Minions

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Minions (Minious Infertilious) are a race of semi-sentient beings generally found in your local supermarket next to the instant mash section (Location may vary). Fresh minions may also be on display in the deli section adjacent to the fresh meats. Wild minions can be found across the globe, from the hills of Scotland where the celtic kilt-wearing minions roam the land. Ireland, where leprosy is in its highest and most potent form. To east Asia, where octo-core processors, nanomachines and slavery is at its finest.

Beginning

When first discovered, minions were considered a fashion item being worn on the necks, wrists and beards of owners. Kept out in the open Minions would wither and go all dry. Alchemists and Wizards were baffled at this problem and dumbfounded all who ponder. The answer you ask? Pickled vegetables. One of the greatest discoveries made by man standing just behind space travel and agriculture.

Cquote1 1 John 5 22 And by the light thy holy master created passage to minions. For God gave man the art of pickling. For he did not give out of need but out of love to his followers, Sent down by a flock of angels to a lonely shepherd. "Did thou not ask for this gift humble shepherd" An angel spoke quietly. "Thou honoured messenger of god, for i will spread this gift and dedicate it to God" 23For those who are loyal to God are gratefully rewarded. Cquote2

Anatomy

The average minion consists of 67% processed meats, 28% electrical components, 3% advertisements and 2% human. These fundamental factors of the minion anatomy is unique to only the minion itself, McChicken burgers, Pepsi and organic vegetables. Minions contain basic CPU's in their lower abdominal regions, sending commands through-out the chassis of the minion by Morse code and text messages. Since the main Core of the minion is at the lower abdomen, a well placed kick to the groin is almost certainly going to reset the minions commands. GreenPeace and Human welfare companies have been misled to think minions were actually slaves being abused and made retarded due to physical action. This is all false, obviously. No seriously its false.

Types of Minion

Quoted directly from the Minions at Home Handbook

Grunt -Typical lesser minded mutant, Likes dark damp places and radiates low IQ. The after effects of bearing this title generally has the subject spout large leathery wings and a hunched back.-

Personal use -Minions more suited to the masters pleasure. General requirements to apply for this position are large breasts (D cup recommended) and a maid costume. Variations of this form of minion are vast, from female to male and even sheep-

Costumed Retards Heroes -There are two sub-categories for this minion. Solo and group. Solo minions generally had a traumatic childhood and focused on being the more powerful rather than being a sociable part of community. Groups tend to favour the saying "I'll do you, if you do me" Both groups have the minions wearing tight spandex costumes fighting Visionaries

Handling

Most Minions boast an average IQ at around 40 and below. Any normal human bearing this condition would almost indefinitely be hospitalised. Since being almost mentally brain dead, this is a perfect aspect for minions.

Minions preferred grazing spots include dark damp cellars, supermarkets, working 24/7 to their masters bidding each looking forward to spoon reap their rewards in their highly appealing cold steel cages.

Minions have a very strict diet consisting of red strawberries the most, blue strawberries often referred to as "blueberries", yellow strawberries or "bananas", orange strawberries or "oranges", green strawberries or "kiwis", and purple strawberries or "grapes". Any other "fruits" are considered veggies to them and minions despise veggies and usually revolt if this is given to them. Please remember their diet or else you will have a very angry minion on your hands.

Where to buy

Since slavery was abolished, Minions and their counterpart market has gone into a steady decline, with the public access towards this market getting increasingly harder to access. The FBI has issued a crackdown on the trading of minions in 2000. Spokesmen for the Federal Bureau issuing a statement conceded to reveal that by the 17th of February 2009 a major part of the minion trade market will be stopped, which in turn could create a massive drop in minion sales. Investigations in 2000 were done by a certain Robert Hanssen. In 2001 Hanssen was caught selling top secret information to the Russian Kgb for diamonds and money. This information included the best shops to purchase minions and the best seasons to get the Whore form of minion. Halloween was later revealed to be the best time, as many men are more into a vampire wearing tight leather than say, a bumblebee.

The FBI timed the 2009 Crackdown the same day as Digital tv takes its hold on the world, this strengthening the tightening iron fist of the "Digital Imperium Subject: Nazi Enrollment Yodel" Shops currently participating in the trade of minions:

  • Ebay
  • Walmart
  • Asda
  • All local corner shops
  • FBI souvenir shops
  • Best n less
  • Amazon
  • All Chinese take-aways (ask for live minions, not special fried)
  • All Indian take-aways
  • This site
  • Your mom

Your mom was one of the traders of minions caught. Your mom iis currently serving a life sentence of solitary confinement in a strait jacket. Your mom is a well known and popular woman in the prison society. Being a crackwhore for most of her life, your birth was a mild complication between a paying citizen and $100 of hard-core sex in which the customers condom broke. With authorities chasing her for her bank problems, she found it wise to keep you and claim benefits from your presence. If it was not for the recent rise in pay from benefits she would have traded you earlier for cocaine.

Qualifications and Employment

There are many ways to become a minion, most are arduous and difficult. If you were not gifted with "minious infertilious" from birth then your ascension to minionism will be along the academic line. Believed to be almost impossible to complete the 3 year study by any mortal, for it is almost mentally and physically impossible to posses the correct deformities that most minions possess.

Many times throughout history, have minion-related diseases and defects been mistaken for human problems. Diseases like Leprosy severe Epilepsy, In reality errors in the CPU of the Minion are due to faulty wifi systems. Orders are sent through microwaves and phone signals which direct the core processor and internal components built to drive the minion. Orders are sent through in short intermittent bursts, with the signal length dependent on the order duration. Failing to do so will cause all minions in the near-by vicinity to break down into violent spasms and eventually Die.

Due to the arduous conditions minions will go through, through-out their service in the Minionist Republic certain qualifications are needed in hand:

  • 2nd Certificate in Human welfare
  • Willing to sacrifice Free will and any sort of freedom
  • Hunched back
  • Strong bodily odor
  • Deformed face
  • Have a name like Igor
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