Montreal

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“My muse is the 500 phallic nukes of this wondrous island”
~ Oscar Wilde on upon examining the nuclear arsenal of the Montreal Really, really, really gay community

“One island, one city... One big shit.”
~ Jean Drapeau trying to remember the city's name.
“For the LAST TIME, the mountain's name is not Real, it's Royal!”
~ Gerald Tremblay on Montreal.
“Ma, Mon'real, what a great city for business!”
~ Tony Acurso on Montreal.
CanaWTF

Typical scene in Montreal

Montreal is a city is located in the province of Quebec and contains about about half of Quebec's population. Without Montreal, Quebec would become Timbuktu, and without Quebec, Montreal would become Royalmount. Also without Quebec, Canada would be culture-less. It is a known fact that west of hull, Canadiens usually think they're american.

edit History

The island of Montreal was accidentally stumbled upon by some citizens of the Quebec City colony that headed up the St-Lawerence River hoping to score some contraband cigarettes from the locals. The venture’s decided that the island would be a choice location for another colony and set up shop immediately. They were able to survive on the island with the aid of the local native Iroquois tribes that provided food and shelter throughout difficult periods. The colonists were kind enough to repay the native tribes by introducing them to alcohol, influenza, genital warts and syphilis.

The city was given various names under French rule, including: Hochelaga, Villa Maria, Mount Real, Mount Royal, Mount Doom and Monterey. The island of Montreal takes on the shape of a huge penis with a protruding overgrown left testicle but this attribute was surprisingly never the inspiration for the city's name at any time though out its history.

To promote cultural cohesion within the colonies all assimilated subjects of the French crown were forced to maintain French as the official language, keep close ties with the unified Catholic church, and be proud of their French heritage. When the English General Wolf won Quebec for Britain by defeating the French General Montcalm on the Plains of Abraham, Montreal was transferred to English rule. The British crown did not enforce cultural or religious integrationism since no one is good enough to be English except for the English.

Montreal3

Political Divisions of Montreal

edit Politics

Montreal, has a democratically elected city council and seats can be held by any member of the community as long as they belong to an organized crime family, biker gang or own a construction company whose contracts are awarded by the city. Montreal is divided into burroughs that are maintained by lower ranking officials who siphon taxpayer money into endless construction projects that have to be re-done almost immediately after completion. The city also runs an extremely effective Parking Ticket racket to maintain infrastructure such as the Montreal Olympic Statium, the Turcotte Autoroute Exchanger and other feats of engineering that should never have been conceived much less built.

edit Crime

There is little to no crime in Montreal since the sheer size and frequency of potholes that plague the city's roads make it nearly impossible to maintain correct aim during drive-by shootings. Crime is also kept to a minimum in the winter time since no swinging dick can stand to be outside for more than five minutes in the sub-arctic climate, and if a crime is committed a hasty exit is often prevented by icy sidewalks, greatly reducing the probability of car-jackings, muggings, or other forms of outdoor violence.

With all the traffic in the town due to never-stopping roadwork, it is nearly impossible to drive somewhere in less then an hour and less then two tickets per 100km and killing less then three road workers.

In Montreal, the policemen are the ones committing the crimes. They've given up on trying to tame the Montreal drivers so their job mainly consists of picking out civilians from a crowd (preferably immigrants) and shooting them on sight.

edit Economy

With 15 different universities, the island has the largest prostitute-to-student(p/s) ratio in the world - just slightly ahead of Las Vegas and Berkeley. Beer and Poutine are the major agricultural exports and contraband tobacco is the major import. Industrial exports include university drop-outs, bagels, stupid video games, comic book inkers and good hockey players from the Montreal Canadiens.

edit Climate

The climate is tolerable for about two months of the year when the temperature hits a maximum of about 25 C 40 C sometime around July, but it feels more like 75 C with the relative humidity approaching 200 per cent. An average temperature of -100 C is observed for the remaining ten months of the year thus freezing solid any living creature that attempts to step outside during this time. By January one meter of ice blankets the entire island and Montrealers begin to experience three months of total darkness; these factors make Montreal the most hospitable locale west of Newfoundland.

Montreal is so cold that all the citizens live in igloos just like everyone else in Canada.

Spring and fall are 3 and 7 days long respectively. It is not unusual to swim in your pool by late October and skate on it the next day. The upside is that nothing poisonous, creepy crawly, or gross can survive this climate so that Montreal can be considered phobic friendly. The freakin bears are another matter....

Climate data for Montreal, Canada (1971-2000)
Month Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec Year
Average high °C (°F) −25
(−13)
−21
(−6)
−5
(23)
0
(32)
15
(59)
25
(77)
35
(95)
29
(84)
17
(63)
4
(39)
−3
(27)
−19
(−2)

(39.8)
Average low °C (°F) −40
(−40)
−36
(−33)
−20
(−4)
−15
(5)
0
(32)
20
(68)
30
(86)
24
(75)
2
(36)
−11
(12)
−18
(0)
−34
(−29)

(17.3)
Precipitation mm (inches) 79
(3.11)
83
(3.27)
89
(3.5)
99
(3.9)
159
(6.26)
294
(11.57)
312
(12.28)
288
(11.34)
160
(6.3)
65
(2.56)
70
(2.76)
54
(2.13)
1,752
(68.98)
Snowfall cm (inches) 999
(393.3)
999
(393.3)
555
(218.5)
333
(131.1)
0
(0)
0
(0)
0
(0)
0
(0)
0
(0)
222
(87.4)
444
(174.8)
888
(349.6)
4,440
(1,748)
humidity 31 35 67 60 88 100 100 100 91 69 44 55 70
Avg. snowy days 31 28 31 15 0 0 0 0 0 10 30 31 176
[citation needed]

edit People

Montreal is known to be Canada's unrivaled Hipster capital, and possibly for the entire America. This fact has been observed through several socio-economic studies that revealed most young Montrealers spend more than 2/3 of their paychecks on shiny clothing and mundane house parties where sexual abuse and overall stupid comments, plagued with self-hatred and depression, are the other common denominators.

Regardless of this angle, people of Montreal (en: Montrealer, fr: Montréalais, normals: Not-in-Reality-ers) are composed of three classes (mainly by first or/and preferred domestic, national or international language):

  • French identifiable by their crude language and religious devotion toward the Flying Spaghetti Monster and their accent that sucks so much that you could die in front of them.
  • Englishmen who only stay because they are so very, very, very, very drunk and they party all night.
  • Immigrants who do all the work and get nothing in return but always fuck the french people.

Due to the somewhat hard climate, the Montrealers have built a massive tunnel system, which is 89.4% cooler than Lompoc retarded skyways. The population, upon seeing the coming winter, will instinctively burrow into the many burrow holes (potholes) and hibernate for six months, awaking only to buy more alcohol or to have sex.

Obesity, on the other hand is low, constant shivering from the cold = lotsa calories burned. By the end of winter, most natives have dropped 95% of their body mass, minimum. Immigrants who do all the work and get nothing in return, but marry young fat french rejected girls to get Canadian citizenship.

Usually children ride polar bears to go to school, somehow parents having experienced Le Grand Verglas back in 1998 prefer ski-doos because they can stay under a meter of ice without dying.

edit Women

Montreal has a worldwide reputation for both its strong feminist/lesbian scene and its stunning variety of weak-minded club hotties. For these reasons, most strong, intelligent straight men who do not work in organized crime will leave the city before they turn thirty. An interesting side-effect of this cock-drain is that there are approximately 4 females to every 1 male in the heterosexual community. As a result of competition, the remaining men have an inflated sense of sexual and marital worth, when really they are washed-up drunks who can often be found playing in shitty bands until they start an after-hours bar at the age of 45.

edit Culture, Society and all that

During the summer month, the Montrealers will play various games during the three month reprieve, to numb the pain of their lives. Such games include:

  • The Neverendum: a event held irregularly every four to six years: where a few men and women (supposedly) sober up and propose the island should separate from North America and be transported to the Netherlands. They hold a referendum, where religious figures extol their followers to vote on one side or another. Passions flare, as the Netherlandists will try to rig the vote by adopting Floridian voting systems; and North Americanists will transport millions of North Americans to make it physically impossible to lift the island into the sky for transit. Soon, all sides will agree to talk it over beer, and are frozen solid by the January storms.
  • Street Racing: Montrealers will divide into two teams; drivers and pedestrians. Each group has it own game. Drivers will beat each other to the finish line, even if said racers are going toward different directions. Points are awarded for avoiding burrow holes, hitting pedestrians, and breaking as many laws as possible. Pedestrians try to avoid Drivers, and crossing streets at all different manner except at crosswalks. Winners get every one else to pay for their beers. The sports event was eventually deemed unappropriate by the Montreal Sports Committee, for being too close to daily real-life.

Interestingly enough, the only thing Montreal is really famous for in any context outside Canada is that it is the location of the discovery of Boyd's Law in 1921 by Nathaniel Boyd, an American Physicist who often became extremely drunk in Montreal when all of the other cities across North America had run out of alcohol. Boyd was in attendance of a particularly good party by Canadian standards when he began to postulate his law, which is also known as the Law of Alcoholic Effect. Most Montrealers assume the discovery had something to do with them and usually take most of the credit for its discovery.

edit Neighbourhoods

Oscar Wilde Pub Montreal

Oscar Wilde Pub, Montreal. Home away from home of that certain Uncyclopedic icon

  • Cote-des-Neiges -- A neighborhood full of FoB's (Fresh off the boat). The best place to get butter chicken in Montreal. A neighborhood where people mostly speak Bengali, Jamaican and Vietnamese. Do not hang around in the neighborhood if you're white.
  • The Plateau -- is the only place to live... if you are English, hipster, and between the ages of 17 and 25.
  • Westmount -- Primary Fortress of the last of the vampires, conservatives. This part of town is full of rich, English-speaking people who look down upon the the poor French workers, the way it should be.
  • Town of Mount Royal -- A gated community consisting of old people and children. Or at least on Halloween it is. Second best only to Westmount.
  • Saint-Laurent-- English-speakers (those dirty bastards), blacks and any other immigrant. Here's a tip, don't go to the Cote Vertu metro stop at night, unless you want to be harassed by a bunch of browns and blacks.
  • West Island -- Speak mostly English, a language worth a stoning in a large part of Quebec.
  • Laval -- Nominally independent palindrome puppet state of Montreal. Now has a mall and contains 2 sushi shops per resident. Vast land full of wangsta wearing purple and driving a pimped honda civic. "450 POWER bitch" is their motto.
  • Longueuil -- main toxic waste dump of Montreal. Birthplace of the mullet.
  • Mont-Royal -- Inspired by the concept of elephant cemeteries, Lawrence Ferlinghetti once jerked off on this sacred indian burial ground, giving birth to a massive immigration of old hippies gathering before their death. Ceremonial satanic ritual drums can be heard all across the district on Sundays, opposing the church bells with non-violent rhythmic resistance and tofu lamb sacrifices.
  • NDG -- Referred to as "the ghetto" by it's younger, "badass" residents, even though nobody's ever been shot and they all meet for coffee on weekends in their gentrified overpriced coffeeshops.
  • Really, really, really gay community -- centered around an exact replica of Oscar Wilde's genitals, and home to the gay conspiracy
  • Nuns Island -- home to all the banks and lawyers, since 1986, a fortified island. A horny nun lives there, which guides many misleaded tourists to meet her fierce horn as she rams them senseless.
  • Verdun -- a large, maze-like structure created in 2923 BC by pixies for unknown reasons, because since they left, the place was pretty much left as a ghetto. The layout of the maze makes it impossible to escape once inside. It has been proved that, while it is hypothetically possible to escape, no human being has ever done so yet. During the night, robojunkies roam the maze to eat the werewolves that are very common in the area. In the middle of the maze, we can find the V-TOWNotaure, an half buck/half human creature eating 70 of the famous hoes of Wellington street each year. If you follow the "fil d'Ariane" to escape you, arrive in Ville-Émard, which the exact copy of Verdun but on the other side of a river, called the Styx. (CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE!?)
  • Lasalle -- Lasalle is full of fake Guidos and Guidettes (Otherwise knows as Italians) The streets were made of people that didn't like straight streets. In winter you will mostly see residents of Lasalle wearing Canada Goose jackets and Uggs.
  • Pointe St. Charles -- Like some cities in Brazil, Verdun has a run down shanty town called Pointe St. Charles, or as its citizens like to say "La Pointe La". With no grocery store anywhere near by, the residents have adapted by feeding on the brains of all the yuppies who work at the Nordelec Fortress, and as such have turned into foul mouthed Quebecois Zombi.
  • Lachine -- Shit hole. Made after a man who believed China was just west of Ottawa. Populated by mostly francophone militants, but ruled by their richer, english counterparts, therefor, the burrough is constantly at war with itself.
  • East End --RDP's old name was Foxx-Ville We were forced to change it after sooo many people moved there in search if young attractive females. (which wasn't  hard at all. Finding these foxxes, was like fishing on Atlantic coast in the 1600's before the overfishing era, you always got a tremendously rewarding catch!
  • Rive-Sud -- Known as Roi Heenok's ghetto. Watch yourself.
  • St-Leonard -- Located on the north-eastern part of the island. Previously under the rule of Leonardo Da Vinci, who recently had a shrine named after him in the heart of the "ville", it was taken over by Joe Espresso and Tony Cappuccino. Inhabitated by italian canadians with serious road-rage and too-tight shirts, St-Leonard is also home to about 25,000 bars and cafes, all fully equipped with gambling machinery and "billiardini" tables. It has recently been taken over by North African French Muslims who are trying to impose their will and customs: holding your girlfriend's hand in the street is now legitimate reason for a public stoning, in accordance to the newly imposed Sharia law; if riding your bike near Ladauversière park, a pack of adolescent Moroccan / Algerian / Tunisian boys will likely attempt to take it from you (by force); currently, approximately 240 commerces along Jean-Talon Street have squiggly writing that must be read from right to left.
  • Brossard -- a.k.a Chinatown #2. Geographically a suburb of Montreal but in reality it's a special administrative region under communist rule by China. This area boasts the highest number of residents with Asian ancestry in all of Quebec. Due the the latter, visitors are highly advised to not approach any minivan as most of them are operated by mid-age Asian women lacking the proper skills to operate a motor vehicle.
  • Saint-Hubert -- The place where they found Pierre Laporte's dead body (after being murdered by Caribbean immigrants), and the home of the famous Saint-Hubert chicken restaurant. Coincidence?
  • Weird-Island -- An island 250 miles west of Downtown full of fucking frenchmen who regularly sees Tiger Woods and Vincent Lecavalier as they were their pastor.

All of Montreal -- Francophone patriots want to push the foreigner out of their town, just like they did to the Anglophones. In order to keep this tradition alive, many Francophones congregate on St-Denis street to participate in a weekly running of the "maudits anglais," in which an Anglophone, chosen at random, is chased by a large crowd of Québécois yielding sticks and torches.

“My muse is the 500 phallic nukes of this wondrous island”
~ Oscar Wilde on upon examining the nuclear arsenal of the Montreal Really, really, really gay community

A neighborhood in the eastern portion of the Greater Toronto Area, Montreal is a semi-habitable island, located in the semi-independent realm of Quebec. Formerly known as Mount Doom, the island with its volcanic mountain (highest elevation, 6000 m) is famous for being the headquarters of most conspiracies on Earth. The mountain, with its large nuclear silos hides a massive system of underground tunnels which serve as perfect plotting place. The Black Watch continue to occupy the city; A small armed rebel group called the "Coward Toads" is believed to be hiding somewhere in the eastern part of the city.

Montreal3

Political Divisions of Montreal

edit Famous landmarks in no particular order

  • The Volcano -- the centrepiece of the land and perhaps its greatest legend. Only the bravest venture up these slopes, for they are rumoured to be inhabited by wandering minstrels, hippies, angry hobos, alcoholic college students, and rifts in the space-time continuum. Visions have been reported at the peak, their forms ranging from an unending battle of mideaval knights to a detailed portrait of Che Guevara. The reports of religious imagery looming over the city have been found to be mere hoaxes.
  • Big Owe (a.k.a. Big Oh-Oh, Spaghetti-os!) -- former home of the best 1976 Summer Olympics outside of Toronto, and the Montreal Expos. Now houses the world's only male abortion clinic.
  • McGill University -- A five-star community college. Also one of the top ten Canadian universities for partying as mentionned by Playboy magazine. Send your kids there. Shatner was one of the party-goers. There's a building named after him.
  • Dis-Concordia International Prison -- prison for political prisoners (#6). Riots are a common event; be advised.
  • Blvd. President-Kennedy, so-called because John F. Kennedy first got ran over by some French chick on the street.
  • St. Lawrence Seaway -- Allowing ships to get away faster.
  • The Metro -- connects the various tunnels and burrow holes of island. The Metro in Montreal is not a traditional train; rather, the cars have tires. This is because the entire system consists of the remnants of long-lost bus routes, buried under layer after layer of snow years ago. Currently, Metro officials have done a 10 trillion dollar extension to Laval and the Montreal colony of New Orleans, to beat Boston as the leader of useless and expensive public works projects.
  • Pierre Elliot Trudeau International Airport -- main gateway for visitors to the island. They are welcomed by casino playing Christians, crack dealers and Ed Gauthier.
  • Mirabel International Airport -- main gateway for visitors to Newfoundland. Rumored to house a secret underground space launchpad designed to mine the moon for the cheese needed for poutine.
  • Lachine Canal -- Until 1943, was a body of water. Since reclassified as a solution consisting mainly of methyl alcohol, sulphuric compounds and methane. Was used by astrobiologist to study the possibility of life on Venus, Io and Calgary. Samples of the composition of the canal have been sold to Saddam Hussein for use in chemical warfare :o!
  • The Rene Levesque golem
  • Anus Shops -- a site of greatest industrial power in the whole world, ruled and run by Indian tribe chiefs, was sold in 1993 to some old lady, owner of burlesque houses. Today it is the world's biggest sex shop line headquarters, its production being exported through CN railroad to such countries as Vatican and Groenland.

edit Famous Montrealers

Quebecgirls

Montreal has the highest babes per capita rating of any city on Earth.

  • Jordan Katz The founder of the world, who was most recognized when he stabbed a cat made out of popcorn.
  • Zac Johnston Leader of the FLQ, is most notably known for having an affair with Pierre Elliot Trudeau.
  • Pierre Elliot Trudeau The world's greatest lover. He was also Canada's only notable Prime Minister and single handily ensured that both French-Canadians will be assimilated and that sodomy would no longer be deemed illegal.
  • Sauron
  • Oscar Wilde, Seigneur of Montreal emeritus
  • lost leg of Lucien Bouchard, religious figure (the leg, not the man)
  • Lord Borg, tree fetishist who got elected by mistake.
  • William Shatner (some things just don't need to be fake to be funny)
  • Our Lady Peace calls Montreal their second home.
  • A Piece of Our Lady-A stripper/hooker on St. Catherine Street.
  • Jimi Hendrix, or his look alike, known for providing proper animation on and near the volcano, especially during drumming ceremonies.
  • Steve Nash basketball player and international terrorist
  • Lili St. Cyr famous debauched 20's stripper
  • Roi Heenok Local bad-ass.
  • Captain Benjamin P. Lamberton who discovered the Bermuda Square and the Bermuda Square Islands
  • Simple Plan leaders of the whiny emo cult

Anne-Marie Losique

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