Mike Cosgrove

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Cogsgrove

Hey, cut it out.

Mike Cosgrove is a police officer and master of an obscure branch of kung-fu. Most famous for his role as himself in the popular television show Freakazoid, Cosgrove is also a master of the ancient, long lost martial art of Pointingandtellingthatguytocutitout-jitsu.

Police Career

Since he was five, Cosgrove had always dreamed of being a kung-fu police officer, just like the kind you see in popular TV shows. Inexplicably, there didn't seem to be many courses for this at his local school, so he settled for just being a regular police officer. After enrolling in Police Academy (the exact one from the movie, in fact) he became a fully-fledged police officer after a hilarious three-minute musical montage. He was then teamed up with the policemen from the movie as well, getting into many hilarious situations that spawned a million-and-one sequels.

Mike used the royalties from the movies to travel to Tibet, which everyone knows is crawling with hidden temples and remote sources of great wisdom. After carefully studying the options available to him, Mike opted to learn the one martial art that his unfortunately rotund physique seemed to have equipped him for - Pointingandtellingthatguytocutitout-jitsu.

“Hey, cut it out.”
~ Mike Cosgrove on cutting that out

Cosgrove practised this technique to perfection, until his mastery of the phrase could supernaturally cause any adversary to instantly cut out whatever it was they were doing, and look rather sheepish.

This technique held considerable power: whenever Mike pointed at someone and told them to cut it out, they cut it the f**k out right then and there. Although he mainly used it for crime-fighting purposes, some people whom Cosgrove used this on later claimed to have blacked out for several hours after the incantation was spoken, sometimes waking up in a dumpster in some random town in their underwear with a scar where their kidney should be.

Cosgrove used this technique repeatedly during his police career, gaining him much notoriety. Unfortunately, a couple of years later, he lost the favour of his fellow people officers after telling them to cut out their donut breaks, and he was soon kicked out of the police force.

Freakazoid

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mike Cosgrove.

After his discharge from the police force, Cosgrove sank into a deep depression, drinking heavily and telling random people to cut it out (causing one guy who was just breathing to drop dead.) Finally, he met Steven Spielberg (who was a raging alcoholic at the time) in a bar, and Spielberg, who recognized him as that cut-it-out guy, asked him if he wanted to be in this new TV show he was making called Freakazoid. Not having a job at the moment, Cosgrove agreed, and showed up at the studio the next day. However, Spielberg, who was hungover at the time, didn't remember hiring Cosgrove, but luckily his helper monkey was there to remind him, and afterwards Spielberg vowed never to drink again (for the fourteenth time that month.

And thus Cosgrove played himself for two seasons of the show. However, the whole time he was under the impression that he was supposed to be the star. He complained repeatedly to Steven Spielberg about the "blue weirdo that keeps hogging my spotlight." However, he had forgotten what Spielberg looked like, and was actually complaining to the janitor. The janitor kept telling him that he was not Speilberg, but Cosgrove was never that good at paying attention or listening to people. Eventually, he figured it out at the end of the second season, and in a fit of rage, told Spielberg to cut it out, resulting in the show being cancelled.

After Freakazoid

Soon after the show was cancelled, Cosgrove found himself with no job again. Then one day, in a spirit of scientific inquiry, Cosgrove tried to tell himself to cut out telling people to cut it out. The universe wasn't prepared for something like this, and it resulted in a massive rip in the space-time continuum, erasing the last 24 days from the end of each month, 14 of the 64 US states, and Cosgrove himself. The secret of Pointingandtellingthatguytocutitout-jitsu seems to have disappeared with him, and the world is a poorer place for his loss.

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