Milton Keynes

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Milton Keynes1

Milton Keynes station, as seen by most visitors.

Milton Keynes2

The same photo, viewed through a reality revealing filter.

Milton Keynes Gallery

In places the OMG! field wears thin, producing strange distortions such as this prison block

“It's not a place but a state of mind.”

Milton Keynes, a supposed New Town in the South East of England, located roughly mid-way between Oxford and Cambridge with a population of around 215,000,000, is in fact a mass hallucination caused by mind-control experiments by the Ministry of Defence in 1967.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Milton Keynes.

edit Urban Design

The Milton Keynes Oscillatory Mind Garbler, or the "OMG!", was produced by the spraying of psychotropic drugs into the atmosphere above Stamfordshire. Why the field eventually settled and intensified over Milton Keynes is not fully understood, although it is thought to have something to do with quantum. Another theory states that it was deliberately released from the production site at Bletchley, home to a large secret government base which has been fully disguised by the illusion as a harmless cryptography museum. The direct action of these drugs was then modified and controlled by the use of countrywide directional broadcasts of intense radiation and pulsed subliminal broadcasts. A side effect of this process was a release of inhibitions that was the direct cause of the 1967 Summer of Love and flower-print flared trousers1. It also transformed the nearby towns of Leighton Buzzard, Linslade and Aylesbury into giant rats that fought to take control of the UK until finally being overpowered by Maggie Thatcher, who ate them and took on their radioactive powers.

The combined effect of these processes is to produce a solid appearing and detailed hallucination shared by the whole UK population. The effect is strong enough to also affect broadcasts from inside the contaminated area, and residual effects of the radiation would also have an effect on tourists to the town2. From all tests and surveys it seems that the field is fully stable and the whole population has been successfully convinced of the reality of the town. Outside of the UK there seems to be little suspicion of the reality of Milton Keynes, although the testing team were hard pushed to find anyone who had heard of it in the first place.

One scientist involved in this experiment has claimed that the broadcasts were aimed at convincing the UK population that they should not buy Sgt. Lt. Pepper's Only Lonely Hearts Club Bandana, as part of the government's attempts to divert the subversive effect of The Beatles. But this has been denied by others who insist that the illusion of Milton Keynes was the real aim and the experiment was a complete success... honest.

edit Cultural Experience

The Sgt. Pepper's theory has some merit however, given the success rate of other experiments of this type performed by the Ministry. Their most successful test started in 1979 and dissolved dramatically just ten years later. This experiment, which had the aim of convincing the UK population that Margaret Thatcher was not a heartless bitch, appears to be the pinnacle of the OMG! tests, and yet was showing cracks as early as 1983.

Other tests, including an attempt to blind the population to a massive theft of all their shillings in 1971, and to convince TV viewers that Bruce Forsyth was funny, failed dramatically. Rumours that a second generation Oscillatory Mind Garbler, making use of the Wavefinding Transmutation Function entered testing in 1994 and has been in operation since 1997, have never been confirmed.

Post WTF testing in 1997, Milk-on-Beans has been host to several reality projects/experiments, such as the highly publicised, ongoing "Little Sister" series, (Later copied by channel 4, to make Big Brother)in which "randomly" selected "competitors" were made to live with one another for 10 years. Inmates are required to further their struggle for survival by eradicating each other, made easier by the "Audience Weapon Selection Scheme". Each week, viewers of the show are invited to phone in suggestions as to new weapons that can be introduced to the house. Limitations are set on weapons permitted, usually nothing more deadly than J-cloths are permitted, although at Christmas, tinsels, baubles etc are allowed. Of the original 5,000,000 contestants, 45,000,000,000 survive.

Some radical theorists have proposed that Milton Keynes urban design, which leaves many "outsiders" in complete bemusement and saying such common phrases as "It all looks the same!" and "I got dizzy on the roundabouts" was a deliberate attempt to keep them out, and thus leaving the true glory of Keynes to be felt only by true Miltons.

edit Inhabitants

One can only speculate how the entire population of Milton Keynes has been fooled into believing that the wilderness they go about their day to day lives in, is actually a city. One explanation is that newborns at Milton Keynes hospital (92.2 % of the population of Milton Keynes were born here) are injected with hallucinogens and mind control drugs at birth. The hospital itself may even be an illusion, as anyone who has ever been there in this hallucinogenic state, will tell you. Mostly due to the frankly barbarian medical philosophies employed within.

As a precaution these drugs are also put into fast food and alcoholic beverages at every Wetherspoons pub, thus ensuring that new arrivals into Milton Keynes are also fooled, as 99.24% of the population is under 25 years old. This does however mean that the older generation who are few in number are not affected by these drugs and are seen wandering in inexplicable places evidently confused. There is of course a terrible price to pay for this experiment in that depression amongst the mind-controlled youth is extremely high, not to mention that once inhabitants are assimilated into Milton Keynes they can no longer function in other cities and towns. Many are killed on roads, either trying to cross because they can't find an underpass, or confused by the haphazard road network which isn't laid out in a convenient grid system.

edit Where Am I?

Although the hallucination of Milton Keynes is solid and almost completely unbreakable, there are hints that the town is not all it appears. The main one cited is the absolute impossibility of its road system. It is logically impossible that any town could have so many roundabouts, and the tendency for some individuals to totally fail to find the way into the town has occasionally raised suspicions. Another hint is the number of the junction of the M1 that supposedly serves the town - junction 13½, and the fact that the town is supposedly on the West Coast Main Line, despite it being significantly inland.

Alongside this is the main choice of transportation in Milton Keynes, the Chelsea Tractor, otherwise known as a "luxury 4x4". This of course relates to the real location of the Milton Keynes halucination; rural buckinghamshire. Without these armoured, "fuel-efficient" vehicles, inhabitants of Milton Keynes would become lost or bogged down in the vast wilderness of the Milton Keynes area.

Further suspicions have been raised by the growing realisation that nobody important has ever been born in Milton Keynes. A weather presenter on GMTV has claimed to have been born in the town, but her claim has widely been rejected on the basis that "weather presenter" and "important" are mutually exclusive.

Another clue is found in the online encyclopaedia Wikipedia. An article about Errol Barnett, an anchor for Channel One News [1], says that he was born and raised in Milton Keynes and grew up in Arizona. The impossibility of being raised in one place, while simultaneously growing up in another, seems not to have occurred to Wikipedia or, it seems, to Mr Barnett himself.34

Other clear signs that Milton Keynes cannot be real are the implausibility of its public "art" (see also concrete cows), the fact that the campusless Open University is supposedly based there, and the Milton Keynes Dons. Some literature claims that a film Superman IV was filmed in the city, with it standing in as Metropolis - this is clearly a hoax as there was no such film Superman IV.

edit Natural Disasters

On the 27th of February, 2008, in connection with the Gainsborough earthquake, Milton Keynes was ravaged by a vicious tremor, killing several and leading to the establishment of MKAID (not to be confused with "MKAID" the anal-lubrication). MKAID was established to raise money and awareness of natural disasters in Milton Keynes. Below is a copy of the letter sent from MKAID to the inhabitants of the more affluent and literate Bedfordshire.

edit Letter from MKAID

Milton Keynes Earthquake Appeal

Dear Sir/Madam/Lord

An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit the new city of Milton Keynes on Wednesday morning.

Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly as many residents of Fishermead were woken before their 'giros' arrived and it caused quite a panic!

The earthquake decimated half of the Fullers Slade area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a cute little donkey that 'broke wind' when you clapped your hands.

Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and many piles of scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

One resident of Netherfield, Miss Kylie Davies a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock, three of my daughters; Burberry-Rooney, Destiny-Mercedes and Crystal-Beckham-Syphillis came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle".

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Red Bull to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous "Elizabeth Duke" sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

How can you help?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially medicinal White Lightening Cider and Kestrel.

Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a 'signing-on' biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo's lorry. Your help is appreciated.

Yours Faithfully,

Dr. Jane Smith MKAID

edit Medical Advancements

Milton Keynes is the first and only town in the world to have naturally developed an airborne strain of pregnancy.5 Whereas most people would consider pregnancy a miracle of life, residents of Milton Keynes look upon it rather as a common long-term disease. And in fact there are many who believe that pregnancy at the age of 12-16 is the highest calling in life. So they will actively seek out this strain in order to impregnate themselves. Often multiple times before they are 18.

edit The Tree of Life

This tree, perhaps the only real thing in Milton Keynes, exists solely to fool the inhabitants into thinking that they in fact live in a City. As opposed to an elaborate fictitious town, which exists only because it has been drawn on the map. Everything that "exists" in MK, is entirely connected to the tree. If the tree dies so does this fictitious town. The tree itself has to be thought of as a bit of an idiot, to allow itself to allow others to believe that they were building a shopping complex around it, as it has lead to the demise of the tree itself. Although perhaps it was the elaborate scheme created by some Machiavellian minds to destroy, Bletchley, Newport Pagnell and Wolverton. If so such a pity it didn't include Luton in the plan.

edit Notes

  1. Gilbert and Sullivan were married in Milton Keynes.
  2. The famous intellectual Arnold Schwarzenegger apparently said that the opera in Venice was worse than 'A night out in Milton Keynes.'
  3. Despite roundabouts being something that Milton Keynes is famous for, it does not have any of the magical variety. Currently only Swindon, Colchester; High Wycombe and Hemel Hempstead can boast of the blessed multi-circles, something which upsets the middle-class residents of Milton Keynes a great deal.

edit See also

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