Millions of Americans
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Millions was born in Colby, Kansas to Staci Americans, a struggling single mother who, like many of her lower tax bracket peers, was terrible at picking names. The name "Millions" was chosen after a deal was made with God in order to win the lottery, a deal that God reportedly still has yet to honor.
Staci Americans recalls Millions' school years as the first sign of what would be his most unusual life. His mother was brought to school a week after he was enrolled and discovered that Millions Of Americans suffered from ADHD, ADD, Asperger's Syndrome, high-functioning autism, and dyslexia in elementary school. As years went by, Millions learned to deal with these mental conditions, only to learn upon entering middle school that Millions Of Americans suffered from anorexia and bulimia.
High school brought even more worries into the Americans' lives. Millions Of Americans had trouble making friends, maintaining good grades, getting into good colleges, and paying for the ones he did get into.
Throughout his childhood, Millions Of Americans suffered from child abuse at the hand of his mother. When she was later confronted about it, she told Dateline that "Millions Of Americans made poor grades in school and used drugs and alcohol." Doctors also commented on Millions Of Americans' alcohol addiction, saying that Millions Of Americans developed alcoholism from his mother.
In 1988, Millions Of Americans had no job. He moved to San Francisco to find a woman . He wanted to take out a loan and start a frozen yogurt stand. However, he learned that Millions Of Americans' small businesses fail within the first year.
Americans' career in advertising began after a chance encounter at an Applebees. An advertising team working on a campaign for Zantax overheard him telling a waitress that he couldn't eat rare meat after he learned that Millions Of Americans get food poisoning from rare meat. They offered him a contract, which he declined at first. After some negotiation and a few too many hot cocoas (Millions Of Americans suffers from caffeine addiction) he signed a contract that allowed them to use his name without requiring him to actually appear in the commercial or even record his voice. He simply signed the contract and began receiving checks at home.
Initially, Millions Of Americans rejoiced at the idea of free money. Millions Of Americans made several appearances on morning talk shows, and had an interview published in the Wall Street Journal.
During the nineties, Millions of Americans lived comfortably, started a family with a wife and two children, and moved to Los Angeles. Life was good for the Americans. However, Millions decided to become involved in politics after the 2000 election. Millions Of Americans did not vote for George W. Bush and believed that the entire election was a sham. The years that would follow only caused Millions Of Americans to become more and more outraged.
In 2004, Millions Of Americans decided to run for president.
Millions Of Americans ran on a populist platform that called for nationalization of health care, greater control over businesses, and tax cuts for the middle class. He endorsed an end to the war in Iraq, while calling for an increase in military spending to strengthen national defenses. However, he did not receive support from the Democratic party and knew early on that he stood little chance of winning the party's nomination after he was told by DNC chairman Howard Dean that "we feel like throwing another election down the toilet. Maybe in '08, champ."
Millions Of Americans, angry at the Democratic party for their consistent lack of interest in winning elections, voted for George W. Bush in 2004.
Return to advertising
While his bid for the presidency did not last very long at all, he still received attention from a variety of special interest groups, to include the American Dental Association, the National Rifle Association, and a number of consumers' rights groups. He agreed to lobby for them, and was considered by many to be the perfect spokesperson for what seemed like virtually any industry. Millions Of Americans willingly signed deals with these groups, sharing that he himself suffered from gingivitis, owned a gun and had been in a car accident as a result of a faulty car transmission. He also continued to endorse prescription drugs that he personally felt were important; Millions Of Americans suffered from genital herpes, skin cancer, and erectile dysfunction.
In late 2007, Millions Of Americans was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, AIDS, ALS, and polio. Since then, Millions Of Americans has become an avid supporter of stem cell research. After appearing in a television ad endorsing the controversial research, Rush Limbaugh received much negative attention after he stated on his show that "Millions Of Americans faked it."