Minnesota

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“Holy S!@#$%^&!”
~ Renee Zellweger at Twin Cities Airport
“In Minnesota, snow cleans people!”
~ Russian Minnesotans
“The Bane of our exisitance”
The United Siberia of America and Too Many Frozen Lakes
Winter-in-minnesota-001
Motto: "Save a Minnesotan - Eat a Mosquito!"
Government: Mall of America
State Insect: 475,947,540,594,750 Mosquitos
Official language Ice Hockey
Average Temperature: No-one-cares-here
Capital Saint Paul
Current Governor Mark Dayton (aka "Yes, I'm one of THOSE Daytons")
Three Major Seasons Winter, Summer, and Road Construction
Exports 3M, Spam, Target, Best Buy, and LA Lakers

Minnesota ( /mɪnɨˈsnotə/ ) is a disputed Siberia located between the United States and Canada, which is believed to be separated from Russian Siberia during Pangaea. This is indeed colder than Siberia. Geeeez, it's cold here! (cough)

Currently Minnesota is operating under a power-sharing agreement where the Governor is a Socialist from Canada and the State Legislature is mainly dominated by Republicans from Texas. Every time there is an election, the residents of this region hold their breath knowing that a Nuclear War between the U.S. and Canada could break out at any time should the power sharing agreement not appease its citizens.

The northern part of Minnesota is mainly occupied by Canadians that wish to impose their Socialist agenda on the remaining part of the state. In order to do do this they have attempted to over-run the Metropolitan areas of Minneapolis and Saint Paul and impose Martial Law in order to get them to vote with the North. The Southern region has managed to remain aligned with the Texans primarily voting against anything the North likes even if it is in their best interest as well.

Minnesota has a ridiculuous number of lakes scattered among virtually unoccupied regions of land. Most of these lakes attract Canadian Hmongs attempting to fish for the elusive Bullhead. These Bullheads are valued by the Hmong for their meat. Non-Hmong's attempting to fish among the Hmong's often find Hmong's asking if they can have the bullhead the Non-Hmong is about to throw back. This results in extra fish to sustain the population and is the reason why Hmong's always choose to have so many children.

Minnesota also has a relatively diverse population that includes Canadian Africans, African Canadians, Canadian Somalis, Canadian Hispanics, Native Canadians, European Americans, and Texans.


People & Climate

Minnesotans are neither Americans nor Canadians. Under Minnesota's power-sharing agreement the Canadians have been allowed to control the cimate of Minnesota during the months of October-March and the Texans have been allowed to control the climate between April and September. Because of this, Minnesota has winters that are similar to those found in the Artic Circle and tropical summers similar to those found in Texas.

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Duluth sunbathe.

40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

State Animal

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Mosquitoes the Minnesotan state animals are so beloved that souvenirs they are on are sold the most among all souvenirs from the state.

Originally the Minnesota State bird was the Common Loon; however in 1912, the Governor of Minnesota noticed that the Mosquito was plentiful throughout the state. Unable to realise that the mosquito is an insect, the Governor proposed a bill to the State Legislature to re-define the state bird as the Mosquito. When the governor finally realized his error, he issued an executive order to define Mosquito's as birds. The State Legislature then put the bill up for vote, and it passed unanimously.

History

Originally populated by the Dakota People, early in the 17th century, some Vietnamese were traveling through the area. Feeling hospitable, the Dakota People offered to play Blackjack against the Vietnamese but only if the they could always be the dealer. Within a short period of time the Vietnamese people were broke. They quickly left the area to tell everyone about how much they lost playing this game. Unable to figure out why they lost, the Vietnamese later returned to what is now Minnesota in attempt to win their money back. A few Senior Citizen aged Europeans followed to see what the fuss was about. When they arrived, they found that the Dakota People had designed the very first ever Slot Machine. The Vietnamese were not particularly interested in the slot machine but the aged Europeans put alot of money into them trying to figure out what they actually were designed to do. Meanwhile the Vietnamese engaged the Dakota People in another game of Blackjack. To this day, the Vietnamese are still trying to beat the Dakota People at Blackjack and the aged Europeans are still trying to figure out what a slot machine does.

Younger Europeans, unable to find their parents began to travel into Minnesota looking for them. Still Unable to find them, they settled on some land near the Mississippi River. This area eventually came to be known as Minneapolis, Minnesota and St Paul, Minnesota.

The Rich/Poor War of 1860

By the 1860's the some of the early settlers along the Mississippi began to have a dispute over who was richer. When this dispute could not be settled one of the two sides decided to resettle in Edina, Minnesota and the other moved to Duluth, Minnesota. Initially, those who moved to Duluth thought they had found Gold there and believed that they were going to become even richer than the poor folks that moved to Edina. Unfortunately the people in Duluth found out that what they though was gold was really only just Taconite. Not believing Taconite had any value, they sold the rights to mine the Taconite to the people in Edina for what they believed was a very large sum. The Edina settlers had the last laugh however when the people in Duluth were working for them mining this Taconite and shipping it off across Lake Superior. This made Edina the rilchest region in Minnesota. Still, nobody has figured out why the people in Edina like to eat so much Cake.

Succession from the Union 1974

Prior to 1974, Minnesota was a part of the United States. In 1974, the people of Minnesota became so embarrassed that they had voted for Richard Nixon in 1972 they decided that they were no longer worthy of being a part of the Union. Instead of allowing this, the successor to Nixon, Gerald Ford placed Minnesota on probation. This angered the Minnesotans, and so they enlisted the help of Pierre Trudeau of Canada. Canada reluctantly agreed to help Minnesota in exchange for allowing more Socialist influence into the area. A deal was struck however the Minnesotan's resisted socialism. Pierre Trudeau then sent the Canadian Army into Minnesota in order to enforce the agreed upon deal. Texas, angered immensely over the Canadian influence sent a small militia to Minnesota to help drive the Canadians back. This atempt was partially successful and a power-sharing arrangement was created. Tensions however are still very high throughout the region.

The Great Government Shutdown of 2011

In 2011, the Canadians and Texans decided to have a party together in attempt to smooth over relations. To break the ice Michele Bachmann brought a Where's Waldo? book. Unable to agree on where Waldo actually was, the two sides began arguing. The argument lasted nearly an entire month until the two sides brought in Jesse Ventura to settle the dispute. Jesse convinced both sides that the book was simply a conspiracy and there was no such thing as Waldo. Meanwhile, the two sides were engaged so deeply into the agrument that they forgot that there was a government to run. Fortuntely, when they figured this out, they got right back to work.

More Information

For more information about famous Minnesotans, please see Paul Bunyan, Charles Pugh, Norm Coleman, Michele Bachmann, and Walter Mondale

Famous Minnesota sports teams include the Minnesota Vikings, Minnesota Wild, Minnesota Twins, Minnesota Timberwolves, Saint Paul Saints, Minnesota Lynx, Minnesota Gophers, Canadian Armed Forces and the U.S. Army.

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