Mormons
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“SLAM!”
The Mormon m. (Morons n., Moremen f.) is a mystery school that worships Jesus of Jerusalem and takes %10 of your pay. Like other mystery schools such as Freemasonry and Christianity it thrives by withholding information about its true purpose from its members, and convincing them that they will be told more when they reach the next level of initiation. Like most organised religions it is of course all bullshit.
Mormons are readily identified by their habit of riding tricycles and wearing suits while trying to persuade others to give them %10 of their pay, while trying to convert you into one of them. Mormonism still remains a popular today because it is the only relatively mainstream religion in which caucasians are allowed to have more than one wife at the same time, and if you have too many wifes, you can always sell one!
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edit History
A 33rd degree Freemason named "Joseph Smith", was given some "golden platters" by an angel named "Moron". Using some invisible glasses, and invisible stones Joseph Smith wrote The Book of Mormon. Someone thought it was bullshit, and so took the book. To prove it was not bullshit Joseph Smith wrote another slightly different version of the same book, also using the invisible glasses, and invisible stones. That convinced millions of people. The Mormons are still digging up mountains looking for the glasses, but unfortunately have not been able to find them because they are invisible.
In 1860, Smith, after a move to Palmyra, New York, filed for bankruptcy and left control of his harem to Brigham Young, who moved the cult's compound to Utah.
By 1970, Mormons had already taken over more than 54% of the United States, leading to a tricycle shortage. Their swelling numbers caused doorbells to ring on end for the next 30 years, followed by the "Doorbell Silencing Act of 2000".
edit Naming
The word "Mormon" is believed to be a corruption of the phrase "More men", chosen due to Mormonism's shameless and unquenchable hunger for more members, either through breeding or conversion delivery from temptation. The group was believed to be originally actually named "More men-ism", but due to the frequency of utterance, and the churches need to disguise its true, nefarious motives, the new name, "Mormonism" was officially mandated by the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-Day Saints as the new name for use by members and non-members alike.
edit Golden Plates
No, they're not hidden somewhere in the Mormon Tabernacle - a couple of people got to feel them through a burlap bag then they got given back to the Angel Moroni. Now that you know you can't steal them and hock them for cash, you can quit reading now.
Some say that the plates never existed and that Joseph Smith was a deluded cult leader, but those people are liars, and were promptly sacrificed to our lord Mormo the devourer of faces!
edit Religion
Detailed information about Mormonism can be found in several popular classic works including south park Season 9 Episode 12. The truth is funny enough, we can do no more.
edit Proof that Mormonism is one giant acid trip
Church History: When Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He organized His Church "as if it were like unto a sock drawer" (Luke 21:4). After Jesus Christ descended to heaven, His wicked disciples changed the Kool-Aid recipe of the Church that He had established. This Apostasy, or general falling away from the Kool-Aid, brought about the age of lost and mismatched socks. In a letter to the Amphibians (12:34-87 or so, just keep looking), Peter prophesied that Jesus would come back "really any minute now" to restore tidiness to His Church before His Second Coming. But Jesus Christ's long-postponed coming would pour forth in a gushing stream of holiness only when the Church was aroused to action by the mighty hand of the prophet "Joseph Smith".
In 1820, the 25-year-old Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees near his home in Palmyra, New York, and prayed to learn which church he should join. Opening his Bible, he found a passage which says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5). Joseph decided, "well, forget it!", and after sneaking off to a secluded spot where he could think about spiritual questions, he suddenly saw a blinding light and had a marvellous vision. God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ appeared beside a slab of bacon which sung the chorus to Pink Floyd's Brain Damage, just as heavenly beings had appeared to prophets like Moses and Paul in biblical times, except without the use of narcotics. When Joseph came to, he realized that he had overdosed on heroin, and learned that the Church originally organized by Jesus was no longer of the primary universe: it existed in a tangent universe, only obtainable by huffing kittens, snorting pixisticks, or having sex with as many of your wives as possible at the same time.
Smith was chosen (by a vote of God the Father and the Son, with the Holy Spirit abstaining) to restore true Christianity to the earth. To get this started, the angel Moroni showed Smith where a set of golden plates were buried, which contained messages from God written in pidgin Egyptian. During the next 10 years, during which he was visited by other messengers, Joseph translated the Book of Mormon, and received authority to organize the Church along Mafia lines. Joseph’s written account of this event is a gripping tale, and would be thoroughly enjoyed with a side of bible.
The Church was organized in Fayette, New York, on 6 April 1830, and quickly gained hundreds of crazed followers attracted by the promise of orgies, polygamy, and LSD. To support his swinging lifestyle, Smith followed up the Book of Mormon with two potboiling sequels, Doctrinal Concoction and The Pillow of Grape Pies.
The cult he started has grown to become a worldwide Church with over 12 million members, 11 million of which have major drug addiction, the other 1 million being magically lost along with the magical golden plates which told him to write the Book of Mormon.
edit Caffeine
Mormon's can drink caffine, they just prefer not to because even though it's awesome for giving you energy, and it's really healthy to put fake energy into your body. However a recent breakaway faction called the Latter Day Saints have been experimenting with low caffeine, high milk forms of coffee.
edit Mormons vs. Amish
While many people believe Mormons are much like the Amish, they are incorrect; the two groups hate each other and have had some totally awesome smackdowns.
It all began one day when a dumbass of the town and a village Amish woman were fighting over the last fresh cabbage at a local farmers' market. Cleverly, the Amish woman beat down the dumbass with a nearby salt shaker, resulting in the death of the dumbass, who yelled with his last dying breath that Mormons had put him up to it. The Amish wept over their small victory for over three years, then finally decided to seek a rematch. The Mormons, sensing the pacifist fury of the Amish, quickly clicked the lift-off button on their Star-Craft style Command Center and moved to another place, sending swarms of battle cruisers armed with yamato cannons to blow holes into the Amish brood hives at their main base, decimating their forces.
The fierce battles still continue to this day. During a typical skirmish, the Amish will deploy withering stares and sharp aphorisms, while Mormons ride their unicycles and large Terran BattleCruisers, equipped with laser weapons that mobilize the enemy with a high-energy beam of concentrated blindness for terrible, terrible damage.
edit Utah
Every Mormon must once in their lifetime pilgrimage to Utah (The Mormon Mecca) to report their number of saved souls and sightings of Satan. These pilgrimages are usually done in groups of 15, with each man travelling with a minimum of 2 wives and a max of 14. Once they reach Utah, they put on suits with nametags and swap wives.
edit Things Mormons Do Not Believe In
- Science
- Rap music
- Rationality
- Camels
- Looking at women before 16 (for men)
- runting on the Toilet (Grunting implies pleasure which no one should derive from defecation).
- Marshmallows (Though oddly use of Marshmallow Cream Is encouraged).
- Lists of things they don't believe in.
- The Pope.
- Morgan Freeman
- Gordon Freeman
- Black people
- Gay people are human.
- Your Mom.
- Magnets (How the fuck do they work!?)
- Unicorns (Because that horn is suggestive).
- Sniffing Vaginas (Self-explanatory).
- Non-missionary sexual positions
- Missionary sexual positions.
- Looking at men before 16 (for women)
- Masturbation
- Finns.
- Kittens.
- Farts (human only)
- Marrying ONE woman, divorcing, then marrying ONE woman again (for men)
- The actual wisdom of the bible
- Mormons
edit Things Mormons Do Believe
- Only by fully understanding the concept of magnets can one progress further into the ranks of Mormonism.
- Dinosaur bones are the work of Satan put there as a test.
- Jews killed Jesus Christ.
- Marriage is a sacred tradition between Husband and Wives
- Stories about invisible glasses created by Freemasons
- Baptising the dead.
- Magnets
- Mormons
edit See also
- Joseph Smith
- Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- Seventh-day Adventists
- Westboro Baptist Church
- Amish
- Bat fuck insane
