Missouri
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“St. Louis and Kansas City are the Israel and Palestine of the Midwest”
~ Oscar Wilde on the constant bickering between Kansas City and St. Louis
“Come visit me here! We have a giant slide to heaven called the Arch”
~ QuasiEvilPrimate on St. Louis Architecture
“Why would Rolla be the gymnastics capital of Missouri?”
~ Shannon Miller on Rolla, Missouri
“You can put me in the cold river bottom than have me represent that dreaded place called Missouri”
~ Grandpa Simpson with his 49-star flag used for Homer Simpson's video
| National Flag: | 
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| National Seal: | 
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| National Flower: | Fire Flower. | |
| National Bird: | The Canadian | |
| Official language | American English, But it is Law To Pronounce the word Wash "Warsh" | |
| National Anime: | Pokemon | |
| Official Name: | The Holy Federation Of Missouri | |
| Governmet tipe: | Hillbillyocracy y'all! | |
| President: | Ryoko Hakubi Where is he? | |
| Archbishop: | His Holiness Matthew Blunt | |
| Administrative Capitol: | Kansas City | |
| Financial Capitol: | St. Louis (also the crime capitol) | |
| Gymnastics Capitol: | Blue Springs Rolla | |
| Religious Capitol: | Independence, also the Drug Capitol | |
| National Anthem: | Purple Rain by Prince | |
| National Motto: | We're sorry. | |
| Declaration of independence: | November. 24, 1298 | |
| Currency: | The Midwest Yen (Example: | |
| Principal imports: | French Wine, Sake, Ducks, Sand, Boron gas, Blue Collar Comedy DVDs, Cocaine, Migrant workers, Mormons (aka Morons), Trailers, and whores. | |
| Principal exports: | Meth, Crystal Meth, Toasted ravioli, Toasted meth, the Cardinals, Chocolate meth, Tweakers, Chocolate flavored tweakers, Alcoholics, Corn, Beef, Soy, Amish pornography, RLDS Mormons. | |
| Principal industries: | Farming, Drugs, Crime, Religion, Lynching, Methamphetamine, Beer, Child Support. | |
| Fun Fact # 1: | The city of Liberty was the original capital of Missouri. | |
| Official Sandwich: | Burnt Ends Sandwich and the Poor Russ |
The Holy Federation Of Missouri, or Missouri (commonly pronounced "mizzurah" or "misery") is an independent country with only three major cities, that like 12 year old sisters, hate each other. The river that runs through said land is also named Missouri. The name is derived from a Native American word meaning "Disgusting oversized waterside polluted by fucking greedy pale-faced industrialists". It's also known locally as the Show me state, which, though it sits directly in the center of the Bible Belt, causes all citizens to be atheists. Missouri is also known to be Steven Colbert's favorite state after his home state of South Carolina. This is reaffirmed on May 28th, 2008 when Senator Jean Carnahan offered the Missouri state flag (shown right) to Colbert, and he accepted. Missouri's awesomeness now is 2nd only to the Independent Republic of Texas.
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[edit] Geopolitical Information
The Administrative & Cultural capital and largest city is Kansas City which is home to the Kansas City Chiefs, the Kansas City Royals and other fundamentally challenged sports corporations. It's also Home to the Best Barbecue in the world (FUCK YOU TEXAS). Originally, after the war, the administrative capital moved around a lot for no apparent reason. They were: Branson(where cheap water parks and untalented bluegrass musicians will always be), Jefferson City (where the state prison used to be), Liberty (where nothing has ever been), and Saint Charles (where some casinos are now). Saint Louis is the financial capital of Missouri and is home of the Saint Louis Cardinals, Saint Louis Rams, Saint Louis Blues, and other sports corporations. It's also the hometown of Anheuser-Busch, Emerson Electric, Ralston Purina and other Megacorporations. Also, it should be noted that Saint Louis is home to the Missouri stock market and is the source of the crime of Missouri... Well that and cows. Lots and lots of cows.
Missouri also contains the engineering capital of the United States, Rolla. Rolla contains nothing of importance other than the campus of University of Missouri-Rolla and a couple of easy girls, where over nine thousand students all force themselves to learn engineering tactics while getting as drunk as possible.
Springfield is the crime, death, gang, and snob capital of Missouri, and happens to be the place where crystal meth was invented. It was originally known as "hard candy" and if any white folk sold it it would be known as "white chocolate".
Columbia is currently being studied by scientists as the place where so many groups hate each other yet have not collapsed into all-out civil war. No one knows why the townies hate the agriculture students, the ag kids hate the journalism students, the J-schoolers hate the hippies, the hippies hate the punks, the punks hate the Greek kids, the Greek kids hate the hipsters, the hipsters hate Zou Crew, Zou Crew hates the Antlers, the Antlers hate the Christian fundamentalists and the fundies hate all of them. Maybe it's the alcohol and the massive, seething reviling of Kansas that keeps them all together.
Kennett is known as "the hole in the ground" and serves as the front-most battle line between Arkansas and Missouri.
St. Joseph is the cocaine capital of Missouri, however, the citizens of the city are quite tired of pretending to be serious when they wield the Confederate flag, and may secede. This will cause a sudden drop of heart rate in Missouri, due to the lack of cocaine. St. Joseph is also know for its almost legendary consumption of alcohol. And it is home of the only television station the state of Missouri has, KQ2.
Mound City/Craig Missouri is the known supplier of all things redneck for that part of the state and the main Missouri ginger/redhead breeding ground. And while they don't take well to outsiders or even fellow Missourians, they have been known to occasionally accept a St. Joseph resident although most are never heard from again.
Bethany, also known as Methany, is located at the most northern part of state and is known as the "great escape" to serial killers, rapists, General Mills Cereal characters, killer jesus, Osama Be Ladin, that X-treme Goldfish, Oprah 2.0, and the characters from My Name is Earl come to get away from the difficulties of city life. Here the "smarter" citizens collect themselves in small groups and catapult there feces over the Missouri/Iowa border and have massive imbred sex. This unfortunately gives you retarded babies eat sand and kill small woodland creatures. It was once rumored that Big foot took a dumb is this very town after having rough anal sex with his girl friend Fuzzy Balls.
[edit] Military
MoDOT serves as the border patrol by blocking all major roadways into state with orange barrels. The water ways are defended by two captured vessels: the USS Missouri which patrols the Missouri river and the USS Ronald Reagan which sits in party cove in the Lake of the Ozarks. The rest of the naval forces consist of machine gun mounted jet skis and turreted speed boats. The air force consists of refurbished Midwest Air Lines MD 88s (equipped with a carpet bomb payload and heat seeking missiles), 747s (equipped with bunker busters and tomahawk missiles) and the Channel 4 news copter refitted with two mini-guns and a standard missile launcher, all based out of KCI. The rest of the air force is made up of what was left at Whiteman Air Force Base after the battle of July 1st. The general ground troops consist of well equipped crazed NRA members and hillbillies. It should also be noted that Missouri is the world's second largest nuclear super power with a surplus of over 500 Minuteman warheads in its stock pile.
Also, Missouri is home to the deadliest fighting force in the universe: The NINJA MARINES. Once, in World War II, 1 NINJA MARINE killed an entire German Tank Division. It was described as : "Teh NINJA MARINE pwned a11 the German n00bz."
[edit] Notable Citizens
- Harry S. Truman - So far the only US President that has had the testicular fortitude to drop the "big one" on our enemies and make them glow-in-the-dark. Harry grew up on a rural Missouri farm. It's said this early life shoveling horse shit did much to prepare him for dealing with Congress.
- Mark Twain - Born Samuel Clemens, this irresponsible author has filled millions of impressionable young minds with tales of childhood pranks, and river rafting. Thousands of young boys have died in the last 150 years trying to emulate Huck Finn by floating down the Mighty Mississippi. And yet thousands more boys & girls have perished after becoming lost in caves.
- Your Dad
[edit] Population and Demographics
The population of Missouri was roughly 600 billion in 2000. However, due to the very large diversity issue in the nation, the government is deciding on whether or not to count anyone different than rich, white, Republican, non-human/sheep hybrid, Christian humans. This policy has been thought to be in existence even before Missouri became a nation. See the diversity of the nation below...
Missouri is populated by farms, casinos, suburbs, Wal-Mart branches, soccer moms, Mennonites, cows, truckers, rednecks, drug dealers (lots of drug dealers), overpayed baseball players, Bible-thumpers, crack whores, inbreds, headcrab zombies, a pet cerberus that runs wild in Kansas City, and the occasional human/sheep hybrid.
[edit] Weather and Calendar=
[edit] Weather
The weather in Missouri is often described as Fuck'd up. The winters tend to be similar to that of Antarctica with blizzards and -40 degree wind chills. Many Missourianinites are too weak to survive the winter, resulting in a yearly mortality rate of 30% - 50%. The only relief from winter is the onset of spring, which is not really one season but all four wrapped in to one. On a typical spring day one will experience early morning snow followed by a few hours of sun light, a thunderstorm producing tornadoes, blazing heat and humidity, and finally freezing rain and snow at nightfall. The hell that is a Missouri Summer consists of heat stroke victims, drought, boating accidents and fist fights at the "Beaumont" in Kansas City. When it does eventually rain the possibility of yet more tornadoes is 90%. Autumn is generally gray and rainy; this is Missouri's wet season. It will only stop raining when it starts snowing.
[edit] The Calendar
Missouri's Calendar is filled with many Holidays and yearly events.
- January 1st New Years Eve
- February There are no holidays in February.
- March 17th Saint Patrick's Day (The Mardi Gras of the Midwest)
- April 13-17 Spring Break. Also the 16th is the permanent date of Easter on the Missouri Calendar.
- May 8th Barbecue Day
- May 15th Day Day
- May 25th Towel Day (Don't Panic)
- June 1st School Stops, forever
- June 28th Louis and Clark Day
- July 4th National Pyromaniac and Fire Day
- July 5th National Fire Recovery Day
- July 20th Trailer Appreciation Day
- August 6th Missourian Labor Day
- September 1st School Starts
- October 30th The Freakers Ball
- November 20th Missourian Thanksgiving Day (Also known as National Domestic Dispute Day)
- November 24th Independence day
- December 13th-25th Christmas
- December 46th Bass Pro Shop Day
- Sunday Religious indoctrination services
[edit] Fun-ish Facts
- Springfield (Central High School), Missouri is home of the Nation's Worst High School Football Team Ever.
- No Asian has ever been seen in Missouri outside of an Oriental restaurant or an UMKC, AEL, or UMR class.
- It is technically legal to strike any jaywalking pedestrian with your vehicle, provided they are not white, not christian, or crossdressing.
- "Ain't" is somehow a word. So is "Cain't".
- If the bottom three counties in Iowa ceded to Missouri, both states average I.Q.'s would increase.
- Missouri lacks any sarcasm whatsoever. Yep.... no sarcasm in here, however you might find the occasional nuclear silo.. No sarcasm at ALL, no, for real.
- Missouri has dated your mom. Missouri did not call back for a follow up date and was overheard near the water cooler stating "I'm not into butter-faces. Although from behind she wasn't half bad." Missouri is a shallow jerk.
- It is a well known fact that people from Kansas City hate people from St. Louis and people from St. Louis hate people from Kansas City. The exact reason why is unknown but it is believed that "St. Louis started it!" However this was responded to by saying "Kansas City's touching me!"
- All Barbecue from Missouri is better than the Barbecue from Texas (which you can't really call Barbecue).
- Mexico, MO is named for Mexico and a helluvalot Mexicans live there.
- Columbia, MO is actually the center of the universe.
[edit] Things Missouri is Known For
- Rolla
- The home of the Hamilton family in The Hills of Home
- That one thing
- Beer
- Explosive Diarrhea
- Float trips & beer bongs
- Interrupting conversations with useless facts about cheese homogenization
- Missouri has displayed a penchant for using old pop-culture phrases such as "WHAAAAAAZZZZZUP!" and "You are the weakest link... GOODBYE!!" raising the ire of both Iowa and Kansas.
- Boating Accidents
- GSBLaX
- Meth lab incidents
- Barbecue
- Beer
- People that will never be on TV
- Deluded sports fans
- Sports fans made delusional by the consumption of beer
- An obscene amount of movie theaters and strip malls
- Homicidal American Indians
- White trash families attempting to achieve suburban mediocrity
- Second-rate theme parks.(See Worlds of Fun... go ahead see it then you will know what I am talking about)
- Child abuse
- The travels and adventures of Lewis and Clark
- A shitty hockey team
- Lynchings
- Party Cove
- Beer
- KKK
- Ozarks
- Creeds
- Vulners
- Vulcreedos
- Beer
- Bass Pro Shops (Original)Where all rednecks of the world meet
- Volcanoes
- Moonshine
- Consumes more beer and whiskey per capita than any other state.
- Steroid Abusing Baseball Players
- Beer
- Fat cops
- Catfish in it's rivers to be bigger than a Killer Whale.
- The Simpsons family
- 12-year old Governors like Matt Blunt.
