Millwall

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Kilt loving friends: Legendary Millwall hardman Dave Sinclair and friends

Millwall is a football club based in Bermondsey, formed by a group of haggis loving anti-American imperialists in the late 1990's. This mentality was the foundation for their famous song "No-one likes the U.S, we don't care!". The founder members wanted an environment where they could practice their religion of haggis-shagging without fear of persecution. Millwall were forced to flee south of the river by Mark Noble and Bobby Moore's great great granparents back in the eartly twentieth century after they were caught giving the great grandaughters of said great great grandparents a womb like a plasters radio, ever since then they've hated all cockneys and East London, making Jamie Oliver and Guy Richie very upset.

For more on Millwall, please also see Mickey Mouse.

[edit] Millwall and football hooliganism

A Millwall fan rescues a cat from a tree. Note how there are palm trees in South London. The Millwall fan is also black, and thus not racist.

Millwall have a reputation for being crap at football, but rather good at twatting passers by with lumps of wood. However, the reality is somewhat different, and Millwall fans can frequently be found doing good deeds and fine works all around the world. Most leper colonies have a number of Millwall fans who help out, e.g. by picking up lost limbs, peeling off leperous scabs from inmates, that sort of thing. Fire stations around the UK have Millwall fans on call to assist with helping cats out of trees, as British firefighters feel unqualified to handle animals.

Perhaps Millwall's greatest good deed came during a fixture at Luton. In this instance the Millwall supporters, shocked to the core at how derelict and pathetic the home side's stadium was, took it upon themselves to demolish the offending eyesore. This demolition of Kennilworth Road would have freed up valuable space for the town to erect something more aesthetically pleasing, such as a 100ft accurate replica of a dog turd.

The Millwall fans' intentions were, unfortunately, misunderstood. They were roundly condemned and the blight on the landscape that is Kennilworth Road persists to this day.

Every cloud has a single lining, however. British broadcasters and particularly the BBC frequently have gaps in their schedules, which they fill by broadcasting the footage of the Luton "riot" repeatedly. Millwall FC consequently receive valuable royalty money for such broadcasts.

[edit] Millwall and West Ham

The two became friends shortly after being introduced to eachother by rival dock-workers union representatives intent on creating violence and enmity between the two, this plan failed and the two have been friends ever since. After long games of backgammon - which involved eating the back of a gammon steak - and crocker; Millwall and West Ham would frequent the pub, wherein they would get smashed; all in all good friends.

Viscious rumours by the press, the Queen, and Oscar Wilde, envious of such firm freindship, have circulated that Millwall and West Ham are in fact "violent towards eachother," and "a prime example of football hooliganism". This assesment is not all unfair. The recent Millwall vs West Ham F.A. cup match was misunderstood by the world at large, for what was essentially a bit of boystrous fun. Green Street had hundreds of riot police, and mounted policemen during, before, and sometime after the match; cars, bottles, and men were all smashed, but hey; this is football. If you asked the average Millwall fan what he thought of the match - unless he was the fan who was stabbed - he would say "Good clean fun".

[edit] Facts about Millwall

• Millwall's nickname is "the Lines", as a result of the activities many supporters and most players get up to in the cubicles of public toilets.
• It is part of the constitution of the FA that Millwall must NEVER be given a penalty. Similarly they must have at least one player sent off every game.
• Millwall once got to the FA Cup final. They played Manchester United, who sportingly agreed to give Millwall an infinite number of goals as a head start. Unfortunately Millwall still lost.
• Millwall was once managed by ex-England and Chelsea shortarse Dennis Wise. However, Wise's tenure came to an end when the club lost him. I mean, literally, LOST him. To this day, back room staff at Millwall still occasionally spend a few minutes lifting up stray pieces of paper just in case someone left him on a desk somewhere under a load of paperwork.
• Millwall v Charlton is the most one-sided local derby in English history. Regardless of the two rivals' league placings, Charlton always lose such fixtures. This was evidenced recently when Charlton Cricket Club played Millwall FC. Millwall won by five goals to three runs all out.
• Millwalls biggest fan is Jonny Langley, from Barnet. Jonny is often found frequenting the gyms of Peckham in an attempt to qualify as the the biggest biggest fan - as he is a skinny brere.
• The last time Millwall faced rivals West Hamas at the Den, they won 4-1. This directly led to a number of armed conflicts breaking out in the Middle East.
• Millwall's most successful manager is Steve Claridge. Under Claridge's reign, Millwall never lost a single competitive match, a remarkable feat. Some historians denounce this achievement by pointing out that Claridge's Millwall never actually PLAYED a competitive match, but Lions fans refute this argument by slapping such historians around the face with a brick. Meanwhile, Claridge is nonplussed by such criticism. "Tennis is gay" he beamed. Despite retiring from management, he stayed on at the club as a player, vowing never to stop, and at the tender age of 136 is still the first name on the teamsheet.
• Millwall's well-known former stadium, "The Den", is named after one of Millwall's most well-loved former chairmen, Mr Theodore Den, or "The" to his friends.
• Similarly, Millwall's current stadium, "The New Den", is named after Theodore Den's son, Theodore Newton Den, or "The New" to his friends, who also went onto become chairman.