Ministries of the UK Government
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Ministries of the UK Government are the individual departments that form the UK Government. Each ministry has a minister in charge of it who gets a seat on the cabinet in 10 Downing Street (not the trophy cabinet, that is reserved for the PM). They are either traitors to the party who are power-hungry and will do anything to topple the current Prime Minister or they are puppets (underneath the Prime Minister's seat are pedals that control the mouths of the ministers). Thousands of civil servants are employed by each ministry however the government hasn't found out what the point of these civil servants are yet and simply ignore them.
The ministry buildings
The ministry buildings are all situated in London around Whitehall Street next to the river Thames but not near enough for the drinking water to be contaminated with sewage. The routes from the ministry to the ministers houses have strict travel restrictions that prevent "plebs" from using them.
Inside the ministries is a bland interior with prestinely cleaned, blank walls. This is said to be the best environment to help the ministers create policies for the country. There are pictures of British people who are doing well hung up on the walls next to pictures of degraded post offices and naval ships being sent off to the scrap yard to keep the impression to the ministers that the whole country is doing to well and yet the government is making barely any money which leads to the inevitable conclusion of raising taxes, raising university fees and employing Nick Clegg.
The Ministry of The Fence
Often mis-spelt Ministry of Defence and therefore abrieviated to MOD, the Ministry of The Fence is in charge of the huge fence that surrounds the United Kingdom that keeps invaders out. The department is constantly modernising the Armed Forces that work under the Ministry of The Fence to prepare them for battle. New tanks that are being made now are up-to-date and instead of being equipped to face a World War threat they are used against illegal immigrants, a very real threat of invasion for the British Isles, with plows on the front to knock the immigrants down.
The Minister of The Fence is usually someone with experience of building garden furniture and who knows some basic Year 5 maths and can work out the perimeter of a rectangle. Famous Ministers of The Fence have been, Winston Churchill, Pitt the Elder, Pitt the Younger, Pitt the Embryo and Margaret Thatcher who unofficially was the Minister for every ministry in the government at the same time as being Prime Minister and was the only real person on her cabinet. The rest of the politicians round the table were Thunderbirds puppets on strings.
The Ministery's budget had been cut dramatically after WW2 when the Norman and Viking invasion threat was brought down to "Medium Level" instead of "High Level" for the first time in one thousand years since Willy the Conker founded the Ministry of The Fence as a fence was a key component in his mott and bailey castles. However when the Germans managed to punch through the Berlin Wall in 1989, the Government decided that a fence wasn't going to be strong enough to stop invaders and increased the Ministry of The Fence's spending budget in order to pay for the large extension that has been planned for Hadrian's Wall so that it surrounded the whole of Britain. Unfortunately Scotland was left out of that defence wall dispite the fact that the Falkland Islands were squeezed in but the Scots didn't care anyway as it helped them in their campaign for Scottish "FREEDOM!"
The Ministry of Silly Walks
Main article Ministry of Silly Walks
The Ministry of Silly Walks is the longest standing ministry in the UK Government. It was first said to be founded by King Arthur Pendragon himself and the Minister took one of the positions on his round table under the name of Sir Notapearinginthisfilm however there is no conclusive evidence of this and in popular belief the ministry was said to be founded by Sir Montgomery Python in 1811. The Germans tried to create their own Ministry of Silly Walks in 1933 under the name Die Ministrie dund Sillein Walke and it was run be Herr Goebelring Kesseldunstrope, however the Goosestep was hailed as a poor representation of traditional British Silly Walking (otherwise known as Maypole dancing).
The purpose of the ministry is to come up with walks that are very silly so that the politicians can walk about like that every time they lie to the public so that the public think they were actually joking and not lying. Tony Blair was a great campaigner for the invention of new silly walks precisely because of this reason. George Bush and he would practice silly walks every time before they went out and did a speech together.
The Ministry of Magic
The Ministry of Magic's purpose is to provide a connection between the Magic World and the Muggle World. The Minister of Magic is the only minister in the cabinet who is not a muggle and is in fact a witch or wizard. The Ministry of Magic gets a lot of bad press from muggle media as some papers such as The Daily Mail claim that the Ministry of Magic is part of the Grand Conspiracy and sometimes the Magic people themselves get annoyed with the ministry for reasons such as letting "he who must not be named," Lord Voldermort take over the ministry and almost destroy the whole world and the fact that the ministry gives too many jobs to Eastern European immigrant wizards and witches and not enough jobs to hard-working British ones.
The Ministry of Magic can also help the Muggle World when it is in a national disaster such as when the Ministry of Magic used magic to stop Hitler invading in 1940 and when the Ministry of Magic and is attempting to use the most powerful magic it can find to stop the financial recession and to curse all the bankers.
The Ministry of Pessimism
The Ministry of Pessimism was established in 1707 when the parliamentary Union between England and Scotland was established and therefore the ban of the practice of pessimism was finally lifted in England and Wales to accomodate with the attitude of the Scots. To fill the roles of the civil servants in the ministry, the government rounded up every roundhead, puritan who had managed to survive the civil war and made them into civil servants at the ministry. Soon Christmas was scoured upon as a silly American, consumerist invention and the French were blamed for the weather. These idea spread by the ministry still continue to this day.
The ministry also has direct control of state media and uses the BBC to broadcast educational films about beating the French and Germans and how young people today don't work hard enough to create a pessimistic hatred filled atmosphere. Newspapers such as The Daily Torygraph are forced into telling its readers that immigration is awful and that Europe is too happy for the country to be part of it.
The Ministry of Hidden Treasure
The Minister in charge of the Ministry of Hidden Treasure is known as the "Chancellor of the Checkers." This is because the minister has nothing better to do all day than play checkers. He also bets on games of checkers in a bid to win some money that can be used to help the economy and give out benefits.
The Ministry of Hidden Treasure was originally called the Ministry of Treasure however after the Chancellor of the Checkers and later dictator of Britain, Gordon Brown came along all of Britain's gold went missing so the ministry was re-named, "Ministry of Hidden Treasure." The roles of Her Majesties Ministry of Hidden Treasure are to ensure that all the gold that the country owns is locked away safely and soundly and if they are not and have gone missing, to find the hidden treasure. The ministry is also in charge of protecting the Crown Jewels. in 2012, the ministry made the contraversial decision to spray anti-corrodent onto the crown jewels to prevent them from rusting. The ministry backed this up with a statement claiming that this was "necessary as her Empress of India Crown hadn't been worn in a long time due to the fact she was no longer Empress of India and that the Crown couldn't wait forever for Her Majesty to re-claim her title."
The Ministry of Administrive Affairs
Despite the name the Ministry of Administrive Affairs is not classed as a proper ministry but is the only ministry to receive "High Ministry" status. In a time of crisis all power of the government is controlled by this ministry. Currently the ministry has only one branch, the British Place Names Board which deals with the important matters of signpostage, that concern the state much more than finance or industry. It has no logo as it represents the ultimate force of the government and therefore is all around you. It's motto is "Bigus Brotheria attemptus watchus howeveria isus failingia becausia Bigus Brotheria nous hasus moneia. (Translation:Big Brother is trying to watch you but failing because Big Brother is not paid enough to be able to afford to watch everyone in the country.)"