Middle Ages

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== Entertainment In England ==
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{{title-left|Medievale perioud}}
[[Image:Nog.png|thumb|right|250px|'''This is what happens when Pokemon is dubbed in English.........''']]
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{{Whoops2|Evil|just plain evil}}
   
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{{Q|Bring it on-eth...knave!|Plankton|Medieval times}}
   
The very first English film ever was "Shitty Shitty Bang Bang"-a documentary of an Unidentified Flying Object powered on and fueled by human faeces,which was why Brits abducted humans in the first place-TO HARVEST THEIR CRAP.
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{{wikipedia}}
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[[image:H51.jpg|thumb|Behold ye! Over yonder; a moust Barbareck Ostra-Goth, A Righteouth Knight and thine Houliness the Poupe |right]]
   
The blockbuster film "Reign of fire" tells the heroic tale of a brave ragtag bunch of Canadians in a futuristic post-apocalyptic world ruled by Brits and their mutant dragons who tried to survive but ended up getting murked.
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Thine '''Medievale perioud''' ist thy moust peculiear parte ouf thine worldly histoury that comeths moust immediate aftaer thou Most Dark of Ageth and epochs preavious to thine Renaissance Perioud. Takinest place only in ye Jolly Olde Englande and thine Crusades, whilst thine rest ouf the wourld wouldst stillst resume the Dark Ageth until Art wath inventeth in Italy muchst laterst. Et hath beenth of moust accurate depictione in allth mannerth ouf playes, bookth, and thine sacrilegious [[RPG|roule-playing games.]]
   
"Horrid Henry" is apparently the only children's show that those pedophile Englishmen can come up with.
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==Medieval Thymes==
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[[Image:Old Europe.jpg|thumb|left|Ye olde gloube of Olde Euroupe circa 1490.]]
   
The United Kingdom film industry’s pathetic attempt at producing horror films has been chronicled throughout the millenia.Ranging from gaylien vampire crap like Lifeforce to zombie flops like 28 days later , 28 weeks later,28 years later,28 centuries later,28 millenia later(with real cyborg zombies) and the ever-popular “Shaun of the dead”.Not to mention a spiffing mental biography of a G(r)ay alien called "Paul",where they try to mislead humans by depicting their ruthless alien ancestor as a benign gray-skinned star-traveller with a lame Cockney accent. A film called ”Attack the block” is also a must-see for all of you who know that Brits aren’t of this realm and may summon demons from the cosmos merely to make Beckham shit his pants while being butt-raped by Gerard.
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In pasth Medievael Tiemth, [[men]] hath alwayth dreth in full-bodice armour. Alas, they dith carry swourds moust ouf all the tyme, forsooth- and juste in caeth. The Thecond Amendment was useth liberally in thear olden dayth. The Women folkst either werst garbed wist severely revealeing leathere armour our dreth in peasanth attires ande werste hence relegateth to pickest thine kinges turniph ande suche.
   
Are we alone in this Universe....?The answer’s no and the Brits are living proof of it.....Recent evidence has proven that the Greek Geek from Ancient Aliens is actually just a British immigrant with a fake & gay hairdo.
 
   
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Whilst men carrieth swourdes ats alle tymth, BEHOULD!werst thouse who wouldst choset to upgradest theire weapounries to a better versioune, leadingest to thy inventioun of thou "Pourtable Catapoult Device" which moust admittedlie wast a fictiounal weapoun. Alsou duringst this tyme werst inventeadst thine "LONGBOWE" which moust certainlie pute thouse backwardst pagan French in their place.
   
'''I WANT TO BELIEVE'''
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Duringst suche eras, twas magicianth that employeth magicks of all sorth. They werst summonth gnomes and suche, and verily struckth down thine foolish ogresth and witches that done bringeth a pox upon thine village.
   
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Other popular occupations included:
   
== Racial Features ==
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*Rogue - Ratherst a scallywag that doth jumpeth thee in the woods and stolest thine purse.
[[Image:wank.gif|thumb|right|250px|'''The UK is crawling with fine folk such as this swell bloke right here''']]
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*Bard - A knave who doth singest his [[Early Music Ensemble (game)|merry soungs of old]] herous inst the courtes of greath kinges.
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*Ranger - Ouften traveleth the woouds ande doth vanquish many a rogue in hith conquest'st.
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*Wench - An olde maiden that wath to be useth for drivings the plow on thine field suche as an oxe.
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*Noob - A complete fool who often gets killed by hordes of zombies.
   
The Good People of England have numerous genetic deformities such as overlong drooping faces,high cheekbones,hooked beak-like noses,uni-brows,copious growths of hair at the sides of their faces and yeah, NO NECKS.This had been the subject of much intellectual debate among scholars over the decades until it was revealed that these were merely the side-effects of their nation-wide inbreeding program.
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==Medieval Lifestyle==
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[[File:Crusader01.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Oh I say old chap...that's not [[Cricket|cricket]].]]
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There werth thrice types of [[folk]] in thine Medieval Engleand;
   
Chavs are a more tough,violent and overall rather formidable new breed of Brits who love "murking" people and using vulgar Brit-slang,created by forcing humans to mate with Brits.....the resultant hybrids are stronger,smarter,faster and possess cutthroat street-survival skills normal Brits could only dream of.These abilities have an uncanny resemblance to the Uruk-Hai in "The Lord of the Rings",who are human-orc hybrids and ten times as badass as run-of-the-mill orcs.
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*Thine moust typicale adventourer whom wouldst travel all ouver and gainst equipmenth offe oul sortes.
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*Twine regulare folk suche as peasantes and kinges whom wouldst stand arounde in the same spotte for the entire game.
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*And whores
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*And NOOOObs
   
One would wonder why "refined" folk such as Brits would engage in such morally degrading and cheap sexual activities,but the answer's really a no-brainer.....The Queen of England,having Insectoid as well as Reptilian DNA characteristics,can reproduce sexually as well as asexually and give birth to thousands of cloned Brits whom she stores in the termite-like ovary sac above her fat,wrinked royal bottom(OMFG,why didn't I say "butt"? (0_O) Am I becoming a Brit after they abducted me that night and injected me with their hybrid DNA?!?!?!)and extracts them using her 2 metre long royal probe.Each and every Brit in existence is the offspring of the Queen,telepathically linked to her hive mind and subservient to her will,which connects them all together as a collective consciousness to carry out her orders without question.
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==Medieval Social Class==
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{{Human history and prehistory}}
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In ye olde Medieval times, there werth many social classe of people, thine main orderth werth
   
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* '''[[Chuck Norris|Chucketh Norrington]]''' Thine kickassness-eth was thine master of God's earth-eth. A simple stareth from thine kickassness-eth wouldth freezeth ye maneth still.
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* '''[[The Pope|Thine Pope]]''' He wooud wieldeth God's power over thine populace
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* '''Kings''' Thine royale majestys wouldth control thine populaceth's purses with thine threat of being [[executed|beheadeth]] for those who dareth to disobeyth.
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* '''Knights''' Thine Knights of olde were suicidith warriors who wooud kill ye for monie and werth motivated byth loyalty
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* '''Peasents''' Ye olde peasents werth common scum whoth serveth'd ye royales for no payth
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* '''[[Women]]''' Women werth ye loweth of thine social ladder. Ye women hath to be controleth by ye upper classes and hath no rites except to serveth thine husbands
   
== Cuisine ==
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===[[wikipedia:Saddam Hussein|Dungeons]]===
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Perhapes thou moust forgottenst aspecte ouf medieval loife wast ye dungeone. Magnificente, sprawlingst workes of architecketure; these catacoumbes wouldst extendeth fore mylth belouw thine village surfaeth, in carefoully planth "floours" that werst mapth outh andst constructeth by thousands of workers, whome alle leftest withoutst bute a moust singulare noutith and werth neverst founde. Dungeonth werst ownth firthly by wealthy lande ouwnerth, whou knewst the beth plaece to keepest their wealth waes in the middle of a daerk hallwayth, ratherst thane soume mundanest loucatioun, such ath a [[iPod|banke]].
   
England's culinary delights are hopelessly bland in taste as well as aroma to anyone except Brits themselves,on account of them having thrice as many taste receptors as humans in those cum-holes that pass for their mouths,which also explains why all Englishmen have strange tastes.Such food items include Alligaytor stew,peanis soup,boiled broccolli,pot-belly roast,charred overcooked steak,Birmingham buns,haggis,escargot,etc.Brits are also rather fond of American Pie and have an insatiable craving for Whorecestershire sauce.
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Ine [[mouth]] medievale townth, everie singlest residentialth houth containedest an entranth to itse owne Dungeonth, whiche tendeth to extende underneathst ye entoire citie. Obviousleth, ye dungeounth werst nevere ouverlapeth. Mouste dungeounth wert poupulateth by starvingst prisonsers,rates of ye plague, and [[dragon|dragonth]]. Inst thine moust darketh timeth, ith wath theths gretheth perioud in thine moujst anthienth ith ick ack
   
The staple diet of the people of England is [[Grue]] sperm,traditionally known as gruel and forever immortalized in Charles Dick-kens' famous play Oliver Twist.Despite being a mouth-watering exotic delicacy,it is recommended for its high nutritional value.
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==See also==
   
Beverages exclusive to England include Butterbeer,Firewhisky,Hog's mead,Hop-Scotch,Dale ale,Fag-gin,rum,cum and stale putrid golden piss.
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{{ages}}
   
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[[Category:History]]
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[[Category:Middle Ages| ]]
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[[Category:Vital articles]]
   
== Culture ==
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[[de:Weltgeschichte]]
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[[es:Edad Media]]
[[Image:AlienDance.gif|thumb|right|250px|'''A typical scene in a British Night Club''']]
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[[fi:Keskiaika]]
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[[it:Medioevo]]
England has a {{C|queer}} free society where Brits of all three sexes may intermingle and procreate.Awkwardness and overall geekiness are admirable traits in any self-respecting Englishman.Being highly Democratic in contrast to the Republic of Ireland,England's social norms and cultural etiquette put a great deal of stress and sexual frustration on its people,which eventually leads to mid-life crisis,homicidal tendencies,coming out of the closet and so on.Irish custom demands sexual intercourse with sheep,and Scotsmen go to bed with cattle or horses,but Brits fuck PIGS.Gay marriage is strongly encouraged and immensely popular(Unless you're a Prime Minister)among hormonal teens and 56-year olds,but lesbians are burned at stake.....a custom which made England infamous throughout the Medieval Dark Ages.To this day,[[masturbation]] in England is considered a criminal offence punishable by death.Or worse,castration.This is England,mate.Love it or Leave it.
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[[pl:Średniowiecze]]
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[[zh:中世纪]]
 
== Religion ==
 
 
 
A trait unique to all Englishmen is their piety.Nobody's atheist-that's the beauty of England.All Brits believe in some form of higher power,unlike those sheep-raping Irish heathens.The percentages of worshipers are as listed below:
 
 
 
32% Brits are devout followers of Hinduism and are Spiritual Sex-Slaves of the one and only Mahatma Gandhi.Through him,they aspire to attain the ultimate level of enlightenment and sexual salvation by castrating themselves to expiate all desires of the mortal flesh.Little do they know that Gandhi is none other than the reincarnation of Gollum......
 
 
 
15% Brits worship Satan and other dark powers.These Brits appear normal and even more polite than usual Brits,always good-natured smiling chaps,but you'll soon notice odd stuff like manicured lawns in the shape of the Pentagram and an Oujja board along with their Lego and Scrabble.
 
 
 
21% Brits worship their namesake Britney Spears and masturbate ritualistically while listening to her pathetic rhapsody"I think I did it again".
 
 
 
16% Brits worship Ayumi Hamasaki,the Divine Goddess of Yaoi.These Brits are outcasts even among their own countrymen,as they speak [[''Engrish'']] and are hardcore [[weeaboos]].What sets Wapanese Brits apart from their own brethren and even their Asian counterparts,the Japs,is undoubtedry the fact that they robe to make anime caricatures of ariens,not to mention arien manga,arien XXX [[hentai]] and extraterrestriar cospray.That and the fact that being Engrishmen,they arways make comprete asshores of themserves when they attempt to pronounce Japanese phrases in Engrish and use a British accent at the same time.Brimey,humans raugh at them and carr them herr-spawns due to their berief that they hab no sour......so utterry hirarious,fam.It's broddy mentar,bruv!Konnichiwa,do you fancy some Rondon Sushi,brud?
 
 
 
[[Image:Jeezus.png|thumb|right|250px|'''The Messiah of England''']]
 
 
49% Brits engage in rigorous alien worship , where they create their own crop-circles in open fields and light bonfires while screaming for their creators,the G(r)ay aliens, to return.Brits who pray to extraterrestrial beings for deliverance are classified into two main religious sects:-
 
 
The Raelist Catholic Church,who firmly believe that all Gods are Aliens but not all Aliens are Gods.
 
 
The Raelist Protestant Church,who firmly believe that all Aliens are Gods,but not all Gods are Aliens.
 
 
Other minority Raelist cults include the Raelist Orthodox,Raelist Dominican,Raelist Republic,Raelist Communists and Raelist Marxists,who are baptized through the holy communion of alien buttsex.The Pope of Is'''rael''' has been known to excommunicate any infidel who commits blasphemy by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life.However,Brits answer only to the Spiritual Leader of England,the mysterious entity known only as Reverend P.Penisfeather.Many a valiant English knight has sought out the Holy Grael in an intergalactic quest that ultimately claimed his life.
 
 
Thanks to Raelism,Brits have begun to clone themselves using alien biogenetics and it's only a matter of time before they overrun and take over our planet by sheer strength in numbers!!!
 
 
 
25% Brits worship overrated footballers who are no different from those WWE "Superstars" and shamelessly strip on the football stands during their goal-induced orgasms.These desperate Brits are willing to sell their souls in exchange for the opportunity to get an autograph from these footballers,as well as polish their balls with their tongues.Prominent and revered football deities include David Beckham,Steven Gerrard,Christino Ronaldildo,Lionel Messi and Zinedine Zidane(yeah,that's right).
 
 
 
18% Brits worship Dalai Lama,famed and renowned throughout the Universe for being the founder of the Adult Film Industry. Need I go into the specifics?
 
 
 
What?!The total percentage adds up to more than a hundred?
 
 
Well,that's not hard to explain.The fact of the matter is,even as you're reading this,more Brits are being spawned through genetic cloning and Inbreeding.Why,even before you could say "Tinder and Flint" , there are precisely 666 more Brits being extracted from the DNA Cloning chambers,ready to make this world a worse place to live in.
 
 
 
== Hauntings In England ==
 
 
 
England is undisputedly the most haunted country on Earth.....ever wondered how or why England is so famous for paranormal hot spots?
 
 
Brits,being neither human nor quite alien,but instead a bizarre misbegotten hybrid of both,have a supernatural dilemna after they die.Unlike Japs,Brits DO have a soul,well,if you could call it that anyway.So then,where do these mutant aberrations go after they die???NOWHERE-They never leave this plane to begin with!Neither Heaven nor Hell wants them because they weren't meant to be...and they just don't fit in anywhere.Thus,Brits are condemned to an existence of eternal Purgaytory after they die and are compelled to co-exist with the living while having a swell time haunting the crap of foreign kids and tourists who have a thing for creepy old gothic mansions.It is widely believed that the deceased far outnumber the living in England,aye,and with good reason too.
 

Latest revision as of 10:00, July 7, 2013

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“Bring it on-eth...knave!”
~ Plankton on Medieval times
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Middle Ages.
H51

Behold ye! Over yonder; a moust Barbareck Ostra-Goth, A Righteouth Knight and thine Houliness the Poupe

Thine Medievale perioud ist thy moust peculiear parte ouf thine worldly histoury that comeths moust immediate aftaer thou Most Dark of Ageth and epochs preavious to thine Renaissance Perioud. Takinest place only in ye Jolly Olde Englande and thine Crusades, whilst thine rest ouf the wourld wouldst stillst resume the Dark Ageth until Art wath inventeth in Italy muchst laterst. Et hath beenth of moust accurate depictione in allth mannerth ouf playes, bookth, and thine sacrilegious roule-playing games.

edit Medieval Thymes

Old Europe

Ye olde gloube of Olde Euroupe circa 1490.

In pasth Medievael Tiemth, men hath alwayth dreth in full-bodice armour. Alas, they dith carry swourds moust ouf all the tyme, forsooth- and juste in caeth. The Thecond Amendment was useth liberally in thear olden dayth. The Women folkst either werst garbed wist severely revealeing leathere armour our dreth in peasanth attires ande werste hence relegateth to pickest thine kinges turniph ande suche.


Whilst men carrieth swourdes ats alle tymth, BEHOULD!werst thouse who wouldst choset to upgradest theire weapounries to a better versioune, leadingest to thy inventioun of thou "Pourtable Catapoult Device" which moust admittedlie wast a fictiounal weapoun. Alsou duringst this tyme werst inventeadst thine "LONGBOWE" which moust certainlie pute thouse backwardst pagan French in their place.

Duringst suche eras, twas magicianth that employeth magicks of all sorth. They werst summonth gnomes and suche, and verily struckth down thine foolish ogresth and witches that done bringeth a pox upon thine village.

Other popular occupations included:

  • Rogue - Ratherst a scallywag that doth jumpeth thee in the woods and stolest thine purse.
  • Bard - A knave who doth singest his merry soungs of old herous inst the courtes of greath kinges.
  • Ranger - Ouften traveleth the woouds ande doth vanquish many a rogue in hith conquest'st.
  • Wench - An olde maiden that wath to be useth for drivings the plow on thine field suche as an oxe.
  • Noob - A complete fool who often gets killed by hordes of zombies.

edit Medieval Lifestyle

Crusader01

Oh I say old chap...that's not cricket.

There werth thrice types of folk in thine Medieval Engleand;

  • Thine moust typicale adventourer whom wouldst travel all ouver and gainst equipmenth offe oul sortes.
  • Twine regulare folk suche as peasantes and kinges whom wouldst stand arounde in the same spotte for the entire game.
  • And whores
  • And NOOOObs

edit Medieval Social Class

Human history and prehistory
before Homo (Pliocene)
Three-age system prehistory
History
see also: Modernity, Futurology
Future

In ye olde Medieval times, there werth many social classe of people, thine main orderth werth

  • Chucketh Norrington Thine kickassness-eth was thine master of God's earth-eth. A simple stareth from thine kickassness-eth wouldth freezeth ye maneth still.
  • Thine Pope He wooud wieldeth God's power over thine populace
  • Kings Thine royale majestys wouldth control thine populaceth's purses with thine threat of being beheadeth for those who dareth to disobeyth.
  • Knights Thine Knights of olde were suicidith warriors who wooud kill ye for monie and werth motivated byth loyalty
  • Peasents Ye olde peasents werth common scum whoth serveth'd ye royales for no payth
  • Women Women werth ye loweth of thine social ladder. Ye women hath to be controleth by ye upper classes and hath no rites except to serveth thine husbands

edit Dungeons

Perhapes thou moust forgottenst aspecte ouf medieval loife wast ye dungeone. Magnificente, sprawlingst workes of architecketure; these catacoumbes wouldst extendeth fore mylth belouw thine village surfaeth, in carefoully planth "floours" that werst mapth outh andst constructeth by thousands of workers, whome alle leftest withoutst bute a moust singulare noutith and werth neverst founde. Dungeonth werst ownth firthly by wealthy lande ouwnerth, whou knewst the beth plaece to keepest their wealth waes in the middle of a daerk hallwayth, ratherst thane soume mundanest loucatioun, such ath a banke.

Ine mouth medievale townth, everie singlest residentialth houth containedest an entranth to itse owne Dungeonth, whiche tendeth to extende underneathst ye entoire citie. Obviousleth, ye dungeounth werst nevere ouverlapeth. Mouste dungeounth wert poupulateth by starvingst prisonsers,rates of ye plague, and dragonth. Inst thine moust darketh timeth, ith wath theths gretheth perioud in thine moujst anthienth ith ick ack

edit See also

The Nine Great Ages

Ice Age - Stone Age - Neolithic Age - Bronze Age - Iron Age - Age of Empires - Dark Ages - Middle Ages - Golden Age - New Age -

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