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“B Eatin' U”
“Gobble, Gobble, Chomp! Chew, Chew, Gobble, Chomp! . . . . . . BURP!”
Mileena is a fictional character in the Mortal Kombat video game series. She first appeared in Mortal Kombat II and has since, reappeared in Ultimate Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat Triology, Mortal Kombat Deception and Mortal Kombat Armaggeddon. She is also set to appear in the new game currently entitled Mortal Kombat (2011). She has also made cameo appearances in Mortal Kombat: Afghanistan, where she is known to the Taliban as "That One". In Mortal Kombat, Mileena is Shao Khan's personal assassin, Kitana's twin-sister and the Holy Dog-Mother of the Outworld's Christian dogs. Mileena's mask covers her grotesque fang-like teeth, a condition which has granted her exemption from France's burqa-wearing ban. In her spare time, she likes to whimsically drop out of the sky and kick random people on the head.
edit Summary Found Behind The Book Mileena!
edit Early Life
Legend has it that Old Man Shang and Little Red Kitana were walking down the street, upstairs and downstairs and anywhere the road went (it was going in a circle that day) when Kitana suddenly a attacked a doggy. Little Red Kitana was able to jack-knife the bad doggy unconcious but Old Man Shang was infuriated. Shang, out of love for the dog, enchanted it and then hid it deep into the Queen's vagina. Two weeks later, the Queen shot the dog back out but the dog had changed significantly. Mileena was born.
While they were very young Kitana and Mileena would play together. They played many children's games such as "Off with her head", "Hide and Kill", "Burning Alive" and were the best of friends. This friendship was further strengthened when Kitana smashed Mileena's teeth with a concrete block. Both laughed about it afterwards.
Mileena, unlike Kitana, was educated like everyone else in the Outworld. Basically, that involved going down into the dungeons every morning, coming back up, going back down, coming back up and then after all that coming and going, going back down again. Mileena was an excellent student, regularly eating her teachers alive for lunch and requesting more meaty replacements. During her time at University, Mileena ate up Attila the Hun, Orochimaru, Mickey Mouse, Muhammad, The Pope (all of them), General Washington, Australian Aboriginies, Blue Whales and the entire island of Atlantis. She graduated when there was no one else left alive on campus, with top honours. When asked during an interview what degree she had earned, Mileena ate the microphone, the camera and had sex with the reporter. Then she ate the reporter.
After graduation, Mileena met a tall, dark, handsome man called Baraka Saddamo bin al-Tikriti Husseinunu Obamanatu at a nightclub called Tooths. After holding teeth together and slow-dancing, they got together and slowly, the romance between them completely died as their dates were reduced to feeding frenzies, something that brought them more and more closer to each other until they were so close that they were in danger of merging and becoming one person. When Baraka realized this, he left the Outworld and moved to Mother Russia, where he conducted experiments on how to split the Jekyl and Hyde within from each other. His efforts produced Saddam Hussein and Barack Obama.
edit Pre-Mortal Kombat II Era
Prior to Mortal Kombat II, Mileena did not exist. You should have known that! You call yourself a Mortal Kombat fan? Ha! Look at you! Oh, what, you crying already? I haven't even started! You want to learn, you want to be a fan? Alright then, go to Kitana. Kitana will show you what a real fan is! She just happens to know some real sharp ones.
edit Mortal Kombat II
Oh, back are you? Ready to continue? Alright, let's move on.
Right, so Mileena was first introduced in Mortal Kombat II. She was supposed to guard Kitana, of whom Shao Khan was suspicious of being suspicious about Shao Khan. However, she was distracted by Reptile, a creature who ate people just like her. While she was distracted, Kitana, in her usual sisterly fashion, grabbed Mileena and shoved her all the way into Goro's ass seconds before he was going to unleash his daily fart. Kitana was thus able to walk away as Mileena's feet dangled from Goro's ass, kicking wildly and desperately until he farted and they went limp.
edit Rise to Prominence
Mileena was first noticed by Shao Khan when she ate up Liu Kang in his dragon form. It was later revealed that the man she had devoured was in fact the younger brother of Liu Kang - both brothers were given exactly the same name at birth. Therefore, although Mileena had killed Liu Kang, Liu Kang was still alive. By eliminating Liu Kang, however, Mileena had earned the right to fight Liu Kang. Liu Kang, who was looking to avenge the death of Liu Kang, demanded that Liu Kang's killer face Liu Kang in Mortal Liu Kang...sorry, Mortal Kombat.
Thus, Mileena was given the prestigious honour of fighting in the tournament. She was a minor pawn until the end of Mortal Kombat II, when she really impressed Shao Khan by chomping down on Kintaro, swallowing him whole and still not gaining any weight. For this act, Shao Khan promoted Mileena from mere pawn to cannon fodder. When promoting her, he told her: "You eat very well". Mileena would now be allowed to act as bait for Shao Khan's enemies. While she felt honoured to do this, Mileena wanted to rise higher in the ranks and asked Shao Khan how she could please him even further. "Learn to cook", Shao Khan replied.
One day, Kitana sprayed Mileena with novocaine(what dentists use to numb the teeth, stupid!), resulting in Mileena's slow and torturous death. When she saw what had happened, Kitana is reported to have said: "Oh crap, now I'll have to fix her for a change. What a bore!". During the funeral, Kitana violently attacked Mileena's corpse with a huge flat-head-screwdriver. The attack was so vicious that it caused Mileena's soul to return to her body in horror. Alive but scared to Death, Mileena went in to isolation.
edit Invasion of Earthrealm
Shao Kahn needed his minions to win ten consecutive Mortal Kombat tournaments to get a visa for Earthrealm. However, this didn't happen, so Shao Kahn, who did not want to be classified as an illegal immigrant, chose the only other way out. He invaded Earthrealm, believing that he couldn't be an illegal if he owned the place, now could he?(Clearly, he hadn't heard of the Supreme Court of Canada)
Mileena, who had eaten herself up while she was in isolation (and therefore died again), returned from the dead (by eating herself up in the underworld), hungrier than ever before, and Shao Kahn ordered her to join his Extermination Squads. This was a very bad idea, since Mileena was exceptionally hungry and the Extermination Squads soon became Exterminated Squads. Shao Kahn was left sitting on his Throne, holding his head in despair, as his invasion fell apart and he was, finally, declared an illegal immigrant and imprisoned(along with his Throne).
Mileena, however, was allowed to stay, being the sister of Liu Kang's Pet, Kitana. When they met, Kitana greeted Mileena by smashing her teeth with a concrete block, again. Mileena, on the other hand, was so happy to see Kitana that she tore all her hair out. I hope you understand this properly. Mileena tore all her own hair out and went bald. Seeing her sister bald brought tears to Kitana's eyes and in loving sisterly fashion, Kitana collected Mileena's ripped out hair, then set about stapling each strand back on to Mileena's head, one at a time.
Mileena rented, and settled down in a comfortable cave in Afghanistan, in sharing with the Three Bears. Her extremely strange interpretation of Islam lead the Taliban to put "Under-Construction" signs around her cave, but they saw nothing out of ordinary about her otherwise. "She-ah is-ah a-ah very-i nice person-e, and she-ah is-uh making good-e efforts to be uh goot musslim, forrr instance, she likess to kill and-ah terrorize andd also very imporrrtanttly, she is-e wearing the burqa, butt yes, she ddoes need-e some help," says senior Taliban fighter Muhammad Mohammad Muhammed.
When the Dragon King Onaga was resurrected, he killed Kitana, brought her back to life, killed her again and then reincarnated her as a soft toy. In Kitana's absence, Mileena took control of her sister's armies. Her intention was never to decieve them - she simply forgot to tell them who she really was. She gave command of her army to a stinky old man with a hero complex. She did this believing that if her soldiers served under a deadbeat loser, they would be more appreciative of her command. However, the dead-beat loser farted and puked his way to victory, literally puking in front of Onaga and making the Dragon King go slippery-slippity-slip...BAM! Mileena couldn't even eat the old bastard, since he was so fricking stinky. Eventually, Mileena managed to decieve herself and began to believe that she was Kitana. This delusion resulted in a paradox and Mileena, in emulation of Kitana, began to shower sisterly affection on herself, which included smashing her own teeth with a concrete block every now and then.
Bite: As foreplay, Mileena hops on to her beloved and passionately kisses him. Mileena has absolutely no idea how he ends up bloodied and half-mauled, with chunks of his face and neck missing.
Eat: Like Bite but performed with more vigour and passion, when Mileena is sexually aroused. He, though, is fearfully aroused and learns to
Gobble: Like Bite but performed when Mileena is drunk. By the end of the move, Mileena is also full.
Stare: Mileena stares intensely at the
opponent prey, who dramatically and rapidly shrinks in size under that baleful glare.
Nightmare: Mileena casts a spell on the opponent, then goes away. The opponent begins to have sporadic visions of Mileena staring balefully at him and slowly becomes a jumpy, gibbering, nervous wreck.
Sai Throw: Mileena gives birth to a litter of babies, picks out two she doesn't like, then throws them at the opponent.
Sky Kick: Mileena has a fit and disappears, reappearing over a random person and kicking them on the head. Shao Khan's palace servants have constant headaches due to this. Mileenalogists have speculated that this behaviour might be the result of her hourly periods. When Mileena was in Afghanistan, she once dropped down from the sky and kicked Osama bin Laden on the head. Unfortunately, he wears a turban and was immune to her attack. Osama uppercut her back into sky, saying, "Go to Allah!".
Rolling Thunder: In a romantic demonstration that Mileena was the inventor of the wheel, Mileena literally rolls herself up and throws herself at the opponent's feet. Skeptical opponents are bowled over like Bowling Pins but those who accept get one free pass to have sex with her without being eaten up afterwards.
edit Mortal Kombat 2
Kiss of Death: Mileena takes off her mask, and plants an affectionate kiss on his cheek. Her long teeth seem to get in the way though...
Stab: Mileena is a very curious student of homonid life forms and likes to open up live subjects to see how their digestive systems work. She makes a note if there are any holes in them.
edit Utlimate Mortal Kombat 3/MK Triology
Nailed It!: Mileena affectionately blows several hundred kisses at you. However, due to her recent dinner, each kiss is loaded with a 7-inch long armour-piercing nail. Each nail has a velocity of 320km/h. In other words, close your eyes. You've just been... screwed.
With Shang Tsung: Mileena and Shang Tsung share a father-daughter relationship. As such, Shang Tsung treats her much like he would treat his own daughter - abusing her, raping her every full moon and even milking her when they are running low on supplies. He uses Mileena as a can-opener, nut-cracker, paper-shredder and waste-disposal-machine. In turn, Mileena is extremely grateful to Shang Tsung and promises to "take care" of him when he is old and feeble.
With Kitana: Mileena is extremely close to Kitana and feels very strongly about her sister. Mileenalogists, however, believe that this statement is misleading - "Yes, she is close to Kitana, meaning that she closely resembles her. It is also true that she feels strongly about Kitana - she hates her. Intensely", says Mileenalogist Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
With Reptile: Mileena hates Reptile because he tastes very bad. "I mean, seriously Reptile, what are you, a vegetable?", she keeps asking him. Reptile once tried to eat Mileena's head using his tongue fatality but Mileena dropped from the sky and kicked him on the head.
With Scorpion: Scorpion never uses his Get Over Here Sting move on Mileena. He did it once, but Mileena opened her mouth wide-open as he reeled her in. Scorpion recounts the memory of a gaping hole full of gigantic teeth flying towards him at 500 kilometers per hour as so scary that he still cries uncontrollably with wracking sobs when he remembers it. "I can't sleep at night," he says. "And fishing! I used to love fishing but now, I'm scared that Mileena might be swimming under the water and I dare not let my Sting down." The Great Warrior is currently seeing a therapist.