Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
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“Does this video game really merit two exclamation points in the title?”
In Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! you control a boxer named Little Mac on his quest for boxing greatness. There is only one catch: you are very little. How little is up to debate, but there is no doubt that every other boxer in the game is about three times as big as you, even the guy who only outweighs you by 3 pounds. Why would someone want to join this boxing league you ask? Well, it is unclear. However, many studies have been done on this subject, the most notable being the Starr Report. But as they say, “Size does not matter” so you press on. But, no road is with out its obstacles and on your way to boxing glory you must go through eleven fighters who are willing to do anything in order to beat you, including murder, whipping, teasing, and even juicing.
The Referee: Mario
Mario makes a cameo appearance in this video game as a referee. Because he is even shorter than Little Mac, it can be assumed he hasn't had his mushroom yet today. Seriously though, he's like 2 feet tall in his game.
see Mario for further information.
Human Punching Bag Gauntlet: Glass Joe
Your first obstacle in boxing career is the fighter Glass Joe. You may not be able tell this by looking at him but this man is made entirely out of glass. One punch may shatter his very being. While many people may tell you that this fight is a cake walk, they are neglecting to tell you both sides of the argument. Glass is a very dangerous substances and when broken can have many sharp, jagged edges. Why would you want to punch it? Do you want to risk your entire boxing career on the large chance that you may get cut by glass? This is where the real difficulty lies. So, although Joe may be easy to beat physically, mentally he is a worthy opponent. Who wants to touch glass?
The German: Von Kaiser
If there was one man that I would like to meet it would probably be Gandhi, but if there were two, then the second would have to be Von Kaiser. What about if there were three? Shut up. He has it all. Moustache, check. Personality, check. Aroma, check. This guy could probably dance with the devil and live to tell the tale. But, he boxes like a torso. Therefore victory should be easy...but wait, this is not the whole story. Von Kaiser may or may not be Little Mac's father. Would you hit your own father?
The First Champ: Piston Honda
Piston Honda is a pissed off Hand of... lemons? He's a stereotypical gook who specializes in dances involving side-hopping followed up with punching your face to the ground. He also suffers physical tourettes of the eyebrows. His force comes from the asian equivalent of Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, and Jesus. He has a strange love for Mario; despite never actually looking at him, secretly, he has a tokyo camera pointed straight at his wee wee. Similar to Glass Joe, Piston Honda is made of... piss! So if you're trying to make him bleed, you're actually making him piss on you.
The Dancer: Don Flamenco
A Spanish tobacco seller, who looks like Adam Sandler, is looking for his two favorite colors for pants. His arm pits can talk and he works in association with his older brother, Glass Joe. Don flamenco is not made of glass, he is made of obsidian that grants him the ability to dance with one foot. At the beginning of the fight, he reveals his obsidian claws that he stole from Wolverine and it magically disappears in his mouth. He 1s a5I0 the n00b. Liek rly gude 4t tit 2.
The Fat Ass: King Hippo
Hippo is the long lost brother of Napolean and Mr. Clean. He fights so his country can get cash. He punches really hard, and has mangled Don Flamenco's face beyond comparison with his punches. He is constantly taking off his pants slightly to show off his third X-shaped eye which can turn you into Jim Carrey. For the record, he weighs 999 pounds, over 900 of which is pure fat. I mean, who'd want to punch hippo fat?
The monarch King Harkinian
King Harkinian has long retired from his boxing career, apparently due to the fact that WVBA fans were calling him Hopeless and a waste. His only victory was against Glass Joe. Ironically, Glass Joe's current only victory is against him, which raises the question, 'Did he retire because he lost to Glass Joe?'. The real reason for his retirement has still not yet been verified. King Harkinian is currently the KING (sorry, unavoidable pun) of Hyrule.
The Furry: Great Tiger
A tiger fanatic who is a furry when he is on the internet. He acts like a furry, and tends to pounce and bite his opponents. He's NOT the only one in this game who can bite your ear off, ya know? Despite being a pretender, he also has magical powers, which he uses his turban for. These furry powers involve him crouching down and speeding around the room like a psychotic cat, which is why he uses it so much. It suggest you avoid it, lest you get yiffed.
The One Who Uses His Ugliness As A Strategy: Bald Bull
Bald Bull is really really ugly. Unlike Don Flamenco, he was born ugly. Even his body is unappealing to women, despite the fact that he's ripped. He can also be considered a furry, like most of the other boxers in this ring (Hippo, Tiger, Bull, Flamenco is super close, cuz he's pink like a flamingo and dances on one foot) and he uses his own furry instinct, which is charging like a bull. Because furries and their moves are stupid, you can knock further I.Q. points at its lowest when he's charging you. That is a really useful tactic. Anyway, he's fighting to get plastic surgery. I don't blame him.
The Jap: Piston Honda
Piston Honda is back and instead of being the best of the worst, he's become the worst of the best, which is actually much better (for him as he is really annoying in this fight) and he's not just made of piss anymore, he's also made of poop. And he fights like a piston, so yeah well I'll stop now. And really, would you really want to punch someone made of poop?
The Drunk: Soda Popinski
Soda Popinski likes to show off his body with his speedo and spread communism while in the ring. Not as much as Super Macho Man, but still it's an eyesore, considering he's freakishly pink and showing his legs. So, anyway, his real name is Vodka Drunkenski, and he proves it because his quotes are all about alcohol. That explains his blue eyes, but what explains his pink eyes? When he was in Elementary school, where he still wore a speedo, some kids poured some pink paint on him and fed him glow sticks, which made him furious and become strong so he could beat them up. Today, he is a really annoying fighter to beat.
My friend Chris has only beat this once in his entire life and really, really sucks at fighting this guy.
The Still F***ing Ugly: Bald Bull
He looks like Bluto from Popeye. Only uglier. So very, very, VERY much uglier.
The David: Don Flamenco
It's like a case of David and Goliath, because there are three strong guys behind this guy in the rankings. That's not a good sign for you. Well, David's doing more impressive than his brother.
The Harder than Final Opponent: Mr. Sandman
This is the guy in Fairy Tales who puts sand in your eyes to help you. He doesn't want kids to know he looks like this, so he uses it as his "nickname," even though it's his real name. Make sure he doesn't flick sand in your eye. That's his most annoying move. His second most annoying move is singing "Enter Sandman" by Metallica.
The Eyesore: Super Macho Man
“In Soviet Russia, the bogus releases YOU!!”
I TOLD you that there is an opponent who looks weirder in a speedo than Popinski. And that can be explained by his weird hairdo. This person is the polar opposite of Soda Pop when it comes to habits (I don't smoke, but tonight, I'm gonna smoke you!) and he comes from California. But he is slightly questionable, and that's because of his most eyesore-ful feature, the fact that he can shake his man-boobs. He does this to hurt your eyes. It's an interactive function. Yeah, this game can feel so real sometimes. While he claims to be only 27, he has aged really badly and is 72 years old in the Nintendo Wii version - at least his face is 72. And, after all, who would want to hit an old man?
The Hardest One: Mike Tyson
Four words: NIGGA STOLE MY BIKE!
The End All, Be All: Cthulhu
Cthulhu comes after Mr. Dream / Mike Tyson and is the champion of the secret "cosmic" circuit that comes after you beat Mr. Dream (you'll have to press Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start after the end titles to activate it). However, he is completely impossible to beat (O RLY?) as he uses his unstoppable "Hyperdimensional Matter Transmutation Punch", which scatters every atom in his opponents body across a thousand dimensions. You might as well stop trying to beat him, because it will never work, no matter what you do. The best thing you can do is to do nothing and hope that he'll get bored and return to his normal state, dead but dreaming.
Upon beating the game, (which is impossible, rendering the remainder of this paragraph a moot point) you win the belt, and learn about Little Mac's true father, who is not who you thought it as, but surprisingly, Big Mac, the Burger King and inventor of McDonald's. Sadly, you do not find out about his past, though you can here. He reveals to you that now you must defend your title again and you are forced to beat up all your foes from before, only this time you can't use boxing gloves. And then, when you have finally triumphed with a hill of their bodies behind you, true victory will have been obtained. But at what cost?
Around sometime in 2008, Nintendo announced, along with DSeye and Mario & Luigi 3: You're Playing as Bowser Now Mate, a sequel to this game, on the Wii, and many fans rejoiced. The sequel is sometimes called a remake due to the fact that it has most of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! characters, 2 from $00pah Punch-out!! and a new one. The game got the same praise as this one. You can read about it here Punch-Out!!