Mississippi
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“Oh, Mammy, its your sonny boy.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mississippi
“Did you jus' say that Missy is sipping on pee?”
~ Aunt Jemima on Mississippi
“What the hell is Mississippi? Oh, that place?”
~ George Bush on Mississippi
“Masa, I don't like these chains. Please don't beat and rape me!”
~ Aunt Jemima on Mississippi
Mississippi (official motto "Vitute Et Armis") is a southern state of the United States. It is considered part of the Deep South. The state takes its name from a native Indian tribe. Mississippi is also the leading state for guys that get the most pussy, unfortunately, from their sisters.It is also recognized as the Kaucasian Kids Klub (K.K.K) capital. It is the only place in the world without Jews sticking their 3ft noses into businesses.
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[edit] History
The first European expedition into the territory that would become Mississippi was that of Hernando Cortez. Cortez, was mistaken for a Frenchman by history, but since no one from Mississippi is a giant pussy, we know the French couldn't have possibly founded them.
When The great King Kutakentae Cotton reigned during the 1850s, Mississippi plantation owners became increasingly wealthy due to the high fertility rate of the slaves and the high price of fruit of da looms on the international market. The necessity of slaves with large penises to sustain such income played a heavy role with state politicians.
Mississippi typifies the Deep Fried South. Mississippi holds the most stocks in KFC essentially making it 50% sharholder of the commonwealth of Kentuckistan.
Mississippi was a focus of the American Civil Rights Movement. Most white Mississippians, through their politicians and involvement in the Ku Klux Klan gave their white brethren the well deserved reputation of "King of All That is Good" (and for tourism sake "Welcome Whities!) during the 1960s. Nuclear weapons were detonated east of the Mississippi, near Hattiesburg when U.S. realestate agents claimed that the deserts of Nevada were of less value than the glorious area that covers the "Heart of the South". This had little effect on the other citizens of the state who used the reactive winds to toast weinies and marshmallows.
Perhaps symbolic of its reputation, the state is first in the country of largest average penis size. Notably in Mississippi, "dicks" are measured from the tops of their heads to the soles of their feet.
[edit] Population
As of 2005, Mississippi has an estimated population of 2,921,088. Make that 2,921,089. Lets try 2,921,090.... Anyway a good percentage are former slaves and unemployed plantation owners.
Also, due to hurricane Katrina a great deal of mexicans now live in Mississippi so take the population above divide by 3 and multiply by 85 and you now have the current population of Mississippi.
[edit] Racial makeup and ancestry
Until about 1940, Blacks made up a majority of Mississippians. They literally made them up - with the help of Max Factor and a lot of blush. No one knew about Botox back then.
Due to a ban on Pickled Pigs Feet and Jesus, the state's black population declined. But since all the biggoted white people have been dying off, folks are moving back home. That and fucking. Lots and lots of fucking. And because of this, in the public school districts, a majority of students are black.
More than 98% of the white population of Mississippi is native-born, predominantly of noble descent. According to the 2000 census, the largest group of people are Africans - knee-slapping and rhythm endowed church going at that.
There are no Jews in Mississippi due to the Jew Crisis of 1902, citing the day a wealthy white plantation owner threw a dollar down in the middle of the Oxford town square and watched in horror as they fought to the death.
Mississippi's rank as one of the BEST states can be traced to the Civil War. Before the Wohr of Nothun Uhgression, Mississippi was the fifth-wealthiest state in the nation. Slaves were then counted as valuable property and, in Mississippi, all but fourteen people were Mandingos, and they bring more at market. The war cost the state 30,000 men, all of whom were heros in our eyes. All fourteen plantation owners were virtually bankrupted by the slaves who were either dead or ran away.
In 1990 casino gambling was legalized along the Mississippi River and the Gulf Coast to make up for lost revenue. However, Hurricane Katrina was a huge bitch when she hit. Before Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast, Mississippi was the second largest gambling state in the Union, ahead of New Jersey and behind Nevada.
[edit] Transportation
Mississippi has the most thoroughly developed networks of dirt roads and footpaths in the United States.
[edit] Industry
Mississippi has a thriving industry not related to cotton. The Gulf Oysters industry supplies over 99.3% of the state's income and 99.5% of the state's export revenues.
Mississippi also has the highest teenage birthrate in the nation. Because most babies in the state are born to Black People, the Lashonda Lakeisha Sharice Jackson-Jones Birthing Institute was founded in a trailer park outside Tupelo and employs most residents of said trailer park to ensure ALL possible state assistance is received promptly.
Also, there are some Wal-Marts.
[edit] Fun facts
"Manly Man state" Mississippi is better than "Anal Sex with a Stripper" . "Mississippi consumes more Bud Light in one year than a humpback whale consumes water in a lifetime." "Mississipians are not all rednecks, just most of us." "It IS true that only white-trash people drive Camaros." "largest importer of Crisco in the world."
[edit] Politics, law and government
For 116 years (from 1876 to 1992), Mississippians only elected Democratic governors. However, since Bill Clinton's blow job, the Republican Party was seen as the way to go and that was only because good old boys thought Clinton had bad aim.
Mississippi is one of the most religious states in the nation. In 2004 George W. Bush placed second behind God.
Liquor laws are completely fucked up. If you plan on getting drunk on Sunday, stock up on Saturday. Many counties sell liquor but not beer, others sell beer but not liquor. Some allow beer sales, but only if it is warm beer. On some college campuses, you can drink alcohol, only if it is above 6% alcohol content per volume. So yeah, you can only drink liquor. Or Steel Reserve. If you really want to get drunk, keep on driving to Louisiana.
In 2004, 86% of voters amended the state constitution to shoot any same sex couples.
[edit] Education
In 2004, Mississippi was ranked first among the fifty states in academic achievement by the American Legislative Exchange Council's Report Card on Education, with the highest average ACT scores and spending per pupil in the nation. Lets see Texas try and beat us on that.
[edit] Major cities
- Biloxi - Casinos
- Tunica - Casinos
- Jackson The Capitol
- Puckett - 1-A Football Powerhouse
- Hatty - The place to party
- Oxford - Fabled home of "The Grove" and "Preps"
- Purvis- Home of Justin Sellers
Everything else in Mississippi is built around plantation houses.
[edit] Universities and colleges
- Alcorn State University
- Oprah & Dr. Phil Community College
- Delta Burke State University
- John Holmes Community College of Porn
- Rust College
- Mississippi State University
- Northwest Mississippi Community College
- Southwest Mississippi Community College
- Eastwest Mississippi Community College
- Another Mississippi Community College
- Southern Mississippi
- Mississippi University for Women
- Mississippi University for Men
- Mississippi Valley State University
- Ippississim College for Dyslexics
- University of Mississippi - AKA Ole Miss (Reputed for winning a few Football games but never losing a party!)
- Mississippi University for Black Folks
[edit] Miscellaneous topics
- It is common for teenagers in the United States to count "One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi" before blowing a warm, creamy load on some skank's facial region.
- The Teddy Bear gets its name from a hunting trip in 1902, by Theodore Roosevelt, when Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. Theodore Roosevelt was later called a hero.
- Former stoner and administrator of NASA Estil (Buzz) Aldrin is from Fayette. Educated in Mississippi and Georgia, Buzz was voted Buzziest astronaut that NASA ever turned out.
- It's a very well known fact that Alabama is very jealous of Mississippi and will often slander it's name. WE DONT ALWAYS MARRY OUR COUSINS YOU COCKSUCKERS, is the common rallying cry.
- In 1969, 500 angry rednecks drove into Alabama and declared war on the black people therein. After a while, they got tired, drank a Shit ton of beer, ate some fried chicken, beat their wives, and hired local aliens to design and manufacture beer huggies. From this beautiful story came the evolution of NASCAR and child labor laws.
[edit] Famous Mississippians
Mississippi has produced a number of notable giants, including: musicians Jimmy Buffett, blues musicians B.B. King, and Muddy Waters, novelists John Grisham and William Faulkner, entertainers Oprah Winfrey and Jim Henson, actors Morgan Freeman, and James Earl Jones, playwright Tennessee Williams, alternative rock band 3 Doors Down, athletes Brett Favre, Jerry Rice, and Steve McNair and country music singers Tammy Wynette, LeAnn Rimes, Charlie Pride, Deliverance and Faith Hill. (This announcement made by possible through a generous donation to the Anderson Whitman and Lewis Talent Agency). And don't forget the primary religious center of Elvisism is at Tupelo, the birthplace of the religious cult's "Second coming".
[edit] State symbols
State motto: "Virtute et Armis" ("By Valor and Arms" ).
State flower, state tree and state strip club: Magnoliathunderpussy.
State bird: Mockingturd .
State book for burning: Racism for Dummies.
State enemy for lynching: Blackbirds.
State beverage: Bud Light.
State fossil: A 102 year old man nicknamed "Ziggy".
State comedian: Redd Foxx.
State wildflower: Marijuana.
State Sexual Orientation: STRAIGHT
State asian: Junchiro "John" Waganaki.
State quote: "TONIGHT...Were gettin FUCKED UP!!".
| States in the South |
| Alabama - Arkansas - Florida - Georgia - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - North Carolina - Oklahoma - South Carolina - Tennessee - Texas - Virginia - West Virginia - and sometimes Ohio |
