“I think it's time that we, as a community, start cockpunching midgets.”
“Cockpunching is the last refuge of them goddamn turbanheads.”
Midget Cockpunching Terrorists are a small yet numerous group of midget fundamentalists who threaten the genitals of countless "normals" to advance their political agendas. Their tactics are surprisingly effective, since they tend to target political figures (and specifically their cocks) more than random targets, taking advantage of the self-serving nature of the average politician.
Midget Cockpunching Terrorists use their tiny stature to hide in places normals would never consider checking. Pulpits and podia with secret compartments are a common hiding place that have left numerous religious and political leaders vulnerable to penile assault.
The Midget Cockpunching Terrorist's greatest asset is a large crowd that conceals them until they can get within cockpunching distance.
Dressing up as children, large dogs, and ewoks is yet another tactic used to deceive anti-midget security. Recent intelligence also suggests they use even more sophisticated disguises, such as inanimate objects like fire hydrants, low-lying shrubbery, or garden gnomes.
It bears noteworthy attention that the Midget Cockpunching Terrorists are not to be confused with the Sacktapping Tap Dancers. While the Sacktapping Tap Dancers have been blamed for a number of genital related injuries, they are not terrorists.
Notable Groin Assaults
- May 25, 1959: Frank Sinatra suffers a serious midget-related penis injury inflicted by two midgets disguising themselves as a normal by using a long trenchcoat. While making a trademark smooth-yet-misogynistic comment™ at the top half, a flurry of tiny hands flew forth from under the coat, pummeling his pelvis. Several years later, complications related to this injury led to his death while performing a lap dance.
- April 15, 1979: A midget using scuba gear and a swamp rabbit costume assaults Jimmy Carter while he is canoeing. President Carter manages to fend off the midget by pummeling it with his oars. The assailant was arrested and confessed to being hired by beavers attempting to destroy already strained rabbit/American relations.
- March 30, 1981: As Ronald Reagan left the Hilton Hotel in Washington, DC, a midget hiding in a suitcase delivered six jabs to the groins of the President and three of his staff members.
- August 3, 1990: Alex Trebek's crotch is assaulted by a squad of 30 midgets while on a ski vacation. The damage transforms his once-rich baritone voice into a high nasal buzz. The midgets have not been caught, and Mr. Trebek's voice has never fully recovered.
- October 31, 1996: Count Chocula is mobbed by an elite gang of Midget Cockpunching Terrorists hired by the Rice Crispy elves. He endures extreme injury to the Groinal area, and is lucky to escape with his life. Unfortunately we cannot say the same about his testes.
- February 18, 2003: During a Presidential address, George W. Bush is taken completely by surprise with a groin uppercut from his podium, followed by a haymaker to the right testicle. The Afghani midget is quickly subdued, and sent to Camp Fuck You Die.
Major Cockpunching Midget Terrorist Organizations
- The North American Dwarf Socialist Heirachy for Organizing The Smallish
- Big Assholes Laid Low By Using Subversive Tactics Employed by the Righteous Shorties
- Society of Midgets Activists Supressed by Humans With Average Normal Growth
- North American Midget Boxers for Less Americans
- Midgets That Punch People In The Nards But Don't Have A Clever Acronym
Midget Cockpunching Terrorists in Popular Culture
The NES video game Metal Gear Solid follows the adventures of Fumiko "Piston" Honda, a Japanese secret agent augmented with experimental bionic testicles code-named "Metal Gear," and a bio-engineered reinforced penis, the "Solid Snake". His enhanced genitals help him fight a web of Midget Cockpunching Terrorism throughout Asia and the Middle East.