: first that they are powerful beings, second, that they desire worship, and third, that they are lying bastards. It follows that the gods would desire worship from as many people as possible and that they had the power to inform all men of their existence. However, it was well known that each nation worshipped different groups of gods. Moronicus solved this paradox by stating that since the gods are deceptive, if follows they may have revealed themselves under different names. Moronicus then went on to prove that the priests of the Etruscans blasphemed the gods by asserting that they lacked the power to make themselves known to the whole world. Furthermore, he stated that for this blaphemy, the Etruscan priests must be put to death, lest the gods send forth pestilence and plague. As a result of his rhetorical skill, Rome (or rather the future site thereof) was spared and 2,000 vile heretics were crucified sideways to appease Jupiter.
Moronicus then turned his attention to defending the true faith of paganism against philosophers, liberals, and other wizards. In 1437 B.C., he published the now famous essay What Horde of Slop-Artists Build This World?, in which he proved with absolute certainty that the universe was too disorderly to have been created by a single being. In it, he listed 10 main proofs for the existence of multiple finite and arbitrary creators:
- Atlas, who supports the earth, is in turn supported by a giant turtle. What rational being uses a turtle as building material?
- The possibility of sailing off the edge of the earth, universally attested to by sailors. For this to be possible, the edges oceans must be supported by a magical force field holding back a wall of water miles in height. Yet this same force field somehow allows a ships to pass through it. A rational creator would have put high land around the edges of the earth.
- The random movement of planets through the zodiac. Even the convoluted system of epicycles could not completely explain the motions of planets.
- Why bad things happen to good people. This can only be due to an arbitrary deity.
- Spontaneous Generation. For example, maggots come from rotting meat, fleas from dirt, mice from hay, fish from the sea, geese from trees, babies from storks, et cetera.
- The moon is made of cheese, yet people go hungry on earth.
- Asserting that events happened at random dates in the 2nd millennium B.C. are surprisingly hilarious to everyone, and it never ever ever ever gets old. Not even a little bit, ever, under any circumstances at all.
- I, Moronicus was President of the United States from 1694-1687 B.C., and as President I issued an Executive Order in 1693, while invoking Presidential Infallibility, declaring the world was created by multiple finite and arbitrary creators.
- Oscar Wilde, Mr. T., and Chuck Norris support unintelligent design.
- Those who deny Unintelligent design normally die violent, painful, and premature deaths, not long after questioning the theory.
Conflict With Idiocrates
In 1435 b.c., Moronicus came across Idiocrates' essay "Is Stuff Made from Other Stuff?" in which Idiocrates propagated the heresy that matter, which was called "stuff" in those days, was made of other stuff. Although Idiocrates had yet to postulate his theory of four elements, he asserted that stuff could exist in four states (lumpy, splashy, breezy, and burny) and could be combined. This clearly implied order in the universe, which contradicted the theory of unintelligent design and a chaotic universe. Moronicus replied to this vile heresy with his own essay "Is Stuff Shit Left Lying Around?", in which he argued that Idiocrates was full of crap up to his eyeballs for two reasons:
First, if stuff is really shit lying arround, then there are as many kinds of stuff as there are kinds of shit lying around creation. However, if stuff is made of other "stuff", then there are only as many kinds of "stuff" as there are kinds of "stuff", implying that the gods only made a few kinds of "stuff" and made all other stuff by throwing "stuff" together. This implies that the gods could only make a few kinds of stuff, which is blasphemy as it questions the power of the gods; or that the creators decided to make a few kinds of stuff, which is inconsistent with the nature of the gods.
Second, if stuff is other "stuff", then would it not be possible to make stuff out of "stuff"? Moronicus then challenged Idiocrates to make stuff out of "stuff" as soon as he determined what stuff was pure "stuff". He went further to ask if are animals, man, and other stuff that that were made of "stuff", or are even the gods made of "stuff"? Was even the soul just "stuff"?
Additionally, Moronicus also argued that instead of asking, "Is stuff made from other stuff or is stuff just shit left lying around", one should ask, "Is stuff shit left lying around or is stuff just made from other stuff?", as "shit left lying around" is obviously better than "stuff". Moronicus spent the last 85% of his essay of this vital point.
Unfortunately, Idiocrates and much of Greece ignored the objections of Moronicus and adopted the Idiocratic theory of stuff over the next several years.
Debate with Idiocrates
In 1429 B.C., shortly after the idiotic table of elements was introduced, Idiocrates finally met Moronicus face-to-face in debate. Although the full text of the debate has not survived, several notable quotes have been preserved by later writers, the most famous include:
“Then make stuff out of stuff, ya simple bastard. The only stuff you can make out of stuff is mud, steam, bubbles, and, if you're lucky, a brick. ”
“Oh yeah, while I as President of the United States from 1782-1709 b.c, I issued an infallible executive order declaring that the theory of unitelligent design is dependent on stuff being made of stuff.”
“What retard believes the gods only made a few kinds of stuff, cock-weed.”
“Stuff is by definition made of stuff, else we would not call it stuff, so I am right."”
“You will all burn in Hades for your heresy!”
“Oh yeah? Well, you're a stupid-head!”
“I know you are but what am I!”
“You believe in the existence of stuff, so my theory is right!”
“Oh, so I'm infallible now? Therefore I am right.”
“Stuff is stuff is stuff, but its not "stuff".”
“Mr. T. believes stuff is shit left lying around, so there!”
“Oh yeah? Well, you're a double-stupid-head! ”
“Is the human soul just a wad of stuff or is it some shit left lying around?”
“If you can't answer that, then you're a retard, and a triple-stupid-head.”
The surviving commentaries seem to suggest that Idiocrates won the argument, chiefly on the grounds that the Greek language at the time used the same word for both stuff and stuff. Also, some students of Moronicus felt he did not make ample use of the Moronic method, instead he attempt to refute, with "reason" the "ideas" of his opponent.
Redefinition of Stuff and Shit
Moronicus blamed his defeat on the fact that stuff and stuff were the same word in Greek, therefore, he decided to redefine the word "stuff" to mean "shit that was made out of the four kinds of stuff". All other objects were defined as "shit", a shorter version of the phrase "shit left lying around". To avoid unneeded crassness, Moronicus would often use the term "crap". These ideas are contained is his essay "The Crappiness of Creation and the Non-Existence of So-Called Stuff", which was distributed around the ancient world. In it, Moronicus asserted that belief in stuff angered the gods, and those states which would not purge their lands of this heresy would incur the wrath of Nemisis. Unfortunately, only in Italy were the believers in Stuff, called Stuffists, suppressed with the sword.
Moronicus then argued that as "stuff" was by definition made of crap, crap is the most basic form of existence. Moronicus also advised all Crappists, (the name given to his followers), to prove the existence of Crap by soiling themselves then throwing their own feces at their opponents. Thus the theory of Crappism was born.
In 1426 B.C. Moronicus published his now famous mathematical treastie, entitled What Comes After III? in which he dealt with the problem of higher numbers. Up until that time, the Roman numerical system consisted of 4 numbers, I, II, III, and V, the last being the symbol for any number over III or infinity. Some people were not happy with this system, and suggested that there were numbers greater than III and less than infinity. Moronicus put an end to this impious crazy talk, by drawing upon the theory of Crappism.
Moronicus wisely argued that adding more numbers to the system may eventually result in Idiocrates' number of Stuffs being finite instead of infinite. Moronicus correctly warned adding even just one more number might make it possible for the Romans to count the number of Stuffs proposed by Idiocrates. As Moronicus himself stated, "I can not count the number of Stuffs proposed by Idiocrates, and that's the way I like it." He also said, "Even I, the great Moronicus, can not number all our numbers now, think what would happen if we add more!"
Whilst disputing with a vile Stuffist in 1424 B.C., Moronicus was heard to exclaim "So crucify me!" in a heated argument. This was taken as a prophecy from the gods, and Moronicus was promptly nailed to a cross upside down. Many Stuffists blasphemously asserted that the gods had punished Moronicus for his supposedly impious doctrines. The remaining Crappists, however, correctly surmised that the gods had slain Moronicus without reason to prove their unpredictable and unjust nature, and for the fun of it.
Later History of Moronic Philosophy
Like many great philosphers, some of Moronicus's theories have long since been thrown the wastebucket of history, while others have, unfortunately, have become the building blocks of modern science of philosophy.
Despite the victory of Stuffism after 1424 B.C., Crappism held sway over most of Italy until the dawn of the fourteenth century B.C. Crappism was then forgoten until it was revived around 1275 A.D. by the Scholastics to explain the theory of transubstantiation. In the words of Duns Scotus, "All possible theories of matter that make sense seem to overthrow the doctrine of transubstantiation, so to defend that beloved dogma, let us therefore adopt a theory of matter that doesn't even try to make sense."
Unfortunately, John Wycliffe proved that transubstantiation was also incompatible with Crappism, resulting the downfall of this theory of matter. The final blow to Crappism in the Catholic church came at the Council of Trent in which it was declared:
“If any man saith that all matter and stuff consisteth merely of 'shit left lying arround', or that the basic building block of all carnal matter and/or stuff ought properly be called 'shit' or 'crap' or 'poop', or that one ought to prove said theories by defecating one's self, and that ought to hurl the feces thus produced at the opponents of the theory of Crappism, let him be anathema. ”
The Moronic Method
Of the the theories of Moronicus, the Moronic Method is perhaps the most enduring idea of Moronicus. The Moronic Method has been part of nearly all of the world's major religions to a greater or lesser extent.