Mini

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The Flying Brick
(Super duper Mini Cooper)
Cardboardmini

It is evident that the Mini has come a long way not changed a bit since its original cardboard chassis design.

Manufacturers Ryman, Blue Peter
Production Mr. Bean: The Musical
Assembly 9.01, sports hall
Engine Steroid-pumped hamster
Fuel Really watery tea, Ribena
Braking distance Twelve London buses It takes 0km for the Mini to break down.
Suspension A few OXO cubes
Known enemies Reliant Robin, the road
Favourite food Fried egg and cold chips
The correct music for reading this article is 'Driving in My Car' by Madness.

The Mini eats other low budget trundlemobiles for breakfast. Reliant Robins? On toast with beans. Austin Allegros? Mostly fried. Ford Granadas? Well, not really because it's on a diet.

Driven almost exclusively by the very tall, the Mini is, like London, made entirely of Lego and resides in the garages of Highbury, Greater Paris. On weekends it sits in Kent but between 7PM and 4AM it mainly stands due to the lack of free seats. The only people who drive Minis are females (if you see a man in one, it's a shemale) with the exception of Mr. Bean (apart, of course, from weekends).

Technical specs

Ambient3

"Is it just me or are Minis getting bigger?"
In the end, the Tube proved a more efficient way of getting to Birmingham on time.

The Mini is incredibly safe. In actual fact, less people were killed during construction of Minis than by errant meteorite in the year 1997. Furthermore, the Mini has killed more crimininmininals (yes, that is how you spell crimininmininals) through fatal brake faults than any other vehicle, making the streets safe for regular, law-abiding city zens. Now that's impressive. [1]

Speed

The Mini is fast: so fast, it is faster than a slug. And that's a souped-up Cuban speed slug we're talking about here, not just your run-of-the-mill garden type.

However it is in no way as fast as John Prescott at a wedding party when the DJ announces that the buffet is open.

However it is in no way as fat as John Prescott at a wedding party when the DJ enquires as to what happened to the buffet.

Drive train

Why when you can drive a Mini?

Pimping

Pimping is not unheard of in the Mini community. Participation in such activities, however, causes severe gearstick damage and should only be attempted by trained experts... that is to say, experts on trains. Wow, maybe you should drive a train, what with all those automotive experts close at hand.

Models

Swimmingmini

Oh crumbs. John, the car's swimming off again.

Since Blue Peter presenters first pasted bits of cardboard together some years ago, the Mini has seen numerous incarnations, ranging from the very small to the minute. British Leyland's plant in Sellafield has been extremely productive what with its workforce of four armed employees. Recent outsourcing to Eastern Europe has also seen a lucrative business selling episodes of Parkinson on bootleg VHS.

  • Kate Moss (1974) - constantly needed oiling and its airbags deflated long ago.
  • The New Mini (1979), which boasted a revolutionary system known as 'hamster power'.
  • The New New Mini (1980) - same as above but with added brakes, meaning the car could now stop[2] under its own power.
  • Mini Cheddar (1984) - reportedly, the engine was made from biscuits.
  • The Amphibimini (2002), the amphibious Mini. Entered into the London triathlon but hit the wall after the first event. Literally.

Modern Minis

Cutout mini

Cutbacks at BMW have hit the Mini hard. [3]

The Mini factory (which also manufactures Ribena and Ainsley Harriott wafer biscuits) has been relocated to Munich, where German 'efficiency' insists on bulking the car to Arnold Schwarzenegger Danny DeVito proportions. This is, however, the equivalent of pumping Eric the Eel with steroids in a vain hope he will travel from 0-60 in under a minute. In other words, a futile exercise - even Eric Moussambani himself has a larger engine capacity. You can also fit three shopping bags in his boot.

Public opinion

According to a poll of 100 people* 100% of people prefer the old Mini to the new Mini, the Reliant Robin, home decorating, cooking turkeys and even brass door handles.

*Number rounded up to nearest hundred. Actual number polled: 1**
**Person polled: M. Bean, Highbury

You know what sucks?

A vacuum cleaner.

Motorsports

Robinshunt1

In this unseen scene from "Mr. Bean goes F1", the Reliant owner gets his own back on Rowan Atkinson. 3 wheels versus 4 - no contest.

Minis are the car of choice in F8, a car race where competitors drive around Hampstead Heath in 'cars' and cardboard boxes powered by foot like on the Flintstones.

Selected F8 Rally Results for Mini.
Year Driver Result Notes
1975 Pat Moss 1st place No other drivers entered
1987 Jeremy Clarkson   Did not finish   Purposely ran into a wall ("Turning circle of Graham Norton")
1994 Rowan Atkinson Disqualified Illegal locking mechanism
2008 Nigel Mansell Disqualified Illegal fuel (Lucozade)

Use in polite conservation

The Mini is a popular implement in the ongoing process to save Wales. From Rob Brydon.

"My Mini has an oil leak" "CHANGE THE FUSE BOX!"

Threats to existence

See also: Road
Brickattack

Owning a car is becoming increasingly dangerous these days.

The Mini, due to acetic rain and falling pianos, is on the brink of extinction. Have you ever stopped, just for one second to consider the plight of the Mini?

“Actually, yes”
~ Smart Alec

Quiet, you. Who asked you to talk? Just for that, I shall take away your milk monitor privileges.

“That's not fair!”
~ Smart Alec

Nobody never said that life was fair. In fact, Mr. Nobody never said anything considering he's mute. Actually, I think it was a guy in a banana suit that said it. Heh, fruit.

Counterfeits

A batch of counterfeit Mini Coopers has recently hit the market and is currently in general circulation. On the surface, the fakes can look very convincing, but closer inspection reveals ugly, hunking great knock-offs. The Mini Counter Counterfeit Commission (MCCC) has released the following advice and information regarding counterfeit Minis:

  • A genuine Mini is small. A proven method of verifying a Mini's authenticity is by making sure the vehicle is not, in fact, huge.
  • Real Mini Coopers have authentic racing stripes. Be certain the bonnet stripes are fashioned from ordinary duct tape.
  • The exhaust tips on a genuine Mini Cooper should be beer cans. If the exhaust tips are pecans, contact the MCCC[4] immediately. You've found a fake.

The Counterfeit Mini test

Test your knowledge of Mini Coopers by deciding: "Cooper or pooper scooper?" Use the reference tags to see the answers.

Realmini

Bill Bailey out for a Sunday drive.
But is it a Mini? [5]

Notamini

Home-pimped vehicle.
Cooper or pooper scooper? [6]

Fakeryornot

Car belonging to The Terminator.
Mini or not? [7]

Appearance on Top Gear

Now That's What I Call Music! For driving Minis.
Minidriver

This man attempted to destroy his cassette player but missed. He seems pleased anyway.

Released November 8 1993 (UK)
Never (U.S.)
2008 (International waters)
Genre Trundlerock
Length 7 inches
Label £4.99, Marks and Spencer's
Copies sold

25 (UK)
15 (Greenland)
8 (British Antarctic Territory)
1 (Kerguelen)

“I am a driving god. Seriously. I'm more indestructible than Kryptonite, commas and mouldy milk put together! Hahahah. I can do the Monte Carlo rally in my sleep. That not enough for ye? Well, that's nothing. I can drive with the power of my mind! Hahhah! In addition, I can drive without wheels for miles and miles! Check these moves. I failed my driving test though. They thought I was insane. Never mind, eh Harold?”
~ Richard Hammond on a children's ride at Tesco

The Stig crashed a '78 Austin Mini into the Brickmaker's Arms whilst high on helium and fumes from the highly glued engine. It is not known whether he survived, though they found his mixtape Now That's What I Call Music for Driving Minis.

Tracklisting

Side A

  1. "Oh Crumbs, Me Gearknob's Broken Off" - Colin McRae [8] (4:23)
  2. "You're Only Supposed To Blow The Bloody Doors Off (Michael Caine remix)" - Self Preservation Society (5:21)
  3. "Oh Glowria, Whut's This Batton Do?" - Marc Bolan and the Fake Cockney Accent Band [9] (3:09)
  4. "You Don't Need A Big One To Be Happy!" - Person with a very small nose (8:00)

Side B

  1. Ferrari engine noises (to pretend you're in an F50) and whalesong (10:42)
  2. "(I Wanna Be) Elected" - David Cameron (3:58)
  3. Co-op music (4:21)

Side C

  1. Not sure, could be Stairway to Heaven but the tape's all mangled so it sounds like a chipmunk. [10]

Legacy

Clarkson2 dw

"Hello mother! Watch me run over some political activists." Seconds later, the bloody doors blew off. Clarkson was sadly unharmed.

Is a rubbish car, so get the Mini instead.

Special offers

In 2008, Mini launched their latest offer: if you can spot the deliberate fault in the new model you can apply for a free dying license. It's like a driving license only you get to die less often. [11]

“How fun!”
“Shut up and review some more expensive cars that I can't afford. ”

You certainly need a dying license for the Mini as it is illegal to commit suicide. Well, that settles it. You should definitely take the train. [12]

Notes

Minicrash

Evidence of Postman Pat's dodgy hit and run business. The poor owner of the Mini seen here, one Ted Glen, was left with £13 worth of damages and a phobia of stamp adhesive.

  1. The Mini cannot, however, play the violin with its tongue.
  2. To a certain extent.
  3. With a chainsaw.
  4. No, not the Mad Cheese Collectors Club.
  5. Pooper Scooper: no, this is not genuine. Real Minis are made from Lego and cardboard, not paper mache.
  6. Pooper Scooper: this is a modified Lamborghini.
  7. Cooper: a real Mini Cooper, indicated by the official nameplate - the seal of Cooper quality.
  8. Oooh... too soon?
  9. Oooooooh... too soon?
  10. Though to be honest, with Robert Plant you wouldn't be able to tell anyway.
  11. The Mini is actually 100% safe and not at all prone to wheel detachment at speeds of over 30mph.
  12. This proves that teeth can be true but are invariably false.

References

  • Mr Bean's Highbury District Council Diary 1993, Boxtree

See also

External links

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