From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
July 17th 1989
Once again, Dad got wasted and God only knows where Mom is, so I was forced to make my own way home from my baseball game again tonight. It's usually not that bad. I just have to keep an eye out for the crack heads in the park, but this time was different. I was just passing that spot where they uncovered all those dead bodies when I saw a shooting star. I was watching it, and I was about to wish for world peace or some other nonsense, when the damn thing crash landed not ten feet from me! I nearly crapped my pants! As I'm standing there awestruck, this purple bird monster thing pops it's head out of the crater where the star landed. Ignoring every shred of better judgement in my body, I decided that the best course of action in this scenario would be to strike up a conversation with this thing. So I stroll right up to it and boldly say, "Who are you?" (Naturally I assumed a flying bird monster alien thing from outer space would speak English.) To my surprise, the thing tells me that his name is Bert and he has come here to enlist my help in fighting the evil monsters that have taken over his home planet. It did occur to me that this could all be an elaborate ploy by "Bert" (if that's his name) to get a 9 year old boy to follow him to some secluded area to do unspeakable things, but he had a trusting beak so I agreed to help out. Now that I think about it, why would he pick a 9 year old kid when he could have asked someone like Superman or a cop to help him. Oh well. Bert's taking me to his planet soon so I'll write more then.
July 18th 1989
So Bert took me to his home planet today. He said it's called Dark World. You would think a place called dark world would be pretty creepy, but it's actually kind of pleasant. All the trees and bricks that I have seen are smiling at me. Bert said there isn't much time for me to see the sights because I need to get to fighting those monsters ASAP. I'm still confused as to how Bert, who is three times my size and can fly, thinks that I'm going to be able to kill a bunch of monsters that he wasn't able to. My first battle was against some goth kid that appeared to be on fire. I was worried how I would do against him but fortunately for me, just like any other goth kid, he just kind of sat there brooding while I walked up and cracked him upside the head with my bat. I think I could get used to this monster slaying stuff.
July 21st 1989
Hey journal! Do I have some stuff to tell you! Bert sent me on a mission to slay the evil baddies that are controlling all the flaming goth kids. It took longer than expected, which is why I haven't written in a few days. The first "Boss" I came across was a man eating plant. I was scared shitless until the thing actually tried to attack me. Get ready for this... It shot bubbles at me! How ridiculous is that?! I have no idea why a man eating plant would opt for shooting bubbles at me instead of, Oh I don't know.... trying to eat me! Turns out all I had to do was use my bat to smack the bubbles back at the plant and it died. It was kind of like batting practice. My next battle was even stranger. Bert said I would have to fight the evil Giant Spider, so I was pretty nervous. You know that spiders creep me out. I worked up my courage and headed for the spider's lair, but when I got there, all I found was a dead T-Rex or maybe a hamburger with legs. I'm not really sure which. Want to know how I know it was dead? It told me. Seriously. This spider-dinosaur-hamburger thing tells me it's dead and even apologizes for being dead! I'm beginning to suspect that Bert may be mildly retarded. Why else would he need my help to defeat these monsters?
July 27th 1989
I'm starting to get pretty tired of fighting these so called "Evil" monsters. So far every single monster I've faced has been just some weird, misshapen thing that wouldn't last five minutes on the streets back home. Since I last wrote, I've faced off against the Great Pumpkin from the Peanuts comics (one swing of my bat to his head is all it took before we were enjoying some fresh pumpkin pie), a Giant Snake wearing a wig, and a couple of robot things that threw what I can only guess to be fried shrimp and onion rings at me. I swear, if someone just had one gun, they could rule this world in a matter of hours. How sad is it that a kid with a ball bat is absolutely destroying the worst of the worst that your planet can offer up.
On a slightly different note, I am now convinced there is something wrong with Bert. He keeps trying to get me to take these "magic pills". He says they'll make me, and I quote, "feel his power." Needless to say, I'm keeping my bat close at all times. I will not hesitate to bash his stupid bird-monster brains in. Tomorrow, Bert says I have to go to the darkest corner of Dark World to do battle with the last few remaining evil monsters. Whatever. I'm ready to go home. Compared to Bert and this messed-up planet, Dad's drunken tirades and Mom's constant whoring are a walk in the park. I'll write more when I get a chance.
July 30th 1989
I've been pretty busy fighting even more monsters lately. This is starting to get pathetic. Yesterday, I went to see Dark World Lake and it was pretty lame. I fought some skeleton fish and some tiny sharks that appeared to have giant fins strapped to them. After that, I had to "fight" a pair of zombies. Actually they just wanted somebody to watch the dance routine that they came up with then they went away on their own. Seriously. I watched them dance and then they left. I'm really starting to question the intelligence level of this entire planet. Today, the Giant Spider-dinosaur-hamburger guy that I previously found dead returned and told me he was going to suck my blood. I have to admit, I was pretty nervous. He was big alright but only had six legs. Which disqualifies him as a spider. I called him out on this small fact and he ran away. At the rate things are going, I should be supreme overlord or whatever of this planet by next Wednesday. I continue my journey into the darkest corner of Dark World tomorrow. I'll be sure to let you know how it turns out.
August 2nd 1989
I think I'm getting close to the end of my journey. I was walking through the darkest corner of Dark World when suddenly I met the Grim Reaper himself! I promptly dispatched him with a few swings from my trusty bat (even though Bert kept insisting that taking his magic pills would make the battle much easier). After that, I ended up fighting a giant Cat that threw its kittens at me! This world is crazy! A few hours later who should I run into? You guessed it, our old friend, Giant Spider-dinosaur-hamburger guy. I decided we would settle this thing once and for all. After pummeling him to death with my bat, I stood over him and yelled "Arachnids have eight legs asshole!" Then I hung out for a while just to make sure he was dead. He was. Tomorrow, Bert says we need to go to the "Sky Castle" where the last of the baddies reside. He better be right. If that isn't the end of it then I may just kill Bert. This is fun and all, but summer is winding down and I've been stuck here for nearly a month. I'm beginning to think that there is an unlimited supply of monsters spawning from God only knows where and I may be here forever. That is not an option. Wendy Vestaburn promised to let me touch her training bra when school started back up this year so I have to make it back for that. Not to mention that the entire baseball season is over. I've wasted far too much time here. I'm telling Bert he's got one more week, then I'm going home.
August 8th 1989
Went to the Sky Castle last week with Bert. Surprise, surprise, I fought more monsters. These monsters were even more ridiculous than the last. I fought some kind of mummy thing that shot bloody gauze at me (gross) and a Giant dragon. There was also a giant Pharaoh head that apparently wanted to turn me into soup (or thought that I was soup). Either way, the guy was a retard. He just crawled back and forth on the ground while I hit him in the head. I'm pretty sure they've run out of good monsters for me to fight on this planet. I'm getting fed up with this crap. Bert swears that there is only one remaining monster left. He says he's called the "Dark World Master". Seems to me like starting with the guy named Dark World Master would have made much more sense than fighting all these other crazy monsters but whatever. I told Bert I would fight one more monster and then I'm out of here. Screw the Dark World! I've got stuff to do. I'm sure my Dad has probably sobered up enough to realize I haven't been home in a month and I'm going to catch a royal beating for this. Why didn't I just take the long way home from that baseball game instead of short cutting through the park. I bet all my friends are probably playing Nintendo and building forts and other cool stuff. Damnit!
August 9th 1989
I fought the Dark World Master today. You have got to be kidding me. This guy was what all this fuss was about? Really? He was a pair of floating eyes that threw little floating eyes at me. Oooo, I'm sooo scared. Whatever shall I do? If only I had a bat-like thing to hit the eyeballs back at him. What a joke this guy was. I am thoroughly convinced that Dark World is completely incompetent. The kid that takes my lunch money every Wednesday is tougher than the so called Dark World "Master". When I get home I'm going to write a letter to my congressman asking him to nuke the crap out of this lousy planet. Oh well, at least I'm heading home. Bert agreed to take me back in the morning. He also gave me a fancy box and told me not to open it until I get home. I have to admit, I'm a little curious as to what might be in there but I'm pretty tired so I'll save it for tomorrow.
August 10th 1989
I'm glad all that crap is finally over. I will never, ever, ever talk to another mysterious purple bird monster thing that falls out of the sky again. Burn me once... I guess I'll open that box from Bert and see what I got.... Yes!!!! A hot chick of my very own! Too bad I haven't hit puberty yet. What else do we have here...OH WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! MY SKIN IS FUCKING MELTING!!!!!! JESUS NO!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!
It was all just a dream then. I'm never eating Chinese takeout that close to bedtime ever again. I guess I'll go outside and play. You better believe I'm staying the hell away from the park!
Absolutely not. Fuck you Bert.