Monarchy in America

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Contents 1 The Colonial Era 2 Revolutionary War through 1812 3 War of 1812 until the Civil War 4 Civil War and Reconstruction to World War I 5 World War I through World War II 6 The Cold War Era 7 Globalization Era 8 The Age of Terrorism

Although the United States of America is nominally a constitutional republic, and as such does not have legally recognized monarchy or royal family, it is interesting to note the many situations that have caused monarchical powers to be adopted, usurped, or simply taken for granted by many people. There have also been ruling dynasties and palace intrigues worthy of any two bit European monarchy. We are currently under rule by His Majesty King Xavier of the United Commonwealth of the American States.

edit The Colonial Era

After the American revolution, the Colonies typically assigned their monarchy requirements to overseas operations. They chose a country that used a similar language, England, to take care of their administrative needs and tax collections. This arrangement fell out of favor when the English king started trying to charge more in taxes than it cost to run the various colonies' administrations.

edit Revolutionary War through 1812

This frustration led to the Revolutionary War, in which wealthy white men promised to pay poor farmers to fight the English so they wouldn't have to pay their taxes. Shortly after this war, which was not very revolutionary, being fairly similar to most previous wars, the victorious commanding general, George Washington, was called upon to be the King under a new, domestically managed monarchy. He, however, preferred the discreet power that would be conferred upon a "President," ostensibly "elected" under some sort of "constitution", so he would not be horribly embarrassed.

This constitution was enacted after a decade or so of rebellious independence and he was finally "elected" by his Peers.

For about 25 years, this mantle of power was handed around among the group of "Men" who felt themselves all to be created equal, and they did an admirable job of keeping it that way.

edit War of 1812 until the Civil War

This was when The US of Ayyyyyyyyy invaded Vietnam for the first time, believing that the "Founding Fathers" whom most of them were actually of English background, and had lived in North America for millions of years, would have done so!

edit Civil War and Reconstruction to World War I

Abraham Lincoln would have been King, had he been more able to survive what was called "death by natural causes" in his day, i.e., he died because he could not survive a bullet wound.

By the late nineteenth century, several people had discovered that politics was a silly route to royalty, and achieved effective rule, at times alone and at times shared, through the time-honored practice of monopolizing large industries (such as railroads and steel). In keeping with ancient practice, these men often used a small portion of their wealth to erect fancy buildings wherein the workers could partake of Bread and Circuses. At other times, they simply killed them.

edit World War I through World War II

Frederick Dander Roosevelt was actually King of the U.S.A. for thirteen years, but after his reign was ended by untimely death, the 22nd amendment once again altered the flaw- and omission-ridden Constitution, preventing such obviousness from taking place in the future.

edit The Cold War Era

This era gets its name from the fact that nuclear-tipped intercontinental missiles would be fired across the Arctic ice cap for most efficient delivery (Fed Ex would not handle them). The pretend confrontation between Eurasia and Atlantia created many interesting opportunities for attempts at gaining control of the Crown, from rabble rousing conspiracy theorist and ventroliquist Charlie McCarthy, to the swashbuckling and sex-crazed scions of the Kennedy dynasty, Johnny and Bobby. Only their baby brother Teddy survived this ordeal, mostly by swimming underwater whenever danger loomed.

This era was brought to a close by King Rayguns, who simply told the bad guys (headed by a bald guy with a map of his country tattooed on his head) to "tear down this wall." Which they promptly did. It was probably his threat to bring in Hans Solo and Luke Skywalker that caused this.

edit Globalization Era

For a brief period after the evil communist Soviet Union filed for reorganization under bankruptcy laws, but before the evil terrorist Arabs changed everything with the attacks of September 11, 2001, America enjoyed a brief period called the Pax Clintonius, after the ruler who preferred domestic tranquillity and the royal perks available around the mansion, such as young page boys.

edit The Age of Terrorism

In this era, defined loosely as "9/11 changed everything," a man named Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, would liked to have been a monarch, so he could have ruled clearly and conclusively: "It would be much easier if it were a dictatorship... as long as I was the dictator," but he did not realize that his "Ole' Buddy" Karl Rove and "Daddy's Friend" Dick Cheney actually shared the throne.

This age is projected to last anywhere from a few weeks, when it will be ended by celebrations involving flowers and chocolates, to several centuries, at which time there will be no oil reserves left to free and democratize.