Miyavi

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Miyavi
Img0004vh7
You were thinking it was a girl, weren't you?
Background information
Also known as Miyavi, 雅-MIYAVI- 382 TOKYO, Miyabi, MYV, Meev, Dr. M, DJ MIYAVI, DJ 382, Santa Claus, Miyaji, Japanese Samurai Guitarist, Not-Aoi, that guy, Wrong Miyagi, Hayden Panettiere, OMFGMIYAVIIII
Born September 14, 1981 (1981-09-14) (age 32)
Origin Konohana-ku, Osaka, Japan
Genre(s) Pop
Visual Rock
Occupation(s) Musician: Singer, Songwriter, Scientologist, Record Producer, Dancer, Actor, Deity.
Instrument(s) Guitar, electric sitar, shamisen, gigpig, piano, Greyson Michael Chance
Years active 1999–present
Label(s) EMI Music Japan
Associated acts S.K.I.N., Dué le Quartz
Website www.myv382tokyo.com
Notable instrument(s)
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Miyavi.
“Miyavi desu~!”
~ Miyavi on himself
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII MIYAVI-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN KAWAIIII DESU NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~!!!!!!!11!1!!!ONE!11!!!!”
~ American J-rock fangirl on Miyavi video comments
“Whoops. My bad.”
~ Gackt on the conception of Miyavi
“GGRRROAAAAAAAAAAWRRR”
~ Unnamed Togodura on the above quote
“She's hot. Oh...wait.”
~ Straight men on Miyavi
Img0004vh7

You were thinking it was a girl, weren't you?

Miyavi (also known as Miyabi, 雅-MIYAVI- 382 TOKYO, that-one-guy-who-looks-like-Aoi-from-The GazettE, Japanese Samurai Guitarist, M, MYV, Meev, and briefly Santa Claus) is known to humanity as a self-proclaimed rock star as well as CEO of J-Glam, Inc., but in reality, is the result of Gackt crossbreeding with a Togodura (or Sealeo, depending on whether or not you’re from the Kanto region and are an expert Pokemon trainer) and a wood elf. At birth he was given super guitar powers by hide after he had lost a bet and realized that the world desperately needed a new metro sexual guitarist to keep up the name of Japanese-Solo-Artists-That-Are-Kinda-Decent. He was also intended to be The GazettE’s secret weapon against Scientologists, but it became apparent Miyavi was disinterested in his mission after his shotgun wedding with the secret weapon of the Scientologists, melody.

Bouncywikilogo7
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Miyavi.

edit Basic Information

  • Name: Ishihara Takamasa
  • Birth Place: Not sure; however, it is rumored that he was born in the Northern Crater, much like where Jenova crashed into the planet and killed the Ancients.
  • Date of Birth: 1981.09.14 (That's September 14th, 1981 in NIHONGO).
  • Blood Type: MYVDESU9000.
  • Height: TALL. (6'1", which is unnatural for an Asian.)
  • Ethnicity: Japanese, Korean, Togodura.
  • Status: Married to melody. Ishihara, and father of Airi Raviri LOVELIE MIYAVI Ishihara III, Esquire.

edit Early Life

Myv16ey

Miyavi, complete with baby seal fat.

Nine months after Gackt had a one-night stand with a Togodura on New Year’s Eve, he awoke from a nightmare one September morning in Osaka to find a baby swaddled in a tattered Marukai bag asleep in front of his hotel room. Disheartened that this baby did not have a lightning bolt on his forehead and therefore was not Harry Potter, he quickly stuffed him into a picnic basket and dropped him into the nearest river. Somehow this picnic basket ended up in Konohana-ku, which is a district in Osaka, and was found by a severely beaten prostitute who was left starving on a street corner. After debating on whether or not to eat the sleeping bundle of meat suddenly in front of her, she decided to keep it, and called the child Ishihara Takamasa.

Growing up, Miyavi wanted to be a doctor, soccer player, and a woman, but after breaking his leg in a freak accident with a tomogachi, banana phone, and a soccer ball when he was seven, he gave up on his goals and decided he would rather become a musician because they made more money than doctors, soccer players, and women. Originally he wanted to learn bass because it is easier, but he learned bassists are ignored by society and are considered inferior. He decided instead to learn basic guitar and somewhere got the idea that he could sing as well. However, due to his seal-Pokemon genes it sounds no different than a seal being curbstomped while mating. Since he was gifted with an oddly beautiful face, no one had the heart to tell him otherwise and encouraged his singing.

edit Due le Quartz

On Feb 29 1997, after a friend of Miyavi’s decided death would be a better choice than listening to Miyavi’s screeching seal-voice and died mysteriously, he decided to forever (or until 2009) abandon his origin as Takamasa Ishihara and took the name Miyabi. There is already an entire article on Dué le Quartz, so there is no need to expand on the band’s origin or time in the music industry. Historians as well as Co-Miyavi (a gaggle of 12 year old obsessed fangirls) have documented this day as the re-invention of visual kei.

edit The Many Evolved Forms of Miyavi

Being part Pokemon, Miyavi has been through quite a number of evolutions. These evolutions include:

  • -“Miyabi”: The base evolution of Miyavi. Miyabi are usually seen with black lipstick, black hair with white streaks, a lip piercing, eyebrow piercing, nose ring, and wearing a tight-fitting leather dress.
Loljbk

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Jibun Kakumei will kill you.

*-“Jibun Kakumei-mon”: Often wears a large white hoodie for protection, carries a bat, and has blue and black hair.
  • -“Oresama-mon”: Oresama-mon have black and blonde hair, but have been reported as extinct due to the fact that they were created when Miyavi accidentally discovered he could travel through time, as well as act.
  • -“MYV*POPS-mon”: Also known as Itoshii hito-mon. Not that different from typical Miyavi.
  • “Miyavizm-mon”: Has rainbow-colored hair in order to confuse predators. During this stage his super guitar powers peaked,

and he learned abilities such as mind control, confusion, attract, thunderbolt, and water gun.

  • -“NeoVisualism-mon”: Has spawned a vagina to confuse predators, as well as straight men. See: Transvestitism.
    • sub-evolution form of "ThisIsJapaneseKabukiRock-mon", which comes with a fan.
  • -“382 TOKYO-mon”: Species still being documented and therefore cannot be found in a Pokedex.

edit Oresama

During 2004, Miyavi did the time warp, and with a jump to the left and a step to the right, with his hands on his hips and his knees brought in tight, transported himself to 1984. Several black holes were created in space during this event, and this area in space has since been noted as where Bristol Palin is said to have gotten pregnant. This was later considered a ploy by Miyavi to get Obama into office. He created a band and met himself in the past, and had the entire experience documented on film; though for some reason there are fifty gazillion versions of subtitles and no one knows the true dialogue spoken between Miyavi and the year of 1984.

edit Reuniting with Gackt (S.K.I.N)

After seeing the growth of his child and how he had influenced the hormonally crazed tweens of Japan, Gackt decided to recant his previous disappointment with Miyavi not being Harry Potter and created S.K.I.N as a trap to lure him. Since Yoshiki is hide’s undisputed slave and hide told him he had better go along with Gackt’s plan because in some way hide had something to do with Miyavi’s existence, Yoshiki joined and managed to convince Sugizo to follow by bribing him with bananas and HYDE posters.

The trio contacted Miyavi and, after promising him chicken-and-chocolate-cake-flavored Pokeblocks, set up a meeting with him at the bassist of GazettE (Reita)’s apartment. During this meeting, it was revealed Gackt was the true father of Miyavi and that he was gifted by hide in order to be the secret weapon for Kai’s war against the Scientologists. Miyavi is said to have cried the entire time, and during this moment evolved into NeoVisualism Miyavi, which is not to be confused with ThisIzJapaneseKabukiRock-mon, even though they look the same. A little later S.K.I.N was formed as a super band to aid the GazettE’s quest, but ended up playing only one real concert. Since then, S.K.I.N has been an undercover operation minus Miyavi.

edit The Fall From Grace and Conversion to Scientology

After a dispute between Aoi and Uruha when Miyavi discovered they had used his guitar for their own sexual endeavors, Miyavi decided he was way too cool to be part of saving the world from the Scientologists’ takeover and ditched them to become a true solo artist/deity. It was during this time he met melody. through a mutual friend, who was really a Scientologist conspirator sent by Tom Cruise.

Upon discovering the wedding and pregnancy, he was stripped of his powers and kicked out of the magical gathering of Scientologist-intolerant J-Rockers. Realizing he was ostracized, in retort he created the New Church of Scientology, J-Glam Inc., and adopted his somewhat-birth name as the CEO of J-Scientology. As of now, experts have documented him traveling worldwide once more to spread the word of his newfound religion. He is now GazettE Public Enemy #2 (#1 being tied between Hitler and Tom Cruise.)

edit Antics

Miyavi is well known for engaging in fanservice. To date he has made out with Gackt, Maya from LM.C, Daigo Star, that guy, and a good fifty thousand other men. He can control the minds of dolphins and sperm whales. He has hypnotized the majority of teenage girls in Japan, America, Chile, the Czech Republic, and Germany. He is able to travel through time. He can also play guitar, gigpig, and shamisen, and can dance, which is considered to be pretty-friggin’-magical.

edit Personal Life

Myv

"It was all for you, Damien!"

On March 9th, 2009, Miyavi commited the ultimate sin in the eyes of the Japanese Entertainment Industry and his female fanbase when he broke away from the 12 year old girl theory and got married. Miyavi met his wife melody. during an interview while she worked at a TV and Radio Station for the Beliefs of Scientology, located in Tokyo's Red-light district. They got married when melody. was bloated with pregnancy fat and in her second trimester. Miyavi, unaware of the fact that melody. suffers from rare genetic mutation called hermaphroditism apparently believes the child is his own. The truth is Tom Cruise asked melody. to seduce Miyavi in order to bring his powers for the purposes of Scientology. So when Miyavi told her about his desire to create his own minime, melody. used this opportunity and tried to become pregnant. But when Miyavi completely failed, melody. lost her patience and secretly impregnated herslelf. They were wed in a small, undisclosed ceremony amongst friends and Scientologists, the relationship and marriage a complete secret from most J-rockers due to the fact Uruha would bring down the wrath of the Purple deity on them, and their numbers would be deleted from Reita's banana phone. Shortly afterward on April 5th, 2009, he announced his marriage to the public to much preteen dismay and anger, and then further announced that he had broken away from the magical gathering of Scientologist-intolerant J-rockers to become the super rock god deity MIYAVI ISHIHARA. This public announcement did incur Uruha's purple faction wrath and did result in Reita deleting their numbers from his banana phone.

Approximately four months later, their first child, Lovelie (read Rubberie) Miyavi Ishihara III, Esquire, was born. Historians and Wikipedia have documented this to be on the day of July 29th, 2009, at 4:40PM after twenty arduous hours of labor. But those among the religiously zealous documented it as The Day The Earth Stood Still and Armageddon, due to the fact that the baby is rumored to be Damien’s reincarnate. The baby has been accepted by Scientologists and Co-Miyavi Worldwide as their undisputed savior from Xenu and Cthulu. Given Pirate Ninja Grue Lawyer Mafioso Deathbomb Gore Bloodsucking Ultimate Vampire Batshit Crazy F-Bombing Granny powers at birth by Scientologist doctor Dr. Phil, LOVELIE (Rubberie) MIYAVI Ishihara III, Esquire, is now the next-in-line heir to the Mongolic, Japanese, and Korean thrones, as well as the frontrunner for the position of Sailor Moon in the Sailor Scouts and harbinger of unspeakable doom.

On October 21st, 2010, Miyavi dropped another bomb on the world with his second daughter, JEWELIE (BLUE) AOI. When asked to comment on the birth of his second child, he merely remarked that she was "back-up".

edit Discography

  • Gaga GOO (2002)
  • GO YOU~! (2003)
  • Miyavizm [Is Your Religion.] (2005)
  • MYV POOP (2006)
  • My Uvula (2006)
  • Seven Samurai Sessions Where I Pretend to be A Japanese Wigger. (2007)
  • This IZ Japanese Wigger Rock. (2008)
  • AZN PRAIDO KONPURASHION SHII DEE. (2008)
  • Room No.382 REMIKUSHU NO TEDDY ROID (2008)
  • Victory Road: Score One for Scientology! (2009)
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