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The Holy Federation Of Missouri, Macaroni Chapter
|Motto: Show me your tits|
|Anthem: Kansas City/K.C. Loving|
Missouri and its disputed territory, Newfoundland (inset)
|Largest city||Kansas City|
|Official language(s)||'Mer'can: it is law to pronounce the word "wash" as warsh.|
|National/state seal||Sparky (see photo above)|
|National hero(es)||Jesse and Frank James, Len Dawson, Freddie Blassie|
|Established||16 December 1811 (New Madrid settled)|
|Population||1 billion (2000), humanoid count ongoing|
|Major exports||Corn, cows, beer, crystal meth, deluded sports fans|
|National animal||incredibly gigantic river catfish|
Missouri (pronounced "mizzurah" or "misery") is a fully admitted member of the United States of America with only three major cities, that coincidentally are all miserable to live in. The river that runs through said land is also named Missouri. The name is derived from a Native American word meaning "corn-filled hellhole". It's also known locally as the "Show Me Your Tits" state (popularly shortened to "Show Me"), which means all citizens are required to show their tits to passing drivers. In light of some recent arrests, a law has been proposed to require all males to fatten up and grow manboobs, therefore granting them the ability to comply with the "Show me your tits" law. Missouri is also known to be Stephen Colbert's favorite state after his home state of South Carolina. This was reaffirmed on May 28th, 2008 when Senator Jean Carnahan offered the Missouri state flag (shown right) to Colbert, and he accepted. Missouri's awesomeness now is 2nd only to Kyrgyzstan in terms of culture.
edit Major cities and cities of note
The administrative and cultural capital and largest city is Kansas City which is home to the Kansas City Chiefs, the Kansas City Royals and other fundamentally challenged sports corporations. It's also home to the best barbecue in the world. Originally, after the War of 1812, the administrative capital moved around a lot for no apparent reason. They were: Branson (where cheap water parks and untalented bluegrass musicians will always be), Jefferson City (where the state prison used to be), Saint Charles (where some casinos are now) and Liberty (where nothing has ever been).
Saint Louis is the financial capital of Missouri and is home of the Saint Louis Cardinals, Saint Louis Blues, and other sports corporations. It's also the hometown of Anheuser-Busch, Emerson Electric, and Ralston Purina. Also, it should be noted that Saint Louis is home to the Missouri stock market which is the source of most of the crime in Missouri... that, and cows. Lots and lots of cows. There are no cows in St. Louis, however. Cows were made illegal in St. Louis after the Great Cow Fire of 1839. Yaks have roamed the city streets ever since, and are used in lieu of cars, public transportation, and municipal service vehicles, such as fire trucks and ambulances,. Yaks are used as the popular taco trucks in Mexico, Missouri (see Fun-ish facts below).
Springfield is the death-by-crime, –gang, and –snob capital of Missouri, and happens to be the place where crystal meth was invented. It was originally known as "hard candy" and if any white folk sold it it would be known as "white chocolate".
Fulton is a storage facility for the terminally stupid and the criminally insane. It is home to two universities, a school for the deaf and a nuclear facility. Wal-Mart uses Fulton to test their toxic toys and kitchen implements. Fulton was Ronald Reagan's birthplace before the cyborg operation, and Winston Churchill went to college there. The latter's roommate was Harry Truman, one of the biggest losers in U.S. history, right next to Martin Van Buren.
Columbia is currently being studied by scientists as the place where so many groups hate each other yet have not collapsed into all-out civil war. No one knows why the townies hate the agriculture students, the aggie kids hate the journalism students, the J-schoolers hate the hippies, the hippies hate the punks, the punks hate the Greek kids, the Greek kids hate the hipsters, the hipsters hate Zou Crew, Zou Crew hates the Antlers, the Antlers hate the Christian fundamentalists and the fundies hate all of them. It's been theorized that rampant alcoholism and massive, seething hatred of Kansas keeps them all together.
edit More key cities
St. Joseph is the cocaine capital of Missouri. However, the citizens of the city are quite tired of pretending to be serious when they wave the Confederate flag, and may secede. If that happens, the lack of crack will cause a sudden drop in the average heart rate in Missouri. St. Joe is also know for its almost legendary consumption of alcohol. It is home to the only television station in Missouri, KQ2.
Mound City/Craig is the known supplier of all things redneck for itself and its surrounding counties. It is also Missouri's main ginger/redhead breeding ground. Therefore, it is known for having the lowest rate of souls anywhere in the state. And while Mound City dwellers don't take well to outsiders or even fellow Missourians, they have been known to occasionally accept a St. Joseph resident, although most are never heard from again.
Maryville is right on the Iowa border and flood water runoff has led to mass mental retardation in the region. The three restaurants in this college town are infested with migrant workers who routinely have shoot-outs in the kitchens of said establishments. Most college students here drink Steel Reserve and drown themselves in misery (known locally as "Missouri") because 90% of the student body has a form of chlamydia they openly embrace as the "Bearcat Clap".
Bethany, also known as Methany, is in the northernmost part of the state. It is famous as the Great Escape™ for serial killers, rapists, Killer Jesus, Osama bin Ladin, that X-treme Goldfish, Oprah 2.0, and the characters from My Name is Earl. All come to get away from the difficulties of city life. Here the "smarter" citizens collect themselves in small groups and catapult their feces over the Missouri/Iowa border and have massive inbred sex. This unfortunately results in retarded babies that eat sand and kill small woodland creatures. These children eventually go into American politics, where sand-eating and killing animals is replaced with shit-eating and killing other politicians.
edit Centers of higher education
The University of Missouri eats money, no matter what the student's circumstances are. All they want is money; "college for all" means they don't care if you are eligible or not, they just want the application fee. Be aware, they are racist and discriminate against foreign passport holders. The only exceptions to this policy are rich Nigerian princes, whom the university seems to have quite a lot of since they take the applicant's word on anything they say.
Contrary to popular belief, University of Missouri does not, in fact, have any actual teachers. Rather, the administration thinks the students should figure it out for themselves. They staff homeless people to pose as teachers for appearance's sake. The "professors" are instructed to do anything to deter students from asking questions, such as sobbing loudly, running out of the room or setting off fire alarms when a student tries to ask a question. This also includes taking long breaks to go to the restroom.
Missouri also contains the engineering capital of the United States, Rolla. The city contains nothing of importance other than the campus of the Missouri University of Science and Technology (formerly University of Missouri–Rolla, formerly Missouri School of Mines) and a couple of easy girls (+/–1). It is where over nine thousand students all force themselves to learn engineering stuff while getting as drunk as possible.
Warrensburg owns and is home to the best BBQ joint and most frequent source of food poisoning in Missouri — Perry Foster's. Many make a yearly pilgrimage to Warrensburg to drink Natty, get shot up on Pine Street and to set foot upon the academic mecca of the University of Central Missouri. The Mules and Jennies boast the one athletic program of any note in the state of Missouri.
Missouri has stated that it is "mostly harmless", but a concern that the UN has brought up is Missouri's troubled relationship with Kansas. The conflict has become blurred, but some say that on January 13, 1992, a full-of-himself Johnson County, Kansas man of the normally great city of Prairie Village was shoveling snow when he threw some over the State Line Road onto a Missouri man. His wife saw this and came out and started to cross the road to shout at the Kansan. She was struck by a diesel truck which then swerved and rammed into the Missouri man's house. The truck driver, found to be a Kansan, caused the neighbors to come out of their houses and start fighting him and the Kansan spectators who had crossed the road.
The fighting turned into lighting things on fire which spread flames though the neighborhood. A military truck was brought in but some Kansan 6 year olds torched the truck. Apache helicopter gunships from both states were brought in as the incident reached DEFCON 2. The helicopters were all shot down by anti-aircraft missiles fired from a Missouri doghouse. The explosions produced air tremors that caused Pan Am Flight 2048, an Airbus A310, to crash into the roadway causing massive carnage. Missouri then launched its new, experimental tornado gun, ripping houses off their frames and throwing them all the way to Peoria, Illinois.
And to think that just 3 inches of snow caused this. Residents are eagerly awaiting the next snowfall.
The Missouri Department of Transportation (MoDOT) serves as the border patrol by blocking all major roadways into the state with orange barrels. The waterways are defended by two captured vessels: the USS Missouri, which patrols the Missouri River and the USS Ronald Reagan, which sits in Party Cove in the Lake of the Ozarks. The rest of the naval forces consist of machine gun-mounted jet skis. The air force mainly consists of refurbished Midwest Air Lines MD 88s (equipped with a carpet bomb payload and heat-seeking missiles), Boeing 747s (equipped with bunker busters and Tomahawk missiles) and the Channel 4 news copter refitted with two mini-guns and a standard missile launcher. They are all based at Kansas City International Airport (KCI) and are available for party rental. The rest of the air force is made up of what was left at Whiteman Air Force Base after the Battle of July 1st, of which Missouri was the only surviving state. Ground troops consist of crazed well-equipped NRA members and hillbillies. It should also be noted that Missouri is the world's second largest nuclear superpower with a surplus of over 500 Minuteman warheads in its stockpile.
The state is currently in the process of staging an invasion, though they've failed to realize that they're invading Missouri. The rest of its citizens sit around and fire off their skin pistols at anything that moves.
edit Notable citizens
- Harry S. Truman - So far the only US President that has been a total idiot. Harry grew up on a rural Missouri farm. It's said this early life shoveling horse shit did much to prepare him for dealing with Congress. He lost the 1948 election to Thomas Dewey, so that settles the matter of what most Americans think of Missouri.
- Mark Twain - Born Samuel Clemens, this irresponsible author has filled millions of impressionable young minds with tales of childhood pranks and river rafting. Thousands of young boys have died in the last 150 years trying to emulate Huck Finn by floating down the Mighty Mississippi. Many more boys and girls have perished after becoming lost in caves.
- Walt Disney - It was in Missouri that his hatred for the Jews and re-assertion for traditional gender roles was reinforced. He channeled this into making cartoons about mice that could brainwash children worldwide.
- Stan Musial - They called him "The Man" because he won 10 World Series by himself and slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain — yesterday.
edit Population and demographics
The population of Missouri was roughly 1 billion in 2000. However, due to the very large diversity issue in the nation, the government is deciding on whether or not to count anyone who is not a rich white Republican non-human/sheep hybrid Christian. This policy has been thought to be in existence even before Missouri became a nation.
Still, the Mule State's diversity is envied by others. It has farmers, casino shills, suburbanites, Wal-Mart greeters, soccer moms, Mennonites, cows and truckers. Plus it has rednecks, drug dealers (lots of drug dealers), overpaid baseball players, Bible-thumpers, crack whores, not to mention true-blue-balls Ernest Tubb inbred country fuckers, headcrab zombies, Cerberus (who runs wild in Kansas City), and the occasional human/sheep hybrid.
The weather in Missouri is often described as messed up. It is also muggy as all hell. The winters tend to be similar to that of Antarctica with blizzards and –40 degree wind chill factors. Many Missourianinites are too weak to survive the winter, resulting in a yearly mortality rate of 30%-50%. The only relief from winter is the onset of spring, which is not really one season but all four wrapped into one. On a typical spring day, one will experience early morning snow followed by a few hours of sunlight, then a thunderstorm producing tornadoes, then blazing heat and humidity. Finally, there will be freezing rain and snow at nightfall. The hell that is a Missouri summer consists of heat stroke victims, drought, boating accidents and fist fights at the Beaumont in Kansas City. When it does eventually rain, the possibility of yet more tornadoes is 90%. Autumn is generally gray and rainy; this is Missouri's wet season. It will only stop raining when it starts snowing. Fans of driving in sleet look forward to this each year, intent on beating the Russians at making and recording world-class dashcam video compilations.
edit Fun facts
- It is technically legal to strike any jaywalking pedestrian with your vehicle, provided they support the opposite baseball team from yours. If they are a part of said team, you may scratch a tally mark into the hood of your car.
- If the bottom three counties in Iowa were ceded to Missouri, both state's average IQs would increase.
- Mexico, MO is named for Mexico and a helluvalot of Mexicans live there.
- ↑ No mooning, however. Save that kind of stuff for when you get to Arkansas.
- ↑ named for Richard Branson, the flying bluegrass banjo king of England
- ↑ named for dry-cleaning mogul George Jefferson
- ↑ importers of quality appliances like... let me think...
- ↑ so, at least two
- ↑ See, told ya.
- ↑ Am-BLEE-ans
- ↑ based on the Crystal Light recipe
- ↑ a requirement for California governors
- ↑ "Can't we all get along?" -- Rodney King
- ↑ per the big hit by Captain & Tennille
- ↑ "Can't we all..., agh, forget it." -- Rodney King
- ↑ It is expected that the station will be able to show moving pictures by 2021.
- ↑ This makes for safer parking lots.
- ↑ So, dude, your point is...?
- ↑ PER-fess-ers
- ↑ Recent budget cuts have required "teachers" to just fake a ringing noise and run from the room.
- ↑ Students don't mind this, as it does not interrupt their texting.
- ↑ bestest
- ↑ but only if underage
- ↑ Fearless bowlers are fearless.
- ↑ beer excepted
- ↑ volatile abolitionist John Brown
- ↑ not spliffs, apparently
- ↑ Ferguson police deny responsibility as all their missiles are nukes. So then, who's a good dog?
- ↑ "You ain't seen nothin, yet!" -- Al Jolson
- ↑ Do. not. seek. the. treasure.
- ↑ "No shit, Sherlock." -- Captain Obvious
edit See also
- St. Louis, Missouri
- UnNews:Zombie becomes mayor of MO town
- UnNews:Missouri Governor requests Israeli help