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Do sea monsters really dwell beneath the waves of the world’s oceans? Do dinosaurs still survive in remote parts of the African Rainforest? Did brutal Soviet dictator Josef Stalin attempt to fund an army of man-ape hybrids?
Science and the academic community have yet to find the answers. For this reason, the History Channel has developed MonsterQuest, a television program 100% devoted to discovering the truth of these and other highly contentious matters. MonsterQuest—part of a new block of quality programming that includes Ice Road Truckers, MysteryQuest, Ice Road Truckers, and Ice Road Truckers—is known for holding itself to the strictest and most stringent of standards, like consulting only the most respected academics and interviewing no more than six lower-middle-class people from Middle America per episode.
Every year, residents of the American Southwest report seeing strange things. Unexplained lights in the sky. Ghastly cattle mutilations. Bone-chilling ghost activity. Bizarre sightings of a bipedal ape-like creature known as Bigfoot. Sightings of each have attracted substantial media attention. But could these heretofore-unexplained occurrences all be…related?
Enter Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot: a cryptid whose existence would single-handedly explain the throng of bizarre occurrences that the American Southwest is so known for. But does this bizarre creature actually exist? Though most scientists doubt the existence of such a being, and there is little to no evidence that even so much as hints at its existence, and even some of the people who think that they’ve seen Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot aren’t so sure anymore, there are a few key witnesses that are adamant about what they think they might have seen, maybe.
In the summer of 1947, an as-of-yet unidentified flying object crashed in the desert outside of Roswell, New Mexico. Among the wreckage were strange, metallic-looking metals and—allegedly—the corpses of extraterrestrial aliens. The United States Army Air Force issued a statement saying that a flying disk had been found, only to rescind it the next day. By then, however, the damage had been done, and UFO fever swept the country.
Meanwhile, in California, twenty years later, Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin were riding their horses along a riverbed in Northern California, their lives about to be changed forever. Unlike most people that encounter megafauna unknown to science, however, one thing set them apart—they were fortunate enough to have a camera with them. To this day, the forty seconds of grainy, shaky, out-of-focus, inconclusive film they shot remains the best and most compelling evidence for the existence of North America’s most famous cryptid—Bigfoot.
Meanwhile, in Puerto Rico, thirty years later, residents of the island’s many small villages began reporting bizarre cases of cattle and poultry mutilations. Naturally, they collectively jumped to the most logical conclusion: the mutilations were the work of an extraterrestrial bat-like creature, which they dubbed El Chupacabras. To this day, so much as a blurry photograph has yet to be taken of the creature, but many are adamant about its existence nonetheless.
Meanwhile, in Tunguska forest, Russia, eighty years earlier, an as-of-yet-unidentified object exploded several miles above the surface of the Earth, causing massive destruction and releasing unearthly amounts of radiation. Though most evidence points to either a comet or rocky asteroid being the culprit, the possibility that the body was in fact a giant extraterrestrial spacecraft searching for fresh water in Lake Baikal cannot be completely ruled out.
Though all of these strange occurrences are still rigorously debated in fringe sections of the academic community, one baseless presumption stands out above all others: all can be explained by the existence of Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot.
Potentially Dubious Eyewitness Accounts
One man that claims to have seen Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot is Michael Duffield, who claims to have seen the creature while driving home from work:
|“||It started off just like any other drive home. I remember I had just left the gas station after buying lottery tickets and Seneca brand cigarettes, and I was going through a particularly wooded section of road. Then I saw a light in the sky. I looked at it, but didn’t think much of it, and continued driving. After a few seconds I looked where it had been in the sky and it wasn’t there, but I didn’t think much of it. I continued down the road to find the light in the middle of the street, and discover that the light was in fact a spacecraft about half the size of a football field, but didn’t think much of it. Out of the spacecraft there descended three transparent, bipedal apes, each about eight feet tall, but I didn’t think much of it. I used the shoulder of the road to skirt around them, and drove home without further incident. It was only when I got home that I realized what I saw.||”|
Duffield is far from alone is seeing the creature, however. Michel Cooker, a stay-at-home mother from Kentucky, describes her encounter with the beast:
|“||I was asleep in my bed, and then suddenly I woke up. I looked around, but I couldn't move. Out of the corner of my eye I could see these…these things…standing over my bed. One of them bent down and looked at me, and I could see its face. It looked a lot like an ape, but with these big, black eyes. And the strange thing was I could see right through it, as though it were a ghost, or something. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. Then the two creatures pulled down my panties and started raping me, which was kind of surprising.||”|
But perhaps the most compelling account of all has to be the one given by avid camper and racketball enthusiast James Leckie:
|“||I was taking my daily stroll through the woods going to my daily racketball session with my friend Mark when I saw something odd through the trees. I ran over to look, but when I got there, it was gone. I’m certain it must have been Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot.||”|
A Fringe Academic Submits a Chilling Theory
Fox Holzer, the chair of the department of Subterranean Cryptozoology at the University of Georgia, has a chilling theory that might explain sightings of the creature:
|“||To me, it is quite obvious that Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot—or ‘E.T.G.B.’, as we like to call him—is a genuine organism. But the question remains: is E.T.G.B. really E.T., G? Given the fact that all space aliens either look like lizard-men or big-eyed gray man-children with big heads, I doubt it. To me, it is far more likely that the creatures that we know as Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfeet are not extraterrestrial at all, but rather the disembodied astral projections of regular Bigfeet that have commandeered alien technology recovered by the US government. The government’s strange silence on the matter only gives credence to this theory....||”|
The Premise, Again, Which Is Repeated at the Return From Every Commercial Break
Every year, a throng of unexplained paranormal activity occurs in the American Southwest. Things ranging from alien abductions to run-ins with the legendary Bigfoot have all but baffled most outside observers. However, these bizarre occurrences may finally be explained by the supposed existence of a cryptid known as Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot.
Another Fringe Academic Submits an Even More Chilling Theory
Professor Heinrich Overy of Cambridge University has his own ideas about Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot:
|“||The circumstantial evidence for E.T.G.B—from the eyewitness accounts to the grainy photographs—is quite compelling. But we must ask ourselves what this creature’s motivations are. And—given the various eyewitness accounts and grainy photographs—I can only conclude that Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot wants nothing more than the complete destruction of the human race.||”|
And so science may never know whether or not Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot exists, at least for the foreseeable future. Some things, however, are certain: circumstantial evidence of Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot is nothing if not compelling, Professors Fox Holzer and Heinrich Overy are adamant in their claims that they know what they’re talking about, and—most chillingly of all—James Leckie, Michel Cooker and Michael Duffield are all pretty sure of the thing that they think they might have seen, maybe.