Mongoose

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“... Daddy?”

~ Jesus on Mongooses

“A little harsher on the lungs, but the after-taste is WICKED.”

~ Oscar Wilde on huffing a Mongoose

You may be wondering, what is a Mongoose? After all, why else would you be on this page? The answer will freak you out delight you. The mongoose is a creature that is, least to say, not too easy on the eyes. Just imagine (or see right) a weasel with webbed feet and wings. Such appalling creatures would not be permitted by God to exist on Earth. however, they were invented by a chap called mashkur alakbarov, and have ever since destroyed the race of azerbaijanis. hannah packard sucked hugo auer's dick. Unfortunately, He was FAR more focused on watching Demi Moore undress when the FBI began experiments to try and create a drug sniffing dog that could fly, swim and effectively terrorize teenagers on camping trips. Mongooses (this is the correct plural), being the disappointing results of the now classified "Project Drug Weasel" were released into the wilds of Hawaii, Yosemite National Park and maliciously accidentally into several suburbs of Chicago. Despite a bad rep from most environmentalists, holy men and humanity in general, mongooses have proven useful in controlling rodent and human populations, often drawing speculation that Project Drug Weasel was not as big a cock up as originally thought. Mongooses are also considered to be the animal most like humans. They invade countries, take all the natural resources, kill all the natives, and then fight amongst each other when they’re not getting enough food and then move onto another place when they took all resources.

Contents 1 History 2 Where are they now? 2.1 Closest Relatives 2.2 characteristics 2.3 Sounds 2.4 Enemies 2.5 Notable Mongoose Facts

[edit] History

• 1962 - FBI creates mongooses

• 1962 - Mongoose attack moscow and driven back by Russians.

• 1963 - John F. Kennedy is assassinated by a mongoose with badger acomplace.

• 1978 - Mongooses intentionally introduced to suburbs of Chicago

• 1990 - National Mongoose council reccomends at least three servings of mongeese a day

• 1998 - President Clinton commissions mongoose squad to patrol Mexican border

• 1999 - United Nations officially declare the mongoose a weapon of mass destruction

• 2000 - The Mongoose King takes Presidential Office, disguised as George W Bush

• 2007 - Oprah reveals she really created mongooses. They respond with a boycott

• 2008 - Mongooses accept Santeria as official religion

• 3100 - Mongeese take over the world and enslave the human race

[edit] Where are they now?

The location of a rumored Mongoose division for use in the "war on terror" is subject to much speculation and debate. Since the disappearance of former FBI scientist and Mongoose expert Pete Townshend, the public has been left in the dark on the subject of Mongoose intelligence. Though the FBI inherently denies any Mongoose activity and research in recent years, they does acknowledge that they have shelved (and classified) "Project Drug Weasel" as very real, but still very classified. Seriously, stop looking.

[edit] Closest Relatives

• the rabid white-tailed mongoose.
• cousin of manbearpig, twice removed (and once replaced)
• the missing link

[edit] characteristics

• likes to stalk young girls outside their windows late at night.( megan boucher and leigh williamson)
• like to strike during prelims while girls are delusional
• occasionally digging and scratching to find its once buried pine nuts that it stole from the Uplands College catering service
• only appears at night on a half, semi or eighteenth moon, because at daytime it is disguised as the ML teacher, Mrs. Van niekerk. A.K.A dragon nostril lady
• has a bushy tail resembling an animal still to be identified.. until then you will know what it looks like because it's like something you have never seen before.

[edit] Sounds

• Grunting,roar like sounds

[edit] Enemies

• Leigh Willimson
• Meghan Boucher
• Megan Eurelle (arch ememy)
• Madison Jeffs

[edit] Notable Mongoose Facts

• 2004 was officially named the year of the mongoose by astrologists. Mongooses responded by eating astrologists

• Mongooses have eye beams which they use to zap monkeys out of trees and temporarily stun small children

• All mongooses are rabid and are not to be approached unless you are Demi Moore or suicidal. Preferably both.

• According to reliable evidence, a mongoose has been involved, in one way or another, in every assassination since that of JFK. They are potentially the most dangerous creatures in the world, and are often referred to as "Satan's Squirrel".

• Mongooses, in an attempt to adapt to colder climates, have evolved to grow thicker coats, and sometimes parkas.

• Mongooses are also very thrifty, as is illustrated by the fact that they constantly eat refuse. They are therefore considered to be related to the Traveling Community of Ireland.

• In Hawaii, mongooses can be found in the middle of a highway, upside down and flat. They is linked to an odd mating ritual which is performed by jumping under the wheels of moving vehicles and attempting to cook the female waffles. It succeeds surprisingly seldom.

• Mongooses often congregate in groups of 2- 6 so they can gang up on small children, maul them and make them cry. The addiction of the lower-class mongooses to human tears remains a mystery.

• When not mating or dying mongooses will normally be found planning world domination, eating pasta and wondering why the FBI don't love them anymore.

• If you stare a mongoose in the eyes they suck out yo SOUL!!!!! in order to make there delicious crabcakes

Apology Contrary to the above article, mongooses cannot be cloned and are not part of any recent attempts to take over the world. The author is deeply sorry too have wasted your time and besmudged the glorious name of the mongoose. I type this under my own free will and without provocation of any kind from the mongooses...