Missouri

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National Flag: Jesusland
National Seal: Seal
Official language American English, But it is Law To Pronounce the word Wash "Warsh"
National Anime: Pokemon
Official Name: The Holy Federation Of Missouri, Macaroni Chapter
Government tipe: Hillbillyocracy
Motto: We're sorry. Show Me.
Principal imports: French Wine, Sake, Ducks, Sand, Boron gas, Blue Collar Comedy DVDs, Cocaine, Migrant workers, Mormons (aka Morons), Trailers, and whores.
Principal exports: Meth, Crystal Meth, Toasted ravioli, Toasted meth, the Cardinals, Chocolate meth, Tweakers, Chocolate flavored tweakers, Alcoholics, Corn, Beef, Soy, Amish pornography, RLDS Mormons.
Principal industries: Farming, Drugs, Crime, Religion, Lynching, Methamphetamine, Beer, Child Support.
“Come visit me here! We have a giant slide to heaven called the Arch”
~ QuasiEvilPrimate on St. Louis Architecture

The Holy Federation Of Missouri, or Missouri (commonly pronounced "mizzurah" or "misery") is a fully admitted member of the United States of America with only three major cities, that coincidentally are all miserable to live in. The river that runs through said land is also named Missouri. The name is derived from a Native American word meaning "Disgusting over-sized waterside polluted by fucking greedy pale-faced industrialists". It's also known locally as the Show me state, which, though it sits directly in the center of the Bible Belt, causes all citizens to be atheists. Missouri is also known to be Steven Colbert's favorite state after his home state of South Carolina. This is reaffirmed on May 28th, 2008 when Senator Jean Carnahan offered the Missouri state flag (shown right) to Colbert, and he accepted. Missouri's awesomeness now is 2nd only to the Independent Republic of Texas.

edit Geopolitical Information

The Administrative & Cultural capital and largest city is Kansas City which is home to the Kansas City Chiefs, the Kansas City Royals and other fundamentally challenged sports corporations. It's also Home to the Best Barbecue in the world (FUCK YOU TEXAS). Originally, after the war, the administrative capital moved around a lot for no apparent reason. They were: Branson (where cheap water parks and untalented bluegrass musicians will always be), Jefferson City (where the state prison used to be), Liberty (where nothing has ever been), and Saint Charles (where some casinos are now).

Saint Louis is the financial capital of Missouri and is home of the Saint Louis Cardinals, Saint Louis Rams, Saint Louis Blues, and other sports corporations. It's also the hometown of Anheuser-Busch, Emerson Electric, and Ralston Purina. Also, it should be noted that Saint Louis is home to the Missouri stock market and is the source of the crime of Missouri... Well that and cows. Lots and lots of cows. (There are no cows in St. Louis, you idiot! Yaks roam the city streets there, as they have for thousands of years!)

Missouri also contains the engineering capital of the United States, Rolla. Rolla contains nothing of importance other than the campus of the Missouri University of Science and Technology, formerly University of Missouri-Rolla, formerly Missouri School of Mines, and a couple (+/-1) of easy girls, where over nine thousand students all force themselves to learn engineering tactics while getting as drunk as possible. University of Missouri eats money, no matter what the applicant circumstances are, all they want is your money. They don't care if you are eligible or not, they want the application fee, be aware, they are racist and discriminate against foreign passport holders.

Springfield is the crime, death, gang, and snob capital of Missouri, and happens to be the place where crystal meth was invented. It was originally known as "hard candy" and if any white folk sold it it would be known as "white chocolate".

Fulton is the retard, dumbstruck, national criminally insane storage facility. Home to two universities, a school for the deaf and a nuclear facility. Wal-Mart uses Fulton to test their toxic toys and kitchen implements. Fulton was Ronald Reagans birthplace before the cyborg operation, and Winston Churchill went to college there. His roommate, was Harry Truman.

Columbia is currently being studied by scientists as the place where so many groups hate each other yet have not collapsed into all-out civil war. No one knows why the townies hate the agriculture students, the ag kids hate the journalism students, the J-schoolers hate the hippies, the hippies hate the punks, the punks hate the Greek kids, the Greek kids hate the hipsters, the hipsters hate Zou Crew, Zou Crew hates the Antlers, the Antlers hate the Christian fundamentalists and the fundies hate all of them. Maybe it's the alcohol and the massive, seething reviling of Kansas that keeps them all together.

Kennett is known as "the hole in the ground" and serves as the front-most battle line between Arkansas and Missouri.

St. Joseph is the cocaine capital of Missouri, however, the citizens of the city are quite tired of pretending to be serious when they wield the Confederate flag, and may secede. This will cause a sudden drop of heart rate in Missouri, due to the lack of cocaine. St. Joseph is also know for its almost legendary consumption of alcohol. And it is home of the only television station the state of Missouri has, KQ2.

Mound City/Craig Missouri is the known supplier of all things redneck for that part of the state and the main Missouri ginger/redhead breeding ground. Therefore, it is known for having the lowest rate of souls in the state. And while they don't take well to outsiders or even fellow Missourians, they have been known to occasionally accept a St. Joseph resident although most are never heard from again.

Maryville is right on the Iowa border and flood water runoff has led to mass mental retardation in this part of the state. The 3 restaurants this college town has are over-infested with Migrant Workers who routinely have shoot-outs in the kitchens of said establishments. Most college students here drink Steel Reserve and drown themselves in misery because 90% of the student body has a form of chlamydia they openly embrace as the "Bearcat Clap".

Bethany, also known as Methany, is located at the most northern part of state and is known as the "great escape" to serial killers, rapists, General Mills Cereal characters, killer jesus, Osama Be Ladin, that X-treme Goldfish, Oprah 2.0, and the characters from My Name is Earl come to get away from the difficulties of city life. Here the "smarter" citizens collect themselves in small groups and catapult their feces over the Missouri/Iowa border and have massive inbred sex. This unfortunately gives you retarded babies that eat sand and kill small woodland creatures. It was once rumored that Big foot took a dump in this very town after having rough anal sex with his girlfriend Fuzzy Balls.

Warrensburg owns and is home to the Best BBQ (and most frequent source of food poisoning) in Missouri - Perry Fosters. Many make a yearly pilgrimage to Warrensburg to drink Natty underage, get shot up on Pine Street, and to set foot upon the academic mecca of the University of Central Missouri. The Mules and Jennies boast the one athletic program of any note in the state of Missouri.

edit Conflict

Missouri has stated that they are "mostly harmless", but a concern that the UN has brought up is Missouri's troubled relationship with Kansas. The conflict has become blurred, but some say that on January 13, 1992, a full-of-themselves Johnson County, Kansas man of the normally great city of Prairie Village was shoveling snow when he threw some over the State Line road on to a Missouri man. The Missouri man started cursing when his wife came out and prepared to cross the road to shout at the man, but in the middle of the street, was struck by a swerving diesel truck which then rammed into a Missouri man's house. The truck driver, being a Kansan, caused everyone to come out of their houses and start fighting. The fighting turned into lighting things on fire and soon a fire was raging. A military truck was brought in but some Kansan 6 year olds went up and torched the truck. Several Apache helicopters were brought in as both sides were lowered to DEFCON 2. The helicopters were shot down on both sides by anti-air missiles hidden under a Missouri doghouse. The explosion produced air tremors that caused Pan Am flight 2048, an Airbus A310 to ram into the roadway causing massive carnage. Missouri then launched its new, experimental tornado gun ripping houses off their frames and throwing them all the way to Peoria.

And to think that just 3 inches of snow caused this.

edit Military

MoDOT serves as the border patrol by blocking all major roadways into state with orange barrels. The water ways are defended by two captured vessels: the USS Missouri which patrols the Missouri river and the USS Ronald Reagan which sits in party cove in the Lake of the Ozarks. The rest of the naval forces consist of machine gun mounted jet skis and turreted speed boats. The air force consists of refurbished Midwest Air Lines MD 88s (equipped with a carpet bomb payload and heat seeking missiles), 747s (equipped with bunker busters and tomahawk missiles) and the Channel 4 news copter refitted with two mini-guns and a standard missile launcher, all based out of KCI. The rest of the air force is made up of what was left at Whiteman Air Force Base after the battle of July 1st (of which Missouri was the only surviving state). The general ground troops consist of well equipped crazed NRA members and hillbillies. It should also be noted that Missouri is the world's second largest nuclear super power with a surplus of over 500 Minuteman warheads in its stock pile.

Also, Missouri is home to the deadliest fighting force in the universe: The NINJA MARINES. Once, in World War II, 1 NINJA MARINE killed an entire German Tank Division. It was described as, "Teh NINJA MARINE pwned a11 the German n00bz." The rest of the citizens sit around and fire off their skin pistol at anything that moves.

edit Notable Citizens

  • Harry S. Truman - So far the only US President that has had the testicular fortitude to drop the "big one" on our enemies and make them glow-in-the-dark. Harry grew up on a rural Missouri farm. It's said this early life shoveling horse shit did much to prepare him for dealing with Congress.
  • Mark Twain - Born Samuel Clemens, this irresponsible author has filled millions of impressionable young minds with tales of childhood pranks, and river rafting. Thousands of young boys have died in the last 150 years trying to emulate Huck Finn by floating down the Mighty Mississippi. And yet thousands more boys & girls have perished after becoming lost in caves.
  • Walt Disney - It was in Missouri that his hatred for the Jews and re-assertion for traditional gender roles was reinforced and he channeled this into making cartoons about mice that could brainwash children worldwide.
  • Stan Musial - They called him The Man because he won 10 World Series by himself and slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain - yesterday.

edit Population and Demographics

Farmer earl

A bootlegger from Arkansas stealing Missouri corn for a batch of mash.

The population of Missouri was roughly 1 billion in 2000. However, due to the very large diversity issue in the nation, the government is deciding on whether or not to count anyone different than rich, white, Republican, non-human/sheep hybrid, Christian humans. This policy has been thought to be in existence even before Missouri became a nation. See the diversity of the nation below...

Missouri is populated by farms, casinos, suburbs, Wal-Mart branches, soccer moms, Mennonites, cows, truckers, rednecks, drug dealers (lots of drug dealers), overpaid baseball players, Bible-thumpers, crack whores, inbreds, headcrab zombies, a pet cerberus that runs wild in Kansas City, and the occasional human/sheep hybrid.

edit Weather and Calendar

edit Weather

The weather in Missouri is often described as messed up. It is also muggy as all hell. The winters tend to be similar to that of Antarctica with blizzards and -40 degree wind chills. Many Missourianinites are too weak to survive the winter, resulting in a yearly mortality rate of 30% - 50%. The only relief from winter is the onset of spring, which is not really one season but all four wrapped in to one. On a typical spring day one will experience early morning snow followed by a few hours of sun light, a thunderstorm producing tornadoes, blazing heat and humidity, and finally freezing rain and snow at nightfall. The hell that is a Missouri Summer consists of heat stroke victims, drought, boating accidents and fist fights at the "Beaumont" in Kansas City. When it does eventually rain the possibility of yet more tornadoes is 90%. Autumn is generally gray and rainy; this is Missouri's wet season. It will only stop raining when it starts snowing.

edit The Calendar

Missouri's Calendar is filled with many Holidays and yearly events.

  • January 1st New Years Eve
  • February Valentines Day
  • March 17th Saint Patrick's Day (The Mardi Gras of the Midwest)
  • April 13-17 Spring Break. Also the 16th is the permanent date of Easter on the Missouri Calendar.
  • May 8th Barbecue Day (a.k.a. Nobody Knows It's "Truman Day" Day)
  • May 10th French Foreign Legion Recruitment Day
  • May 11th Take Your Hamster To The Incinerator Day
  • May 15th Day Day
  • May 20th Chia Pet Day
  • May 25th Towel Day (Don't Panic)
  • June 1st School Stops, forever
  • June 28th Lewis and Clark Day
  • July 4th National Pyromaniac and Fire Day
  • July 5th National Fire Recovery Day
  • July 20th Trailer Appreciation Day
  • August 6th Missourian Labor Day
  • September 1st School Starts
  • October 30th The Freakers Ball
  • November 20th Missourian Thanksgiving Day (Also known as National Domestic Dispute Day)
  • November 24th Independence day
  • December 13th-25th Christmas
  • December 90th Bass Pro Shop Day
  • Sunday Religious indoctrination services

edit Fun-ish Facts

  • No Asian has ever been seen in Missouri outside of a mall or Oriental restaurant; or an UMKC, AEL, or UMR class.
  • It is technically legal to strike any jaywalking pedestrian with your vehicle, provided they are not white, not Christian, or crossdressing.
  • If the bottom three counties in Iowa ceded to Missouri, both states average I.Q.'s would increase.
  • It is a well known fact that people from Kansas City hate people from St. Louis and people from St. Louis hate people from Kansas City. The exact reason why is unknown but it is believed that "St. Louis started it!" However this was responded to by saying "Kansas City's touching me!"
  • Cardinals fans are dicks. Royals fans are drunk.
  • Mexico, MO is named for Mexico and a helluvalot Mexicans live there.
  • Missouri is the envy of all rednecks in Arkansas. (And their sisters/wives who happen to be the same person)

edit Missourian Obsession With Fire

Ever since the dawn of Missouri its inhabitants have been actively obsessed with fire. Fredericktown Missouri Middle School was burnt down by 3 learning disabled bears in late April of 2010, resulting in students having to go to a church for "school" and definitely not the indoctrination to overthrow Obama Administration.

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