Mitt Romney

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Mitt Romney in his work uniform

“A dog on the roof is worth two in the bush.”
~ Mitt Romney's words of wisdom
“He can't possibly beat Obama.”
~ Captain Obvious on Mitt Romney

Mittens Romney (born March 12, 1947) was once known as the leader of the Barney and Friends Club in the magical land of Faptopia. He is currently a Republican and a Moron- my mistake, I meant Mormon, with, er, 24 "main wives" (what an asshole!). He is best known for parading around his dick with his 2 dozen wives including the tallest one named RuPaul. He is also famous for decorating his many cars with live dogs strapped to various exterior parts of the car like the roof, trunk, bumpers, and undercarriage. In 2032 he plans to have an extra marital affair with the newest daughter of Paris Hilton which he plans to deny following the paternity test. He also plans to transform America in to "Romneyland", where everyone hangs a photo of his cock in their living room and pays a tax percentage of 69% if they are below the poverty line (which will be anyone who does not make more than 100,000,000 annually).

Early Mythology

Before entering politics Romney was a businessman in Petrograd, having served as CEO (Chief Execution Operator) of Brain & Company, an industrial firm known for dissecting Vietnam War veterans. His political start began during the financially unsteady 1980 Summer Olympics. He gained popularity in Stalingrad, a city known for being extremely boring, and was elected dictator-for-life in 1981. As dictator he confiscated the living quarters of 15 000 residents to make way for a moated castle complete with aircraft bays and private aquariums. He unashamedly admits to creating RomneyTM Brand Cigarettes, which, being made of inferior Afghan tobacco, is highly addictive and induced most of the adult population to become delirious morons. This venture was funded by His Holiness the Ronald Reagan and the National Rifle Association as part of a Pentagon plan to steal the secrets of hyper-efficient Soviet manufacturing. Khrushchev was unimpressed and, at gunpoint, Romney declined to run for reelection and announced a career change to international diplomacy.

Having escaped via the Bering Strait, Romney was resuscitated by an Inuit Shaman and spent three months hiding from the Canadian Secret Service. During this time, he learnt the importance of butchering helpless animals and was able to obtain compromising information concerning the Canadian Liberal Party by introducing Coca-Cola to the tribes of the Yukon. Eventually, he made his way to Utah, where he claimed to have experienced a epiphany. This led to his conversion to the High Church of Evil Capitalists and Lapsed Fat Cats. To contain the possible outrage that might result from this surprise change, he dedicated himself to the Church of Latter-Day Saints in his free time since he figured it would appear more sensible.

Now a faithful Republican (As the HCECLFC is publicly known), he decided to run for president in 2008. During his campaign, Romney was widely but incorrectly supported as a staunch conservative and ran on his business experience running a folded computer game kiosk in the outskirts of Vancouver during the fall of 2007. Romney fought a rough battle against Senator John McCain in Florida, Michigan, and other key states, but large losses on the Super Tuesday primaries ended his campaign. Romney dropped out of the race and reluctantly endorsed Senator John McCain on February 14, 2008. His name was circulated as a potential running mate for McCain as their relationship improved, though Sarah Palin eventually became the vice-president nominee since McCain was wary of his shadowy foreign connections.

Romney has supported many far left positions: Making tobacco sales a state monopoly, coercing millionaires into making bulk purchases of Chinese-manufactured, state-subsidised yachts and banning pet insurance. His professed closeness to the policies of Ronald Reagan has occasionally made people self-immolate with laughter during his speeches. This has been deemed 'Romflagration'. The lack of criticism of Romney by the lamestream media suggests that they want him to win so that they can all have a good laugh at Barack Obama's re-election party in November 2012.

Source of Strength

Mitt Romney, (some days he's known as Romney Mitt -- his name flip-flops, very much like his sulky balls) is widely acknowledged to be a strong contender for the presidency in 2012. His candidacy and campaign are similar to the book, The Simulacrum by Philip K. Dick, owing to the fact that Romney, like the president in the previously stated book, is a robotic android. His candidacy is also incredibly similar to The Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien because like Sauron, Mitt Romney has pledged loyalty to Morgoth the lord of darkness. Others, however, believe his candidacy is strong due to the fact that he is "smartish" according to him, stunningly handsome like a corpse, and really, really, really really, REALLY not gay. His great strength as a candidate lies in the fact that he is a Mormon, which is a strange form of Jellyfish-worship from another planet. He is a strong proponent of Mormocracy, a political system whose strength is based on the wearing of sacred brown underwear. In 1998, Romney donned his holy long johns and descended to earth, seeking to save it from the great liberal planet-eater, Ted Kennedy.

Mormnyeti

OMG! Mormon yeti!

As the superhero, Mr. Fantastic, Romney has the power to stretch parts of his anatomy. All Mormon elders possess this power, which is of course attributed to the sanctity of their undergarments.


Late in 2007, Mitt Romney set a Guinness Record by jerking off to Ronald Reagan 751 and a half times in 25 minutes. His love is Reagan is preceded only by his love for the Satanic rituals of the Mormon Church and reruns of The Facts of Life. He is currently employed as a taste tester for babies for the government. His favorite hobbies involve having sex with gay people while not being gay, which is one of his super powers. Mr. Fantastic goes home to his transexual wife, playfully dubbed, the Thing, usually played by Ann Coulter. When asked, Romney said, "No Comment, Homo lover." He is also a third cousin of Dr Phil.

Romney promises to annihilate entire galaxies when elected, opening a second Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp on the Planet Venus, due to his deeply held Mormon belief that the peoples inhabiting Venus pose a threat to our national security. He vows to fight them over there instead of here, which makes no sense to anyone who isn't Mormon.

Some researchers believe that Mitt Romney is the human embodiment of Mitramni, an ancient centipede warrior-goddess of the Zapotec religion. Mitramni was known for her aphotic black hair and piercing, emotionless stare. Although defeated by the 1520 Madrid Seahawks (the team that would eventually move to Seattle to become the modern day Seattle Seahawks) in Super Bowl -447 (historians credit the victory to the Seahawks' physical offensive line and quarterback Hernando Cortez's deft manuevers), an ancient prophecy dictates that Mitramni will one day return to establish the kingdom of Aztlán (English translation: AZT Land).

While some of his colleages merely get a thrill from kicking puppies, Romney most enjoys putting a dog on the rack and torturing it for 12 hours at a time. He says this helps him be reflective and prepare for those days he enjoys most -- when he gets to fire people.

Mitt on his Religion and Polygamy

During his 2008 presidential campaign, Mitt Romney can be seen lobbying and traveling with over 60 different women. When asked about this, Mitt commented "I like to switch 'em up." Mitt Romney is a hardcore Fundamentalist Polygamist Mormon and enjoys picking up chicks along the campaign trail and marrying them in the back of his Isuzu. Mitt has "religious" homes in Utah, Colorado, Idaho, and British Columbia, where he spends his time marrying different women and eating KFC. His religion is so Anti-Gay Marriage that Mitt said if he is elected president, he will kill any gay on the spot. He also said if he isn't elected president, he will kill any gay on the spot. In 2008, he was arrested after getting into a brawl with John Krakauer. When interviewed about this, Krakauer said: "I climed Everest, dammit!" In May of 2008, John Krakauer and Mitt Romney apparently made amends, but it is clear during video documentation that Mitt Romney said to John: "fuck your book."

Mitt Romney in Literature

In the classic novel “Cocks,” Casey Anthony, the daughter of a village middle-man, shows her interest in Mitt Romney in a roundabout way, but the thickskulled Romney fails to register her feelings. Her pride wounded, Casey begins to take out her anger on Mitt’s rooster, but Mitt does not understand that Casey’s harassment is a way of attempting to give him an erection. Casey then decides to set her rooster against Romney’s as a way of avenging her hurt feelings. Waiting until his house is empty, she sneaks into his house to start a cock fight. Her rooster is of a stronger stock and always wins against Romney’s rooster. Finding out what Casey has been up to, Mitt takes Casey’s rooster and locks it up in a cage. On his way back from gathering firewood in the mountain, Mitt sees Casey sitting amid camellias in bloom, casually blowing on a reed pipe, in a posture of phallic rusticity that presents a direct contrast to the bloody cockfight taking place under her nose. Unable to contain his anger any longer, Romney attacks Casey’s rooster, unwittingly killing it. If his bloody rooster had represented thus far in the story Romney’s inferior position vis-à-vis Casey, his attack on Casey’s rooster marks a turning point as he adopts an aggressive attitude for the first time in the story. The result of his action, however, makes Mitt fear the practical consequences; since Casey’s father is the middle-man, he might take their tenancy away in retaliation. Musing on such disastrous possibilities, Mitt breaks into tears. Casey, her anger mollified at the sight of Romney’s tears, promises to keep the entire episode a secret. An atmosphere of reconciliation is established between them as the story draws to an end. Falling together onto the bed of camellias in a chance embrace, the two bodies that have been at odds become immersed in nature as one; in the end Mitt Romney gets to bang Casey Anthony, but how many feathers had to fly?

RomneyLand

Mitt Romney has a long term "dream" that America is destined to transform into "Romneyland" under his presidency. In this world, attack ads are the only advertisements on tv since companies will gain the capability to shoot huge fucking lazers into the minds of citizens, causing them to take off their clothes and buy products until they owe their souls to credit card companies (which Romney will own). In Romneyland, there will be no sidewalks but instead 20 lane roads paved across every residential street. As a result, many people will lose their homes and will have to resort living in former lakes that would be drained by Romney himself (using the sucking skills that got him into Stanford). Subways will no longer run, but instead be turned into "old people scooterways". These scooterways will have no railings and cause many deaths (which will help the baby boomer medicare issue greatly); you must be at least 60 to ride on these scooterways. A picture of his cock is to be hanged in the living room of every citizen's home. As well, a video of him taking a giant shit must be viewed every morning while eating breakfast. Porn will be illegal, but catholic churches will be required to offer "hand job Sundays", where anyone under the age of 19 is allowed 5 free hand jobs every Sunday from a catholic priest. The Superbowl will be renamed the "Romneybowl9000", but will be very similar to the current Superbowl except everyone is required to bring a gun. All political debates will be modified and renamed "Shitdowns", where the debaters are required to consume laxatives and stack themselves on top of each other in a pyramid form. The frontrunner of the "Shitdown" is stacked on the top of the pyramid with other candidates under him. Whoever defecates first is ruled out as a "dumb fucker" as well as anyone who was unfortunate enough to be defecated on. It should be noted that the current form of the Republican Primary Debates is very similar to this, except debaters still use their mouths for shit (which is very dated). Romneyland Is not to be confused with Santorumland, where the church gets to cockslap anyone who is "not worthy of christ and creepy smiles".

Weakness

Ironically, Ted Kennedy is Romney's only weakness. During a great battle in 1994, Kennedy used a form of mind control over Romney, causing him to say stupid things. Kennedy then attempted to eat Romney, but Mitt was fortunately able to escape because of his magic underwear. After the battle, Romney was soon elected to the governorship of Massachusetts, where he spent four years fighting Kennedy's proxy warriors in the form of Teletubbies.

On Ted Kennedy's death in 2009, his final wish was for his brain to be donated to the "Make a Wish" Foundation, where it carries on the fight to this day, as evidenced by Romney's comment that he was "not concerned about the very poor" while campaigning for the office of President of the United States of America.

Olympic Campaign

Romney

Mitt Romney calls upon his Mormon power source to save the olympics.

Romney single-handedly saved the Winter Olympics when they were attacked by Democrats in 2002. The games were planned to be held in Salt Lake City, Utah, which is also a Mormon breeding ground. Senator John Kerry, who had battled Romney many times before in the People's Republic of Massachusetts, planned to drop a "Commie-bomb" on the olympic games Romney paid some turn your-head money to the Olympics committee, which would turn all of Salt Lake City's Mormons into Liberal Catholics that love NASCAR, and serve as a precursor to his presidential run of the Gaza Walk for Hunger. Romney obtained information about this plot, and immediately infected Kerry with a virus which turned him into a fickle cat who couldn't make up his mind and who was spineless. Kerry was then unable to decide whether or not to drop the bomb, and the olympics, along with the Mormons of America, were saved.

To help spread his word, he does the mormon rule of thumb when trying to influence people. He has his legion army go door to door trying to convince people. Here is the mormon army programmed guidelines.

  • 1. Knock on door twenty times.
  • 2. Peer through windows, even if small children are trying to hide.
  • 3. If you see anyone, dart back to door, and chew off doorknob.
  • 4. When they open the door, peel your eyelids back in hopes of hyponotizing them.
  • 5. Scream at them, at thirty billion decibels; "HEELLLLLLOOOOOOO!"
  • 6. Try to tell them that you need them in the worst way.
  • 7. When they close the door, begin catapualting their home with flamming bags of john Goodman's crap.

Confusion with Former Governor of Massachusetts

Mitt Romney, the Republican candidate for president, is the former governor of Massachusetts. There has been some confusion in the media recently because another politician by the same name was also the governor of the Soviet Socialist Republic of Massachusetts, before it broke off from the USSR and became the independent People's Republic of Massachusetts. This confusion has been the source of much slander against the Republican, because the stances of the two men are so diametrically opposed that if they were the same person then they would have no clear stance on anything. For example:

  • "Abortion is a good thing. My mother wanted to abort me but it was illegal at the time, so instead she died giving birth. It should have been me."
- Mitt Romney, Governor of Massachusetts
  • "Abortion is always murder. Abortion doctors should be tried and executed for what they do to innocent children. There is no excuse for it. Even if the mother's life is in danger, she should be willing to take the risk for the life of the child."
- Mitt Romney, Governor of Mexico
  • "Not only should gays get married, but ONLY gays should get married, and all straight people should be forced to have gay sex and marry people of the same gender. Being gay is the only way to go. In fact, that's why I'm gay."
- Mitt Romney, Governor of Massachusetts
  • "Gays are horrible evil people. They are worse than Satan. Anyone who has ever so much as had a gay dream should be strung up and executed on the spot. I will personally pistol-whip every queer in America if I'm elected."
- Mitt Romney, Governor of Mexico

Clearly, the two stances are irreconcilable and it's inconceivable that they would both have been uttered by the same man, unless he was a schizophrenic psychopath. The fact that they are actually two different people, however, explains the situation entirely and with no contradiction.

Future Cannibacy

20070415 cake001

Mitt Romney blows but has not yet made an issue of it.

Mitt Romney is the Resurrect Elect of the Mormon Party. Allowed by the state of Utah and Resurrect Joseph Smith. Currently he is running as a Republican for the presidential canidacy of 2008. One of Mitt Romney's issues is that as president he would offer an ammendment to the Constitution of the United States of America that will ban gay marriage, but will allow for plural marriage. Another of the key issues on his anti-gravity platform is that he would reduce funding for so-called or made up sanctuary cities, you decide 2008. Mitt Romney also has a strong stance in the hiring of illegal immigrant barbers because his money goes to his wives and can't afford a $450 haircut as does John Edwards that only has one wife. Mitt Romney also says that he has strong family values as do Protestants and would never have sex outside his marriage( bigoted bastards). In all Mitt Romney politician will flip-flop as hip-hop artist change labels. Mitt Romney believes that his moral authority given to him by the angel Moron and the profet from god and Joseph Smith will indeed let him prevail in the Republican National Party, you decide 2008.

Actually A White Guy

Joseph romney2

Mitt receives a special vision and a new commandment from God in a grove.

Mitt had always scoffed at the notion that he was white. "Ha ha brother homey, that's some trippin' jive." But the evidence was undeniable. He could not jump. He played golf. He could not dance. Every new move he tried resembled a grotesque fox trot. He wrote footnotes in school assignments. He listened to country music. He believed in ufos and space aliens, which of course, black people don't. Ultimately Mitt Romney found he was no longer welcome at the neighborhood barbershop. "Boy, you just take your Caucasian ass somewhere else." "But I'm not a Caucasian, brother-fellow!"

"Yes, you are, Mittens," said his mothers together, consolingly. "You see, son, you've been brainwashed," said his father George, "We all have." And thus Mitt gradually, haltingly, began to acquire the attributes of a genuine honky. He learned to complain about reverse racism, quotas and set-asides. He learned to equate monetary wealth with morals. He learned to notify the police when he saw a black man on his street, to discriminate against immigrants, and to lust for a position in a private equity investment firm.

Mitt never looked back. In 1994, he pulled the ultimate white-guy stunt, running as the right-of-center candidate in the Massachusetts Senate election against Ted Kennedy. Nobody was the wiser.

Lots of Money

In April 2007, Mitt Romney defied all expectations and rose more money than any other Republican contender for the White House, thusly proving the God of the Mormon Bible to exist. John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson immediately dropped out of the race upon hearing of Romney's divine success. All Democratic candidates, who don't acknowldge the existence of any God, continued their campaigns, but were doomed to inevitable failure because they are brown...Mitt Romney then became pope Palpatine and lived happily ever after until he starved to death for no apparent reason

Bizarro Theory

Some believe that Mitt Romney is not a human being, but rather a clone. When Lex Luthor cloned Superman, he instead got a strange being known as Bizarro--which looked like Superman, thought it was Superman, but for whom everything was backwards. Many speculate that Mitt Romney is the result of a failed attempt to clone Ronald Reagan. He looks like Reagan, thinks he is Reagan, but is sometimes prone to say things like, "I am pro-choice," and "I don't want to go back to Reagan-Bush." He is a fucking douchebag.

Candidates in the 2012 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

Mitt Romney | Rick Santorum | Newt Gingrich | Ron Paul | Herman Cain | Jon Huntsman, Jr. | Rick Perry | Michele Bachmann | Donald Trump

Democratic Candidates

Barack Obama | Joe Biden

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