Miss Piggy
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“Miss Piggy has no enemies, but is intensley disliked by her friends”
“I'm going to slaughter that ham of an actress if it's the last thing I do!”
“An inspiration to women everywhere”
“There isn't much work these days for people like us”
Melinda Christine Gallagher (born November 5, 1959 in Tennessee), also known as Miss Piggy under her working nickname, is a famous drama actress and film director, mostly notorious for her work on the early 90ies mystery show The Muppets: Come Die with Me, written and directed by David Lynch.
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[edit] Early Life
During the early years of The Muppet Show TV series, Little Jimmy Henson was searching his brains for a character that young girls could relate to but, as he had not been a young girl himself for many years, did not know what they wanted. To research the needs of this audience he gathered a group of 12 bright young inner city girls together to run a market study group. After several hours of tedious discussion he discovered that the girls related best to other young girls and so butchered the study group and sewed their skins into a female muppet. And so, Miss Piggy was born.
Unfortunately, Miss Piggy's childhood was a hard one. She spent much of it on the road with her creator, touring the country and stuffing the dead bodies of her pet birds,before chopping them up with a Lightsaber. Eventually the emotional strain became too much for her and she resolved to eat herself to death, although she changed her mind after realizing that she couldn't reach most of her body with her mouth. Instead, she engaged on a junk food binge that eventually left her overweight and penniless. After several remarks by friends and family members, Miss Piggy fell into a state of poor self image in which she developed Bulimia. Through several self help books Miss Piggy finally saw the light and went straight back to her normal self, overweight and penniless.
One dark and stormy night on October 3rd, 1970, Miss Piggy packed her belongings and ran away from home with dreams of living in New York City. However, by the time Piggy made it to West Virginia she ran out of money. So Miss Piggy started her first career as a Massage Therapist and finally made enough money to go to New York City. However when she got there she ended finding out the city was not what it all cracked up to be. The city was dirty, filled with loud greasy Italians and sidewalks riddled with Pigeon shit. The crushed dream was so devastating that she planned on killing herself. However her big break came while she stood on the ledge of the Brooklyn bridge, ready to plunge into the icy waters, and Martin Scorsese approached her and asked her to sign on to his next four films. Miss Piggy got so excited she fell off the bridge and fell into the water below. When she washed ashore, she was approached by Jim Henson, who Miss Piggy referred to as "The biggest down grade I've ever suffered."
During the years of slavery and child labor enjoyable acting she spent on Sesame Street, Miss Piggy developed a bipolar disorder, possibly stemming from the horrible physical abuse she suffered at the hands of Big Bird tireless work days, Miss Piggy was eventually committed Count von Count's Home for the criminally insane. There Miss Piggy received shock treatment and eventually forgot all about her crippling abuse tired days as an actress.
[edit] Later Life
Miss Piggy never returned to television after the show's run, except for a brief gig on All My Children as a love interest for Bianca Kane, although she did try out for certain roles, including Paulina Cory on NBC's Another World, and the role of Maria on Sesame Street. In the case of the latter, the producers opted to go with a taller brunette. In 1985, Miss Piggy was arrested for loitering in the men's washroom at a New York airport, but the case was thrown out of court when officials and her lawyer, Count Chocula, failed to prove she wasn't male. In January of 1998 Miss Piggy was brutally attacked and beaten outside her apartment building in New Jersey by two men. In this attack she received three stab wounds, a broken nose, a cracked rib, a broken right ankle and rectal trauma. She was later found by Grover and taken to New Jersey Memorial Hospital. Miss Piggy spent two hours in a coma but finally awoke. She was then attacked again inside the hospital by a man with an axe, also speculated to be one of her attackers. However she escaped the hospital before he could kill her. Her attackers were never found, but she made this statement in an interview with Allure Magazine; "Its a very scary thing not knowing whether you're going to live or not, but luckily I came through it all right, vagina intact."
[edit] Muppet Rights
In the late 1980s and 1990s, she became heavily involved in Muppet Rights. She accused the Muppet Show's producers of undue hardship and torture, stating that as a 3 year old girl, she was forced to perform a wide variety of physically demanding stunts, many of which were outright dangerous. Many of her fellow muppets were children at the time, and once they were old enough to realize how unfairly they were being treated, they were forcibly exiled to China or South Asia, where the governments have amnesty protection for the differently-textured. Miss Piggy, being half pink-skinned was able to stay in North America longer because she has familial ties and was slightly more understanding of the racism against "Muppet-skins"
[edit] Kuwait
In March of 2002, Miss Piggy moved to Kuwait. The Middle East is well-known as a safe place for both muppets and pink-skins, where neither one is a majority. Sesame Street's Ernie is also known to have moved there. There she lives in a 10 acre mansion with her wife Lamb Chop and Madonna's neglected child.
[edit] Gonzo's Assassination Attempts
Ever since Miss Piggy shot Gonzo back in 1997, Gonzo has been out on a mission to kill Miss Piggy. His first attempt was when Miss Piggy was at a charity ball for breast cancer in Florida in 2007, when Gonzo charged in and shot aimlessly into the party, injuring three people, none of which were Miss Piggy. As for the rest of the attempts, below is a complete list of all his assassination attempts.
- Put a bomb on her private jet (2007).
- Put a death squad on her wedding (2007).
- Tried to strangle her while in a Logan Airport bathroom (2008).
- Strapped a bomb to Lamb Chop and forced her to hug Miss Piggy (2008).
- Tried to sniper her while attending the World Series (2008).
- Broke into her house with an axe (2008).
- Broke into her house with a machete (2008).
- Broke into her house with a shotgun (2008).
- Locked her in her garage with the car running (2009).
- Gave her Mrs. Dalloway to read (2009).
- Sent a threatning E-mail to Chuck Norris posed as Miss Piggy (2009).
- Sent her a James Joyce novel to read (2009).
- Tried to sniper her at the President's State of Adress, he ended up killing Obama, Biden and Pelosi instead (2010).
When Piggy was assaulted back in 1998, one theory is that the two men were in fact Gonzo and Big Bird.
[edit] Miss Piggy and Kermit
Miss Piggy was married to Gonzo, as many know. Though, her and Kermit the Frog had a love affair, and held a late-night adult show on Pay-Per-View, entitled, "Love Swamp." Around that time, Gonzo found out about it and got pissed off. Gonzo then charged in with an axe and tried to kill Kermit. It resulted in Miss Piggy shooting Gonzo, leaving him temporarilly paralyzed from the cock down. Since then Kermit the Frog has called off all love affairs and has virtually cut her off and Gonzo has since been trying to assassinate the actress. Miss Piggy then went through a bisexual streak and began dating fellow famous puppet Lamb Chop whom she met on the set of 8 Mile and eventually moved to Kuwait with. In November 2007, Lamb Chop was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo a double mastectomy. This only strenghthen the love between Miss Piggy and Lamb Chop causing them to fly to Massachusetts and get married in Martha's Vineyard. They are still married today.
Kermit the Frog declined about his days with Miss Piggy and he prays that some shithole would fry that fucking ham someday.
[edit] Miss Piggy Today
As of today, Miss Piggy and Lamb Chop still remain married and happy and live in a small village in Kuwait. In February of 2009 they adopted Madonna's neglected child and have started a family. Miss Piggy has also become an activist for Breast Cancer awareness ever since her wife, Lamb Chop, was diagnosed back in 2007. Miss Piggy has also been undergoing therapy after her brutal assault in New Jersey and has been making progress despite the fact that she has been seeing a Pediatrician, although this still remains unknown to her. Miss Piggy was recently placed under house arrest after severely beating Uma Thurman when she mistaken her for Michael Moore resulting in Ms. Thurman's hospitalization. Ever since she shot Gonzo back in 2002, Miss Piggy, Gonzo and Kermit no longer remain on speaking terms with each other leading to the unfortunate collapse of Sesame Street. During a Breast Cancer Awareness charity ball in Florida, Gonzo charged in with a pistol and shot aimlessly into the crowd, injuring three people (none of which were Miss Piggy) and among the three were Anne Hathaway, Lauren Conrad and Mickey Mouse. Gonzo was never taken into custody and has since fled to Canada to avoid criminal prosecution. Miss Piggy and Lamb Chop were recently seen in Sicily filming their latest film, Grindhouse: Slaughtering Bitches. The film is set to release in August of 2010. Miss Piggy and Lamb Chop were also seen in Canada, attempting to find Gonzo, who was responsible for three deaths at their wedding, and bring him back to America for criminal prosocution.
[edit] Bibliography
- New Jersey Assault: Im a Survior
- Sesame Fleet: Jim Henson's War -- (Co writer)
[edit] Filmography
Miss Piggy has appeared in many films for which she has received critical acclaim for. Below is a complete list of this film and television parts. She has earned an academy award for her work in "Coal Miner's Daughter".
- Sesame Street (Television Show) -- Herself ( Six Emmy award wins, one Golden Globe win)
- Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) -- Etta Place
- Love Swamp (Television Series) -- Mistress Ieshia
- Coal Miner's Daughter (1980) -- Loretta Lynn (Won Academy Award for Best Actress)
- My Life- Big Bird's Substance Abuse (1980) -- Herself
- My Life- Count Von Count's Neglectful Parents (1980) -- Herself
- My Life- Elmo's Attempted Suicide (1981) -- Herself
- My Life- Miss Piggy's battle with Bulimia (1981) -- Herself
- ET- The Extra Testicle (1982) -- Neighborhood Bitch (Cameo)
- Cheers (Television Series) -- Rebecca Howe (Emmy Nomination)
- Beetlejuice (1988) -- Zombie/Ghost (Cameo)
- Roseanne (Television Series) -- Roseanne Connor (Won Emmy Award)
- All My Children (Television Series) -- Lilly Howard (Emmy Nomination)
- Prince of Tides -- Dr. Lowenstien
- Clerks (1994) -- Customer (Cameo)
- Friends (Television Series) -- New York Prostitute (4 Episodes)
- The Gonzo Sex- A Muppet Porno (1995) -- Ivanna Humppu (Won Woody Award)
- Liar Liar (1997) -- Greta
- Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000) -- 培根 (Academy Award Nomination)
- 8 Mile (2002) -- Punk Ass Bitch #2 (Cameo)
- The Price is Right (Gameshow) -- Celebrity Contestant/Herself
- The View (Talk Show) -- Guest/Herself
- Brokeback Mountain (2005) -- Gay Basher
- Snakes on a Plane (2006) -- Stewardess (Cameo)
- Oprah(Talk Show) -- Herself/Guest
- I Survived... (Television Series/ Documentary) -- Herself
- American Idol (Television Series) -- Guest Judge/Herself
- He's Just Not That Into You (2009) -- Mrs. Sassafras
- Madea Goes to Jail (2009) -- Madea (Golden Globe Nomination)
- Grindhouse 2: Slaughtering Bitches (2010) -- Frau Goebbels
