Millard Fillmore

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Millard Fillmore
No image
Political career
Order 13th President of the United States
Vice President N/A
Term of office July 9, 1850–March 4, 1853
Preceded by James Polk
Succeeded by Franklin Pierce
Political party Wig
Personal details
Nationality American
Date of birth 1800
Place of birth New York
Date of death March 8, 1874
Place of death Buffalo
First Lady N/A

Millard Tiberius Fillmore is one of the least well known presidents. Academics claim this is because Fillmore is so bad that he doesn't deserve a mention. In the course of the paper, they mention Fillmore 20 times. For being such hypocrites, all academics commit suicide after the paper is published.

edit Before the Presidency

Mill-Fill was born in a log cabin somewhere. He wanted to hunt vampires because he was born there, but didn't succeed. Like most of us, Fillmore had a crush on his teacher. Unlike most of us, he married her. Fillmore was asked to go into politics by Thurlow Weed, although Weed just made the name up while high on his namesake cultivar of cannabis.

Fillmore went into the legislature as a Anti-Masonic candidate, but after learning the handshake, he was unimpressed. He became a Wig instead. Fillmore broke into the Upper Circuit when he became Taylor's Veep, not to be confused with Taylor Swift's first car, a Veep Grand Charity. Swift was totally ripped off.

edit The Presidency

Mallard Fillmore

Fillmore's campaign manager, sketched here by conservative vampire "The" Bruce Tinsley

Millard Fillmore became the President because Zachary Taylor, or Old Rough and Ready, was a bit too old and rough and not enough ready. Upon assuming the Presidency, he fulfilled the Wig Party platform by wearing a large wig for his Oath of Office.

Fillmore was the only atheist president, but no one knew because he said "So help me God". He was actually telling his aide Godfrey to take his wig off, but was cut short by his wig.

Fillmore had to direct the Compromise of 1850, which was about slavery. Being a skeptic, he didn't believe in black people. Once he saw black people, he believed, and he was able to mastermind the Compromise. Some people were still slaves, but some black people were just "inhabitants of a plantation that do hard labor that aren't slaves." Daniel Webster could finally sleep, because his murder of a slave was forgiven by the compromise.

Fillmore also sent Commodore Perry to open up Japan. Under the deal he struck, Japan could trade with the rest of the world. The lasting result of this is the great Japanese place in the Food Court of the National Mall, Kanagawa Hibachi Steakhouse and Sushi.

Fillmore is best remembered for his campaign strategist, a mallard duck, who outlived him and became a well-known conservative reporter.

edit After the Presidency

After a tough retirement, Fillmore ran as the Know Nothing candidate, which was perfect because no one knew anything about him. However, the party was an anti-immigrant and anti-Catholic party. Knowing nothing about this, Fillmore was miraculously able to win Maryland, although James Buchanan won most other states. Fillmore was unhappy with the Civil War, mostly because he was still a Know Nothing, and knew nothing about what was going on.

Fillmore died in 1874. His last words were "I'm going to say something witty that will land me in the history books. Why did the chicken cross the road?" No one knows what his next remark was going to be.

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