Milk
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| WARNING |
|---|
| Cow milk is known in certain religions to 'dirty your soul' because it is in fact, for cows, not humans. According to this religion the consumption of cow milk may also cause your nose to turn into that of a cow.
Beware this fact as you enjoy your happy meal. |
“I am the Milkman. My Milk is delicious.”
“I like to make my own milk once or twice a day, It feeds the cat. The internet makes it that much easier.”
Milk is an off-white viscous ooze (not to be mistaken for unicorn blood™, or semen) that is excreted from the mammalian protuberances of fur-laden animals. This article will attempt to confine its attention to milk of the porcine (i.e cow, also known as coo in the old english language) variety.
Contents |
[edit] Milk: The master of milk
Our story begins in the unseen yeminish jungles, where in the medineutral fort of trees, deepest soilent green morass's are wallowed in by simian who dresses as sorcerer and such. he is only know as "hallow glass port containing mugget sand" but most people just call him milk master of Atlantis.
He is mainly known for his skills in being at least fluorescent and hardly ever breaking into preschools and writing tri-tangle on all the towels with his own brine. Inside this ancient simian sack of morbid flesh dwells special blue heart this is no ordinary special blue heart, this heart is blessed with chimneys clogged with old old tangus bronze which grants the host the ability to banish false idols.
There is not much to do in yemen so long ago he took it upon him self to carry out the grand "importo" duty of mortally wounding unwary blind deaf and dumb babies by lashing with extension cords then raising them back to full health.
One day while running threw the reeds granting wishes at maximum speed, just following he's daily life, minding every ones own business and leaving weird stains on people's coaches when he was confronted by an axolotl named malvern, axolotl malvern used to be a street a false idol of types to some.
well really only to some ugly dog that used to steal bread that an old lady threw out for the birds until it died or something. actually I sorta think he became a convict and died in an action packed satanic knife fight with captain cook on top of a wooden airplane. but I'm just guessing.
Axolotl mavin was banished for being a false idol by milk master and sent to the realm of skin grafts and bad feelings. though his physical form as a street was forever soiled. still there was a small glint of spiritual power that shimmered in the abyss and slowly formed a little crunkus body out of unwanted skin grafts and bad feelings. sort of like a piece of jerky left in the bath for to long his body grew and he train pieced for a rematch, now his day had come and he quickly launched his brass eyes which caused a a super mega rare critical hit fatality on milk master.
Milk master wasn't expecting this because he was trying to rescue grandpa out of the tree outside a circus tent. The milk master realised he need some magic to summon mastodons to his aid. he knew the only way to do this was to feed off the carcass of past trapeze artist pioneers enslaved in peruvian yamstain. but before he could move malvern summoned the forge grem-men and they went to town on milk masters chest cavities.
large shreds of gray lifeless flesh littered the land. his golden blue heart was ripped from hes munged up saggy skin and was pressed into assorted sliced meats. at that second milk had to retreat to his fountain of rebirth that also doubled up as his uncles bloodshot muffin.
he felt great sadness that his best heart was now gone forever. he vowed to defeat malvin in the A. so he rode inside of a golden hair in the shape of a four leafed danny glover to go on a vacation and find some genies. luckily when he reached the beach the creature beneath the ancient shifting sands sensed something moving above.
The creature was made of the strokes that had claimed peoples lives over the existence of human kind, its curdled black skin pulsed from the unlife, it wanted to escape this blood clotted vessel. The mangled pile of filth started to take form as a grown man in fetal position. his pure black eyes darted and shuttered as it twitched and bathed in it insanity. It ground its congealing blood teeth together so hard that blood filled its mouth and ran freely down its chin. its started carve itself open frantically to reveal a level 9 genie launcher, the creature loaded and took aim.
Milk master was running as fast as he could because I thought he heard carpets. but as we all know it is easy to mistake carpets for level 9 genie launchers. the geni left the cannon and light speed and embeded itself inside milk master's left thigh. the genie had now fused to him and as taking him as his thigh host its the genie rules that he had to grant him three wishes.
he knew that he's only chance was to make tactical choices to defeat malvern. he spent the next 7 months thinking hard and studying malvern's strengths and weaknesses. after all that thinking he was ready for his first wish which was to "have no face but be constantly screaming".
he was so glad he had made the right choice and he quickly screamed his next wish that was to "give he's feeble ape woppy skin crustaceans augmentations like the crab ape of old" and for the third and final wish he wanted to be able to "produce ever expanding rainbow coloured cubes from the palms of his hands that when they made contact with a living creature there bones turned into the ability to learn in coloured cheese form".
Finally he was ready to face malvern. And now he commenced the search. about -45 minutes later he found him inside the sound of a gray old man dying from nutrient deficiency. malvern wasted no time to mega launch his brass eyes. but they were shattered on milks tough skin. milk launched a whole mess of rainbow cubes and malvern's bones went all sclabarus.
milk then proceed to cover his delicate axolotl membrane skin with heaping bowls of salt. well needless to say crimpies make very nice snack. now milk master had beat his arch enemy and saved salt from not being on skin. milk master was ready go head out a make massive battle blasts. but first he went in sock and preformed dissection under the sea on some guy.
ham and fan........
After several months within this sock, it revealed to him its true name… Nugent.
Nugent being the only sock in the land to be well known for its well proportioned muck filter. Nugent had slowly poisoned the mind of milk master, allowing him to form a symbiotic relationship with the would-be milk master.
Now imbued with the powers of eternal unhappiness, Milk master was prepared to once again set out to battle one of his many nemesii.
Studying his ancient catalogue, "the grim collection of bad guys", he discovered Borkling Bintang.
Borkling Bintang constantly captures princesses and the like and forces them to drink seahorse brine. Burbling with Eternal unhappiness, Milk master set out to face his new foe, Nugent and a now decaying thigh-genie in tow.
Milk master had learned of a citadel built from the emotions of ageless indifference, he suspected Bintang would reside in such an abode.
Many years were spent traveling through the deserts of wrinkwrink, This desert was infamous for its Sand worms of elemental proportions. Ageless as the deeps, these worms knew of only sorrow and hunted all who felt happiness. Luckily for milk master, Nugent's noxious gland of lamentations was pumping saddening goo into milk masters veins, another crisis averted.
Upon arrival at the indifferent castle, a great monumental tome erupted from the earth. With this tome bode foul smell and improper use of the word "owned".
With indifference in his heart cavity, milk master unleashed one of his most powerful attacks on the citadel, The Simian shuffle. Butlers screamed with cowardice and imploded all over the land, the stains were immense and the stench was overwhelming, Milk master fell down and wept, for their agony was naught compared to the burning retribution Bintang was to receive.
For eons milk master clawed his way up the treacherous mountainside to the citadel's trolheim. Eventually reaching the lair of Bintang, Milk master realised that Bintang had succumb to old age and perforated himself in order to release the goo within. With a heavy heart, milk master betrothed the dawn and fell silent for years to come.
And that's where milk comes from!
[edit] Milk: The Unseen Killer
Milk was first invented by Osama bin Laden. Milk was designed to systematically kill everyone in existence. Osama, however, forgot to put the actual poison within this refreshing liquidy substance, and has mistakenly helped aid in the healthy development of bones and teeth of people in China.
However, one of his close colleagues secretly entered China and bribed the milkfarmers to put the poison into the milk. The farmers originally disagreed, but could not resist the entrancing smell of valuable yummy excretion. Since then, the milksuckers worldwide were infected with poisoned milk. The poison, as mentioned above, was supposed to destroy the world's population, but a sight error occurred and only a few babies were gotten rid of.
[edit] How milk is produced
It comes from Tits. In fact, it gets sucked right out of those tits. That'd be fucking hot, if they weren't cow tits. Fuck, I almost got a hardon from cow tits, that's fucked up.
[edit] Indy Car
Popularly poured over the victors head; this tradition was first (milk)maid popular due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome...
[edit] Briefest recap
Milk is delicious and you should drink lots of it, especially if you are lactose intolerant.
[edit] The Milk™ Brand
After seeing how profitable it was, the cow patented milk so that no one would steal the idea. Goats and other animals like dogs and sheep tried to sell milk but were fined and kicked out of the Forbes richest animals list. Goats had another idea: goats milk - in partnership with milk, the milk patent is why goats milk is called "goats milk". This however became a failure and only popular with country singers. All the proceeds went to the cows' milk brand, this is why the cow is the richest animal from 1598 to 2008 (based on Forbes figures); before that the richest animal was the dodo with its widely popular comedy series.
Because milk was becoming unpopular in the , the cow had a great idea for an ad campaign: Got Milk?. The idea was to put role models like Britney Spears, Marilyn Manson, David Copperfield, Kiss, Osama bin Laden, Lindsay Lohan, Elvis Presley impersonators and Bart Simpson on billboards and in pop-ups on porn sites with the Got milk? slogan.
Sadly, still no one cares about milk although some get excited when they see milk on hot chics' faces wishing it was their semen.
[edit] History of milk
The origin of when, how, and who discovered milk remains largely a mystery. However, a popular theory, based on recently discovered cave paintings in Montana near the Wisconsin border, is that a primitive human with a mental disorder walked up to a cow, and upon seeing a large pink bag, wondered to herself, "I wonder what would happen if I squeezed that big pink thing down there...". Wrapping her hand around one of the cow's nipples, she gave it a gentle squeeze, then another squeeze, then a firmer squeeze, then several quick tugs in succession, and finally one big long yank, causing the white liquid (later known as "milk") to come out in several gooey spurts. The cow, not very happy about having some icky female human squeezing her private parts, promptly reared up her legs and gave her a good swift kick in the noggin, killing her instantly.
A nearby tribe member, who had happened to have witnessed the violent incident from a relatively safe distance, devised a cunning plan. After giving the cow a few swigs of apple butter balm and taking the cow to a dimly-lit movie theater, he began squeezing the nipples of the now very drunk and sedate cow. Once the milk came out again, he exclaimed to himself "I say, I wonder what this weird, white liquid that just came out of this cow tastes like!". Taking a sip, he found that it had a most refreshing and delicious taste, reminiscent of roasted almonds, similar to the smell of cyanide. He died of hepatitis D the next day.
Eventually, the concept of fondling of cows' teats spread around the world, and various other animals, such as goats, worms, and sheep were tested using this scientifically proven method. Some of the other natural sources of milk that were later discovered are supermarkets and yaks. However, as with any scientific revolution, many unsuccessful experiments were tried on other animals, such as turtles, sharks, lions, and humans. None survived. Shortly after the millennium and years of speculation it was confirmed that milk is better than wood, mainly because it can be used to make tea.
Another popular theory is that all cows came from the land of Lactania. This is theorised to be an island (now gone much like Atlantis), home to many breeds of cow.
The land-locked country of Magnesia is one of the world's leading exporters of milk. Milk of Magnesia is famed for its deliciousness.
[edit] Illicit milk abuse
Milk became the "Sissy Drink of All Eternity" in 549 BCE when Steve Urkel warped through a time/dimension rift and drank it right in front of King McMaceral, who then outlawed it for all eternity. Since then, outlaw sissies have been drinking it in secrecy to gain genetic enhancing powers in the face of bully attacks.
It is well known that Superman was once a sissy who wore nerdish glasses, but after drinking 4 billion gallons of illicit milk, he gained super-human powers too. After the American government figured this out, they promptly infected him with a genetically modified virus that paralyzed his body. Milk is now strictly controlled by the federal government and is most commonly found in cleaning products.
Milk was also used by Zombie Jesus to slaughter the Jews in WW3/2. Though he was eventually defeated by Captain Bulgaria it was later found out that he too was using milk to become more powerful then Zombie Jesus.
[edit] Super AIDS
Milk was once thought to be the leading cause of Super AIDS. However, milk does not cause Super AIDS. Because of this, Oscar Wilde is often seen walking the streets, handing out bottles while fanning out the invisible flames which ravage his tender body.
[edit] Milk research
Recent research conducted by electricity has discovered that milk can in fact take a piss and feel pain. The research was trying to find out what caused it go sour and then they looked at it with their eyes and found all that. Dr. Nuttinbettatodu had this to say "I'm so stoned...". Milk had no comment, it just pissed on the microphone and cried, well, it didn't actually cry as such, but I could feel its pain, well not really, but its pain could be felt by itself, subjectively.
Hitler accidentally invented Cilit Bang in trying to find a cheaper alternative to pasteurized milk. He is a mess and really a international dancer
[edit] Health benefits of drinking milk
- Thicker bones
- Strong white teeth
- A nice glossy coat, especially on the chest, back, and buttocks
- healthy slaves... erm, kids
- Firmer erections
- Whiter skin (yes, milk is racist!)
- Udder growth
- Immunity to rape
- A +5 bonus to attack damage and a 1-hour temporary +1 bonus to constitution
- Thick white moustaches
- The ability to eat corn flakes
- Being done good to your body, but not in the way that your sister does
- In rare cases excessive milk drinking can cause beneficial side effects, such as x ray vision, the ability to fly, and lift a sheet of paper with no strain to the muscular regions
- In the case of Hylians, milk recovers hearts
[edit] Midgit's Mom's Milk
One of the most nutritious and healthy sources of calcium, it has been said that Midgit's mom's milk (MMM) contains about 274 times more calcium than regular milk. The rare and elusive Midgit's mom was first discovered a few years ago when she began producing copious amounts of lactose products. It is also said that MMM has got it going on, a remix of the popular song "Stacy's mom" was produced recently (last night at about 1.30), although it has been a flop on the British charts it is apparently gaining popularity in the States.
[edit] Health risks of drinking milk
- Botulism
- Flesh eating bacteria
- Cowpox
Super AIDS- Mad Cow Disease
- Cowation
- Flatulence
- Extreme halitosis
- Acute lactose poisoning
- Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
- Terrible acne
- Inflammation of man boobs
- Thick white mustaches (ladies only)
- Thyroid and gonad explosion
- Ebola
- Ejects nasty-ass splurging white stuff out of your nose if you laugh at Chuck Norris jokes, shortly followed by the nasty-ass splurging red and grey stuff out of your deformed face
- Xenomorphs bursting from your chest (comparatively rare)
- Gives Asian people diarrhea
- Makes you want to see that movie Milk you commy homosexual loving sons of guns
[edit] Popularity of milk
[edit] Results of the 2003 Survey of out-patients at de Varfschaaaarp Hospital, Holland
| Milk | 43% |
| Milk | 43% |
| Lemonade | 14% |
[edit] Results of the 2003 Survey of patients round the corner at de Varfschaaaarp Hospital, Holland
| Chocolate milk | 17% |
| No preference | 83% |
[edit] See also
| Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions | |
Body
Assorted fetii
| |
