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"We stand so close together, but we are so far apart".

Millennials (formerly christened Generation Y) are the generation/demographic cohort of humans born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11. Or 1980 and 2001. Or 1982 and 2004. Or 1980 and 2000. Or 1980 and 1995. Or 1981 and 1997. Or 1977 and 1994. Or after 1980. Whatever group of young people that older people dislike. They did or didn’t experience the “Nuthin’ Nineties“, did or didn’t survive the Iraq War, do or don’t vape, and are forever caught in an emotional triangle of economic despair, constantly putdowns from their elders, crippling student loan debts, and shell-shock caused by the prospect that they will have to work until the day they drop dead. According to Fox News, their love of avocado toast endangers the Great Empire of America, and avocado toastism may lead to communist state takeover at the hands of Millennials' socialist god Bernie Sanders.

The Millennials appeared at just the right time to witness the economic and political golden age of the 1990s, but not quite old enough to enjoy the rave scene — unfortunately, the rug was yanked out from them all too soon, as both the excessive abuse of drugs and the economy (often simultaneously) presented their bill. Despite being in their 20s and 30s, many still only make minimum wage, reside with their parents, and rarely reproduce — although sleeping in their childhood bedroom, with its Thomas the Tank Engine wallpaper and a Star Wars themed single bed, is as big a passion killer as regular visits from "mummy", just in case either partner had become "hungry" in the last 7 minutes.

There are currently 75 million Millennials in the United States, and they have recently surpassed the boomers in numbers. Depending on which generation you ask, this is either a great thing, or a terrifying thing.

edit History of Millennials

The Millennials are the cohort succeeding Generation X. They grew up with the presidencies of Reagan, Bush 41, Clinton, Bush 43, and Obama; several notable events witnessed were the end of the Cold War, the Gulf War, the Los Angeles riots, Bill Clinton nearly being impeached over a blowjob, Columbine, the Internet going from being privatized by the government to being used by everyone and their dog, the first African-American president, the Virginia Tech Massacre, a metric ton of Internet memes, the rise of social media and smartphones, and the creation of a hedonistic, materialistic world filled with drones.

Truly, this is a lot to take in. Despite this cohort being only about 15-20 years long, each year produced noticeably different people from their superiors; someone born in 1985, for instance, would’ve been in high school during the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal, while someone born in 1995 would’ve been sucking a dummy.

edit Types of Millennials

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Millennials.

Millennials born in the early 1980s are among the few in the generation to have memories of the Cold War. In their childhoods, they lived with paranoia over whether another member of Def Leppard would die or lose a limb; later, in their teen and adult years, they faced the threat of Y2K, the 2000 elections, and being sent off to a quagmire war in the Middle East. They also recall a time when you could wear a trenchcoat to school without getting arrested. They were the first kids on the block to make their own Geocities pages, and the last cohort of teenagers who still made use of "jazz mags", seeing as the Internet was still on dial-up and images took five minutes to load. They grew up without dope MMOs like World of Warcraft; instead, they had Elite on the Commodore 64 and Dungeons and Dragons played on the table, with a set of dice and a pencil.

Those born from the mid-1980s to early 1990s form the heart and soul of the Millennial Generation. In their childhoods, they saw Japanese culture boom in the West, with franchises like Pokemon, Digimon, and Yu-Gi-Oh spawning a generation of weeaboos, and instilling moral panic in their parents who believed these franchises were Satanic. In their teen years, they experienced the rise of Web 2.0, with MMOs like World of Warcraft, MapleStory, and Ragnarok; sites for hentai original content like AlbinoBlackSheep, Newgrounds, and YouTube; and social media sites such as MySpace and Facebook. In their adult years, they voted for Barack Obama in the 2008 election, mesmerized by his platitudes of “hope” and “change” that they hoped would reverse the financial Recession they had graduated into.

Millennials born in the mid-1990s to early 2000s form a sort cross-generation with Generation Z; five-second attention spans, little or no memory of 9/11, love for EDM and trap music, and an even more meme-savy culture are just a few of their characteristics. Most social justice warriors, as well as the alt-right, are from this age group, as they use their memes to gain traction in a way that middle-aged politicians can only aspire to.

edit Characteristics

Millennials have been described in the media as “flighty and transient”, “entitled”, “spoiled”, and “narcissistic“ — not unlike how their parents, the Boomers, were described as youths. They follow in these footsteps by “smoking weed ‘erryday”, pretending to be hippies, and holding far-left-leaning viewpoints. Millennials communicate via social media such as Facebook, Twitter, Vine, Instagram, and Snapchat; as these platforms encourage minimalism, this results in them having the attention span of a goldfish. While tech-savvy, they often make poor employees, always needing to be congratulated or thanked for doing their job.

Ecstasy is the best thing in the world, and the seventh best thing in the galaxy. Millennials, sadly, were just a little late to appreciate the Summer of Love, and instead go to police-affiliated institutions called nightclubs.

Generation Y enjoys the sexual liberalism of Generation X, but without the sex. The sexual experience of Millennials is largely concerned with the spermicidal tendencies of plastic bags, worrying about whether you are "as good" as the next, previous, and other 406 lovers, whether your figure is longer than Hadrian's Wall, and finding an abortion clinic with a waiting list that doesn't exceed twelve months.

Millennials are the most promiscuous generation on record; esoteric sexual acts, such as fellatio, anal sex, fellatio, rimjobs, BDSM, and yiffing, are widely accepted (or soon to be accepted) in today’s society. They often have sex on the first date, and have kids out of wedlock. Many often date single mothers and raise other men's kids. In public, is not uncommon to find a Millennial donning yoga pants, micro-mini skirts and shorts, or even see-through clothing.

As mentioned above, Millennials are exceedingly liberal. They often identify as liberal, socialist, marxist, or even communist, support LGBT rights to a high degree, and voted en-masse for Bernie Sanders. They are infamously known for being politically correct, so much that they will sue you for even looking at them or calling them names. On college campuses, they have implemented microaggressions, safe spaces, and trigger warnings to protect them from mean words that hurt their feelings.

edit Millennial mindset

Cause Effect
"You can do/be anything you want!" Unwarranted self-importance
(Endless heaps of undeserved praise) See above.
(Rewarding them trophies for everything) See above.
"Sex is bad and will kill you!" Significant teen pregnancy hikes
Helicopter Parenting Paranoid, submissive youth
"Free Range Parenting" Undisciplined youth.
"You are a special person!" (Thinks the world owes them everything)
"Just be yourself!" Entitlement issues
Divorce, neglect, abuse, etc Suicide, depression, drug use, etc.

Despite cursory analyses, Millennials do posses some cognitive skills. Of particular interest to modern psychologists are the skills of empathy and metacognition. Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, is extremely retarded in the Millennial. He, she, or it can only empathize with other Millennials who belong to the same group. Neurologists speculate that all of these people may posses a gland unobserved in other humans that enables them to detect and identify another Millennial. This hypothetical gland is tentatively called the "doosh gland". Through this "doosh gland", millennials can find another of their kind, so they can bitch and complain about the last time they were "triggered".

Psychologists are also interested in the Millennial ability to be metacognitive, which is most easily explained as the act of thinking about one's thinking, and thinking about one's feelings. No Millennial yet studied, has shown any propensity for self evaluation. This is not to be confused with "self-identification", which they obsess over. Thus far, psychologist have detected Millennial werewolves, fairies, (not just the gay ones), elves, and bronies. The consensus is the typical Millennial has the mental and emotional age of an 11-year-old fat kid named Nardy.

edit See also

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