Mormons

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{{Whoops|Moron}}
 
 
[[Image:Owned-42873.jpg|thumb|250px|You got Mormowned!!!1!!]]
 
[[Image:Owned-42873.jpg|thumb|250px|You got Mormowned!!!1!!]]
 
{{Q|SLAM!|A [[door]]|Mormon missionaries}}
 
{{Q|SLAM!|A [[door]]|Mormon missionaries}}
The '''Mormon''' m. (''[[Moron]]s'' n., ''Moremen'' f.) is a [[cult|mystery school]] that worships [[Jesus of Jerusalem]] and takes 10% of your pay. Like other mystery schools, such as Freemasonry and Christianity, it thrives by withholding information about its true purpose from its members, and convincing them that they will be told more when they reach the next level of initiation. Like most organised religions, it is, of course, all [[bullshit]].
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The '''Mormon''' m. (''[[Moron]]s'' n., ''Moremen'' f.) is a [[cult|mystery school]] that worships [[Jesus of Jerusalem]] and takes 10% of your pay. Like other mystery schools, such as Freemasonry and Christianity, it thrives on jello dishes, casseroles and pasteries. Unlike all other organized religions, it is, of course, The Only Correct Religion.
   
Mormons are readily identified by their habit of riding tricycles and wearing suits with magic undergarments while trying to persuade others to give them delicious monies. They go door-to-door trying to brainwash you into becoming a moron. Mormonism still remains a popular cult today because it is the only relatively mainstream religion in which caucasians are allowed to have more than one wife at the same time, and if you have too many wives, you can always sell one!
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Mormons are taught that we are all brothers and sisters in the Lord, which makes finding a mate and reproducing prolifically increasingly awkward. Mormons are readily identified by their habit of going door-to-door trying to meet new friends. Mormonism still remains popular today because there are never-ending rumors about who they are and what they believe. Seriously, who doesn't enjoy peeps talking 'bout you?! Be sure to ask those guys coming around door-to-door what's the latest ridiculous rumor about them.
   
 
==History==
 
==History==
[[Image:Spaceship.jpg|thumb|250px|The—do we really have to say it?—former castle on the the planet Kolob.]]
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[[Image:Spaceship.jpg|thumb|250px|Non sequitur photo.]]
A 33rd degree Freemason [[wizard]] named "Joseph Smith", was given some "golden platters" by an angel named "Moron". Using some invisible glasses he ordered from an ad in a comic book and some magic stones he found behind his family's outhouse Joseph Smith wrote The Book of Mormon. Someone thought it was bullshit, and so took the book. To prove it was not bullshit Joseph Smith wrote another slightly different version of the same book, also using the invisible glasses and magic stones. That convinced millions of people. The Mormons are still digging up mountains looking for the glasses, but unfortunately have not been able to find them because they are invisible.
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A 33 year old BYU coach named "Joseph Smith", was given some "golden plays" by an angel named "Moroni". Using some invisible glasses he ordered from an ad in a comic book Joseph Smith wrote a sweet playbook useful for all College sports. Someone thought it was bullshit, and took the book. To prove it was not bullshit Joseph Smith wrote another slightly different version of the same book, also using the invisible glasses. That convinced millions of people. The Mormons are still contenders in College sports and some unbelievers are still digging up mountains looking for the glasses, but unfortunately have not been able to find them because they are invisible.
   
In [[1860]], Smith, after a move to Palmyra, New York, filed for [[bankruptcy]] and left control of his harem to [[Brigham Young]], who moved the cult's compound to [[Utah]].
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In [[1860]], Smith, left control of his playbook retroactively to [[Brigham Young]], who moved the BYU teams with the Spirit in Provo [[Utah]].
   
By 1970, Mormons had already taken over more than 54% of the United States, leading to a tricycle shortage. Their swelling numbers caused doorbells to ring on end for the next 30 years, followed by the "Doorbell Silencing Act of 2000".
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By 1970, Mormons had already taken over more than 54% of the United States, leading to a tricycle and Jello shortage. Their swelling numbers caused an increase in Jello consumption leading the Gelatin bubble of 1999.
   
 
==Naming==
 
==Naming==
The word "Mormon" is believed to be a corruption of the phrase "More men", chosen due to Mormonism's shameless and unquenchable hunger for more members, either through breeding or <s>conversion</s> delivery from temptation. The group was believed to be originally actually named "More men-ism", but due to the frequency of utterance, and the churches need to disguise its true, <s>nefarious</s> motives, the new name, "Mormonism" was officially mandated by the "Church of Jesus Christ and Lesser-Day Taints" as the new name for use by members and non-members alike.
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The word "Mormon" is believed to be a corruption of the phrase "More men", chosen due to Mormonism's shameless and unquenchable hunger for more members, either through breeding or <s>conversion</s> delivery from temptation. It's actually intended as a slur. But since it references a prophet, military genius, and author of the history referred to as "The Book of Mormon" it was never offensive to those who are familiar with the liturgy. Haters gonna hate.
   
 
==Golden Plates==
 
==Golden Plates==
 
No, they're not hidden somewhere in the Mormon Tabernacle - a couple of people got to feel them through a burlap bag then they got given back to the [[Angel]] [[Moron]]i.<!---No, I didn't make the name up---> Now that you know you can't steal them and hock them for [[cash]], you can quit reading now.
 
No, they're not hidden somewhere in the Mormon Tabernacle - a couple of people got to feel them through a burlap bag then they got given back to the [[Angel]] [[Moron]]i.<!---No, I didn't make the name up---> Now that you know you can't steal them and hock them for [[cash]], you can quit reading now.
   
Some say that the plates never existed and that Joseph Smith was a deluded cult leader, but those people are liars, and were promptly sacrificed to our lord Mormo the devourer of faces!
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Some say that the plates never existed and that Joseph Smith was a deluded cult leader, but those people are liars!
   
[[Image:Mormon family.jpg|left|thumb|250px|Average Mormon family. Watch out for the females.]]
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[[Image:Mormon family.jpg|left|thumb|250px|Rich Mormons]]
   
==Religion==
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==Proof of concept==
Detailed information about Mormonism can be found in several popular classic works including south park [http://watchseries.eu/episode/south_park_s9_e12-8788.html Season 9 Episode 12]. The truth is funny enough, we can do no more.
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[[Image:Lds_receive.jpg|right|frame|A famous painting of Joseph Smith.]]
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[[History|Church History]]: When Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He organized His Church "as if it were like unto a sock drawer" (Luke 21:4). After Jesus Christ descended to hell, His wicked disciples changed the Jello recipe of the Church that He had established. This Apostasy, or general falling away from the Jello, brought about the age of lost and mismatched socks. In a letter to the Amphibians (12:34-87 or so, just keep looking), Peter prophesied that Jesus would come back "really any minute now, and shit man, He will be peeved" and restore tidiness to His Church. But Jesus Christ's long-postponed coming would pour forth in a gushing stream of holiness ''only'' when BYU wins a National title.
   
==Proof that Mormonism is one giant acid trip==
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In 1820, the 25-year-old Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees near his home in Palmyra, New York, in order to consider geomagnetic polar shift and he was distracted by thoughts on religion. Opening his Bible to the story of David and Goliath (his favorite story not related to geomagnetic polar shift), he found a passage which says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5). Joseph decided, "well, forget it!", and after sneaking off to a secluded spot where he could ponder the petty rivalries within the Christians, he suddenly saw a [[bong|blinding light]] and had a marvelous [[joint|vision]]. God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ appeared beside a slab of bacon, just as heavenly beings had appeared to prophets like Moses and Paul in biblical times. When Joseph came to, he realized that he would never use [[heroin]], and learned that the Church originally organized by Jesus was no longer consuming Jello products.
[[Image:Lds_receive.jpg|right|frame|A famous painting of [[Joseph Stalin]] further proof that you should give money to God.]]
 
[[History|Church History]]: When Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He organized His Church "as if it were like unto a sock drawer" (Luke 21:4). After Jesus Christ descended to hell, His wicked disciples changed the Kool-Aid recipe of the Church that He had established. This Apostasy, or general falling away from the Kool-Aid, brought about the age of lost and mismatched socks. In a letter to the Amphibians (12:34-87 or so, just keep looking), Peter prophesied that Jesus would come back "really any minute now, and shit man, he will be pissed" and restore tidiness to His Church before His Second [[Orgasm|Coming]]. But Jesus Christ's long-postponed coming would pour forth in a gushing stream of holiness ''only'' when the Church was aroused to action by the mighty and slightly damp hand of the prophet "Joseph Smith". In the 2 years prior to the First Trip, "Joseph Smith" tried in vain to stink-finger Bunny Coty. After many failed attempts, he gave up and decided to Trip continuously until his death (Hopefully Death by Stink-Finger).
 
 
In 1820, the 25-year-old Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees near his home in Palmyra, New York, in order to [[masturbate]] privately. Opening his Bible to the story of David and Goliath (his favorite story to masturbate to due to its [[homoerotic]] themes), he found a passage which says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5). Joseph decided, "well, forget it!", and after sneaking off to a secluded spot where he could think about [[tits|spiritual questions]], he suddenly saw a [[bong|blinding light]] and had a marvelous [[joint|vision]]. God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ appeared beside a slab of bacon which sung the chorus to [[Pink Floyd]]'s ''Brain Damage'', just as heavenly beings had appeared to prophets like Moses and Paul in biblical times, except without the use of [[narcotics]]. When Joseph came to, he realized that he had overdosed on [[heroin]], and learned that the Church originally organized by Jesus was no longer of the primary universe: it existed in a tangent universe, only obtainable by [[Kitten Huffing|huffing kittens]], snorting pixiesticks, or having [[sex]] with as many of your wives as possible at the same time.
 
 
 
Smith was chosen (by a vote of God the Father and the Son, with the Holy Spirit abstaining) to restore ''true'' Christianity to the earth. To get this started, the angel Moroni showed Smith where a set of golden plates were buried, which contained messages from God written in Mexican-talk. During the next 10 years, during which he was visited by other messengers (including such biblical figures as [[Santa Claus]] and [[Cap'n Crunch]]), Joseph translated the Book of Mormon, and received authority to organize the Church along [[Mafia]] lines. Joseph’s written account of this event is a gripping tale, and would be thoroughly enjoyed with a side of [[bible]].
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Smith was chosen (by a vote of God the Father and the Son, with the Holy Spirit abstaining) to restore ''true'' Christianity, with Jello, to the earth. To get this started, the angel Moroni showed Smith where a set of golden plates and Jello recipes were buried. Joseph translated the Book of Mormon, and received authority to organize the Church. Joseph’s Jello recipes are still legendary.
   
The Church was organized in Fayette, New York, on 6 April 1830, and quickly gained hundreds of crazed followers attracted by the promise of [[orgy|orgies]], polygamy, and LSD. To support his swinging lifestyle, Smith followed up the ''Book of Mormon'' with two potboiling sequels, ''Doctrinal Concoction'' and ''The Pillow of Grape Pies''.
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The Church was organized in Fayette, New York, on 6 April 1830, and quickly gained hundreds of followers attracted by the prospects of Jello embellishments. To support his Gelatin lifestyle, Smith encouraged others to try the new recipes for themselves.
   
The cult he started has grown to become a worldwide Church with over 12 million bajillion members, 11 million of which have major drug addiction, the other 1 million being magically lost along with the magical ''golden plates'' which told him to write the ''Book of Mormon''. The Church recently made headlines when it decided to hire Vince, "The Sham-Wow" guy to produce and star in several TV spots where many modern Moron-friendly products are featured and made to amaze with wonderment. The "Hat-Rock Light" and "Magic Panties" seem to be the favorites among purchasing Morons.
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Now a worldwide Church with over 14 million bajillion members, 11 million of which have major Jello or pastry addiction. The Church recently made headlines when it decided to hire Vince, "The Sham-Wow" guy to produce and star in several TV spots where many modern Jello friendly products are featured and made to amaze with wonderment.
   
 
==Caffeine==
 
==Caffeine==
[[Image:JB as a Mormon.jpg|right|thumb|250px|get it away from me! it burns us!]]
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[[Image:JB as a Mormon.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Unbridled Enthusiasm!]]
   
Mormons can drink caffeine, they just prefer not to because caffeine is for [[faggots]] and faggots are not part of Heavenly Father's divine Plan of Salvation. However a recent breakaway faction called the [[Latte|Latter Day Saints]] have been experimenting with low caffeine, high milk forms of coffee.
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Mormons can drink caffeine, they just prefer not to because caffeine is for followers and they prefer to be leaders. However a recent breakaway faction called the [[Latte|Latte Day Saints]] have been experimenting with viewing images of low caffeine, high milk forms of coffee.
   
 
== Mormons vs. Amish==
 
== Mormons vs. Amish==
While many people believe Mormons are much like the [[Amish]], they are incorrect; the two groups hate each other and have had some totally awesome smackdowns.
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While many people believe Mormons are much like the [[Amish]], they are incorrect. Amish always win in the beard growing contests and Mormons will not dispute this.
   
It all began one day when a dumbass of the town and a village Amish woman were fighting over the last fresh cabbage at a local farmers' market. Cleverly, the Amish woman beat down the dumbass with a nearby salt shaker, resulting in the death of the dumbass, who yelled with his last dying breath that Mormons had put him up to it. The Amish wept over their small victory for over three years, then finally decided to seek a rematch. The Mormons, sensing the pacifist fury of the Amish, quickly clicked the lift-off button on their Star-Craft style Command Center and moved to another place, sending swarms of battle cruisers armed with yamato cannons to blow holes into the Amish brood hives at their main base, decimating their forces.
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It all began one day when a bearded youth of the town and a village Amish woman were fighting over the last fresh cabbage at a local farmers' market. Cleverly, the Amish woman beat down the bearded youth with a nearby salt shaker, resulting in the youth being exposed as a beard faker. The Amish rejoyced over their small victory for over three years, then finally decided to seek a rematch. The Mormons, sensing the pacifist fury of the Amish, conceded quickly.
   
The fierce battles still continue to this day. During a typical skirmish, the Amish will deploy withering stares and sharp aphorisms, while Mormons ride their unicycles and large Terran BattleCruisers, equipped with [[laser]] weapons that mobilize the enemy with a high-energy beam of concentrated blindness for terrible, terrible damage.
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The lack of fierce battles continues to this day. During a typical skirmish, the Amish will avoid eye contact and harshly shun, while Mormons will use pretend curses like: flippin', fetch, oh snap, what the smack, crud, fiddlesticks, oh heavenly days, oh my heavens, geez, whoops, crapola, fudge, frickin, blast, doggone it, for petes sake, for cryin' out loud, golly, and oh sugar.
   
 
==Utah==
 
==Utah==
Every Mormon must once in their lifetime pilgrimage to [[Utah]] (The Mormon Mecca) to report their number of saved souls and sightings of Satan. These pilgrimages are usually done in groups of 15, with each man travelling with a minimum of 2 wives and a max of 14. Once they reach Utah, they put on suits with nametags and swap wives.
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[[Image:Mormonkids.jpg|thumb|left|250px|A pack of Mormon tricyclists looking to make friends.]]
Utah is the place where Re-fried Bean Flakes grow in abundance. These flakes are considered by Church Illusionists to be the foodstuff that was prophesied by Church President MC Lorenzo Snizzle in the early days of the Church, "a righteous chow, to calm your howl" and thus the Bean Flakes sprung forth like a Manna for the modern day.
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Every Mormon must once in their lifetime discuss at length the tentative possibility of a pilgrimage to [[Utah]] (The Mormon Mecca). But, usually opt instead to share that they believe in Jesus Christ and can enjoy Jello anywhere. When these pilgrimages do occur, they require a minimum of 2 coolers full of healthy snacks. Once they reach Utah, they reconnect with friends and visit historical sites.
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Utah is the place where Re-fried Bean Flakes grow in abundance. These flakes are considered by Church Publicists to be the foodstuff that was prophesied by Church President MC Lorenzo Snizzle in the early days of the Church, "a righteous chow, to calm your howl" and thus the Bean Flakes sprung forth like a Manna for the modern day. This is seen as an attempt to distract believers from their Jello consumption.
Cindy Brady once lost her Boo-Boo Kitty doll in a hard-ass game of dice in the back room of an Orange Julius Kiosk at a downtown Salt Lake City Mall, modern Physicists believe, as a consensus, that the loss of the Boo-Boo Kitty was significant in the pantheon of Utah History. After her abduction 'The Kitty' was subsequently used at a secret mountain fortress to translate the next tome in the library of Moron Holy Books. Initially, when the ransom for Boo-Boo Kitty was not met by Mr. Brady, the Scientists who'd kidnapped Boo-Boo Kitty by cheating with magic Craps die quickly wired Boo-Boo Kitty for use as a Cold Fission Fuel. The Apostle, [[Elder I. R. Whitebread]] has stated that the Church categorically denies such reports of any involvement in Dice games or Kidnapping, yet the Cold-Fission energy flows forth from Salt Lake with reckless abandon, often filling the Jet Stream with the noise of the beloved Moron Booger-Knuckle Choir.
 
 
== The Moron Booger-Knuckle Choir ==
 
Once a desolate and unlivable wasteland, The Salt Lake Basin now is home to The world-renowned Moron Booger-Knuckle Choir. This enormous group of singers that numbers over 15,000 voices was once a dull gathering of moaning canyon-dogs. In 1855, Bring'em Young issued the order to "Sing Praises To the Great Stink-Finger-er". The Apostles gathered and voted on some fat white lady to lead the congregation in hymns. Each week more fat white ladies showed up, and a few of their fat , coke-bottle glass wearing, over-starched shirt having-on husbands came to hum along in a low, indiscernable tone. The room stunk like ass at first, but then the sweet aroma of song wooshed all that away.
 
Elder I.R. Whitebread wrote many of the original hymns when he lived on the Earth as Wilfroink Wordruffs, the former Church President MC.
 
After dabbing a knuckle at his nostril and letting the crust dry, Wilfroink Wordruffs named the group "The Moron Booger-Knuckle Choir"
 
At their first performance, the ghost of Jesus Smith Jr. arrived to molest dozens of young saintly girls, some who already had husbands. The boner of Brother Smith was said to be small and kind of wiggly, like a pigs tail. The Church was amazed to see the speed at which the former Profit Jesus Smith Jr. could persuade these young ladies to "give up the Slice, in da name of Christ" Brother Smith's ghost was seen dabbing at his snots and drying the crusts of the mucous until the entire congregation joined in, joyously dabbing at their nostrils for some green gobs of mush. After this miracle of Boogers, the Church named the group officially, and since then the group has become world-famous for its gigantic performances.
 
   
==Things Mormons Do Not Believe In==
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Cindy Brady once lost her Boo-Boo Kitty doll in a hard-ass game of dice in the back room of an Orange Julius Kiosk at a downtown Salt Lake City Mall, modern Physicists believe, as a consensus, that the loss of the Boo-Boo Kitty was significant in the pantheon of Utah History. Initially, when the ransom for Boo-Boo Kitty was not met by Mr. Brady, the Scientists who'd kidnapped Boo-Boo Kitty by cheating with magic Craps die quickly wired Boo-Boo Kitty for use as a Cold Fission Fuel. The Apostle, [[Elder I. R. Whitebread]] has stated that the Church categorically denies such reports of any involvement in Dice games or Kidnapping, yet the Cold-Fission energy flows forth from Salt Lake with reckless abandon, often filling the Jet Stream with the noise of the beloved MoTab Choir.
[[Image:Mormonspirit.jpg|thumb| Elder Lielie trying to find the holy spirit...]]
 
*Science
 
*Rap music
 
*Rationality
 
*Camels
 
*Non-[[jello]] desserts.
 
*Looking at women before 16 (for men)
 
*Grunting on the Toilet (Grunting implies pleasure which no one should derive from defecation).
 
*Marshmallows (Though oddly use of Marshmallow Cream Is encouraged).
 
*Lists of things they don't believe in.
 
*The Pope.
 
*American history
 
*[[Native Americans]]
 
*Morgan Freeman
 
*Gordon Freeman
 
*Black people
 
*Gay people are human.
 
*Your Mom.
 
*Magnets (How the fuck do they work!?)
 
*Unicorns (Because that horn is suggestive).
 
*Sniffing Vaginas (Self-explanatory).
 
*Non-missionary sexual positions
 
*Missionary sexual positions.
 
*Looking at men before 16 (for women)
 
*Masturbation
 
*Finns.
 
*Kittens.
 
*Farts (human only)
 
*Marrying ONE woman, divorcing, then marrying ONE woman again (for men)
 
*The actual wisdom of the bible
 
*Mormons
 
[[Image:Mormonkids.jpg|thumb|250px|A pack of Mormons (Mormen) riding toward town to preach to actual human beings.]]
 
   
== Things Mormons Do Believe==
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== The MoTab Choir ==
* Only by fully understanding the concept of magnets can one progress further into the ranks of Mormonism.
+
[[Image:Mormonspirit.jpg|thumb| Shout out to Mormon Scientists]]
* [[Native Americans]] are all totally secret [[Israelites]].
+
Once a desolate and unlivable wasteland, The Salt Lake Basin now is home to The world-renowned MoTab Choir. This enormous group of singers that numbers over 15,000 voices was once a dull gathering of moaning canyon-dogs. In 1855, Bring'em Young issued the order to earn the title America's Choir which they finally accomplished via President Ronald Reagan. The Apostles gathered and voted on some fat white lady to lead the congregation in hymns. Each week more fat white ladies showed up, and a few of their fat , coke-bottle glass wearing, over-starched shirt having-on husbands came to hum along in a low, indiscernable tone. The room stunk like elderberries at first, but then the sweet aroma of song wooshed all that away.
* Dinosaur bones are the work of Satan put there as a test.
+
Elder I.R. Whitebread, the former Church MC, wrote many of the original hymns.
* Jews killed Jesus Christ.
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Because of his epically large ears he was voted best hearing and named the group "The MoTab Choir"
* Marriage is a sacred tradition between Husband and Wives
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At their first performance, Mr. Krueger arrived. The Church was amazed to see how Mr. Krueger rocked the house until the entire congregation joined in, joyously singing and shunning superlatives. After this miracle, the Church named the group officially MoTab, and since then the group has become world-famous for its gigantic performances.
* Stories about invisible glasses created by Freemasons
 
* Baptizing the dead.
 
* Mormons were Christian before Christians were Christian.
 
* Magnets
 
* Black people are sub-human and bear the Mark of Cain for eating all the goddam fried chicken at the first official Mormon Church Picnic.
 
* Mormons
 
* Blond, well cut hair.
 
* Smiling.
 
* Nerdy black ties and white shirts whilst not having drivers licenses.
 
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
*[[Joseph Smith]]
 
 
*[[Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints]]
 
*[[Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints]]
*[[Jehovah's Witnesses]]
 
*[[Seventh-day Adventists]]
 
*[[Westboro Baptist Church]]
 
 
*[[Amish]]
 
*[[Amish]]
*[[Bat fuck insane]]
 
{{Race}}
 
 
[[Category:Historical figures]]
 
[[Category:Historical figures]]
 
[[Category:Religion]]
 
[[Category:Religion]]
 
[[Category:Utah]]
 
[[Category:Utah]]
[[Category:Human-like Aliens]]
 
   
 
[[eo:mormonismo]]
 
[[eo:mormonismo]]
 
[[es:Mormones]]
 
[[es:Mormones]]
  +
[[it:Mormonismo]]
  +
[[pl:Kościół Jezusa Chrystusa Świętych Dni Ostatnich]]
 
[[pt:Mormon]]
 
[[pt:Mormon]]
[[pl:Mormoni]]
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[[zh:摩尔门教]]

Latest revision as of 15:04, November 16, 2014

Owned-42873

You got Mormowned!!!1!!

“SLAM!”
~ A door on Mormon missionaries

The Mormon m. (Morons n., Moremen f.) is a mystery school that worships Jesus of Jerusalem and takes 10% of your pay. Like other mystery schools, such as Freemasonry and Christianity, it thrives on jello dishes, casseroles and pasteries. Unlike all other organized religions, it is, of course, The Only Correct Religion.

Mormons are taught that we are all brothers and sisters in the Lord, which makes finding a mate and reproducing prolifically increasingly awkward. Mormons are readily identified by their habit of going door-to-door trying to meet new friends. Mormonism still remains popular today because there are never-ending rumors about who they are and what they believe. Seriously, who doesn't enjoy peeps talking 'bout you?! Be sure to ask those guys coming around door-to-door what's the latest ridiculous rumor about them.

edit History

Spaceship

Non sequitur photo.

A 33 year old BYU coach named "Joseph Smith", was given some "golden plays" by an angel named "Moroni". Using some invisible glasses he ordered from an ad in a comic book Joseph Smith wrote a sweet playbook useful for all College sports. Someone thought it was bullshit, and took the book. To prove it was not bullshit Joseph Smith wrote another slightly different version of the same book, also using the invisible glasses. That convinced millions of people. The Mormons are still contenders in College sports and some unbelievers are still digging up mountains looking for the glasses, but unfortunately have not been able to find them because they are invisible.

In 1860, Smith, left control of his playbook retroactively to Brigham Young, who moved the BYU teams with the Spirit in Provo Utah.

By 1970, Mormons had already taken over more than 54% of the United States, leading to a tricycle and Jello shortage. Their swelling numbers caused an increase in Jello consumption leading the Gelatin bubble of 1999.

edit Naming

The word "Mormon" is believed to be a corruption of the phrase "More men", chosen due to Mormonism's shameless and unquenchable hunger for more members, either through breeding or conversion delivery from temptation. It's actually intended as a slur. But since it references a prophet, military genius, and author of the history referred to as "The Book of Mormon" it was never offensive to those who are familiar with the liturgy. Haters gonna hate.

edit Golden Plates

No, they're not hidden somewhere in the Mormon Tabernacle - a couple of people got to feel them through a burlap bag then they got given back to the Angel Moroni. Now that you know you can't steal them and hock them for cash, you can quit reading now.

Some say that the plates never existed and that Joseph Smith was a deluded cult leader, but those people are liars!

Mormon family

Rich Mormons

edit Proof of concept

Lds receive

A famous painting of Joseph Smith.

Church History: When Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He organized His Church "as if it were like unto a sock drawer" (Luke 21:4). After Jesus Christ descended to hell, His wicked disciples changed the Jello recipe of the Church that He had established. This Apostasy, or general falling away from the Jello, brought about the age of lost and mismatched socks. In a letter to the Amphibians (12:34-87 or so, just keep looking), Peter prophesied that Jesus would come back "really any minute now, and shit man, He will be peeved" and restore tidiness to His Church. But Jesus Christ's long-postponed coming would pour forth in a gushing stream of holiness only when BYU wins a National title.

In 1820, the 25-year-old Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees near his home in Palmyra, New York, in order to consider geomagnetic polar shift and he was distracted by thoughts on religion. Opening his Bible to the story of David and Goliath (his favorite story not related to geomagnetic polar shift), he found a passage which says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5). Joseph decided, "well, forget it!", and after sneaking off to a secluded spot where he could ponder the petty rivalries within the Christians, he suddenly saw a blinding light and had a marvelous vision. God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ appeared beside a slab of bacon, just as heavenly beings had appeared to prophets like Moses and Paul in biblical times. When Joseph came to, he realized that he would never use heroin, and learned that the Church originally organized by Jesus was no longer consuming Jello products.

Smith was chosen (by a vote of God the Father and the Son, with the Holy Spirit abstaining) to restore true Christianity, with Jello, to the earth. To get this started, the angel Moroni showed Smith where a set of golden plates and Jello recipes were buried. Joseph translated the Book of Mormon, and received authority to organize the Church. Joseph’s Jello recipes are still legendary.

The Church was organized in Fayette, New York, on 6 April 1830, and quickly gained hundreds of followers attracted by the prospects of Jello embellishments. To support his Gelatin lifestyle, Smith encouraged others to try the new recipes for themselves.

Now a worldwide Church with over 14 million bajillion members, 11 million of which have major Jello or pastry addiction. The Church recently made headlines when it decided to hire Vince, "The Sham-Wow" guy to produce and star in several TV spots where many modern Jello friendly products are featured and made to amaze with wonderment.

edit Caffeine

JB as a Mormon

Unbridled Enthusiasm!

Mormons can drink caffeine, they just prefer not to because caffeine is for followers and they prefer to be leaders. However a recent breakaway faction called the Latte Day Saints have been experimenting with viewing images of low caffeine, high milk forms of coffee.

edit Mormons vs. Amish

While many people believe Mormons are much like the Amish, they are incorrect. Amish always win in the beard growing contests and Mormons will not dispute this.

It all began one day when a bearded youth of the town and a village Amish woman were fighting over the last fresh cabbage at a local farmers' market. Cleverly, the Amish woman beat down the bearded youth with a nearby salt shaker, resulting in the youth being exposed as a beard faker. The Amish rejoyced over their small victory for over three years, then finally decided to seek a rematch. The Mormons, sensing the pacifist fury of the Amish, conceded quickly.

The lack of fierce battles continues to this day. During a typical skirmish, the Amish will avoid eye contact and harshly shun, while Mormons will use pretend curses like: flippin', fetch, oh snap, what the smack, crud, fiddlesticks, oh heavenly days, oh my heavens, geez, whoops, crapola, fudge, frickin, blast, doggone it, for petes sake, for cryin' out loud, golly, and oh sugar.

edit Utah

Mormonkids

A pack of Mormon tricyclists looking to make friends.

Every Mormon must once in their lifetime discuss at length the tentative possibility of a pilgrimage to Utah (The Mormon Mecca). But, usually opt instead to share that they believe in Jesus Christ and can enjoy Jello anywhere. When these pilgrimages do occur, they require a minimum of 2 coolers full of healthy snacks. Once they reach Utah, they reconnect with friends and visit historical sites. Utah is the place where Re-fried Bean Flakes grow in abundance. These flakes are considered by Church Publicists to be the foodstuff that was prophesied by Church President MC Lorenzo Snizzle in the early days of the Church, "a righteous chow, to calm your howl" and thus the Bean Flakes sprung forth like a Manna for the modern day. This is seen as an attempt to distract believers from their Jello consumption.

Cindy Brady once lost her Boo-Boo Kitty doll in a hard-ass game of dice in the back room of an Orange Julius Kiosk at a downtown Salt Lake City Mall, modern Physicists believe, as a consensus, that the loss of the Boo-Boo Kitty was significant in the pantheon of Utah History. Initially, when the ransom for Boo-Boo Kitty was not met by Mr. Brady, the Scientists who'd kidnapped Boo-Boo Kitty by cheating with magic Craps die quickly wired Boo-Boo Kitty for use as a Cold Fission Fuel. The Apostle, Elder I. R. Whitebread has stated that the Church categorically denies such reports of any involvement in Dice games or Kidnapping, yet the Cold-Fission energy flows forth from Salt Lake with reckless abandon, often filling the Jet Stream with the noise of the beloved MoTab Choir.

edit The MoTab Choir

Mormonspirit

Shout out to Mormon Scientists

Once a desolate and unlivable wasteland, The Salt Lake Basin now is home to The world-renowned MoTab Choir. This enormous group of singers that numbers over 15,000 voices was once a dull gathering of moaning canyon-dogs. In 1855, Bring'em Young issued the order to earn the title America's Choir which they finally accomplished via President Ronald Reagan. The Apostles gathered and voted on some fat white lady to lead the congregation in hymns. Each week more fat white ladies showed up, and a few of their fat , coke-bottle glass wearing, over-starched shirt having-on husbands came to hum along in a low, indiscernable tone. The room stunk like elderberries at first, but then the sweet aroma of song wooshed all that away. Elder I.R. Whitebread, the former Church MC, wrote many of the original hymns. Because of his epically large ears he was voted best hearing and named the group "The MoTab Choir" At their first performance, Mr. Krueger arrived. The Church was amazed to see how Mr. Krueger rocked the house until the entire congregation joined in, joyously singing and shunning superlatives. After this miracle, the Church named the group officially MoTab, and since then the group has become world-famous for its gigantic performances.

edit See also

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