Molotov cocktail
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
However, according to recent developments in chronology, it may be that it's always Tuesday somewhere. Until all the facts are in, please hold your breath while reading this article.
“I do not drink anything else.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Molotov cocktail
Contents |
[edit] History
Originally invented by a Frenchman, the elusive recipe for the Molotov cocktail was later stolen by a street urchin from the Soviet Union (when it was still the Soviet Union) and smuggled back across (several) borders. Upon returning to the USSR, the beggar traded his secret for a loaf of rye bread. The bartender, a man by the name of "Hairy Jim Vladovich", sat down to mix the drink. Halfway through the process, however, he was distracted by a loud noise in the backroom. While he went to check on it a wounded soldier stumbled in, grabbed the drink, and downed it to ease the pain. By the time Hairy Jim came back the soldier had spontaneously combusted. He topped up the cocktail and named it "Molo" after the fallen man, whose dog tags had miraculously survived. Over time the named morphed to Molotov (due to drunken word slurrage) and is now enjoyed at only the best four star hotels.
[edit] The Myth
Contrary to popular belief, the Molotov cocktail was not invented by the love goddess Thor as a Christmahanukwanzica present to Bill Gates. The tale has led to the steadily growing consumption of the Molotov during the winter holiday season.
[edit] How it is made
Take one large glass bottle of your choice and add fill a third of the way to the top with whiskey or the strong spirit of you choice, then add petrol to the mixture so that the bottle is a third of the way full, then take one bar of soap and use a cheese grater to gate the bar of soap till you have turned at least one third of the bar into shavings then put a funnel into the bottle and add soap shavings to the mixture. For a fuse use a length of rag soaked in alcohol or the incendiary liquid of your choice bearing in mind that both the length of the rag and the fluid used will dictate how quickly the Molotov will ignite. Stuff the rag tightly into the bottle to prevent gas of liquid escaping.
[edit] Recipe
1. Mix the zest of a lemon, an orange and a pineapple in a filthy glass.
2. Pour in two tablespoons of skimmed milk[1].
3. Wait for milk to curdle (5-9 days depending on altitude).
4. Add generous helping of malt whiskey.
5. Pour over ice and stir.
6. Serve cold.
[1] NOTE: For a more traditional approach, replace milk with vodka and serve shaken, not stirred.
[edit] Alternative theory
[edit] History
The origins of Molotov cocktail have been subject to great controversy in recent years. The latest and most widely accepted theory by Al Gore stipulates that Molotov cocktail is in fact a viscous and not odorless heterogenic solution used to preserve human, and less commonly animal parts. It was first discovered by Russian librarian and 54th husband of Elisabeth Taylor, Grigori "Pants" Molotov. It was used extensively in the Second World War to transport deceased Red Army soldiers to Moscov Grand Imperial Circus to be used as props. Due to severe shortage of food on the Eastern Front the field kitchens were free to be utilized for this purpose. Surprisingly only isolated cases of eating were reported.
[edit] Chemical properties
To make Molotov cocktail one only needs a bathtub, a shovel, a private pilots licence and the following industry standard substances:
- 2 metric tons of contact lens liquid.
- No more than plenty of hair conditioner.
- Half a barrel of Brent Crude.
- Lots of Love
[edit] Usage
Due to soaring price of oil these days the most common use of Molotov cocktail is for celebrities to preserve their pets. It was also successfully pioneered in the Eighties for embalming of famous statesmen. Lenin Mausoleum is in fact a giant aquarium filled with Molotov cocktail. Because of inherent instability of the Molotov cocktail the body has to be taken twice a week to an aquatic city beneath the Mausoleum to be undressed and immersed in stem cells extracted out of dead mafia bosses.
