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|Would Tony Blair play it?||No|
“This is about a game where you hunt monsters.”
“NEIGHHHHHGHHHGHGHGHHHHHHHH NEIGH NEEEIGHHH!!!!”
“FGAYk this piece of sGAYt!”
Monster Hunter (and all of its sequels) is a series of games in which the player is tasked with killing tiny dinosaurs, giant dragons, and other random shit that was made up on the spot. All within 50 minutes. It was created by Crapcom sometime during 2004.
The plot of monster hunter is incredibly complex and involves one of the greatest stories ever told in the history of humanity, it is told in 7 incredible parts.
Part 1: Arrival
The hunter arrives in a remote village in some place no one has ever heard of. The loving villagers give you a house, (for free) a farm, (for free) and a pig (for free). After those 30 seconds the villagers never do anything nice for the hunters again.
Part 2: The Basics
After this the hunter is allowed to do what hunters do best! Gather herbs and mushrooms so they can learn how to survive in the wilderness! This incredible and gripping part of the game involves five quests before the hunter realizes that everything they find in the wilderness can be bought cheaper at the local store.
Part 3: Kill some monsters
The 6th quest of the game is to actually kill something. The target is always a tiny dinosaur with a high pitched voice. This part is where 80% of people drop out after they draw their weapon and realize that there is no Lock-On. The actual hunt is incredibly difficult and normally takes about 3 seconds (Unless the player is using the Sns, in which it will take 20 minutes) After the quest the village chief gets bored and tells the hunter to go kill more monsters.
Part 4: Kill some more monsters
The next 200 quests involve killing all
20 65 bosses of the game. Sometimes the village chief will be a douche and give the players gathering quests to go and get lumps of ash that break easily instead. The player also gets cute cats that cook their food for them. Most of the time the food is burnt but who honestly cares, they’re cats!
Part 5: Kill more monsters than you were killing before
After finally finishing the village quests the hunter is told to go into the guild hall. In here the hunter can embark on new and exciting quests with new monsters. (The same ones except different colors) If the hunter becomes suspicious of the new monsters being familiar then the guild will send him on a 'Mystery Quest!' This quest is to hunt a nasty dragon trying to destroy the world by slowly walking on everything. If the player ever bothers to complete this part then they move on to 'High Rank'.
Part 6: Kill even more monsters than you were killing when you were killing more monsters than you were killing before
If the hunter ever makes it this far in hopes that maybe, just once they might get to kill something new then they will be disappointed. This level forces the hunter to kill the exact same crap they've been fighting for the last 500 hours except with a 30% difficulty increase. By now the kitchen cats are actually slightly useful. (However they will sometimes give the hunter poisoned or drugged meat in hopes he will eat it.)
Part 7: Kill new monsters
After 600+ hours of killing the same monsters over and over again, the hunter is finally given the opportunity to hunt something new. The target is a big scary dragon that shoots fireballs and lives in a castle. This could have been an epic hunt except for the fact that the dragon will not bother to attack if the hunter is behind its left leg. It is also revealed that this dragon was the cause of many things including:
- The reason Lao Shan Lung (That big dragon thing that was talked about in Part 5) was walking.
- Nothing else. The dragon was so stupid that it wouldn't leave its castle thus causing no one except the only thing stupider than it (Lao Shan) to be scared of it.
- The Village Chief's plans to kill humans and let monsters rule the Earth are revealed. He runs away and hides.
- The Hunter most now stop the Village Chief's plans.
One of the best parts about Monster Hunter is the brilliant monsters in it. Some people try and claim that some monsters fight exactly the same. These people are raving lunatics and should be shot on site. This only talks about interesting monsters. The uninteresting monsters were all useless and were shot by the Village Chief.
Humanoid creatures. They're all annoying and useless.
Psychopathic cats that always attempt to blow the hunter up with bombs. These are created when hunters fire their cats for attempting to kill them.
They steal stuff. They are also black. This may be Capcom's way of suggesting something.
Irritating creatures that are in some way related to the Felynes. The attack by jumping up and down and touching people with knives.
Every herbivore presents a unique and challenging fight. Make sure you have good equipment before fighting one. It is impossible to describe the complexity of a herbivore fight in this short article.
Capcom decided to give them a fancy name but no one calls them that. Everybody hates these monsters due to Vespoids.
The bane of all hunters. These creatures fly over to hunters and sting them whenever they are doing anything important. Thousands of these pests have been exterminated but they just keep on coming. The Village Chief may or may not be to blame.
A rare monster that the player gets to fight once. It is quite possibly the most annoying creature in the whole world.
Lightning that moves around and attacks people. Village Chief claims they are bugs. She is wrong
Everything you fight at the start of the game is a giant bird. Or a dinosaur pretending to be a bird.
Dinosaur like creatures that are in no way related to Velociraptors. They love to jump up and down.
Dinosaur like creatures that live in the desert. Nothing in common with Velociprey.
Dinosaur like creatures that live in the volcano. Nothing in common with Velociprey.
Dinosaur like creatures that live in the mountains. Nothing in common with Velociprey.
Mr. KuMr. Ku is a very
Sad Mr. Ku
Sometimes some of Mr. Ku's friends die, this makes Mr. Ku sad. In this state he becomes much more dangerous and gains many new attacks. The haters say that Mr. Ku doesn't change a bit when he is in this state. They also insult his pink clothes, calling him gay. Perhaps this is why Mr. Ku gets sad.
A teenage wyvern. Spends most of its time trying to get high. It also enjoys flashing people and robbing them. Is currently undergoing counseling.
In a sick experiment by the Village Chief, which combined a Rathian and Mr. Ku, this horror was born. Mr. Garu is a hit man, usually in the service of Mr. Ku. Most hunters treat it like they would Mr. Ku and usually end up dead. While he may appear to have anger issues, he is actually quite polite.
Nobody gives a second thought to this monster. It attempts to drug people and bring them to its lair. In league with the Village Chief.
These are the actual monsters you fight after you kill all the birdies. None are the same.
Famous for being the weakest wyvern in the game. They sit in the air and try and be a douche like the Vespoids. Most often they fall out of the sky and cry themselves to sleep. Some may be involved with the Village Chief.
GraviosA giant piece of Iron Ore come to life. Attacks by sitting on people and farting. Member of the League of Honor, a group of monsters trying to rebel against the Village Chief
The mighty Lord Tigrex is one of the Village Chief's Big 4 on The Table of Death. It enjoys killing Popos and Hunters, Golf, and Poetry. He owns 97 acres of land north of Pokke Village and is famous for having one of the greatest sunset herb gardens in the world. Sadly sunset herbs are useless.
A fast moving monster, strong as well. Despite these strengths it was denied access into the Village Chief's forces for having an annoying name. Or perhaps beacause he was black? Either way, he joined the League of Honor as a result.
Monster that stabs people with its horn. Really important and talked about monster in the first game. Later demoted because it wasn't overpowered enough. Seeks to kill Mr. Garu to avenge his father. I think. Somthing lame like that.
A violent servant of the Village Chief. Completely racist so nobody likes it. Has many new attacks including shouting racist comments, making yo momma jokes, and worst of all... CHUCK NORRIS JOKES. Has wings but never uses them. Who knows why? Nobody. Who gives a damn? Nobody
Joined the League of Honor alongside her husband, Rathalos. Very good at aerobics. Has no reason for being in the League except to make it look like it actually has members
Joined the League of Honor alongside his wife, Rathian. Likes sports. Considered a idiot by everyone. Seeks to kill Lord Tigrex as he took his position as flagship monster.
A big monster that the hunter thought he killed but came back to life. Now trapped in the Battleground, he awaits the final showdown between the League of Honor and the Village Chief. Attacks people by making the ground shake.
Another big monster that Akantor doesn't like. Maybe because he's white. Or maybe because he lives in an iceberg. Responsible for sinking the Titanic, which the Village Chief's husband was on. Joined the League of Honor to avoid having to tell the Village Chief it was his fault.
Best. Idea. Ever. Shoots lasers out of its eyes. Noted for being first to be eliminated on Pokke's Next Top Model 10 years running. Has mothing remotely interesting to say about itself except that it works for a mad old lady.
A fish monster that fights completely fair. He mostly fights underwater. The hunter wasn't smart enough to figure out how to get it out of the water so it is still alive. Serves Village Chief for frogs.
Uses its devastating splash attack to destroy everything. Its rumored to have a hyper beam too, but don't believe that. Splash is enough my friend.
Foul monsters that speak utter garbage. Most are politicians.
The most useless monsters ever. These monsters go around messing with lakes and enjoy ruining boating trips.
Shotgun Senator John McCain
Alongside Mr. Ku and Lord Tigrex, Shotgun Senator John McCain is also on the Village Chief's Big 4 on The Table of Death. Frustrated the hunter while he was recruiting for the League of Honor by constantly stalking him. There are rumors of this monster going maverick.
Prime Minister Gao Ren
The Prime Minister of some country nobody has ever heard of Loves to beat the shit out of walls but not much else. Remains neutral on the Village Chief conflict.
Equally as foul as the Crapeceons, but not as smart. They are also mammals.
Bullfangos are one of the friendlier creatures in the game. When standing in place they will run to greet you. When in battle they will charge and surround you in order to protect you from the attacking wyvern. A fun game to play is just before the bullfango reaches you while you are holding a stone or egg is to press "X" and you can leap onto its back and ride it to base.
The most disgusting monster ever conceived. It throws shit at you, and can belch fart gas. It is, of course, in league with the Village Chief.
Not as perverted as the Congalala, but looks the same, except it is the bastard child of a lion and a white gorilla. It lives in the mountains, and doesn't seem to eat anything. It just gets angry at people and throws chunks of frozen poo at them. It is going through counseling, but so far three psychologists are dead.
Supposedly the strongest monster ever. Lord Tigrex disagrees. It can fire lightning from its mouth, and can successfully piss off the hunter with a single punch. He is actually a deformed Saiyan, getting stuck in monkey/gorilla/thing form. He doesn't bother with the Village Chief conflict, but instead goes off searching for mystical balls.
Errmmm...This thing is very disturbing...I won't go into the details. All you have to do is look up what it looks like, and you will understand all the mystery behind this creature. Oh, and while your at it, look up a gigginox, too. It is the Khezu's believed mate.
The counter-part to khezu, it it is equally (or possibly more) disturbing. Here's an example to give you an idea of how horrible it is: It launches its unborn fetuses at the hunters, the fetus poisons them, or hatches into smaller fetuses.
Elder Dragons/Horses/Octpus Squid Things
Lao Shan Lung, Rocky Mountain Dragon
The dragon that was walking. It soon came to wall that it couldn't be bothered attacking so it just turned around and made a brief detour. Natrually, the hunter claimed victory.
Fatalis, The Legendry Black Dragon
A mighty dragon that nobody was scared of except Lao and three racist scholars from Loc Lac. After its death at the hands of the hunter it kind of fell out of conversation. (Although Village Chief claims it's alive.) It attacks by ignoring people and shooting fireballs that nearly kill you. Nearly.
Kirin, A Random Horsey
Kirin is a horsey. A horsey that shoots lightning, and neighs. A lot. It mostly just jumps around randomly. Makes its home in ancient towers, swamps, and mountains. 97% of people just play the game to see the sexy female armour. The other 3% play to hear Kirin neigh.
Yamatsuakiamiakiakami, Lord Squid of Boring Places
Nobody can spell his name right, be bothered fighting him, or even just pop up to his lovely cottage for tea.
Kushara Gundam Daola
Daola is a dragon. Made of metal. So, he goes into outerspace most of the time to be hunted by Gundam Hunters. His role in Monster Hunter is vague, because of going into space constantly.
The Village Chief
The 4th member of the Village Chief's Big 4 Table of Death. Location currently unknown, although most likely a big tower in the middle of nowhere. The Village Chief most likely posseses some uber artifact that will destroy the world. However the hunter will probally arive just before then, alongside his buddies that he made on his journy. The League of Honor will also be there, but they'll probally have to stay outside for some reason. So the hunter will proceed to climb the tower, fighting his old enemies along the way. (Lord Tigrex, Mr Ku, and Shotgun Senator) At the top the hunter will fight the ultimate battle for the fate of the whole universe. The battle will most likely be very anticlimatic and short as Village Chief will probally have some really lame weakness that can easily be exploited. However, just before the end of the fight, the Village Chief will unleash some ancient evil or somthing like that. And Lord Tigrex won't be dead. And Mr. Garu went mad. And lots of other random crap that allows a sequel with more crap in it. Then again, maybe not.
also:She has all the powers of The League of Honor strangely her only attack is to throw shit at the hunter then she fucks the hunter.So BEWARE!!!!
You can't hunt monsters without weapons! And Monster Hunter gives us so many choices, (12) that your head will explode! And it gets better! All of the weapons (Excluding the Sns) are perfectly
unbalanced! Let's take a look in to each kind of weapon.
Sword and Shield (Sns)
Arguably the most useless weapon in Monster Hunter. The Sns features several attacks, all of which do absolutely no damage. Think of it as trying to cut a steak with a breadknife. The only thing Sns is useful for is inflicting status effects. Paralyze can give you a few free hits on the monster (0 X 10 = 0) Poison can deal absolutely rubbish damage over time (1 X 20 = barely anything) and the most useful of all, sleep!(1 minute of sleep = enough time to run away and get a new weapon)
Dual Swords (DS)
Much more use
lessful than the Sns. The DS allows you to kill monsters with lots of magic explosions every second at the cost of looking like a pansy. Another great feature is Dance Mode. In Dance Mode you must enter certain combanations in order to perform extremely lame attacks. The bigger he combo the lamer the attack!
A really long sword with the ability to constantly knock people over. 99% of players using it use it to try to be like their patron saint, Sephirot. The other 1% use it beacause it looks cool. (It doesn't) The LS has a small gauge that, when filled up allows the user to perform attacks that trip people even more!
The Greatsword is the weapon that, after everyone realizes that the Sword and Shield is garbage, runs to. Every single player that uses this weapon complains that it’s too slow and thus quit the game. They are sadly missed. The best part however, is the Charge Attack. This attack has a 0% chance of hitting for lots of damage (1% of monsters health.)
Now for the
Sixth Fifth Fourth Third Second best weapon: TEH HAMMAH. The Hammer has absurdly high attack power, is absurdly easy to use, and is absurdly something else. Anybody who uses it is permitted to claim that they are a pro. There are also weapons called Gunhammers that function exactly like a Hammer. Anyone not using them is a cheater and a noob.
Hunting Horn (HH)
This weapon is relatively new, as the blacksmiths just figured out how to utilise the
Sound of Music power of notes. They are basically instruments, but hammer-sized. A lot of them break very easily, and many agree rockstars stole a lot of the moves in which the weapon is smashed down. Fortunately, if the hunter bothered to make a good enough one, it won't break with a few slams. Unfortunately for the rockstars, their guitars break upon impact with the ground.
Yes, hunters can now joust with the monsters! Except the hunter is the only one with the lance. And has a shield. It is most known for its
crappy backstep which ends up killing you every time brilliant blocking! It only shaves off about half your stamina, but that's a decent trade off for having a two-tonne wyvern trample you with no health lost.
Invented by Charlie Raddish, a
drunkard scientist from ... ... ("Chris! Where should this guy I just made up be from"?) ... Zimbabwe. It was created by removing everything from a lance, leaving only the shell and tossing bombs inside. Features a self destruct feature that's even weaker than a regular attack.
The best weapon in the game, all the hammer users claimed for a ridiculously long time that they were the best. They were shocked to find out that they were wrong and now spend all their time bashing the bowgun. The bowgun comes in
three two different flavours: the 'Heavy Bowgun' and the 'Light Bowgun'. Some people claim that there is a third kind. This is false propaganda from Lord Barioth, an imaginary wyvern. Besides the weight difference there is no distingushable features unique to either bowgun. Thus, it makes sense to use a heavy one. Bowguns also have the ability to shoot bullets that heal people. Seriously.
Bow (Nobody can be bothered to make up an abreviation for such a short word. You heard me. You actually have to remember a whole word)
Don't you have Bowguns to play with?
Switch Axe (SA)
Switch axes are the very best weapon. Much better than any weapon that exists. We think they should be used more beacause not too many people use them and we are sad beacuse of this. We think that longswords are overated and should not be used. We hope you listen to this information and decide to take up the wonderful switch axe.