Mooshido

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“Damn, them cows are some deep-ass motherfuckers”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cow Philosophers
“They need to wear bras in public”
~ Bonnie J. Dow on Bovine Bra Awareness Moo-vement,
“Cow!”
~ Pope Benedict III on the proper way to refer to a woman
“Moo, Moo Moooo mooo MOOOO!”
~ Elsie D'Cow on udder implants

Samurai cow

Elsie, a practitioner of the Mooshido Code, in full combat regalia, protesting unregulated machine milking.

Mooshido, literally translated "Way of the Cow," or by its most ardent devotees as "The most glorious and divine Way of the Cow" developed in Wisconsin between the Pabst and Heinekin Ages (19th-20th century). It was a code and way of life for the Bovine order, a class of warriors similar to the medieval knights of Europe, except there is quite a lot more mooing. Mooshido was influenced by equal parts of grazing and cud chewing. Once properly milked, the Mooshido practitioner is often served in a light Bernaise sauce. The Mooshido code puts emphasis on loyalty, self sacrifice, refined manners, purity, modesty, frugality, honor, warm hands for milking, and being served medium rare wherever possible.


edit Mooshido Values

The Mooshido practitioner depends primarily on self control, stoicism, and proper herd blending to provide the very best meat and milk possible. They show no sign of pain or joy, as they generally put one off ones milk production. They only allow themselves to show true passions by the light of the moon, and then only when tipped or when discussing the benefits of hand milking over machine milking.

edit Doctrinal Development

The factors which make up Mooshido were few and appear simple. However simple Mooshido may appear from an external perspective, it nevertheless created a way of life that was to nourish a nation through its most troubling times, through the 1960's, despair, uncertainty and mad cow disease. The wholesome unsophisticated nature of Mooshido allowed a nation to derive ample food for their spirit from a sheaf of commonplace and fragmentary teachings, gleaned as it were on the pastures and cow paths of the American Midwest, and, stimulated by the demands of the age formed from these gleanings a new and unique way of life".

edit Source Documents

Unfortunately, no original documentation of the Mooshido code survived the 1960's, as a rolling paper shortage prompted a human, oblivious to the intricacies of the written Bovinish language, to use the original documents to burn his hemp crop. A few remnants initially remained once his hemp supply ran out, as before the original documents were used in their entirety, the man in question became a speed freak.

Further unfortunately however, he started producing LSD and would ultimately use the remnants of the code as blotter paper.

edit Anatomical Complications

Further complicating matters in communicating between Mooshido practitioners and humans, is that the majority of the Bovinish spoken language cannot be understood by anyone with less than four stomachs. This is due to the extremely high and low frequencies that most of the data is transmitted. Quite literally, humans are not built to properly communicate with them, and are of the opinion that they would prefer not to talk with what they prefer to believe are stupid animals. Nothing could be further from the truth. Anyone that has actually spent the afternoon in deep conversation with a cow, knows that they understand all too well, the deep and majestic secrets of our universe, and are quite willing to share their wisdom with us.

edit Mooshido Reductionism

From the scraps of original knowledge that had been left behind orally, it is clear that there is nothing at all simple about the Bovine species. It would appear that the Bovine is actually a species that exists in multiple dimensions, and appears in the lower dimensions (such as humans inhabit) only as a projection. The reason for being stuck in these lower dimensions seems to be related to a punishment for excessive flatulence in the higher dimensions, caused as a natural but unfortunate byproduct of an obscure religious rite.

The Bovine species is, therefore, only present in human consciousness as a result of a rather extreme form of religious intolerance. All freedom loving humanity therefore should express their desire to free this species from bondage immediately, by slaughtering and barbecuing these lower form projections, preferably serving them with some form of fermented grain. Only in this way are the Bovines returned to their higher nature.

edit See Also


Preceded by:
Pabst Era
Really Bad Acid Trip
Green Period
Succeeded by:
Heineken Era
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