Montenegro
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: Power to the People | |||||
| Anthem: O-noes, 'noes! | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | iPodgorica | ||||
| Largest city | Studentski grad oh beograda (Student City of Belgrad) | ||||
| Official languages | all | ||||
| Government | Repeditive bad luck | ||||
| President - Prime Minister - Owner | Rambo Amadeus V.B. Eskobar | ||||
| National Hero(es) | David Banner, Snoop Dogg, Jay Ramadanovski and Jay Z, 50-cent, Fat Joe and Šćepan Šćekić, Mr.Cipela | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Śutra | ||||
| Currency | Everything except Dinar | ||||
| Religion | Lijenost, Cigar Smuggling, Fixing Eurosong Results | ||||
| Population | 127, abroad 300 MIL (including Russians) | ||||
Montenegro is a nation of rich heritage, and a tragic history of oppression and degradation. Occupied mercilessly by Serbia, Italy, Goblins, Austria and Turkey since the 1100's (which is largely considered to be their own fault on the grounds that they are black), the nation recently achieved its freedom after an arduous foreign civil rights movement led to prima noctae rights for Montenegroe aristocrats and eventual secession.
Contents |
[edit] Geography and borders
Montenegro borders Serbia, Albania, Bosnia-Herzegovina, and Croatia. The border with Croatia is closed on Sundays, Croatian catholics refuse to work on the holy day. But a pact signed in 1961 by Slobodan Milosevic and Sylvester Stallone insured that once Yugoslavia broke up, a gang of 6ft6ins Montenegrins with dark beards would guard the borders of Montenegro to prevent Montenegrins from leaving, and Croats from entering. Eventually, the Croats would fly to Tirana in Albania on a Sunday to go to Montenegro, then travel over the border. Milosevic forgot to seal the border with the Albanians, another reason Kosovo filled up with Albanians (more on Kosovo). Montenegro also has embassies in most of the world's countries, therefore it borders just about every country, even the Vatican. The many mountain ranges that dog the countryside include some of the most rugged and aggressive terrain in Europe, including the Darkie Mountains, where falling rocks often mug intruders and steal their goods. The expansive coastline proved suitable for the construction of many seaports and quickly became a trading hub for Montenegro slaves. Montenegro has more gay people than you can shake your willy at!
[edit] History
[edit] The Turks
When the Turks approached Montenegro, they realized one problem: Mountains, very many of them.So they employed superman and spiderman and the hulk to move the mountains, but they ended yp having a super-threesome. Accustomed to the smooth rolling plains of Serbia, Bosnia and Northern Croatia, the Turks were not prepared to take on this wild and as they assumed, uninhabited land. From which ever route they advanced upon Montenegro, they realized there were Mountains, very tall and steep ones. Instead of wasting their time, the Turks went to Serbia and Bosnia, where people of low self esteem and spirit resided, impregnating the women and forcing all the men to convert to Islam. The Turks were also in a way afraid of them. Since the Montenegros really had no connection to the outside world, except ofcourse to Serbia and Southern Italy (again, not the most reliable countries), they were kind of wild and uncultivated people. When Turks would scander through towns and villages in the backward country, all kinds of Montenegros would jump out from bushes, trees, hills and attack without mercy assuming they were the enemy.
[edit] The Italians
The Italians mainly stayed along the coast, since it happened to be least populated by these uneducated folk. Rarely did Italians make the treck to the old royal capital, Cetinje, the current capital, Podgorica, or god forbid, the Philadelphia of Montenegro, Niksic. The Italians knew that beyond the mountains sat wild, fun loving and odd characters known as the Montenegros. The Italians who lived along the coast were terribly afraid of the montenegrins, especially the ones who associated with the Albanians south of the border. The italians had originally been driven out of Italy by the Albanians and now feared they would be driven out of Montenegro aswell. They were a bunch of whimps with blow outs, (and still are). In fact, Italians are actually more black than the Montenegroids.
[edit] Slave Trade Ends
The British Empire ruled that the slave trade be ended in 1808, and enforced this with its powerful navy. While Serbia and Montenegro shared a land route with each other, as they had infact shipped slaves out to sea before returning them to their starting location, the Montenegro slave trade had been effectively ended.
[edit] 1984 Olympics
In the 1984 Summer Olympics, held in Sarajevo, for the first time Montenegros were allowed on to the nations team. While bitterly contested by the Serbian public, the leaders gave in to mounting pressure from the international community. Nonetheless, they re-assured their nation that the Montenegros would have little effect on the outcome of the Olympics, and that they were fully prepared to continue their dominance against rival Albania. But in a surprising turn of events, the Montenegros proved more athletic than originally thought, and defeated leading Serbian athletes for Gold and Bronze. In a pivotal moment at the awards ceremony, two Montenegros delivered the "Black Power" sign that had risen to prominence among oppressed Montenegros. This angered the Serbian government, who then went on to crack down on Montenegro in genocidal acts, for which nobody cared.
[edit] Collapse of Serbia's Colonial Empire
.JPG)
Serbia's iron grip on its colonies began to falter in the late 1980's, and colonies one by one began declaring independence, leading to the Yugoslav wars. Unable to keep the colonies by force, they were largely abandoned by the late 1990's. Montenegro, however, remained under Serbian control due to its strategic significance. But using the example set by other breakaway republics, Civil Rights leaders such as David Banner organized both peaceful protests such as sit-ins, and bloody fire fights throughout the ghettos of Montenegro. Wanted both for his articulate and convincing critiques of Serbia's domestic policies, and for being a serial killer, he evaded capture and led his movement to greater heights. But it was perhaps his untimely end at the hands of the Serbs that caused the largest uproar in the late 1990's.
By 2003, Serbia (confused about whether it was itself or Kosovo) gave Montenegro increased freedom in hopes of satiating their need, however in the end it only tempted them to push harder. With more political freedom, Montenegro attempted to gain complete independence. While so called "unionists" put up resistance to the thought, in May 2006 the people of Montenegro voted to officially end its status as colony and become its own independent nation, with 55.4% of the vote. After about a week of partying, the people exclaimed "oh shit!" as their country fell into financial ruin.
Although this is the official explanation, truth is Montenegro decided to trash the rest of Europe in the Eurovision Song Contest. Because of this, they decided there was no way they could compete as a part of Serbia and Montenegro. The clear target for Montenegro is to take over Norway's dominance in this all-important European competition, and by this win the chairmanship in the European Council.
Another theory is that Serbia, realising that neighbouring countries tend to vote for each other in the Eurovision Song Contest, allowed Montenegro to secede on the condition that their population would cast all of their votes in favour of the Serbian entry. Proof of this is observed in the 2007 Eurovision results.
[edit] Language
The Montenegrin language is basically the same thing as the Serbian, Croatian, Bosniak and whatever other random languages sprung up from this god forsaken part of the world, known as the Balkans. The Montenegrin language is like the Serbian, just use the letter "J" (pronounced Y) as much as you can, and speak in a very rude, loud and quick manner. Serbs are known for their "homosexual" speaking methods (especially Belgradians, aka, the white peeps). Montenegrins were not down with this gay method of speaking, so they invented their own pronunciation. The most famous accent in Montenegro is known as the "Podgorički accent". The way the residents of Podgorica talk is not really the nicest way in the world. Many claim that it is the heat in the city that has caused a rude and odd way of communication. For example, a man from Podgorica would pronounce the phrase "Where are you going?" as- "Đe s' to kreeenuuo?", again in a very irritated, annoyed and fast manner. A Serb on the other hand would pronounce it more like a homosexual. Much like this-"Ma gdeeeee si too kreeeeeeeenuo?".
[edit] Culture
Another highlight of Montenegrin culture is the devotion to life affirming music such as Gangstah' Rap, which encourages healthy lifestyles and serves as a guide to the youth of the nation. Indeed, Montenegro has become the hallmark of the world for its superior socio-economic structure that many other nations attempt, and often fail to replicate.
One particular musical direction quickly emerging from the Montenegro underground is "TMNBM", or "Trve MonteNigga Black Metal", forefronted by the kvlt black metal band Iguman. Their first and only official release, the "Rogati Kopitar" demo, made a huge impact on the local music scene. With genre classics such as "Bludnice Sestre" and "Rotacija Časnog Krsta", the band immediately knew an unprecedented commercial success, remaining on the No. 1 spot for 67 weeks straight ever since the release first appeared in 2006. The demo is known to have sold more copies in a single week than Vlado Georgiev, Sergej Ćetković, No-Name and The Montenegrin Orthodox Church altogether during their respective careers.
The people of this small nation are known to be very lazy and "down". They enjoy to lay around at a beach listening to Bob Marley music, while sipping a cold brew (beer). In their actions, they happen to be very similar to southern Italians, and Greeks. The simple things they do, make this nation oddly attractive to an adventurous tourist. The yelling, the sweatiness, the quick hand motions, the anger is all devoted to this backward nation.
Montenegrins, are famous for holding the title of the "tallest people in Europe". The men lurk beyond expected normal heights, and the woman, with heels on, stand easily above 7 feet. The only nation in the world that competes with the Montenegrins' height are their African brothers, the Kenyans.
[edit] Cities
The cities have quite the odd names.
- Podgorica - Under Mountain, also it could mean Under Gorica, where Gorica is a female name.
- Nikšić - unknown, the Philadelphia of Montenegro, some recent studies have shown that name was derived from the word Not and random keyboard letters k, [, i, ', however, this yet needs to be proved.
- Žabljak - Frogdisguisting
- Bijelo Polje- White Field, first stronghold and city build by Serb colonist in Montenegro who were nostalgic for their grand city of Bijelo Grad.
- Bar- derived from the English word, bar, because Đuka Kilibarda was the first person to get an official job in the city as a bartender
- Sutomore- Havethatsea
- Petrovac- Peter's
- Pljevlja - Wheat
- Sveti Stefan- Saint Steven, an American, who claimed he was a saint moved to this small peninsula and started a hotel
- Budva- Boo! Two.
- Kotor- Derived from Cater, since the whole city used to populated by caterer's.
- Perast- Derived from Per ass, the first city in Montenegro which had decided to count their population, instigated in 2001
- Herceg Novi- Germanmisterhandbag New, New Castle, copied the famous English Soccer Club name.
- Tivat- Youwhat. Ti meaning You, and Vat is how they pronounce "what?" The city derived its name when Savo Kuljača had decided to get a job, springing up the question from his family -"Ti vat!?" (You what!?)
- Podgorica - Under Mountain, also it could mean Under Gorica, where Gorica is a female name.
- Nikšić - unknown, the Philadelphia of Montenegro, some recent studies have shown that name was derived from the word Not and random keyboard letters k, [, i, ', however, this yet needs to be proved.
- Žabljak - Frogdisguisting
- Bijelo Polje- White Field, first stronghold and city build by Serb colonist in Montenegro who were nostalgic for their grand city of Bijelo Grad.
- Bar- derived from the English word, bar, because Đuka Kilibarda was the first person to get an official job in the city as a bartender
- Sutomore- Havethatsea
- Petrovac- Peter's
- Pljevlja - Wheat
- Sveti Stefan- Saint Steven, an American, who claimed he was a saint moved to this small peninsula and started a hotel
- Budva- Boo! Two.
- Kotor- Derived from Cater, since the whole city used to populated by caterer's.
Because Montenegrins are proud and strong people, one their city equals two other non-Montenegrin cities. In order not to allow others to feel inferior, they have listed their cities twice.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
 | Socialistic Federal Republic of Yugoslavia
| ||
|
Montenegro | Bosnia and Herzegovina | Croatia | Slovenia | Serbia (Kosovo and Metohija, Vojvodina) | Macedonia | ||
