Mongolia
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“Now that's what I call Mongolian barbeque.”
~ Mushu on roasting falcons
“It says Mongolia, does this look like Mongolia to you?”
~ Sully on Mike's poor Geography skills
“Why go there when we can visit Hungary?”
~ romanian youtubers on Mongolia
“I came, I saw, I fucked”
~ Genghis Khan on Mongol Invasion
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[edit] Meaning of the name
In Cyrillic, 'Mongol' is Монгол, meaning 'mongol'.
[edit] How it came to be
A blue wolf took as his spouse, a fallow doe(LOL Age of Empires quote). And the two bred at the head of the Onan river. Thus, the Mongols were born. Although there's some stupid freaks who try to bring up nonsense such as "evolution".
[edit] Pre Genghis Khan
They fought like vultures over what little grass and water they had. Apparently, the huns had lived in Mongolia for some time. They tried to invade China several times, but were always stopped by either the Great Wall, Mulan, or the Dragon Emperorer. Eventually, they got tired of this crap, and went off to found Hungary. The capital of Hungary is known as Buddha Pest, because Mongols have an inexplicable dislike for enlightenment. Perhaps it is because there are no trees in Mongolia.
[edit] Genghis Khan
Eventually the Mongols grew tired of all the great stuff people had, and the shit lands they owned. And so, a bloke named Genghis Khan united all 5.8 million tribes in Mongolia and set off to take over the world. His hordes (not his whores) travelled all over the place, playing fun games with other countries such as: "raze the towns to the ground", "make mountains out of human skulls", and making niffty little puppets out of corpses. Eventually, the Mongols conqured most of Asia, and part of Europe. But they never got to Japan, since it was protected by two typhoons, and various Manga and Anime heroes not to mention Tom Cruise (the Last Samurai).
Genghis Khan had also set up a pretty solid administration. In fact, it was said that a naked woman could carry a bag of gold from one end of his empire to another, without getting attacked or raped. Men however, weren't so lucky. Goat calves were just as unsafe. It should be noted, that the main thing making these strict laws so effective was because of the strict punishments backing them up. Such punishments include getting killed for stepping inside an officer's tent without permission, getting killed for peeing in running water, or getting violently bound by 19 hot women, for littering. For some reason, there were a lot more litterbugs at this time.
Genghis Khan had over 1,573 wives and 4,908 childeren, plus millions of illegitmate ones. When mr.Khan died, different parts of his empire went to his sons. However, his sons didn't know diddly squat about ruling a country, and the Mongol empire crumbled. CAT CAT CAT CAT MILAN IS AWESOME FAIRIES ARE REAL BELIEVE IT!!!!
[edit] Post-Genghis Khan
Two or three centuries later, China gets its revenge and takes over Mongolia. Unfortunately, the Chinese army couldn't play any fun games with the corpses because they had such a hard time just finding enough people. Mongolia later gets taken over by Russian communists...I guess.
Then in 1954, the Mongolians declared war on the Szechwans for control over the world's supply of Asian beef. The war took place in the Himalayan Mountains for about 3 1/2 years (give or take) before the Chinese Communists discovered the wonderful world of nukes and nuked the shit out of Mongolia. Coincidentally, due to a small population, the entire population of Mongolia was a member in the military. In addition, because China raped the shit out of them earlier, there was nothing in Mongolia anyway. So China basically wasted 13 of their nukes and the Mongolians won after successfully assassinating their distracted leader, Overlord Supreme Officer Major Jackie Chan. So today in all of the worlds major Oriental Restaurants, even P.F. Changs which is Chinese or American or some kind of Spanish establishment, Mogolian beef is the first item on the menu.
[edit] Society
Mongolian culture has always been centered on Horsemanship. Little kids were often taught how to ride before they could even walk, talk, or be potty trained. Since they were always on the move, they had no actual houses, and instead lived in cheap tents called yurts. Like the Chinese, the Mongols treat women as sex objects. The men were known to like pale women with unibrows and big hips. Men also liked getting drunk on nasty crap made from horse milk, because they were too poor to get real beer.
The traditional religion of Mongolia was Shamanism, which was basically listening to crap that crazy old people made up. Apparently the Mongols invented the sport Polo, as well as their star athlete Marco Polo. Recently, Mongolians have been known for a new tradition of killing survivors of plane crashes.
[edit] Economy
Aside from cattle, horse stuff, and beef, the Mongols never really had any sort of economy. They make very few things themelves, and mostly steal or import stuff. But for the past few centuries, Mongolia hasn't been in any position to steal stuff, so they must be content with being poor stupid bastards who live in shit lands.
Mongolian exports 90% of the world's shit (the kind you find in the toilet). Shit is a very essential part of Mongol diets, as it contains valuable nutrients because it is brown. Bread is brown, too. Mongolian bread is made of shit. Mongolian shit is also considered one of the highest quality shits in the world. Its pasty texture and musky aroma are sought after by shit collectors all over the world. The United States imports a great deal of Mongolian shit in order to fill McDonald's hamburger patties, which is a major contributing factor to the restaurant chain's success. Argentinian "gauchos" (cow cowboys that do things to cows) use Mongolian shit to feed their cows. Mongolian shit is also extremely fertile, and so, the Mongolian government has begun a program to fertilize the entire country using its shit. What they did not anticipate was the horrid smell that pervaded throughout the land afterwards. However, this fertile shit has allowed for the Mongolian beef industry to expand its influence all over the solar system.
[edit] The Mongols
The Mongols were a 60s rock group that only had 2 ½ songs to their name: “Mongol Bongos,” “Steppe Down,” and “Asian Inva-,” the latter of which was being written when everyone in the band blew up in a nuclear holocaust. They did, however, play cover music; when they started playing music, everyone covered their ears. They paved the way for future annoying 60s bands that played whiny protest songs such as The Cockroaches, The Spocks, The Knots, and The Gorillas. As aforementioned, the band blew up in an *cough* “accidental” nuclear holocaust. The 670 million band members included Ima Badsinger (lead vocal), Pete “Stop” Playing (lead guitarist), Wa-Tup-Fu (lead pianist) and the entire cast of Blue Farmland playing drums all at once. Did I mention that they all had different sheet music? A photograph was taken just before the *cough* “accident”, which showed everyone huddled around a microphone. Ima Badsinger is reported to have said, “Hey, what’s this giant nuclear bomb with our agent’s fingerprints all over it doing here?” just seconds before the *cough* “accidental” explosion. A memorial service was held the next day for them. Their two songs were played over and over again during the service, and reported turnout was exactly 0 people; not even the minister. They are remembered (not) in the hearts of everyone today, and many people wish they were still with us (not).
[edit] Mongolians and the World
One may wish to explicate further the physics behind the spleen size of Mongolian bluegrass players, on which Raffi Cavoukian did not elaborate. One kazooist from Ulanbator (originally from Boston, Missouri), Terrrigattaditna Eeenimeenidissellini, had an abnormally large follicle hemorrhage whilst playing his kazoo solo on that disco hit “Keep your weenuses off my rhino”, which, of course, explains why Tommy from the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers returned so many damn times to the series. However, this brings up another important banana, why did God ever decide to put a beige or brown chin on a human being in the first place, instead of perhaps a crimson, maroon, or even lime-colored chin? This issue could indeed shift your opinion on whether scotch tape was initially designed to fuse Celine Dion’s pet crab to a chainsaw, or whether Bart Simpson is actually just wearing yellow make-up. Moving more towards a contemporary view of how turkeys are taking over the world with crate-size vibrators from Bernie and Phyl’s (quality, comfort and price! that's nice!); Robert Tilton, the world's fattest hagfish, encourages everyone to oot ooples and banoonoos.
