Monica Lewinsky
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“This vacuum cleaner bag will fix that face right up!”
~ Bill Clinton on viewing Monica Lewinsky's face
“...Shucks! It's already got a hole in it!”
~ Bill Clinton on viewing the vacuum cleaner bag
The Monica Lewinsky is a man-sized box-shaped all-purpose input-device originally impounded in the White House by then President Bill Clinton. Essentially no different from the common-or-garden Vending Machine, the Monica Lewinsky was created simply by be-wigging the exterior and painting it white, adhering comedy wax lips to the input slot, pebble dashing the undercarriage, sewing it into a blue dress and wheeling out the final result before the world's most powerful man. He was powerless to resist.
The Monica Lewinsky's gaping aperture has an array of functions, including:
- Vacuum-suction; capable of rapid bi-lateral movement
- Worry-hole
- Slurry-hole
- Publicity-spout
- That's it
Contents |
[edit] The Human Stain
An act of gargantuan barbarity was shoved under the nose of humanity on February 28, 1997; on that day a trillion Clinton juniors were dashed against the carpeted stern of the Queen Monica Lewinsky, and humanity did flinch.
[edit] A brief chronology of events
12h 00m 01s: As daddy's smoking gun cooled, the farm-fresh-fruit-of-his-loins choked to death upon post-coital cigar vapours (as confirmed by a coroners report). A trillion deaths occurring in an instant, and also 99.99999% of all fatalities attributable to passive smoking during the entire history of mankind.
12h 00m 02s: And so that shoal of young souls was whisked to the outer lip of Hell (limbo), where they will wriggle towards the beatific vision, for eternity and in vain, thwarted by demons pinching their conveniently plumpish noses.
12h 00m 03s: It's been rubber stamped by the Vatican; a trillion kids have gone to Hell. Any way you look at it Bill Clinton and the Monica Lewinsky have knowingly colluded in the greatest atrocity (Great-Grand-Gross-Mega-Infanticide) our post-nuclear civilisation could ever have dreamt of being a party to. Thankfully this is an abomination of unrepeatable magnitude...
12h 00m 04s: ...No. Wait! Nine year old Randolph Foldpen of Stockbroker Belt Surrey, England just had a rude dream, and the evidence strewn across his bedsheets strongly suggests he is the new greatest mass murderer of all time!
12h 00m 05s: Vatican City can confirm a mega-trillion little Foldpen's arrived just this moment on Hell's outer limits.
12h 00m 06s: Yup. Pope John Paul just screamed "He will be tortured for his crimes, in this life and the next!"
12h 05m 00s: Hi hi!... you there; would you go and tell Bill he's off the hook? There's a good chap/dog/pig.[1]
[edit] Epilogue
The Monica Lewinsky's fleeting stardom was cut short as the infamy surrounding her unravelled, and the public turned to alternative atrocities for encouragement. So she slid back into being just another man-sized box-shaped all-purpose input-device. She often expounds upon how her life has lost meaning now nobody is willing to impound her.
Bill Clinton continues to rattle around in the "insult to matrimony" he and his life partner call their "husk". His daughter's [new] face will be three years old on Thursday.
[edit] References
- ↑ The Catholic Church (you'd have to be rather dunderheaded not to twig that one)
