Minesweeper

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“The game's too fucking hard”

~ Average Joe on Minesweeper

“#1 game for civilains in Afghanistan, Iraq and Gautemela”

~ Bill Gates

“We pirated Windows just to play minesweeper it really helps us to avoid all US dropped mines”

~ Kabullah a civilian from Iraq

4,000 years ago, on the desert steppes of Virginia and Nyasaland, a simple pastoralist people invented a game where you step carefully among a plethora of squares. If you stepped on the wrong square, you fell into a pit of lima beans and disappeared forever. Sadly, that simple pastoralist people vanished from the earth a few days thereafter.

In 1989, Bill Gates and the evil Steve Ballmer designed a version of this game for computers. Sadly, he did not vanish from the earth a few days thereafter. It was recently succeeded be a popular documentary called How to clear a green field. No one plays minesweeper. Execpt Kai. Kai plays minesweeper.

Contents 1 Use for Military Training Purposes 1.1 Initial Failures of the Mine Barrier 2 The computer version of Minesweeper 3 A Basic Set Of Rules 4 Minesweeper Console 5 MMORPG Explosion 6 Mine Sweeper Goes RL 7 Mine Sweeper Competition? 8 Mine Sweeper Game: The Movie 9 Brainwashing 10 See also

[edit] Use for Military Training Purposes

In 1984, the military adopted Minesweeper as a training simulator for both professional mine sweepers and mine planters. However, use was not widespread until the beginning of World War I, which began after an Eastasian hitman assassinated Eurasian leader Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Because Oceania had always been allied with Eastasia, a major campaign which explored the possibilities of trench warfare was launched, and a barrier of terrestrial mines was planted before the trenches for protection.

[edit] Initial Failures of the Mine Barrier

When the war began, the United States Government spent approximately 440 billion dollars on mines (figure adjusted for inflation), failing to realize that satellite imaging/laser weaponry enabled Eurasian forces to locate and eliminate most mines, thus maximizing enemy casualties. In order to overcome this disadvantage, the Government quickly commissioned Microsoft to produce a version of the game that could be distributed to American homes, allowing mine sweepers to train at their own expense rather than the expense of the military.

Minesweeper has also been used as the main invasion tool for the recent USII (United States and their annexes Iraq and Iran who are not related to Al- Quaeda) war. Users in America unknowingly are connected to American marines who with their blinding intelligence, attack the spot were the user has clicked. EG c2 on the minesweeper board relates to southern Baghdad. The US has been heavily criticized by foreign governments for wasting thousands of lives with the "Try Here and Hope to God You Don't Die" system. But the main reason for the criticism is the fact that soldier's lives are being placed in the hands of a Microsoft product.

[edit] The computer version of Minesweeper

The computer game of minesweeper is an award winning strategy game and the single most popular strategy game in the history of computer games, surpassing Starcraft and stupid Sid Meieier's Civilization XXX, although its lead comes under the danger of being surpassed by the popular set of games called "freecell, hearts and pinball", which contain the games World of Whorecraft, Final Fantasy XxX and The legend of Zelda: Horny princess.

Even so there remains a huge base of support for minesweeper, so much that it has even been rebranded many times, the most popular being sweepminer, minepersweep, and of course the Windows version "Sweeping mines with a mop".

Minesweeper has been purchased by more than 3.0 * 10^9 kg m ^ (-3) number of people. However, this does not reveal the true numbers, as many people get the game from the many piracy and illegal software sites available on the internet, such as www.microsoft.com or www.runescape.com

Also, some fans also buy more than 1 copy of the game, including those from www.googleearth.com , a page that developes shareware that you have to pay for. However, you can get the full version free of charge at www.paypal.com.

The computer game Minesweeper also has a large community on the net, actively supporting the game, providing hints etc. One of the best hints is to reformat your computer, reinstall windows, and then delete windows, before going to google and searching for "how can I get infected by viruses". That way, you will get a black screen after getting yourself infected, which is the screen in which they tell you you've won the game.

Recent scientific evidence has brought the conclusion that, if an expert minesweeper game is ever completed in less that 1 minute, the position of the flags are intricate blue prints to a construction almost as mysterious and just as dull as stonehenge.

[edit] A Basic Set Of Rules

0. No matter how hard you try, Steve Ballmer will always have a higher score then you.

1. Never, ever, ever give up.

2. Never, ever, ever shake a wicket.

3. Booty is not a wicket.

4. Wickets, however, can be booty -- but only on Michaelmas of even-numbered years.

5. Watch yer step, luv.

6. One word: Tilt.

7. Try and try again.

8. If in doubt, start again at Rule #2. b. If you get here again and are still in doubt then go back to -10034 9. In all you do, give the credit to Sophia.

10. Never touch the little red button.

11. If you're ever in doubt, click randomly.

12. WARNING: This is the only useful feature in your computer.

13. ANOTHER WARNING: Clicking on the wrong square (or, in some people's opinions, the right square) may cause your mouse to explode, hence the name Minesweeper. This is the only useful tool in your computer, especially if your mouse is evidence in a crime.

14. dont trust the yellow smiley... trust me

15. You will never truly win the game

[edit] Minesweeper Console

In the year 666 AD, Microsoft released Minesweeper Console as an addon to Minesweeper. This addon allowed average bisexual geeks using Windows Vista (codename "Bishta") to use their DOS prompt while playing Minesweeper. The addon was released for $666.66 (version 6.6.666.666.6666666) for Minesweeper 6.0.6000.666. However, when Microsoft started selling Minesweeper Console to n00blets, their head a sploded after they entered "Exit" and found out they could never exit. This is what turned our world in to the polluted shit it is today. Microsoft never fixed the a sploding bug, and there's still an average of 666 n00blets' heads a sploding per year.

[edit] MMORPG Explosion

In the latest spread of MMORPG games, Minesweeper has swiftly become the game of choice among elderly gamers. Recent surveys have shown that up to 70 percent of all old people in American neighbourhoods play at least 3.57 hours of Minesweeper in a week, clearly revealing that Minesweeper is the world's most popular MMORPG.

[edit] Mine Sweeper Goes RL

Mine Sweeper has officially released their Real-Life Version of Minesweeper. You can play it at your local starbucks or Albertsons.

WARNING: The Creators of Minesweeper have no Responsibility of any injuries that occur while playing Mine Sweeper-RL, you have agreed to a contract once you put your coin, quarter, peso, gold, silver, credits, special juice, wooden teeth, or Gift Card in the Donkeys mouth. The Donkey if your All purposes of Mine Sweeper, using the donkey while in the game files for a lawsuit will be enforced on to you. Remember play safe =).

[edit] Mine Sweeper Competition?

The Only competitive contest for Minesweeper players is a crazy compitition called the Golden Globes. If you want to join, make some crazy song, or crazy movie to get on the "award show."

[edit] Mine Sweeper Game: The Movie

Is it Holes? "That clock is going to keep going until it reaches 9 - 9 - 9!!" "What happens then??" "Nothing! You just SUCK!"

[edit] Brainwashing

Minesweeper (Microsoft codename Mindsweeper) was created by Bill Gates to "sweep" the mind of anything but the game. In extreme cases, people have been know to play for weeks, surviving only on overcaffinated lattes and M&M's. In a recent press conference Bill Gates explained that he could control Minesweeper addiced teens with an Xbox 360 and a controller. When asked why he wanted to control teens Gates answered by asking "how else am I going to get kids to buy Halo 3? And the Xbox360 to go with it. Even I admit it's a piece of shit"

[edit] See also

• Lumines