Montana

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This article is about the U.S. state. For the American singer, see Hannah Montana. For the uninhabitable wasteland, see New Zealand.


State Flower: The Satelite Dish
Official Language: Red-Neck, English, Canadian, Sioux and Drunk
Governor: Hannah Montana the First Whore, Helen Clark Representative Legislature, Helen Keller State Secretary.
State Bird: The Hairless Eagle
State Motto: Get The Fuck outta My State
State Anime: Bigfoot
Nickname: America's Wood Pointer
State Capitol: Hell on Earth pronounced Helena
State Anthem: Montana (F. Zappa)
Standard MPH while driving through town: 60 MPH
State Club: Stockman, Mint, and Two-Bit
Official Sandwich: Fried Porkchop Sandwich

Montana is a nonfictional US state named for footballer Joe Montana, who purchased it from the Cleveland Indians for $1 in 1976. Prior to that, the state had been owned by the Great Northern and Northern Pacific Railroads, the Anaconda Copper Company, the Minnesota Twins, and the Minnesota Vikings. However, Great Northern and Northern Pacific didn't want to have to share it, so they merged to form Burlington Northern, now Burlington Northern Santa Fe, also known as "Bin Nothin' Since San Francisco". With a population of 1,090,000, and a population density of around 2 people/square mile, it will, fortunately or unfortunately, reach 2,000,000 people by the 2012 census. It should be noted that the population density of cattle in Montana is around 500/square mile and that for sheep, 234/square mile, meaning that Welsh and New Caledonia, New Zealanders like it a lot. The capital of Montana is Helena. It is a home of MONGO.

In the early seventies (or maybe, the late sixties), entrepreneur Frank Zappa, later reincarnated as Donald Trump, had plans to establish a dental floss plantation in Eastern Montana and moving the entire state to the Southern United States for the cheap labor, but somehow was unable to pull it off; adequate wax supplies were not available since Montana has relatively few oil reserves, and the public was simply not ready for a dental floss product coated in wax made of cooper, wheat chaff, or cattle and sheep byproducts.

Contrary to the claims made by countless fugly bumper stickers and belt buckles, the sky in Montana is no larger than the sky over any other state.

Arbys-full

The Big Montana.

Montana

Is Montana somewhere in here?... nobody knows....

Montana has also been home to the Unabomber and a group of crazy rifle-toting rednecks (aka white freedom fighters) known as the "Enslaved and Rejected Brickmasons" who wanted to establish an independent Republican, uh REDNECK utopia on desert-like land near Jordan (in Montana, not the Middle-East, but the country around this part of Montana damn sure looks like it COULD be in the Middle East). David Koresh considered relocating to Montana, but found it, "like, too crazy, man" so he and his followers stayed in Texas, a fact that reveals all you really need to know about Montana. Elizabeth Clare Prophet, who would have founded Scientology if L. Ron Hubbard hadn't thought of it first, found the state quite to her liking, however.

JoeMontana2

The people of Montana are proud that their state shares the same name as the famed San Francisco 49ers quarterback. There really isn't anything else to be proud of.

edit Politics

For much of its history, Montana had no speed limit. This, combined with no statewide open container law and very long, empty two-lane highways, saw drunk drivers often speeding over great distances at 113 mph in Ford F150 pickups, especially over black ice in Winter, shooting rifles into the air and shooting, "Charlton Heston is MY President." Some sociologists use this fact to help explain Montana's perpetually low population. Much of this has changed, however, since guys like Ted Turner, Tom Brokaw and David Letterman have started buying ranches in Montana to use as vacation hideaways; for some reason, these guys are not amused by rednecks driving drunk at high speeds while simultaneously firing high-powered rifles. The locals, for their part, are quite unhappy at the presence of these "goddamn liberals" and their opinions on such matters: "What'll be next, gay marriage?"

Montana is fundamentally a place where "men are men, women are scarce, and sheep are nervous because the women are scarce." Honest, I was only trying to push her through the fence.

edit Education

Even though Montana claims to have high school graduates the average graduate has only a third grade reading level and cannot formulate a three syllable word. To do so would offend any native Montanan.

Sex education is the same as Arkanasas standards. The "do's and don'ts" with your sister or cousin. Also there is course that is state mandatory on how to spread STDs while blaming it on your sister or best friend.

Most Montanans claim the reason for the Fourth of July is to Party and know nothing of our forefathers becase history is optional.

Health ed teaches that bathing is optional and should only be done sometimes and never.

Many school districts will pass children and mark children present each day in order to continue state funding with out reasonable results.

edit Who lives in Montana?

  • David Letterman has a ranch where he comes every once in a while to shag fellow employees and/or plot to let his child be kidnapped.
  • The Unabomber: born and raised in the wilderness as the pride and joy of Montana.
  • Margot Kidder, Livingston Montana where she spends the rest of her days picking berries and talking to cats.
  • Steven Segal owns a ranch near Ennis where he is plots to kill Chuck Norris and take over his jokes.
  • Ted Turner and his Liberal wife Jane Fonda
  • Elizabeth Cliar Prophet where the cult followers never did see the end of world so they left. The remainder of the cult Church Universal Triumphant (C.U.T.) is betting on 2012 as a safe bet.

edit Notable people from Montana

Evel Knievel was born in Butte, Montana where at the age of twelve he jumped over the Berkly Pit (a giant toxic hole which is the largest superfund site in the United States, it is also the aspect of their town which the people of Butte are most proud of and is the reason for the towns nickname: asshole of America) on a homemade bicycle built for two.

edit Notable people with the word Montana in their name

edit See also

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