Monica Seles

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“Is she the one that grunts?”
~ Amy Winehouse on Monica Seles
“Noisy Bitch”
~ Jennifer Capriati on Monica Seles
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are Dancing with the stars”
~ Oscar Wilde on Monica Seles


Monica Seles is a retired tennis player and Avon lady from former Yugoslavia. She amazed us all with her tennis prowess and was the epitomy of grace, humility and sportsmanship on and off the court.

Born in 1955 in Novi Sad, Serbia. Her mum, Esther, had dropped by a hardware store to purchase some nails as both her and her Husband, Karolji, were putting up some pictures in their lounge one saturday afternoon. Esther's waters broke when she was at the till saturating her new cork platforms. According to sources Monica was holding a tennis ball and wearing Fila trainers when she was born although her mother denies this saying "She popped out. No fuss. No Tears. No nothing"

She loves Lasagne, boating and crossword puzzles.

She owns a black Aston Martin called 'marley'.

She loves playing around with fruit machines and once won a tenner at the Wetherspoons in Letchworth Garden City.

Witches

Maria Sharapova, Bjorn Borg and Monica Seles enjoy an impromptu on-court joke

edit Early Life

Monica was hitting tennis balls at an early age. She was also hitting the bottle and was often found raiding her parents drinks cabinet for cinzano and lager.

When Esther found Monica in the garage of their home in Novi Sad - half asleep having drunk a litre of home-brand methylated spirits - it drove them to seek professional help in the guise of Robert Kilroy-Silk. They moved to the UK and settled in Luton: the jewel of the home counties.

Although Monica loved tennis, she adored playing the piano too, particularly Chopin and Rachmaninov and was once seen busking in Luton on a baby grand when she was 8. Esther didn't like Monica playing piano when she should have been playing tennis so she sold the piano for firewood.

Monica's first tournament was at Wimbledon in 1983 when she won it. Beating John McEnroe in the final. She won the hearts of the nation and a cheque for £12.50.

Graf

Steffi was her nemesis, on and off the court

edit Seles' Style of play

Monica has an unorthodox style of play which includes:

  • 1. Smoking Marlboro lights during a tie break.
  • 2. Hitting Winners from anywhere in or around the court (including the 'Strawberries and Cream' tea-tent match point winner during the Wimbledon 99 fortnight)
  • 3. Grunting whilst hitting the ball
  • 4. Signing autographs in blood
  • 5. Hitting the ball double fisted on both sides

In 1992 Monica showed a keen interest in Judo and incorporated the skills gleaned from the martial art into her matches. However during the Wimbledon 1992 fortnight Monica performed the pinning move Kata-kesa-gatame on Nathalie Tauziat during their quarter-final match just as Nathalie was reaching for her Robinsons Barley Water. Nathalie Complained to the Umpire who had words with Miss Seles. Monica promised not to perform any more Judo during the match, she didn't even bow to Nathalie after decimating her play.

During the Semi-Final Match with Martina Navratilova, Monica once again grappled her opponent to the ground. Martina complained (although one wonders why as she was visably aroused) and Monica was instructed by Alan Mills, tournament referee, to drop the Martial Art during play. Monica meekly submitted and looked stoic, sad and empty as she crushed her lesbian opponent into submission with various winners and passing shots.

edit Notable Matches

Monica-chair

The Chair that broke Serena's thigh and snapped her 'fro.

  • Wimbledon 1983 Final : Vomited a sausage roll over a linesman in the change of ends
  • Roland Garros 1992 Quarter final: served an ace against her oppenent who had in fact died during the previous point
  • Roland Garros 1992 Final : Beat Steffi Graf with a rounders bat
  • Roland Garros 1998 Final : Had a chat with Arantxa Sanchez' mother about the difficulty she had installing a jacuzzi in her conservatory
  • US OPEN 1999 1st Round : Called Steffi Graf a 'cunting Nazi'
  • Australian Open 2001 Final : Hit her 1,000,000 winner and celebrated by beheading the umpire
  • US Open 2002 Semi Final : Floored Serena Williams with a rusty patio chair

edit Controversy

  • She once headbutted Fern Britton outside Kebabylon in Luton because she reckoned that Fern nicked her saveloy
  • Told a blind person it was safe to cross the road when it wasn't
  • Claims that both her and Martina Hingis stole a press-on-towel from Steffi Graf's handbag but were too scared to give it back
  • Claims her parents saw her as a meal ticket and never lifted a 'fuckin finger in their lives'
  • Still reckons the earth is flat: "The "US government has been lying to everyone. The earth is really flat. The government and Nasa are both in on the conspiracy. All of the images from space have been modified."
Monica's prize

The nourishing prize Monica was awarded

edit Awards

  • In 2001 Monica won the Daily Telegraph Competetion for 'Quickest Crossword solver born in Yugoslavia but now living in the US'
  • Won the Family Circle Cup Biscuit Tin in 1999 and subsequently showered her adoring fans with broken biscuits

edit Dancing with the Stars

Seles competed in March 2008 on television's 'Dancing with the Stars'. Seles and her partner Darcy Bussell were disqualified in the third round. Darcy and Monica performed a set of complicated 'Volcadas' (these include a drag of the woman across the floor and/or merry-go-rounds) during the Tango and Monica flung Darcy violently into the audience. A fight ensued between Monica and Len Goodman, one of the judges, where she subsequently broke his pelvis with a chair. Darcy was taken to hospital where she received ten stitches to her left thigh and is now recovering at her home in Sydney. Len decided to settle out of court, he felt that Monica had 'been through enough already'.

edit See Also

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