From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“They are talking Bollocks”
“I lost my virginity to a monk! ”
Believed to be ancestors of the old Witch Doctors, Fortune Tellers and Emperor's whom possess a close relationship with a higher deity, monks arose around the time Genghis Khan was playing Battleships with the whole Western Europe. Like Priests, Monks were selected eunuchs whom usually stayed in the village to protect the women and children while the real men went out foraging or working.
The brown dresses they wear today came from a ritual performed after the warriors returned from battle. With plenty of sh-rooms and pot, the burly men pretty much did what they pleased to the defenceless women and children. After they'd had their way with as many as they could catch, their attention (what little was left after the drugs took over) turned to the town eunuch and the camp fire. They'd always bring a variety of loot from their raiding and pillaging, in amongst which were usually a few female garments, which they were too proud to wear in front of their women, so they'd forcibly dress the eunuch and make him dance and sing around the fire. He'd also most usually be gang raped, and enjoy it.
It's difficult to ascertain exactly when Monks began practising, but easy to fathom from whence they came.
When the creatures kept falling out of trees because of intruding T-Rexes, they decided to stop slouching around and started standing tall. After many interbreeding experiments, the Gorilla won the Battle of the Fittest, and so mated with every other species available to be mated with. Hard. With so many walking Apes on the land, groups of similar-looking, similar-acting, and similar-smelling species began to form.
After thousands or millions of years of inbreeding of these groups, the offspring started displaying peculiar traits their forefathers and mothers did not possess. For example: an eight-handed midget, a blue-eyed giant, a female with snakes as hair, which beckons the question "What the hell was mum doing with those pet snakes?"
Each minor difference was seen as a curse and usually these unique and rare specimens were slaughtered, fried and eaten at a special family BBQ, others were abandoned, some sent floating in a basket down a river, and others just expelled from their family's camp.
Those that were allowed to stay in their group, where they grew up tormented, ridiculed, and generally made fun of due to their outstanding defects, or traits, developed skills which most of the group feared or worshipped. Some even possessed magical traits, like predicting the future, pulling bunnies out of unsuspecting bums, mind reading, and weather manipulation.
Exactly Right After The Beginning
One such subhuman, as word of mouth tells us, was the first of many defected offspring to overthrow the corrupt leader of its group. As the story goes, Conan, was raised in a small cave in the hills of Antwerp, hidden from the rest of the group to avoid his sacrifice. There, on an icy reflective wall, he gazed at his skinny, sick, pale body day-in and day-out. He began moving rocks from the back of the cave to the foot of the hill using his bare hands, trying to build a wall to secure his privacy. Over many moons his body reacted to the lifting and carrying until he resembled the Bridgestone Tyre dude, and was able to lift thrice his body weight with just his flaccid penis. He enjoyed watching his newly formed muscles stretch and grow on his body, so much so that he decided to show the village girls his outstanding manhood.
The group leader, a jealous, horny, and extremely bossy guy ordered his witless guards to capture this pale creature before he could mate any of his beautiful harem girls. The soldiers came upon the huge wall Conan had built and could not get past."Come out, come out, wherever you are!" They yelled over the wall.
After a few moons, the soldiers decided to tempt him out by capturing his parents. Conan knew they wanted to kill him, so stayed concealed in his cave until the night he heard a piercing scream. It was his mother, and she was being brutally raped by the bored soldiers. Conan could not stand anybody else fucking his mum, and killed every soldier that was there, using sticks, stones and his bare hands. But he was too late, his parents had already been murdered.
This led Conan, in a fit of rage, to the leader's lair. A giant snake protected the weak leader, but was no match for Conan's strength and determination. He stuffed the dead leader's body up the snake's small anus, and told the villagers they would follow if he wasn't elected as their new leader.
Embarrassingly Close To The Beginning
All across the globe, similar events were taking place. A two-headed freak took over the Chinese Empire, a female with male genitals named Cleopatra overthrew the Egyptian realm, a human-eating midget became the new King of the Incas, and a man with ears as big as wings that could hear conversations on the other side of the globe took the rein in England. And, with their power, they ordered all defected humans to be treated with respect and stop being killed.
Thus begins the journey of our modern-day Monks, subhuman specimens with hidden powers, sometimes called Gods or Thor or Emperors because they are able to undermine the mob with their ambiguous prophecies, coincidental assumptions, and their supposed covenant with an almighty deity.
Nice And Easy Wins The Race
With a massive inferiority complex, a greedy disposition, and a determination to reek revenge upon all those that teased, mocked and laughed at them, Monks all around the globe took a right-hand seat next to their society's leader. Being in the spotlight, as were their predecessors; the Witch Doctors, didn't bode well for these people. They preferred to sit patiently beside a charismatic leader, advising, counselling, and conniving to overthrow him/her if they didn't do what they were told. Called Puppet-masters, they convinced the world they were doing good through the actions of the kings, but in reality were just hell-bent on dominating the world to show those tough-ass warriors that the brain was indeed mightier than the sword.
Their illusion was almost destroyed when a young carpenter named Jesus showed the world their corrupt ways, but the ingenious monks, called Rabbi's by that time, devised a plan to fool the world yet again. They contracted 12 fairly ordinary men to follow Jesus' every move, and asked them to write a story about him. Obviously, the leading Rabbis heavily edited what they had written so they could continue their business of fooling the mob. It wasn't until 300BC that they finally agreed on a name for the new writings: Bible. Derived from the Latin word Bib, which means manure, fake, and crap (depending on its context), and the Hebrew term Le, which literally translates to Law. This 'fake law' was as powerful as manure in growing the 'faith' of the people, and in so doing created an untapped goldmine for them to grow their power.
When these nerdy monks were able to cross the seas, by using able-bodied drones to build their ships and transport equipment, they decided to spread their crap to every corner of the Earth. Any other Monk, with or without powers, who commanded a village or city, was killed in the name of the newly invented God, if they didn't buy into the deal. This was the early pioneering methods McDonald's used 1500 years later.
Another Insufferable Century
For hundreds and thousands of years, the only men allowed to wear dresses, except for the barbarian Scots, the newly formed groups of Monks became known as the 'brethren', "brotherhood", "priests" and "yogis", depending on their location. With their enormous wealth they not only created majestic shrines for worship, but also built fortified Monkasteries (now called Monasteries so as to sound less monkey-like), with complicated subterranean passageways used to kidnap unsuspecting little boys for their weekly group orgies, transport tonnes of gold, and to fabricate 'miracles' for the enjoyment of the masses.