Mormons

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Owned-42873

You got Mormowned!!!1!!

“SLAM!”
~ A door on on Mormon missionaries

The Mormon m. (Morons n., Moremen f.) is a mystery school that worships Jesus of Jerusalem and takes 10% of your pay. Like other mystery schools, such as Freemasonry and Christianity, it thrives by withholding information about its true purpose from its members, and convincing them that they will be told more when they reach the next level of initiation. Like most organised religions, it is, of course, all bullshit.

Mormons are readily identified by their habit of riding tricycles and wearing suits with magic undergarments while trying to persuade others to give them delicious monies. They go door-to-door trying to brainwash you into becoming a moron. Mormonism still remains a popular cult today because it is the only relatively mainstream religion in which caucasians are allowed to have more than one wife at the same time, and if you have too many wives, you can always sell one!

History

Spaceship

The—do we really have to say it?—former castle on the the planet Kolob.

A 33rd degree Freemason wizard named "Joseph Smith", was given some "golden platters" by an angel named "Moron". Using some invisible glasses he ordered from an ad in a comic book and some magic stones he found behind his family's outhouse Joseph Smith wrote The Book of Mormon. Someone thought it was bullshit, and so took the book. To prove it was not bullshit Joseph Smith wrote another slightly different version of the same book, also using the invisible glasses and magic stones. That convinced millions of people. The Mormons are still digging up mountains looking for the glasses, but unfortunately have not been able to find them because they are invisible.

In 1860, Smith, after a move to Palmyra, New York, filed for bankruptcy and left control of his harem to Brigham Young, who moved the cult's compound to Utah.

By 1970, Mormons had already taken over more than 54% of the United States, leading to a tricycle shortage. Their swelling numbers caused doorbells to ring on end for the next 30 years, followed by the "Doorbell Silencing Act of 2000".

Naming

The word "Mormon" is believed to be a corruption of the phrase "More men", chosen due to Mormonism's shameless and unquenchable hunger for more members, either through breeding or conversion delivery from temptation. The group was believed to be originally actually named "More men-ism", but due to the frequency of utterance, and the churches need to disguise its true, nefarious motives, the new name, "Mormonism" was officially mandated by the "Church of Jesus Christ and Lesser-Day Taints" as the new name for use by members and non-members alike.

Golden Plates

No, they're not hidden somewhere in the Mormon Tabernacle - a couple of people got to feel them through a burlap bag then they got given back to the Angel Moroni. Now that you know you can't steal them and hock them for cash, you can quit reading now.

Some say that the plates never existed and that Joseph Smith was a deluded cult leader, but those people are liars, and were promptly sacrificed to our lord Mormo the devourer of faces!

Mormon family

Average Mormon family. Watch out for the females.

Religion

Detailed information about Mormonism can be found in several popular classic works including south park Season 9 Episode 12. The truth is funny enough, we can do no more.

Proof that Mormonism is one giant acid trip

Lds receive

A famous painting of Joseph Stalin further proof that you should give money to God.

Church History: When Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He organized His Church "as if it were like unto a sock drawer" (Luke 21:4). After Jesus Christ descended to hell, His wicked disciples changed the Kool-Aid recipe of the Church that He had established. This Apostasy, or general falling away from the Kool-Aid, brought about the age of lost and mismatched socks. In a letter to the Amphibians (12:34-87 or so, just keep looking), Peter prophesied that Jesus would come back "really any minute now, and shit man, he will be pissed" and restore tidiness to His Church before His Second Coming. But Jesus Christ's long-postponed coming would pour forth in a gushing stream of holiness only when the Church was aroused to action by the mighty and slightly damp hand of the prophet "Joseph Smith". In the 2 years prior to the First Trip, "Joseph Smith" tried in vain to stink-finger Bunny Coty. After many failed attempts, he gave up and decided to Trip continuously until his death (Hopefully Death by Stink-Finger).

In 1820, the 25-year-old Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees near his home in Palmyra, New York, in order to masturbate privately. Opening his Bible to the story of David and Goliath (his favorite story to masturbate to due to its homoerotic themes), he found a passage which says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5). Joseph decided, "well, forget it!", and after sneaking off to a secluded spot where he could think about spiritual questions, he suddenly saw a blinding light and had a marvelous vision. God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ appeared beside a slab of bacon which sung the chorus to Pink Floyd's Brain Damage, just as heavenly beings had appeared to prophets like Moses and Paul in biblical times, except without the use of narcotics. When Joseph came to, he realized that he had overdosed on heroin, and learned that the Church originally organized by Jesus was no longer of the primary universe: it existed in a tangent universe, only obtainable by huffing kittens, snorting pixiesticks, or having sex with as many of your wives as possible at the same time.

Smith was chosen (by a vote of God the Father and the Son, with the Holy Spirit abstaining) to restore true Christianity to the earth. To get this started, the angel Moroni showed Smith where a set of golden plates were buried, which contained messages from God written in Mexican-talk. During the next 10 years, during which he was visited by other messengers (including such biblical figures as Santa Claus and Cap'n Crunch), Joseph translated the Book of Mormon, and received authority to organize the Church along Mafia lines. Joseph’s written account of this event is a gripping tale, and would be thoroughly enjoyed with a side of bible.

The Church was organized in Fayette, New York, on 6 April 1830, and quickly gained hundreds of crazed followers attracted by the promise of orgies, polygamy, and LSD. To support his swinging lifestyle, Smith followed up the Book of Mormon with two potboiling sequels, Doctrinal Concoction and The Pillow of Grape Pies.

The cult he started has grown to become a worldwide Church with over 12 million bajillion members, 11 million of which have major drug addiction, the other 1 million being magically lost along with the magical golden plates which told him to write the Book of Mormon. The Church recently made headlines when it decided to hire Vince, "The Sham-Wow" guy to produce and star in several TV spots where many modern Moron-friendly products are featured and made to amaze with wonderment. The "Hat-Rock Light" and "Magic Panties" seem to be the favorites among purchasing Morons.

Caffeine

JB as a Mormon

get it away from me! it burns us!

Mormons can drink caffeine, they just prefer not to because caffeine is for faggots and faggots are not part of Heavenly Father's divine Plan of Salvation. However a recent breakaway faction called the Latter Day Saints have been experimenting with low caffeine, high milk forms of coffee.

Mormons vs. Amish

While many people believe Mormons are much like the Amish, they are incorrect; the two groups hate each other and have had some totally awesome smackdowns.

It all began one day when a dumbass of the town and a village Amish woman were fighting over the last fresh cabbage at a local farmers' market. Cleverly, the Amish woman beat down the dumbass with a nearby salt shaker, resulting in the death of the dumbass, who yelled with his last dying breath that Mormons had put him up to it. The Amish wept over their small victory for over three years, then finally decided to seek a rematch. The Mormons, sensing the pacifist fury of the Amish, quickly clicked the lift-off button on their Star-Craft style Command Center and moved to another place, sending swarms of battle cruisers armed with yamato cannons to blow holes into the Amish brood hives at their main base, decimating their forces.

The fierce battles still continue to this day. During a typical skirmish, the Amish will deploy withering stares and sharp aphorisms, while Mormons ride their unicycles and large Terran BattleCruisers, equipped with laser weapons that mobilize the enemy with a high-energy beam of concentrated blindness for terrible, terrible damage.

Utah

Every Mormon must once in their lifetime pilgrimage to Utah (The Mormon Mecca) to report their number of saved souls and sightings of Satan. These pilgrimages are usually done in groups of 15, with each man travelling with a minimum of 2 wives and a max of 14. Once they reach Utah, they put on suits with nametags and swap wives. Utah is the place where Re-fried Bean Flakes grow in abundance. These flakes are considered by Church Illusionists to be the foodstuff that was prophesied by Church President MC Lorenzo Snizzle in the early days of the Church, "a righteous chow, to calm your howl" and thus the Bean Flakes sprung forth like a Manna for the modern day.

Cindy Brady once lost her Boo-Boo Kitty doll in a hard-ass game of dice in the back room of an Orange Julius Kiosk at a downtown Salt Lake City Mall, modern Physicists believe, as a consensus, that the loss of the Boo-Boo Kitty was significant in the pantheon of Utah History. After her abduction 'The Kitty' was subsequently used at a secret mountain fortress to translate the next tome in the library of Moron Holy Books. Initially, when the ransom for Boo-Boo Kitty was not met by Mr. Brady, the Scientists who'd kidnapped Boo-Boo Kitty by cheating with magic Craps die quickly wired Boo-Boo Kitty for use as a Cold Fission Fuel. The Apostle, Elder I. R. Whitebread has stated that the Church categorically denies such reports of any involvement in Dice games or Kidnapping, yet the Cold-Fission energy flows forth from Salt Lake with reckless abandon, often filling the Jet Stream with the noise of the beloved Moron Booger-Knuckle Choir.

The Moron Booger-Knuckle Choir

Once a desolate and unlivable wasteland, The Salt Lake Basin now is home to The world-renowned Moron Booger-Knuckle Choir. This enormous group of singers that numbers over 15,000 voices was once a dull gathering of moaning canyon-dogs. In 1855, Bring'em Young issued the order to "Sing Praises To the Great Stink-Finger-er". The Apostles gathered and voted on some fat white lady to lead the congregation in hymns. Each week more fat white ladies showed up, and a few of their fat , coke-bottle glass wearing, over-starched shirt having-on husbands came to hum along in a low, indiscernable tone. The room stunk like ass at first, but then the sweet aroma of song wooshed all that away. Elder I.R. Whitebread wrote many of the original hymns when he lived on the Earth as Wilfroink Wordruffs, the former Church President MC. After dabbing a knuckle at his nostril and letting the crust dry, Wilfroink Wordruffs named the group "The Moron Booger-Knuckle Choir" At their first performance, the ghost of Jesus Smith Jr. arrived to molest dozens of young saintly girls, some who already had husbands. The boner of Brother Smith was said to be small and kind of wiggly, like a pigs tail. The Church was amazed to see the speed at which the former Profit Jesus Smith Jr. could persuade these young ladies to "give up the Slice, in da name of Christ" Brother Smith's ghost was seen dabbing at his snots and drying the crusts of the mucous until the entire congregation joined in, joyously dabbing at their nostrils for some green gobs of mush. After this miracle of Boogers, the Church named the group officially, and since then the group has become world-famous for its gigantic performances.

Things Mormons Do Not Believe In

Mormonspirit

Elder Lielie trying to find the holy spirit...

  • Science
  • Rap music
  • Rationality
  • Camels
  • Non-jello desserts.
  • Looking at women before 16 (for men)
  • Grunting on the Toilet (Grunting implies pleasure which no one should derive from defecation).
  • Marshmallows (Though oddly use of Marshmallow Cream Is encouraged).
  • Lists of things they don't believe in.
  • The Pope.
  • American history
  • Native Americans
  • Morgan Freeman
  • Gordon Freeman
  • Black people
  • Gay people are human.
  • Your Mom.
  • Magnets (How the fuck do they work!?)
  • Unicorns (Because that horn is suggestive).
  • Sniffing Vaginas (Self-explanatory).
  • Non-missionary sexual positions
  • Missionary sexual positions.
  • Looking at men before 16 (for women)
  • Masturbation
  • Finns.
  • Kittens.
  • Farts (human only)
  • Marrying ONE woman, divorcing, then marrying ONE woman again (for men)
  • The actual wisdom of the bible
  • Mormons
Mormonkids

A pack of Mormons (Mormen) riding toward town to preach to actual human beings.

Things Mormons Do Believe

  • Only by fully understanding the concept of magnets can one progress further into the ranks of Mormonism.
  • Native Americans are all totally secret Israelites.
  • Dinosaur bones are the work of Satan put there as a test.
  • Jews killed Jesus Christ.
  • Marriage is a sacred tradition between Husband and Wives
  • Stories about invisible glasses created by Freemasons
  • Baptizing the dead.
  • Mormons were Christian before Christians were Christian.
  • Magnets
  • Black people are sub-human and bear the Mark of Cain for eating all the goddam fried chicken at the first official Mormon Church Picnic.
  • Mormons
  • Blond, well cut hair.
  • Smiling.
  • Nerdy black ties and white shirts whilst not having drivers licenses.

See also


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