Military of New Zealand

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Redirected from Military Of New Zealand
Jump to: navigation, search

Military Of New Zealand

Kiwi Logo by capoeiracalado
Also Called: NZDF
Category: Embarrassment
Type: Surrender
Location: France
Significance: Next To None
Website: There Is No Website Due To Government Cut-backs
Additional Information
New Zealand Army Soldier
A New Zealand Soldier Serving Overseas
“The New Zealand army is here? SHIT! WE'RE SCREWED!! Oh wait they're here to help us....?”
~ Australians on being in need of help from their many haters

The New Zealand Defence Force comprises three services:

The Commander-in-Chief of the NZDF is New Zealand's Governor-General, Fredd Dagg, who exercises his power on the advice of facts & quizzes found on the underside of beer bottle caps.

The commander and head of the NZDF is the Chief of Defence Force, Lieutenant General & VC Winner, Jake The Muss, who also acts as the primary military advisor to the Minister of Defence, Jango Fett.

New Zilland 's armed forces have three defence policy objectives:

  • To defend New Zealand against verry verry low-level threats
  • To contribute to regional security, that is, restoring order to small pacific nations whose populations have trouble understanding democracy
  • Something about logistic support

New Zealand believes that having cool friends will keep it safe, and that, due to its geographical isolation, it does not need an air-combat force. Instead it focuses primarily on land and sea and particle physics.

edit History

New Zealand Forces have served with the British, The Steve Irwin Australian Expeditionary Force (nicknamed the Stingrays), and a shitload of other nations, with the most notable exception of the Americans.

An American World War II propaganda poster designed to protect New Zealand troops from hungry and malnourished American soldiers.

New Zealand has played a part in:

  • World War I
  • World War II
  • World War XVII
  • The Second Antarctic War
  • The War of the Ring
  • And presumably a few others that were forgotten in the drunken revelry that followed each

A few smaller skirmishes, tentatively referred to as wars, but almost too discrete to warrant a mention, are listed below:

edit McGillicuddy Highland Army Rout

In 1979 Clan McGillicuddy Attempted a military takeover of Knew Zulland, declaring a new monarch in the form of one Bonnie Prince Geoffie the Reluctant. The battle strategy was to challenge the royal armed forces to a winner-takes-all pillow fight. The defence forces countered this by bravely declining, thus routing the attacking force.[1]

edit Nuclear War for the nuclear-free New Zealand

The NWFTNFNZ, in the 1980s, involved heavy casualties. Three Kiwis, 300,669 Australians and a couple sheep died in the war that lasted a little over 46 minutes. An American nuclear battleship stationed itself off the coast of New Zealand. When the NZ Government denied it entry into port, the war began as the battleship launched a nuclear warhead, but the proudly American-made Windows military application mistook the Sydney harbour bridge for Auckland's harbour bridge. The warhead struck Sydney, resulting in the Australian death toll. The entire New Zealand death toll owes to the celebrations that followed, and excessive consumption of alcohol.

edit The Three Services

edit The Royal New Zealand Transport Force

“Um..Where the fuck did my skyhawk go?”
~ Quote From An RNZAF Pilot Arriving At Work

The RNZTF, Previously known as the RNZAF (Royal New Zealand Air Force) is the main transport and logistics service in the NZDF.

The Royal New Zealand Transport force has a proud history of moving stuff. For air supremacy roles they usually rely on Australia to cover for them while they enjoy a 6 pack back at the base, or employ powerful loudhailers to shout slogans.

During the RNZAF days New Zilland had some of the best pilots in the world, but in 2001 the Labour government stationed in Helengrad, or 'Wellington', disbanded the combat squadrons and put the A-4 aircraft up for sale.

In 2007, all personnel went on strike as a result of the government not implementing plans for a tractor plane. The only pilot got his megaphone stolen by an angry green party activist to protest for the legalization of marijuana. The strike was quickly resolved, as the pilot got hungry and took his Toyota to the McDonalds drive-thru.

F16s were offered to New Zealand at low-low-low export wholesale prices for one weekend only. (Sale ends midnight Sunday! Everything must go!). However, instead of replacing the air combat fleet with F16s, the government sealed the deal because they are just so stupid and placed their skyhawaks in storage. Stupid Labour Goverment.

Currently, The RNZTF Has:

Hiace van

One Of 40 Squadron's THV Transporters awaiting clearance at Ohakea Airbase

  • Couple Hundred Personel
  • One Pilot
He still reckons the air combat force will return.
  • 40 x THV - RNZTF Spec, 3L Toyota Hiace Vans
Armed with Sidewinders and M60 Machine guns on the side doors.
  • A Charter plane
Armed with GPS on special use lay-by from Dick Smith Electronics
Also room for a steyr to point out the window
  • A Kite
Done in khaki colours
Has a picture of Helen Clark sewed onto it to frighten away enemy forces

edit The New Zealand Tractor Tank Assault force

“The NZ Army is awesome, as they can make tanks from tractors, aka tractor tanks.”
~ A comment recorded from every Maori in Nu Zeiland (They are all impressed by a rock being thrown).

The New Zealand Army has had the best funding in a long while--not a statistically significant percentage of GDP, but enough for an alarmed Green Party to protest outside parliament with three or four unemployed supporters. Also, the New Zealand Army stopped issuing guns to its soldiers as a example of cost cutting, instead issuing NZ soldiers sheep to throw at the enemy.


An Example of an un-modified Hitachi NZLAV. The Hitachi digger arm is removed, and a 105mm Main gun replaces it. The Hitachi is painted Olive Green on SAS missions but retains its yellow or orange construction colours during urban conflicts as camouflage.

The NZ army currently has:

  • 20,000 assorted revellers
  • 80 Kiwi SAS soldiers
  • 50 bb guns
  • 2 Paintball guns
  • A couple reservists, mainly fans of Dads Army.
  • One qualified dickhead who goes by the undercover name of Paddy O'Clebitch.
  • 10,000 x Personnel, in-office administration, and other civilian trades within the army.
  • 20 x Hitachi Medium Excavator (NZLAV)
Due to public demand for tanks, the Army's top engineers designed and built 20 NZLAVs. Essentially these are Hitachi Diggers armed with bullet proof plating and a 105mm Main gun.
  • 500 x 5L V8 Landrovers
All 500 of these vehicles are assigned to bring tools and essentials to run and maintain the Hitachi Medium Excavators during combat. Chosen for their off-road capability.
  • Infinite x Tractor Tanks

All of these were called in after in a small region of the Southern Island, the local sheep claimed ownership of the region as they had a majority of 10 to 1 and were the most intelligent citizens of the land. The sheep army began marching toward Auckland until the force of the NZ army clashed with the menacing sheep. Gunfire ensued when the head sheep (known by the pseudonym 'Puffincakes') took a large bite out of one of the soldiers. The sheep then disappeared without a trace, but lamb supply in the local Woolworths supermarket increased dramatically.

It is still said that the NZ government are merely puppets of the sheep.

edit The Royal New Zealand Navy

“Speakin' Of Naval Bases Mate? You Should See Ours!”
~ Billy T James Talking To An American
“What? You Mean You Got Your Own Naval Base With Your Own Boats?”
~ An American Talking To Billy T James

The Royal New Zealand Navy (RNZN) is made up of 40 Third Generation Kiwi Patrol Craft. The navy also operate some other boats that have no use.

The NZ Navy currently has:

Nz navy

One of New Zealand's Kiwi Patrol Craft

  • Multi role canoe - HMNZS Wankerbury
  • Frigate (bird) - HMNZS Te Kaka
  • 40 Sailors
  • 1 Operational Divers unit stationed at R'totos bar
  • One reservist
  • 40 x Toyota Hiluxes
These are used to transport the Kiwi Patrol Craft
  • 40 x Third Generation Kiwi Patrol Craft
Each one is Armed with a 50 Caliber Machine Gun, 900 rounds, ration packs including the gunners favorite drop, and a 50cc outboard. There are also a number that are equipped with armour plating....otherwise known as 'dinghys'
  • 1x Poorly-Animated Cut-Out Landing Whale, W/Rear-Mounted Infuriating Accent, Bru.
Non-re-usable in combat, always becomes 'beached az' after landing attempts.

All attempts to make Tractor boats have failed.

edit Future Of The NZ Military

. Hey, look! A dot!

The current government is looking at outsourcing all military operations to a call centre in India. The Army is evaluating its options for the replacement of the current Personnel Armour system after complaints from troops about the current flannelette shirts with wooden plates and skateboard helmets. The Military of NZ is at the moment gambling budget money in an attempt to gain $100 trillion dollars, so they can buy an army of robots, making Nu Zeiland's army the most advance in the world, Although this is held back by the amount of sheep shaped blow up sex dolls imported by the army, making up roughly 50% of the entire armies expenditure.

edit Chief of Defence Force

Jake The muss chair

Lieutenant General Heke while serving overseas

The current chief of defence is Lieutenant General, Jake "The Muss" Heke. Now in his 40 somethings, Heke was an Ex-NZSAS serviceman now turned Abusive Alcoholic. He received a Victoria Cross for his blindingly fast Close Quarter Combat skills during a fight in a Bar in which he achieved a whopping 345 1/4 punches per minute.

edit Previous Chiefs

The Samoan Born Kangaroo (Johnny Maiava) attained the rank of Rear-Admiral due to his excellent set of skills and hands on experience.
  • Transport Marshal That Guy (1999-2001)
The guy we call that guy, humble & honorable, often seen in his mil-spec moon TV Hyundai van was arguably the best commander of the RNZAF New Zealand has ever had. Followed closely by his long time friends, Drew walker and Michael hillier.
Personal tools